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Original poster

DH and sex expectancy

101 replies

XMissPlacedX · 25/02/2023 17:34

DH is a kind man, shares the housework and childcare 50/50 and we have a good marriage. There is just one issue that's causing quite a bit of an atmosphere.

He would have sex everyday if I would , but expects it about 3/4 times a week. If he doesn't get it he goes a little bit quiet as though he is sulking but says he isn't. The reason he says he goes quiet is because he doesn't feel close to me if we don't have it. He says he needs to cum once a day or he feels stressed ( so has a wank).

He has constantly got me on a promise, for instance on a Monday he will say " fancy a cuddle tonight' ( meaning sex), if I say no he says " ok what about tomorrow then ?", leaving me to feel pressured to 'give in' the next day. If I keep saying no he goes quieter and quieter until I finally give in.

He also has to work it around his drinking. He drinks quite a bit of wine which means he can't always keep an erection , so the conversation goes " if I don't drink tonight , can we have a cuddle "? If I say yes and don't fancy it later on he will sulk because he 'put off' having a drink.

It's like a vicious cycle and no I've got to the point where I just never want it as i always feel pressured or it feels planned.

I got home today about 4pm from a night away and the first thing he said was " fancy a cuddle "?, I said no as ive just got back and am tired , his response was ' but I want a glass of wine '... I feel like I have to accommodate his drinking by having sex around it.

Well done if you've managed to read this , I didn't want to drop feed and know it's long. Can anyone help or share any knowledge on how I can discuss my concerns with him and get this to stop , it's putting me off so much.
Thanks

OP posts:
Scandimama · 25/02/2023 18:27

In the kindest possible way, sounds like your DH may have a drinking problem, and a bit of an addictive personality. I say that because my DH used to be a bit similar. Had a drinking problem for real and quit a year ago, but he eas also wanting sex alt more back then, seemed to go along w his need to drink, another compulsion. Never pestered me as such, just tried to get me in the mood a bit more often than I wanted and could be annoyed if I turned him down. Since he quit drinking he has become much more relaxed around sex too, in a good way.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/02/2023 18:27

Ugh, he is fucking awful. I think he's ground you down so much you don't realise how horrible he really is. He sounds like an absolute creep.

hattie43 · 25/02/2023 18:27

Hideous . The constant badgering for sex is intolerable as if nothing else matters than getting his leg over.
Wouldn't be someone I'd be with , sex should be spontaneous not something you feel under pressure to deliver .

Emmamoo89 · 25/02/2023 18:28

LTB

Sisisimone · 25/02/2023 18:31

How can you even begin to think you have a good marriage if he is bullying you for sex every day? Do you want this to be your life for the next 5, 10, 20 years? He sounds awful and I just couldn't live like that

Shapemyeyebrows · 25/02/2023 18:31

@XMissPlacedX I think you have two big problems here. The alcohol issue would be putting me off him never mind the pestering for sex.

Badger1970 · 25/02/2023 18:36

I'm amazed you're having sex at all with him .... it's made me feel quite queasy reading this.

Seriously, OP, I don't think you're seeing how really grim this is...

Bingoflings · 25/02/2023 19:10

The drinking sounds unhealthy and then expecting you to be ready when he wants it. It sounds like you're on call to satisfy his needs. I hope you tell him to fuck off.

Botw1 · 25/02/2023 19:11

That is not normal behaviour op.

Not the sex pestering or the drinking.

Would he agree to counselling?

Why do you pander to the 'quietness/sulking' ignore him

Him asking for a cuddle when he means sex would make my vag instantly dry up.

SheilaFentiman · 25/02/2023 19:18

Here’s an idea, he doesn’t drink for a fortnight and then you can have sex IF you feel like it in that time.

Johnisafckface · 25/02/2023 19:37

I guess this would be okay if you wanted to have sex without any hint of intimacy every day. To me he’s vile. And I would less likely to want to have sec with someone who expected it every day and did nothing to get me in the mood to do it. I would feel like a vessel for him to use to relieve himself. Nasty. 🤢

Led9519 · 25/02/2023 19:41

Why don’t you talk to him and say it’s too much for you and could you compromise and meet in the middle at say twice a week? Then remind him not to sulk about it or it will really put you off even that!

Have you told him not to plan his drinking around it or that you’ve noticed he sulks? He might get defensive but at least he’ll be more aware of it.

IwasToldThereWouldBeCake · 25/02/2023 20:02

Sexpest or alcohol induced impotence...... Are the two option endocrine high as a fix for a hangover or urge to drink or to drink to oblivion?

Neither option caters for your desires. Put yourself first.

IwasToldThereWouldBeCake · 25/02/2023 20:03

Endocrine high = hangover/addiction cure V. give in to addictive tendencies.

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 25/02/2023 20:05

How does it go when it’s the other way round and you’re the one who initiates sex ?

TryingHard1990 · 25/02/2023 20:06

My vagina sealed over at the fancy a cuddle bit….

was also with a sex pest and it use to leave me feeling gross!

thegirlyupnorth · 25/02/2023 20:11

Tell him to drink and wank when he wants and when You Want sex if he can't get an erection because he's too pissed you'll sulk!

MumOf2workOptions · 25/02/2023 20:18

Badger1970 · 25/02/2023 18:36

I'm amazed you're having sex at all with him .... it's made me feel quite queasy reading this.

Seriously, OP, I don't think you're seeing how really grim this is...

I'm with Badger it's revolting
If your prepared to live with a functioning alcoholic then fine - if you want better then leave

Bunnyishotandcross · 25/02/2023 20:20

An alcoholic sex pest.
What a catch.

Nelly10 · 25/02/2023 20:22

Botw1 · 25/02/2023 19:11

That is not normal behaviour op.

Not the sex pestering or the drinking.

Would he agree to counselling?

Why do you pander to the 'quietness/sulking' ignore him

Him asking for a cuddle when he means sex would make my vag instantly dry up.

The last sentences made me howl!

but oh so true 😂

GirlAnachro · 25/02/2023 20:23

Urgh, I was with one like this. It crept in after a couple of years and he’d try to turn literally any ‘intimacy’ ie nice fudle laid out on the sofa, hungover watching a movie, his hands would inevitably move down.. cuddles in bed? Kiss in the kitchen? I started to avoid literally any tactile affection he might potentially see as the chequered flag for “she must be up for it!! Fire on all cylinders!!”Hmm I just ended up replulsed by him honestly. Oh and he’d sulk if he didn’t get it. a double whammy of my vagina making the windows shutdown noise gross.

It took me too long to leave OP, don’t be me.

HighlandCowbag · 25/02/2023 20:23

That's fucking vile and coercive behaviour.

GirlAnachro · 25/02/2023 20:24

Nice *cuddle on the sofa that should say!

gettingalifttothestation · 25/02/2023 20:29

Omg how off putting this must be. Tell him to stop being a sex pest and leave you alone. This is not being a good husband

Atethehalloweenchocs · 25/02/2023 21:04

Eww - my vagina slammed shut in sympathy just reading this. I think you should try to go to couples counselling, I dont see this conversation going well without a mediator.