I just can't cope with my husband's crazy making, contempt, and cruelty anymore

[Wildfloral]

My husband and I had a fight because I woke him up last night asking him to change positions, so he'd stop snoring.

My husband snores like a monstrous beast crossed with a gravelly, raspberry-blowing, vibrating truck. But because he need his sleep for work, I don't disturb him on weekdays. I wear earplugs or leave him on the sofa if he falls asleep there for a night of good sleep.

Last night, being Friday night, I decided to tell him to stop snoring ("please for the love of god, stop!") as I'd been awake for nearly two hours trying not to murder him and then realised I can wake him and get him to change pillows/move/rearrange/unswallow his tongue as it wasn't a work night.

He reacted really badly, telling me to stop waking him up, that it wasn't fair, that he wasn't snoring, wasn't even asleep, and things like - why should I care as I was on my phone (I usually wait for him to settle down so I can fall asleep in that brief period of silence, but I have to make sure he's gonna be silent for at least twenty minutes first, It's a hard game to play), he told me I should just go to sleep, then after spouting off he said do I want him to go to the sofa ?.... yes I did, but I don't like to tell him to leave the bed... it would be nice for him to just believe me when I say his snoring is LOUD and for him to want to do something about it.

Here's the kicker.
I am EXHAUSTED. I have huge dark circles and I woke up at 12pm and was falling asleep at the table at 8pm. I am so tired because we are trying for a baby, and my hormones have made me this tired. It is 9DPO, it might be implantation. He knew this, and still didn't care that I couldn't sleep.

He was really angry. He jumped up and made a huge deal of getting a blanket (which is already on the sofa) tuning the lights on, stomping round, and then real rey started to go at me saying things like I'm stupid retarded, I'm ignorant, endless insults. I'm just lying there waiting for him to stop and leave the room.... he always says nasty things to hurt me in a fight.

I said back to him 'why did you marry me then, if you think I'm stupid?'... he started saying other mean stuff, but I can't remember. I was covering my eyes from the light and trying not to get mad... because I am trying to get pregnant and want to be healthy and happy right now, but I ended up yelling loudly as he was going off on nasty tangents: 'this is not about my intelligence this is about your snoring, you have a medical problem and it needs to get fixed, you need to go to the doctor otherwise we won't be able to share a room and you should care about me and whether I can sleep!!!'

I just can't believe he thinks he was wronged because I woke him up.

So he left, I fell asleep an hour later cos I was so hurt by the things he said, and got woken up really early to him obnoxiously on purpose making loads of noise to disturb me. I quickly took my BBT temperature and he left the house without saying goodbye. He left to do extra work about 9am.

All day long I hear nothing from him. In the morning I thought he just needed to cool off, by the afternoon I was thinking he was giving me the silent treatment, but by 9pm I was crying over my food over this.

Then he came home at 11pm. I came out from the kitchen to see him. He had a bunch of flowers almost bigger than me, it was sooooo huge in pale pinks and white the colours I love. I am not a crying kind of woman but I started to cry. I had been prepping myself all day on how to confront him and set boundaries regarding insults and name calling, and there he was with a big bunch of flowers about to apologise. I said the flowers were beautiful and then he said "can you guess they are fake flowers? I thought they would look nice in the house". They were fake but looked so real and I was just blown away by them and the gesture. Then I asked where he'd been all day etcetera, and he gave me a hug and said he'd place the flowers down for me because they were heavy.

Then we walked into the kitchen. It was at this point I paused and realised he hadn't actually apologised at all. My heart started racing wildy, maybe the hormones were affecting my heart? But anyway, I asked him what the flowers were for and he just repeated that he thought they were nice and would look good I'm the house.

My heart started pounding so badly I thought he could hear it racing. It felt like I was having a heart attack. I wanted to leave the room. I couldn't believe he'd be so callous. I asked him again, 'I thought that you were going to say something with these flowers, that you got them for me, that's why I stopped in my tracks and started crying'.
He said, 'no I don't have anything to apologise for' and 'I don't want to talk about anything tonight'..etcetera ...My heart nearly jumped out of my chest with the panic.

I'd spent all day being given the silent treatment, waiting at home not sure where he was, after he said some of the most horrid things to me (again) when I might well be pregnant (soon), only to have this trick played on me with a giant bouquet of flowers, all because I woke him up snoring and told him he needs to get it sorted, and having to shout this at him as he was escalting this and losing the plot over it (he can never stay on topic in a dispute).

My heart was racing wildly for the second time in under twenty minutes, whilst I tried to comprehend what was going on. It was like shock, a panic attack, a heart attack all in one. I clutched at it and gasped. I nearly fell. What the hell? Isn't that the cruellest thing he could do? He could have fixed it with a few words, but instead, the flowers were either a mean joke, or a coincidence that he hadn't thought through.

