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Original poster

DH and sex expectancy

101 replies

XMissPlacedX · 25/02/2023 17:34

DH is a kind man, shares the housework and childcare 50/50 and we have a good marriage. There is just one issue that's causing quite a bit of an atmosphere.

He would have sex everyday if I would , but expects it about 3/4 times a week. If he doesn't get it he goes a little bit quiet as though he is sulking but says he isn't. The reason he says he goes quiet is because he doesn't feel close to me if we don't have it. He says he needs to cum once a day or he feels stressed ( so has a wank).

He has constantly got me on a promise, for instance on a Monday he will say " fancy a cuddle tonight' ( meaning sex), if I say no he says " ok what about tomorrow then ?", leaving me to feel pressured to 'give in' the next day. If I keep saying no he goes quieter and quieter until I finally give in.

He also has to work it around his drinking. He drinks quite a bit of wine which means he can't always keep an erection , so the conversation goes " if I don't drink tonight , can we have a cuddle "? If I say yes and don't fancy it later on he will sulk because he 'put off' having a drink.

It's like a vicious cycle and no I've got to the point where I just never want it as i always feel pressured or it feels planned.

I got home today about 4pm from a night away and the first thing he said was " fancy a cuddle "?, I said no as ive just got back and am tired , his response was ' but I want a glass of wine '... I feel like I have to accommodate his drinking by having sex around it.

Well done if you've managed to read this , I didn't want to drop feed and know it's long. Can anyone help or share any knowledge on how I can discuss my concerns with him and get this to stop , it's putting me off so much.
Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
XMissPlacedX · 26/02/2023 17:12

My needs - I would be happy with once or twice a week. But right now I don't want it at all because all I feel is pressure.

As pp said above, I'm too scared to kiss or cuddle him incase it leads to him asking me for sex, which in turn leads to him sulking when I say no. This has created a vicious cycle of him thinking I don't want / fancy him anymore.

His problem has been made out to be my problem ( in his eyes) and my view has been scewed because I can't work out if I'm in the wrong or him, although everyone on here has helped shed some light on the situation.

I don't think it's normal to have to cum everyday to cope with the pressure of everyone life, let alone drink so much that it causes erectile disfunction.

When we haven't had sex for a while he makes out there's something wrong with our relationship and wants to talk about it as though it's something I need to sort out.

OP posts:
Felicity42 · 26/02/2023 17:24

How much is he drinking?

He's using sex to manage his feelings and you are just a receptacle in that process.

Ask for a trial separation because both of you need to break this cycle.

pointythings · 26/02/2023 17:26

It isn't about needing to have an orgasm because he can do that by himself. It's the alcohol that is the huge issue here - he's using it as a stick to beat you with by saying that if you don't have sex with him, he will drink excessively.

If you think he is dependent on alcohol that is a whole different can of worms and something you urgently need to address, because functioning alcoholics tend to end up as non-functioning alcoholics and dragging their family down the slope with them. How does he react when you raise his alcohol use as a problem? Having an alcoholic for a parent is immensely damaging to children - I am speaking from experience, I should have left way earlier and done more to protect my DC from my late husband.

Lavenderflower · 26/02/2023 17:27

It sounds like he has underlying issues - it is unusual for someone to say they can only feel close you if you have sex. Additionally, he has to masturbate to de-stress himself. He may have issues with alcohol.

monsteramunch · 26/02/2023 17:35

You believe he is an alcoholic.

Everything else aside, it's worth doing some reading about the effects on children of growing up in a home with an alcoholic parent.

Youabsoluteblinder · 26/02/2023 17:41

@XMissPlacedX - I wrote a post recently, part of which is exactly what you've written. My DH behaves the same when it comes to sex. I love him but it's so tiring that I don't know what to do in response so, unfortunately I don't have an answer but I know how you're feeling.

FfoxRedN · 26/02/2023 17:43

There is nothing less attractive than a man pestering you for sex.

This! I recommend you spell this out to him.

LaughingCat · 26/02/2023 17:44

XMissPlacedX · 26/02/2023 17:12

My needs - I would be happy with once or twice a week. But right now I don't want it at all because all I feel is pressure.

As pp said above, I'm too scared to kiss or cuddle him incase it leads to him asking me for sex, which in turn leads to him sulking when I say no. This has created a vicious cycle of him thinking I don't want / fancy him anymore.

His problem has been made out to be my problem ( in his eyes) and my view has been scewed because I can't work out if I'm in the wrong or him, although everyone on here has helped shed some light on the situation.

I don't think it's normal to have to cum everyday to cope with the pressure of everyone life, let alone drink so much that it causes erectile disfunction.

When we haven't had sex for a while he makes out there's something wrong with our relationship and wants to talk about it as though it's something I need to sort out.

Never met a guy who didn’t have a wank or two a day…that is perfectly normal. Most don’t bother telling you about it (and it just goes down the plughole while they’re having a shower.

