I just can't cope with my husband's crazy making, contempt, and cruelty anymore

[Wildfloral]

My husband and I had a fight because I woke him up last night asking him to change positions, so he'd stop snoring.

My husband snores like a monstrous beast crossed with a gravelly, raspberry-blowing, vibrating truck. But because he need his sleep for work, I don't disturb him on weekdays. I wear earplugs or leave him on the sofa if he falls asleep there for a night of good sleep.

Last night, being Friday night, I decided to tell him to stop snoring ("please for the love of god, stop!") as I'd been awake for nearly two hours trying not to murder him and then realised I can wake him and get him to change pillows/move/rearrange/unswallow his tongue as it wasn't a work night.

He reacted really badly, telling me to stop waking him up, that it wasn't fair, that he wasn't snoring, wasn't even asleep, and things like - why should I care as I was on my phone (I usually wait for him to settle down so I can fall asleep in that brief period of silence, but I have to make sure he's gonna be silent for at least twenty minutes first, It's a hard game to play), he told me I should just go to sleep, then after spouting off he said do I want him to go to the sofa ?.... yes I did, but I don't like to tell him to leave the bed... it would be nice for him to just believe me when I say his snoring is LOUD and for him to want to do something about it.

Here's the kicker.
I am EXHAUSTED. I have huge dark circles and I woke up at 12pm and was falling asleep at the table at 8pm. I am so tired because we are trying for a baby, and my hormones have made me this tired. It is 9DPO, it might be implantation. He knew this, and still didn't care that I couldn't sleep.

He was really angry. He jumped up and made a huge deal of getting a blanket (which is already on the sofa) tuning the lights on, stomping round, and then real rey started to go at me saying things like I'm stupid retarded, I'm ignorant, endless insults. I'm just lying there waiting for him to stop and leave the room.... he always says nasty things to hurt me in a fight.

I said back to him 'why did you marry me then, if you think I'm stupid?'... he started saying other mean stuff, but I can't remember. I was covering my eyes from the light and trying not to get mad... because I am trying to get pregnant and want to be healthy and happy right now, but I ended up yelling loudly as he was going off on nasty tangents: 'this is not about my intelligence this is about your snoring, you have a medical problem and it needs to get fixed, you need to go to the doctor otherwise we won't be able to share a room and you should care about me and whether I can sleep!!!'

I just can't believe he thinks he was wronged because I woke him up.

So he left, I fell asleep an hour later cos I was so hurt by the things he said, and got woken up really early to him obnoxiously on purpose making loads of noise to disturb me. I quickly took my BBT temperature and he left the house without saying goodbye. He left to do extra work about 9am.

All day long I hear nothing from him. In the morning I thought he just needed to cool off, by the afternoon I was thinking he was giving me the silent treatment, but by 9pm I was crying over my food over this.

Then he came home at 11pm. I came out from the kitchen to see him. He had a bunch of flowers almost bigger than me, it was sooooo huge in pale pinks and white the colours I love. I am not a crying kind of woman but I started to cry. I had been prepping myself all day on how to confront him and set boundaries regarding insults and name calling, and there he was with a big bunch of flowers about to apologise. I said the flowers were beautiful and then he said "can you guess they are fake flowers? I thought they would look nice in the house". They were fake but looked so real and I was just blown away by them and the gesture. Then I asked where he'd been all day etcetera, and he gave me a hug and said he'd place the flowers down for me because they were heavy.

Then we walked into the kitchen. It was at this point I paused and realised he hadn't actually apologised at all. My heart started racing wildy, maybe the hormones were affecting my heart? But anyway, I asked him what the flowers were for and he just repeated that he thought they were nice and would look good I'm the house.

My heart started pounding so badly I thought he could hear it racing. It felt like I was having a heart attack. I wanted to leave the room. I couldn't believe he'd be so callous. I asked him again, 'I thought that you were going to say something with these flowers, that you got them for me, that's why I stopped in my tracks and started crying'.
He said, 'no I don't have anything to apologise for' and 'I don't want to talk about anything tonight'..etcetera ...My heart nearly jumped out of my chest with the panic.