I told him I don't want him swearing at me, calling me names because it hurts me, it makes me feel small and little and asked why he does it. He wouldn't give me any answer... then he just walked off to sleep on the sofa and left me hanging there. I couldn't help it. I had to talk to him, I followed him in there we had a brief argument rehashing this bloody stupid argument form last night - where I realised he didn't even remember what happened last night or was trying to gaslight me, as he kept saying things that didn't happen, and out of order. I feel like I am going mad.

I told him I don't want his bouquet without an apology and threw the giant thing in the front garden. I told him if he doesn't fix these three things..1, 2 and 3. I want to separate, that I can't cope with the insanity of having my self-esteem whittled away by verbal abuse. I know I shouldn't have - Ultimatums go against my beliefs. I do not swear, I do not name call and I do not say anything in an argument below the belt. I feel awful for doing this. And I'm panicking as I have to commit to it now.

I just feel like he has ruined everything. He ruined our weekend. He ruined my TWW. He possibly ruined how I feel about my early pregnancy. I feel like this is just the icing on the cake for his cruelty. He does not respect me, he thinks I'm stupid but he was trying for a baby with me one week ago??! He has so much contempt for me and I think it must stem from shame for how he treats me.

I feel like my world is falways apart. I can't take the abuse anymore. I am SO FED UP. It's constant. He always says he'll stop, then three weeks later he's calling me names again, emotionallwly abusing me somehow, leaving me constantly on the defensive and eggshells. He always denies he has ever hurt me. I have no where to go. And I just can't take it anymore.

Sorry this probably makes no sense. It would be easier in person to express the whole story.

Yes exactly. Spiralling is a good way to put it.

I spiralled. God it was so mean.

I am fed up of being called names. He had a chance and he lost it.

No, you’re free to leave whilst pregnant, there is no abduction when you’re pregnant, you’re not an incubator. And what industry do you work in that means you’d have to quit? Legally they should be looking to change your duties whilst pregnant, not force you to quit. You need to be aware of your legal rights.
Are you able to pay for some therapy?

@monsteramunch yes I know. I don't want this for a child. I am f#^ked. If I am pregnant I would be trapped with him here co-parenting with someone who doesn't even think they've done anything wrong. And the worst part is that the family court or whatever would not think a toxic man is too bad to be a father. I never wanted a broken family. I would not even be allowed to move somewhere else for work.

**

Yes @Naunet I could, like you mean proper psychological counselling?

I know you are hurting but to say:
That would mean a life of no children, no noise in the house, no little voices, no teaching them how to cook and how the world works. Oh god it hurts to think of such an empty, pointless life. I'm stuck in a Catch 22. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Have you any idea how offensive and hurtful this is to women who can't have children? "empty and pointless life?" Enough already with the dramatic and self indulgent self pity!! Surely you cannot be so blind as to see that it is better YOU have an "empty and pointless life" than bringing a child into it to be abused. A child is not a toy to bring you fulfilment and entertainment, it's an innocent new life that deserves to be brought into a safe and loving home not one that is already abusive! If you think it's painful to not have a child to "teach how the world works", think how painful it will be to try to teach them how to be quiet and well behaved so as to not upset daddy. And to look into their eyes and to see their terror after daddy has yelled at them (or worse!), AGAIN, because they forgot the lesson you taught them about not waking daddy up...

Think, think, and think again about those frightened, innocent eyes looking at you for protection and you giving the excuses you have given on here for not protecting them and taking them away from the abuse. Still want a child under those conditions? Not a carefree child learning to cook but a terrified, cowed child with a mother who refused to put them first because she was too selfish and WANTED a child, under any circumstances. The first rule of motherhood is (or should be) that the child comes first. Unconditionally.

Well then you'd better hurry up and make a decision and get on with it then!

All this dramatic effect.

Get a passport and go back to your family.

Or stay with this abusive man and damage your child in the process.

More nonsense.

If I am pregnant I would be trapped with him here co-parenting with someone who doesn't even think they've done anything wrong.

If you’re pregnant, move now. There is nothing stopping you. You are not required to stay with him. And, yes, you can certainly move country if you do so before the child is born.

I never wanted a broken family.

But you’re happy to give a child s miserable family and an abusive father?

I would not even be allowed to move somewhere else for work.

What does this even mean? Particularly as you claim you’d have to quit your job if you got pregnant, anyway? You move, you get a new job, you get on with your life. With minimal drama.

Well we'll see if I am pregnant first.
And then talk about how terrible a person I am to want have children with my husband, who had improved dramatically at the time.