Putting the drinking aside (because it’s not the issue you’re concerned about right now), that sense of pressure is a total moodkiller. It’s horrible, like if it wasn’t there you might initiate but that weight of expectation crushes any enjoyment…you’l do anything to avoid it. Then you mentally link not wanting sex with that person, because your stress levels rise every time you do think about it.

It sucks. The only thing I can think of is the one already mentioned, which is joint sex therapy.

However, screwing up the courage to broach the idea with them…it would mean accepting and verbalising that there is an issue between you. That’s scary. Mostly because you both try to avoid highlighting it as much as possible.

It’s the only way to address it though.

Tuilpmouse · 26/02/2023 18:11

Lavenderflower · 26/02/2023 17:27

It sounds like he has underlying issues - it is unusual for someone to say they can only feel close you if you have sex. Additionally, he has to masturbate to de-stress himself. He may have issues with alcohol.

I didn't realise masturbating to de-stress was a sign of having issues?

Besides, the issue here isn't that he's masturbating, it's that he aggrieved that he can't get all his desires for gratification met by his wife.

Even a man with a high sex appetite should be able to be satisfied enough with having sex with his wife once or twice a week... Sure, he may ideally want more, but it's not like he can't masturbate, and is still getting pretty frequent actual sex.

daydreaming4 · 26/02/2023 18:50

Hi there, it's very worrying that you describe giving in to your husband. Sorry to Mr Sulk but sex is not just about one half of a couple's needs it's about both people actually wanting to have sex when they have it. Pre booking it with you as he will drink if he gets a no. Don't have sex unless you actually want to have it, it's not your duty to do this and fully explore what your fear is if you don't keep him happy is it your relationship will end or is it he would have an affair. See the silence for what it really is. I cannot advise anyone what to do but if this was me I would be saying to him take your sulk and your hand to the bathroom and sort your stress and while your there do some reading about how women actually work.

WalkingThroughTreacle · 26/02/2023 18:53

So he's an alcoholic sex pest and you think overall you have a good marriage? You need to raise your bar as to what constitutes a good marriage.

AltitudeCheck · 26/02/2023 18:57

When he comes home from work I'd hand him a glass of wine before the words 'fancy a cuddle' have chance to pass his lips!

Pestering for sex is a complete passion killer. Buy him a copy of 'Come as you are' and explain that nothing puts the brakes on faster than feeling under pressure & being pestered.

ChaliceinWonderland · 26/02/2023 19:14

Oh My Fucking god, I'm sorry for you and please change your situation asap. Another thread on the same topic, why are husbands so gross?

A sex pest AND alcoholic, you deserve much better and please dont think this is normal. Any woman with higher standards would be out of there fast.

He is NOT a good man you are being cooerced IN YOUR OWN HOME

WentForAWalk · 26/02/2023 19:15

I couldn't bring myself to ever have sex with a sex pest.

Are you in a position to leave ?

KateADM · 26/02/2023 19:19

It sounds like he has substance addictions...sex and alcohol. I feel quite bad for you living like this.

AgnestaVipers · 26/02/2023 19:24

Never met a guy who didn’t have a wank or two a day…that is perfectly normal. Most don’t bother telling you about it (and it just goes down the plughole while they’re having a shower.

Once again I thank god I won the sexuality lottery and turned out lesbian.

Nocutenamesleft · 26/02/2023 19:38

God. I'd leave. Without a doubt.

I couldn't hack that!

userxx · 26/02/2023 19:42

@AgnestaVipers 🤣🤣 Come and have a look at what you could have won
👊💦

Crikeyalmighty · 26/02/2023 19:42

@XMissPlacedX I divorced my ex H the minute he started keeping a calendar on 'last time he had sex etc' - I actually dreaded going to bed with him as he seemed to feel it was a total entitlement several nights a week- even if he'd been out to the pub or the football etc and left me babysitting on my own multiple nights a week , every week

AgnestaVipers · 26/02/2023 19:49

userxx · 26/02/2023 19:42

@AgnestaVipers 🤣🤣 Come and have a look at what you could have won
👊💦

❌

Jacqueline1985 · 26/02/2023 23:20

This used to happen to me. Exactly as you’ve described. Even with the alcoholic issues. My heart used to drop when the words were spoken, shall we have an early night/lets go up stairs for a cuddle or even can we have sex tonight, its been X weeks since…. I used to get pissed to either get through it or to disappear off and accidentally fall asleep drunk. Woke up once to him having an absolute bad one, shouting and being an arse as id gone sleep and he was hoping to get his end away! Im sure the neighbours must have heard. I just flat out refused after that. It just gave me the ick. I recognise when you say any slight bit of affection he thinks his lucks in. Makes me sad really as i am a huggy person but i just cant be like that or hes like an excited puppy with groping hands everywhere 🙁

HPIEX · 16/11/2023 20:39

.

dreammattemousse · 16/11/2023 20:42

You do know this is sexual abuse right?

3crazyboys · 19/11/2023 22:30

did your situation get any better ? Just wondering what u decided to do in the end , as I’m in a similar situation

CubaLibre23 · 20/11/2023 12:09

An alcohol dependent sex pest, what fun.