I'd spent all day being given the silent treatment, waiting at home not sure where he was, after he said some of the most horrid things to me (again) when I might well be pregnant (soon), only to have this trick played on me with a giant bouquet of flowers, all because I woke him up snoring and told him he needs to get it sorted, and having to shout this at him as he was escalting this and losing the plot over it (he can never stay on topic in a dispute).

My heart was racing wildly for the second time in under twenty minutes, whilst I tried to comprehend what was going on. It was like shock, a panic attack, a heart attack all in one. I clutched at it and gasped. I nearly fell. What the hell? Isn't that the cruellest thing he could do? He could have fixed it with a few words, but instead, the flowers were either a mean joke, or a coincidence that he hadn't thought through.

I told him I don't want him swearing at me, calling me names because it hurts me, it makes me feel small and little and asked why he does it. He wouldn't give me any answer... then he just walked off to sleep on the sofa and left me hanging there. I couldn't help it. I had to talk to him, I followed him in there we had a brief argument rehashing this bloody stupid argument form last night - where I realised he didn't even remember what happened last night or was trying to gaslight me, as he kept saying things that didn't happen, and out of order. I feel like I am going mad.

I told him I don't want his bouquet without an apology and threw the giant thing in the front garden. I told him if he doesn't fix these three things..1, 2 and 3. I want to separate, that I can't cope with the insanity of having my self-esteem whittled away by verbal abuse. I know I shouldn't have - Ultimatums go against my beliefs. I do not swear, I do not name call and I do not say anything in an argument below the belt. I feel awful for doing this. And I'm panicking as I have to commit to it now.

I just feel like he has ruined everything. He ruined our weekend. He ruined my TWW. He possibly ruined how I feel about my early pregnancy. I feel like this is just the icing on the cake for his cruelty. He does not respect me, he thinks I'm stupid but he was trying for a baby with me one week ago??! He has so much contempt for me and I think it must stem from shame for how he treats me.

I feel like my world is falways apart. I can't take the abuse anymore. I am SO FED UP. It's constant. He always says he'll stop, then three weeks later he's calling me names again, emotionallwly abusing me somehow, leaving me constantly on the defensive and eggshells. He always denies he has ever hurt me. I have no where to go. And I just can't take it anymore.

Sorry this probably makes no sense. It would be easier in person to express the whole story.

Please stop dramatic waffling. As you can see, nobody responds well to it.

I asked what is stopping you from leaving him. As in, right now. Not rumination on times gone by. Today. So, the reason you’re not ending this right now is…sadness? I’m sorry, but that’s not really an answer.

I’ll ask again. What, in straightforward language, is stopping you from ending this relationship today? Tell us - without resorting to hyperbole and high melodrama - and we’ll help find solutions.

If he even exists.

You are in such a good position. You haven't had a baby with him, may not even be pregnant yet - and you already know he's an A grade ass-hole.
It will be so much more difficult taking a baby or a toddler to the hostel you speak of. Do it now or just pack and go to your mum's.

What's stopping you from just moving back to your mum's?

Perhaps the fact that this post is fiction?

@AlmostaMamma reason being, sadness is stopping me. And scared. Where will I go, what will I do? And most importantly, as I said, if I leave it is over, there is no fairy tale. I know that if I were to leave, he is too stubborn to make up, no matter how wrong he is.

Plus I am not melodramatic. I use words on paper to express emotions! Dramatic waffling! I don’t know how to write any other way then. Perhaps if I were loud and dramatic, I wouldn’t be the kind of person to let someone walk on me for this long.

@HereForTheFreeLunch Thanks yes I could well be, I keep telling myself this. My mum lives overseas, I am a foreigner originally. I need to get a new passport issued, and scrape together money for flights, not to mention abandoning my cats, my new career path and pack up years worth of possessions. It would take me a couple of months to sort all this out. Plus I really like it here in the UK, so it would not feel good going back there.
I’m thinking of asking a friend in London if I can stay there for a few weeks?

