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Original poster

Online dating - are all the men creepy now a days?

97 replies

LeThemEatTurnips · 26/02/2023 13:54

Or is it because I am older now?

I used to do online dating before the 2020 pandemic and always met normal, nice men and had a good time. I even had a boyfriend I met on one of the apps and we are still friends now. I came off the apps during lock down and never been back since until a couple of weeks ago. I already left, and this is why:

So in two weeks:

  • I was told “fcuk you” because I didn’t want to send a guy any more pictures...he had only one picture on display and refused to share more before I shared first...
  • I was sent as a first message, a long paragraph with some bad written explicit erotica story about what he wanted to do with me - totally unsolicited and very jarring.
  • After few days of back and forth, I was lured into exchanging phone numbers to firm the details of a date - the day and time was already set - only to receive a weird message, the day before the date, in the middle of the night asking ‘awake?’ - I replied the next morning saying, "yes, now I am awake" and never heard from him since...

-I was called “such a let down” just because I didn’t want to message further or meet a guy when it became clear we were not a match.

These were 4 different men. I am glad they showed who they are in such eatery stages and saved my time but honestly I am not inclined to put myself there is this is the norm now.

For the record - I had clear, recent and casual (as in not professional taken, but good) photos, nothing sexy, sensual or glamorous, not a cleavage or provocative body part / body posture on sight.
I also had a lighthearted but precise bio explaining who I am, what I like and what I am after - no ambiguity. I know the game and know how it works, I've probably been is most if not all OLD apps out there but never experienced something like this.

I'm in London btw, sure is the best place in England in terms of quantity of options?

Will go back to reply on meeting organically now, through hobbies, events, activities etc. Spring coming, I will put myself out there. Problem is, it seems like men don't approach women face to face anymore (unless there is alcohol and a party vibe involved?) I am not a pub / bar goer, so maybe this is what I am getting wrong.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 27/02/2023 01:29

Do you open your Facebook and insta up so everyone can see you and anyone can befriend you? - no, not if you have sense. So have better filters for OLD - if your site doesn't have settings, join one that does or pay for it so you can if serious. You can filter a lot out so you don't even have to read it. Lol, I got ones from men who were clearly on their 2nd attempt as their first didn't get through. Some couldn't resist mentioning it ( ok, I'll try again, oh that's not enough yet) - given a few more words to have to fill and they came off as dull, with nothing to say or inarticulate- next!

Carlycat · 27/02/2023 01:31

Single with a vibrator is the way to go ✊
Most men are a waste of space

Opentooffers · 27/02/2023 01:42

I do think that if you find anything that anyone says as a first contact upsetting, maybe OLD is not for you, and that's fine, opt out, everyone has their own limits. When from a generation where you've had to deal with creepy men in a bar, in person, nothing online is a worry I guess. Where's the threat really, its just a douche sounding off anonymously to someone else anonymously.

ToothyDuck · 27/02/2023 08:16

I think that it's completely normal to feel jaded and down when you find OLD experience so rife with disgusting unsolicited sexual comments. The experience is slightly better on paid websites.

Naunet · 27/02/2023 08:57

PhillyJoe · 26/02/2023 21:20

I don’t think the OP needs to look at why she found these experiences upsetting. She did and is choosing not to expose herself to any further. The risks outweigh the potential rewards for her. Just because someone else can tolerate this stuff doesn’t mean everyone can or should. And this really bears no reflection on how the OP may work through relational difficulties.

Yep, agree. The problem is the men who behave this way, not the women who find it disturbing or abusive.

Greenfairydust · 27/02/2023 09:28

''@Successgirl2022 · Yesterday 22:55
80% of younger and older generations meet online these days. It's the future of dating.''

Where do you get your stats from? because most stats show that about 30% to 40% of relationships start on online dating apps/site.

Nothing like what you are quoting...

Watchkeys · 27/02/2023 10:14

The problem is the men, but unless we want to spend our lives trying to change the men, the solution for each of us is to be responsible for our own feelings and actions, and simply leave these men behind. It's not on us to educate them. It is on us to look after ourselves.

Lpc3 · 27/02/2023 10:36

Greenfairydust · 27/02/2023 09:28

''@Successgirl2022 · Yesterday 22:55
80% of younger and older generations meet online these days. It's the future of dating.''

Where do you get your stats from? because most stats show that about 30% to 40% of relationships start on online dating apps/site.

Nothing like what you are quoting...

Yes it's incorrect. All the data overwhelmingly suggests online dating has poor outcomes for satisfying long term relationships.

