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Relationships

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Original poster

DH and sex expectancy

101 replies

XMissPlacedX · 25/02/2023 17:34

DH is a kind man, shares the housework and childcare 50/50 and we have a good marriage. There is just one issue that's causing quite a bit of an atmosphere.

He would have sex everyday if I would , but expects it about 3/4 times a week. If he doesn't get it he goes a little bit quiet as though he is sulking but says he isn't. The reason he says he goes quiet is because he doesn't feel close to me if we don't have it. He says he needs to cum once a day or he feels stressed ( so has a wank).

He has constantly got me on a promise, for instance on a Monday he will say " fancy a cuddle tonight' ( meaning sex), if I say no he says " ok what about tomorrow then ?", leaving me to feel pressured to 'give in' the next day. If I keep saying no he goes quieter and quieter until I finally give in.

He also has to work it around his drinking. He drinks quite a bit of wine which means he can't always keep an erection , so the conversation goes " if I don't drink tonight , can we have a cuddle "? If I say yes and don't fancy it later on he will sulk because he 'put off' having a drink.

It's like a vicious cycle and no I've got to the point where I just never want it as i always feel pressured or it feels planned.

I got home today about 4pm from a night away and the first thing he said was " fancy a cuddle "?, I said no as ive just got back and am tired , his response was ' but I want a glass of wine '... I feel like I have to accommodate his drinking by having sex around it.

Well done if you've managed to read this , I didn't want to drop feed and know it's long. Can anyone help or share any knowledge on how I can discuss my concerns with him and get this to stop , it's putting me off so much.
Thanks

OP posts:

Naunet · 25/02/2023 17:49

He sounds utterly tedious and like he’s sucking all the fun out of your sex life. Does he ever even make an effort to get you in the mood (in a way you’d appreciate)?

Lizziet64 · 25/02/2023 17:50

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Spottycarousel · 25/02/2023 17:52

Wow its all based around his perceived needs and wants. He seems to lack concern for you and he isn't proactive in gettinh you in the mood.

Can you tell him in order to feel like sex it needs to be an attractive proposition and both parties need to want it? It seems he lacks respect for how you feel.

FfeminyddCymraeg · 25/02/2023 17:52

Jesus fucking Christ. LTB. Honestly, this behaviour would kill any looks I had on this man.

There is nothing less attractive than a man pestering you for sex.

This would be a dealbreaker for me. I couldn’t live like this. ‘Fancy a cuddle’ is now etched in to my brain 🤢

Shoxfordian · 25/02/2023 17:53

He doesn’t sound kind at all, he sounds completely focused on his own needs and he’s treating you like a defective sex doll. It’s not ok. He doesn’t respect you

mumyes · 25/02/2023 17:53

Oh my god.

How awful.

Simply awful.

bamboonights · 25/02/2023 17:57

I'm probably a little older than you and have been married twice. Although this was not the reason my marriages broke up, the first one definitely would not have lasted the course as now I'm older I realise we were massively sexually incompatible. I was also sexually pestered and pressured and ended up being extremely unhappy and resentful and glad we split in the end.

UWhatNow · 25/02/2023 17:58

There will be some handmaids that will inevitably come on and say that it’s normal for a husband to want to feel ‘close’ to his wife but why does closeness for these men always translate as ejaculating into a warm body? There are many, many ways to be close together but he’s only interested in one thing. He’s a sulky little sex pest - ironically the worst turn off.

IwasToldThereWouldBeCake · 25/02/2023 17:58

Thank God I m single!!

Tell him to stop suggesting cuddles for a month, that you want to be free to take the initiative when you feel in the mood, no scheduling or pee planned cuddle time. Up to him to lay off the wine if it effects his performance.

Is he an alcoholic?

pointythings · 25/02/2023 18:00

He's basically saying 'have sex with me or I will drink excessively'. That's not loving, kind or caring. It's manipulative and awful.

Backstreets · 25/02/2023 18:01

Sounds massively annoying and I can see why it's putting you off. No good advice, sorry. Would you rather he just leave you the hell alone, or do you want him to upgrade his seduction game from sadface guilt trip?

Nelly10 · 25/02/2023 18:03

Yuck 🤢 sorry couldn’t cope with this op.

I would be leaving sorry you don’t deserve a creepy man like that.

Luredbyapomegranate · 25/02/2023 18:05

Well drinking too much and pestering isn’t kind.

So I would sit down with him and tell him to sort his drinking out, it is only going to get worse. This is a deal breaker.

With sex - what do you want? Tell him that. Maybe if involves taking a break for a couple of weeks.

If someone said fancy a cuddle in reference to sex to me I think my libido would go into hiding till November, so if that is part of what’s repelling you, then tell him.

Clymene · 25/02/2023 18:05

Buy him a fleshlight. Posters on the sex topic can advise you.

Seriously though, there is nothing kind about a man who manipulates his wife into sex. It's coercive. It's controlling. It's anything but kind.

Buildingthefuture · 25/02/2023 18:07

Sex pests are simply not attractive. In any way. Tell him that and if he continues to pester you? There are decisions to be made….

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/02/2023 18:08

There are two problems. He has an alcohol issue. Which you appear not to be worried about.

The definition of an alcohol problem is that you drink, it causes you issues, you carry on drinking. Why don't you suggest he stops drinking for a month and you will see if you feel like spontaneous sex? Because why are YOU feeling pressured when he's all about his twin wants of sex and drinking?

Xrays · 25/02/2023 18:09

No he’s not kind. He’s a sulky bully. That’s the bottom line. And a manipulative one at that.

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/02/2023 18:09

And his 'need' to come every day and his 'need' to drink almost everyday are likely part of the same issue.

loopyb · 25/02/2023 18:09

Sounds like sexual coercion to me. Not ok. Does he need therapy for sex/ porn addiction?

CheekyHobson · 25/02/2023 18:12

Sounds like he has emotional regulation issues. If he can’t deal with the “stress” of what sounds like everyday life without either sex or drinking (and making his stress your problem if he can’t have either) then he has a serious problem.

He may need to get acquainted with healthier stress management tools like exercise, yoga or meditation.

PermanentTemporary · 25/02/2023 18:13

I'm sorry, this does sound awful.

How often do you actually want to have sex with him, if there's no pressure? It must be difficult to know at the moment because it sounds as if your desire is buried under his. Maybe once a week? Twice?

Presumably if you asked to stick to that sort of frequency, he would then drink loads.

He's got some major issues.

greenspaces4peace · 25/02/2023 18:16

sex pest at it's worse....
along with the drinking i assume what he really needs is therapy of some sort.

piedbeauty · 25/02/2023 18:21

Shoxfordian · 25/02/2023 17:53

He doesn’t sound kind at all, he sounds completely focused on his own needs and he’s treating you like a defective sex doll. It’s not ok. He doesn’t respect you

This.

Xrays · 25/02/2023 18:22

Do you actually want to have sex with him at all? I’d find it impossible to feel remotely attracted to anyone like this.

imnotsickbutimnotwell · 25/02/2023 18:24

This is coercion I’m sorry op. He is a sex pest. Hopefully you can get some advice how to deal with this.

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