It knocked me back because I’d spent all day mentally preparing myself for the kind of argument that ends it all. I had what I would say planned, and my boundaries chosen. I was at breaking point that he would call me such low things when I am potentially pregnant with his child. Your husband sounds lovely.

OP if you are really keen on staying and have a job why not get your own place? It would avoid the hassle of flights and abandoning stuff. If you like it here and your job and cats ( I also love cats) why not give that a try. Anytime with this dude is dead time. He will not be the person you hope for.

sadness is stopping me.

That’s a meaningless statement.

Where will I go, what will I do?

So, you make a plan. If you need to leave the country, plan how. If you need a new job, start applying. If you’re going to relocate elsewhere in this country, figure out where and how to make it happen.

And most importantly, as I said, if I leave it is over, there is no fairy tale.

There is already no fairytale. Your relationship is garbage. The fact that this is ‘most important’ is bloody stupid. Stop this nonsense.

I know that if I were to leave, he is too stubborn to make up, no matter how wrong he is.

You need to end it. His being too stubborn to make up is irrelevant, as you shouldn’t be making up.

Plus I am not melodramatic.

You are incredibly melodramatic.

I use words on paper to express emotions!

And you do so melodramatically.

Dramatic waffling! I don’t know how to write any other way then.

Then you need to learn.

Perhaps if I were loud and dramatic, I wouldn’t be the kind of person to let someone walk on me for this long.

You can stop letting him walk over you, right now. You’re choosing high melodrama instead.

Do you think that he snores on purpose? How did the government make you dependent upon him? Your thought processes seem a bit skewed. His reactions seem unkind.

Maybe, you are just 2 people who are not flexible enough to live peacefully together. Neither of you seem to have normal responses to ordinary situations. Throwing the flowers out because you misinterpreted his intent seems as bizarre as thinking that the government made you dependent upon him, and his unnecessarily unkind responses just illustrate how far apart you are as a couple.

You may think that you care for each other, but neither of you seem to have the flexibility required to live peacefully with another person.

Hi @Iwouldlikesomecake there are no women’s refuges in this district.

They work with the council, they help you to fill in forms etc to declare myself homeless, and go on an urgent list for council flat. In the interim, there is a halfway house the council has, but they have to warn the women asking for help that it’s not just unpleasant, it can be quite scary to be around drug addicts and homeless people if you have never experience anything like that before. They are very aware and honest about it that’s its a terrible solution to DV, and that they lose a lot of women trying to leave because of that.

I have been extremely tired, and I do think it’s because of my hormones, and I would expect my husband to care that I slept well the few nights it really mattered - early in the pregnancy during implantation when stress should be avoided and you are supposed to have a good diet and sleep well. The TWW is hard enough. But he didn’t care. So were my expectations outlandish? Should have anticipated this and made up a bed elsewhere on the floor to avoid being verbally assaulted at 1am?

You guys don’t know what my job is, and I don’t want to identify myself, but yes there are some jobs you cannot do whilst pregnant, due to H&S, dangerous things and other factors. They may allow me to continue for a couple of months with a risk assessment. I know they often try to transfer people and would probably be quite helpful.

I didn’t think of how what I said about my life being pointless without children would hurt you, I was expressing my innermost thoughts here anonymously. I know a lot of people who never had children and a happy and fulfilled and busy, but I don’t think I have the strength of character to be like them. And I might not be lucky either, I may fail and live a life with my cats and see if I can enjoy the world.

In one post you say you have no job but in another you say you do have a job

You claim this career is too dangerous for a pregnant woman which is bizarre as employers still have to employ you whether pregnant or not

You have not talked about why you have no passport

You said you have friends in their 70s - can’t they give you £80 for a passport?