Addicted2Kale · 27/02/2023 13:54

The problem is both genders have destroyed dating and realtionships. People have treated relationships like ordering a McDonald's, courtesy of OLD. And then wonder why the quality on offer is now like take away food. Trash. On both sides.

Meet some one at work, the gym/health centre. Or not at all. It's over. Buy a cat. And a rabbit.

User135644 · 27/02/2023 18:28

Addicted2Kale · 27/02/2023 13:54

The problem is both genders have destroyed dating and realtionships. People have treated relationships like ordering a McDonald's, courtesy of OLD. And then wonder why the quality on offer is now like take away food. Trash. On both sides.

Meet some one at work, the gym/health centre. Or not at all. It's over. Buy a cat. And a rabbit.

Men get jaded because they have to send message after message (regardless of content) to get a response, unless they're very good looking/photogenic. The average man gets nowhere fast and they end up treating it like a numbers game by sending cut and paste messages to 100 women in the hope one will respond. If they do they get frustrated if it leads nowhere because they'll have to send another 100 messages to get a response.

Women get frustrated because they're getting tons and tons of low quality offers, or the fuck boys who just want sex which isn't what a lot of women are looking for.

Both sexes get jaded.

ChiaraRimini · 27/02/2023 19:09

The problem is the sad men who just want a fuck, and the fake female profiles/Onlyfans that are set up to attract them.
Most apps are so cluttered with these people that its hard to find anyone normal who actually wants a relationship.

pixie5121 · 27/02/2023 20:05

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

notthisagainforest · 27/02/2023 20:37

Men are just revolting

Watchkeys · 27/02/2023 20:44

I hate the idea that you somehow need to suffer or spend years on end trying to find someone decent

It's worth mentioning that a person doesn't have to suffer when they receive crappy messages. They can just laugh it off an move on.

Tuilpmouse · 27/02/2023 20:51

I thinking some of these men become deliberately hostile and abusive in frustration at being in the 80-90% that routinely get overlooked (often for reasons of their own making) and decide that if they can't get laid then they're going to take it out on the women who will doubtless spurn them, ruining online dating for everyone... A bit like the kid who takes away the ball if thinks don't go his way in a football game.

Original poster
LeThemEatTurnips · 27/02/2023 21:40

Watchkeys · 27/02/2023 20:44

I hate the idea that you somehow need to suffer or spend years on end trying to find someone decent

It's worth mentioning that a person doesn't have to suffer when they receive crappy messages. They can just laugh it off an move on.

laugh it off?

it is not funny

even with all the emotion control in the world

you don’t get that we don’t want our lovely photos and careful written bios out there on display just to receive mocking messages right into our phones, eyes, brains, hearts… this is not okay and it is not healthy and avoiding it is self care, self protection, self preservation

I used to be a little like you, I think…full of high ideals on how to be emotionally superior, controlled and above the mundane feelings of the less enlightened…thanks fuck I’m completely out of this illusion and behaving / living like a proper human who gets upset, who calls out injustice and unfairness and who is not afraid to feel and point out how other’s actions are damaging to me
I no longer subscribe to this notion that “other people can hurt me if I don’t let them” - this is absolutely bollox and huge self gaslighting - I will never get back to that frame of mind ever again because that is what disempowered me in the past and held me back.

OP posts:
Original poster
LeThemEatTurnips · 27/02/2023 21:48

Tuilpmouse · 27/02/2023 20:51

I thinking some of these men become deliberately hostile and abusive in frustration at being in the 80-90% that routinely get overlooked (often for reasons of their own making) and decide that if they can't get laid then they're going to take it out on the women who will doubtless spurn them, ruining online dating for everyone... A bit like the kid who takes away the ball if thinks don't go his way in a football game.

Typical.
The fox and the grapes tale.

I forgot to include this one man that wrote his first message to me saying

“no thank you, your bio is too nice, I bet you didn’t write it and I bet your photos are fake, your profile is a sign you are low value”

now, that made me laugh! why write to me to say this? mind you, the app wasn’t even one of the swipe ones, I didn’t swipe on him, he had no need to write to me if he thought I was so low value and fake…but since he probably thought he had no chances with me, he decided to go for stabbing as revenge…

or maybe he was an Andrew Tate student trying one of the pick up lines.. I will never know🤣

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 27/02/2023 22:35

I used to be a little like you, I think…full of high ideals on how to be emotionally superior, controlled and above the mundane feelings of the less enlightened…thanks fuck I’m completely out of this illusion and behaving / living like a proper human who gets upset, who calls out injustice and unfairness and who is not afraid to feel and point out how other’s actions are damaging to me

Yes, thank fuck for the wisdom to be dragged down by other people's negativity, eh?