And it's kind of awful how everyone here seems to think I would stay. I would have to back to my country for family support before birth as I wouldn't want to be trapped and not allowed to leave the country (unless I left my child here).

The other night I gave him an ultimatum and told him if three things didn't change, I would be leaving. He won't do them. There is no going back on that now. I wanted help because I am hurt, scared and my bodily reaction was bizarre and frightening. I wanted to see if this was as nuts as it seems to me.

Do not have a baby with this man. Just don't. It's so much harder to divorce an abusive man if you have children.

My exh was like this. It's abusive. Horribly abusive.

You have not made your bed! Get up, and get out. Find a gentle loving person to share your life with. I live this along with much more that crept up slowly. It's like being a boiled frog.

Get out. Please. If you find you are now pregnant leave before the baby arrives.

Yes I would move beforehand.

Telling you guys that I never wanted a broken family is a statement of fact, not an intention to keep a child in danger.

And I think that last thing I meant I would not be able to transfer as it's hazardous work. I'd have to somehow see if the company were willing to place me elsewhere, despite being trained in this, maybe admin?

Why are you waiting to see if you are pregnant? What difference will that make? Your husband is abuse. Your marriage is abusive. Your family is already broken. You need to leave.

I hope you're not pregnant - sorry.

I don't understand why you're waiting to find out if you're pregnant to make a decision about staying / leaving?

@inloveandmarried

How did you make yourself whole again? I feel so broken and small. I don't feel empowered by thinking or making plans to leave. I just feel sad. Dead. A lot of numbness. Numbness is like my baseline personality. I want to be happy and alive and feel joy again. People used to say I was delight, childlike with happiness and naivety. I cannot imagine being delightful now.

How old were you when you escaped?

What is it that is stopping you from leaving this man?

Whatever, fantasist.

I think it’s terrible the government doesn’t personally cater to you. Expecting you to be near those common homeless people. How callous of them! I want you to know OP that not all of the U.K. is like that , some of us were raised properly to put YOU and what YOU WANT first and foremost. Bloody tories.

😄

That's not the point. Even the women's aid were sorry they have no refuges in my town, and were trying to find a better solution. You really want to go to dodgy half way house, on your own, with lots of scary men there, whilst you're balling yoru eyes out, or hurt? With rooms that open up to the same hallway and a shared bathroom. Women leaving DV need a safe place. This was not like staying at a youth hostel. I felt safer in the spare room at home. And no the government did nothing to help me, these women are all volunteers.

I can't believe all it takes to blow your mind is a bunch of fake flowers in colours you like. Your bar, your standards are set far far too low. Don't get me wrong, I like my DH bringing me flowers, concocted etc as it's always a nice little surprise but it's not worthy of any sort of reaction that it elicited from you. What blows my mind is how my DH treats me with respect every single day and puts me and our children first above everything else. If I need him, he's there right away. He loves me unconditionally and if I woke him to ask him to stop snoring he would apologise and roll over. He's my team mate, my equal and he loves nothing more than doing things that make me smile, and I'm exactly the same.

You need to leave this man. He will only get worse and worse when you are pregnant or have a kid.

I assume it’s all self funded too and they provide their own properties. Jolly decent of them. Especially as the government forced you into financial dependence on this abusive man. Wait no you have a job and are well educated sorry it’s hard to keep up , the narrative writhes like a snake on hot tin. Also the government made your passport invalid and then stop you getting a new one. It’s no wonder they can’t find the time for anything else. They are a focused bunch , I will give them that.

@AlmostaMamma

At first wanting to forgive, knowing how he was made, love, compassion, then shame, embarrassment, humiliation. Then it was being entirely financially dependent on him and so stuck. Then wanting to make it work, getting it to work for a while, loving him still. And now I guess sadness. It's sad because me leaving now would definitely be the end as he's too prideful to chase me down and beg me to come back. So I know leaving would be the end, and it feel like I'm the only one who tried and gave up so much for him.

Yet again, rubbish.

If it’s a women’s refuge for those fleeing DV there’s not ‘scary men’ there

If you are TTC you are not kept awake at night and made to feel unwell because of ‘hormones’ unless you are going through IVF (TTC without assistance is literally called ‘not being pregnant’)

not having children does not mean ‘an empty and pointless life’ unless you make it that way. Some of us can’t have children and have had failed IVF where you genuinely do feel like shit and then get nothing out of it anyway. So that’s nice. But my life isn’t empty and pointless.

There are practically no jobs that you would ‘have’ to give up due to pregnancy.

your husband sounds like an arsehole though, you should really leave, just for that.

You would have to be absolutely insane to have a baby with this man. He's absolutely fucking horrible.