You can get a job in a bar, supermarket or as a carer, you haven’t explored this option

You can easily work 2 40 hour weeks and have enough money for a passport and flight

or ask this man for the money? You said you were prepared to end the relationship when he came through the door with the flowers - whst stopped you?

OP

Before the baby is born (if there is one) then they don't have any rights. You can move wherever you like, and your ex has to make that work if he wants a relationship.

Secondly there are organisations that house pets of victims of domestic violence. Don't let them hold you back.

Why do you need a refuge or council housing? You’re well educated and you have a job. Find a flat share, move in, pay rent.

Honestly, the way this is written doesn’t seem particularly believable.

Hi @Mari9999 honestly throwing the flowers out the front door was the best feeling in the world and I can see why women do on TV. It felt really freeing.

PS when you can’t get a job due to lockdown, and are not eligible for benefits, you are dependent on your spouse and they are financially responsible for your care. It’s an awful experience, like being a 1950s house wife, and I was so distressed and felt vulnerable. I did so many online job interviews, and it took me more than a year to get this one. I don’t know where you got the idea the ‘the government made me dependent on him’ - my redundancy and my marriage made me his dependent, and his salary meant I was not eligible for anything.

@2023a yes you’re right it’s not a problem now I have a job, but people were asking about a previous experience I had of trying to leave at the start of the pandemic and why I didn’t go through with it. I think I will stay with a friend in London for a while.

Do you have “leave to remain” if you split up with your husband? You probably want to check your immigration status. Also, are you able to renew your passport for your home county whilst you are over here.

I think you need to get your legalities sorted.

@YetiTeri I’ll look into that. But I could just leave them here with him, he’s going to take care of them and it would be best for them. It just adds to the heartbreak though.

Should also have asked, what sort of Visa are you here on ?

Yes I’m a resident, I think I can go home country without passport if it’s an emergency. I’m just going to start the process to renew my passport today though, and see. I am so lucky to have this job! I was not able to renew it when it expired in 2020 because it was just an unnecessary expense.

Most people are asking about your current situation and what you’re going to do now.

Hi @Quitelikeit no, I have a job. I said I didn’t have a job in most of lockdown.
They can’t employ you if it’s hazardous to unborn baby, a risk assessment would be done, and I guess afterwards if they decided it was okay I go on for a few months, I’d have to decide if I’d want to place any risk on the foetus even with safety measures in place. I am fairly certain the company would be able to relocate me, even if it was just admin for a while, if I was really unhappy. And they have a bit of a responsibility to not look like inflexible dinosaurs to pregnant women as there are so few in the industry.

I would not ask for money, I think that’s something I’d only borrow from family. And besides, at the time it expired it was lockdown and we were broke, so the rationale was I can’t even use it til the pandemic is over. Will cost about three hundred pounds. I’m starting on getting that back today, on the website now.

Ooof and I don’t even want to think about flights - more than I earn in a month!

I was prepared to stand my ground with severe consequences, the flowers really threw me as it was so out of character for him, but I still did give him an ultimatum (which I know is wrong) and said the consequence would be I would leave if not done. And I know he won’t do anything, so that means I have to stick to it.

@2023a I think I get confused between trolls asking irrelevant question about my past and nit picking details, and sticking to the facts of today.

The counsellor said doubting yourself, thinking I must be overreacting and getting muddled is an effect of emotional abuse. I hate seeing myself like that.

So, what are you going to do? What’s your plan?

At first I thought this was a snoring issue.

Then I thought it was a verbal abuse thread.

Then I saw he's battered you around the ears/ head (?)

So it's an all round, including physucal.anudd thread.

He's an abuser.

It's not a good idea to have a baby with abusers. Babies are very very stressful. They create lots and lots of opportunities for conflict.

I would advise you to get the map. Stop TTC.

It would also definitely be best for your happiness and life if you move out to a friend's house of flatshare/house share. It's brilliant that you have a job.

When out, you can build yourself back up. You e already applied for your passport. You have the option of returning home or staying in the UK.

*So it's an all round, including physical abuse thread.