I wish you the best of luck.

DeeCeeCherry · 27/02/2023 22:54

If I were single I wouldnt touch online dating with a bargepole. Not in these times, when men's entitlement seems to be worse. A friend is on Silver Singles and it truly is breathtaking the amount of utter creeps she comes across. Yet Id have thought that site would be ok.

Ive followed an old school music scene for years. I happened to meet DP via this scene and we've been together almost 7 years now. Im 59.

Of course meeting organically isnt always perfect either. But online encourages chocolate-box mentality. If you turn a man down, what odds? He's likely listed on several sites, talking to several women. Somebody will bite. Of course there must be success stories but, its just too easy for them to mess about. & if you're older, how many years do you want to spend hoping you'll find Mr Right via the screen?

At least if you get out in real life you can enjoy yourself at classes, socials etc whatever you choose, and still do online dating alongside

ganvough · 27/02/2023 22:57

There will always be arseholes in the world - OLD just puts you into contact with them by opening up your world and putting them on your phone. But you'd meet these same arseholes in real life too - before OLD people did still cheat, perv etc. i think with OLD you can figure it out before you meet them or get involved at least.

Finding a good relationship is not completely in our control. There's an element of luck involved, and we can't control it. So no matter what you do, OLD or meet people in real life, there's smears the risk of meeting crummy humans. The same way you can't control whether you have a crummy boss at work or not. Other than moving on the minute something isn't working for you.

There isn't an answer - of course, there's decent guys out there and success stories, but that doesn't mean you'll end up with one. A dark truth no one wants to acknowledge, and OLD generates this false belief that meeting a suitable partner is easier. It's not - as that one can be as elusive whether you have 50 people to date or 2... So much better to try as many different avenues of meeting people as you can while also accepting there's no guarantee it will work out. But if you don your hard hat and brush off the weirdos without letting them get under your skin, you'll feel more in control and better about it all. And be very very careful on who you swipe - i think a lot of men's profiles do give clues if they're sleazy. A look in their eyes, how open their smile is, the way they pose, language they use/excessive emojis etc. If you can identify those signs, you'll avoid swiping or messaging and not experience the abuse.

Guavafish1 · 27/02/2023 23:02

Online men have always been creepy... you have to sieve through a lot of rubbish to find a gem.

Original poster
LeThemEatTurnips · 28/02/2023 08:17

Watchkeys · 27/02/2023 22:35

I used to be a little like you, I think…full of high ideals on how to be emotionally superior, controlled and above the mundane feelings of the less enlightened…thanks fuck I’m completely out of this illusion and behaving / living like a proper human who gets upset, who calls out injustice and unfairness and who is not afraid to feel and point out how other’s actions are damaging to me

Yes, thank fuck for the wisdom to be dragged down by other people's negativity, eh?

I wish you the best of luck.

wisdow and denial are two different things

it is possible to feel negative emotions and still not being dragged down by these emotions or other people’s negativity

but pretending it is not happening or it doesn’t matter, it is not good for me

but if it’s working for you, enjoy

OP posts:
PeaceLilyCactus · 28/02/2023 08:25

I think there are some genuine and kind people out there but there’s a lot of horrors too. You mentioned that one guy you were messaging only had one photo of himself on his profile. One rule I have is I never message anyone who doesn’t have at least three photos of themselves on their profile. I find it really does filter out a lot of the weirdos hiding behind a mask of anonymity. If they really want to date, they’ll be showing an openness that includes multiple photos advertising themselves.

Original poster
LeThemEatTurnips · 28/02/2023 08:34

PeaceLilyCactus · 28/02/2023 08:25

I think there are some genuine and kind people out there but there’s a lot of horrors too. You mentioned that one guy you were messaging only had one photo of himself on his profile. One rule I have is I never message anyone who doesn’t have at least three photos of themselves on their profile. I find it really does filter out a lot of the weirdos hiding behind a mask of anonymity. If they really want to date, they’ll be showing an openness that includes multiple photos advertising themselves.

I agree with you but with this particular guy, he had a professional photo and an unusual name, so easy to find him on google, same photo was on his linkedin, company website and whatsapp. Could be all fake though. Very professional and high earning / power job still such an a*hole.

OP posts:
Original poster
LeThemEatTurnips · 28/02/2023 08:35

BTW this particular app I was on I didn’t need to swipe on anyone, they cane straight on my inbox - I hate swiping but the disdvantage of not doing so is that anyone can contact you

OP posts:
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