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Original poster

DH and sex expectancy

101 replies

XMissPlacedX · 25/02/2023 17:34

DH is a kind man, shares the housework and childcare 50/50 and we have a good marriage. There is just one issue that's causing quite a bit of an atmosphere.

He would have sex everyday if I would , but expects it about 3/4 times a week. If he doesn't get it he goes a little bit quiet as though he is sulking but says he isn't. The reason he says he goes quiet is because he doesn't feel close to me if we don't have it. He says he needs to cum once a day or he feels stressed ( so has a wank).

He has constantly got me on a promise, for instance on a Monday he will say " fancy a cuddle tonight' ( meaning sex), if I say no he says " ok what about tomorrow then ?", leaving me to feel pressured to 'give in' the next day. If I keep saying no he goes quieter and quieter until I finally give in.

He also has to work it around his drinking. He drinks quite a bit of wine which means he can't always keep an erection , so the conversation goes " if I don't drink tonight , can we have a cuddle "? If I say yes and don't fancy it later on he will sulk because he 'put off' having a drink.

It's like a vicious cycle and no I've got to the point where I just never want it as i always feel pressured or it feels planned.

I got home today about 4pm from a night away and the first thing he said was " fancy a cuddle "?, I said no as ive just got back and am tired , his response was ' but I want a glass of wine '... I feel like I have to accommodate his drinking by having sex around it.

Well done if you've managed to read this , I didn't want to drop feed and know it's long. Can anyone help or share any knowledge on how I can discuss my concerns with him and get this to stop , it's putting me off so much.
Thanks

OP posts:
Hawkins003 · 25/02/2023 21:11

Seems you need a new partner op

userxx · 25/02/2023 21:15

My nether regions clenched together reading that. No way could I live my life that way, absolutely not. I hope you find a solution.

Jackofallsorts · 25/02/2023 21:18

Sex aside, he's very much dependent on wine.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/02/2023 21:20

So much cringe at the cuddle thing.

And the drinking thing is way worse than you seem to think.

Undermyumberellaellaella · 25/02/2023 21:29

Oh fucking hell! Pack your bags and tell him to go and cuddle someone else🤢

StClare101 · 25/02/2023 21:33

He sounds absolutely foul. It gave me the ick just reading it. Blergh.

Successgirl2022 · 25/02/2023 21:38

How often do you feel like feeling in the mood for sex?

He has a high sex drive. You have either average (once a week or every 2 weeks) low (once a month or less) sex drive

People should match sexually for sexual harmony.

For a low-sex-drive woman, he is a sex pest, for a high-sex-drive one he is a perfect match sexually.

His frequent drinking of alcohol would put me off for sure. How often does he drink alcohol?

Successgirl2022 · 25/02/2023 21:41

I am for both spontaneous and planned sex too.

Some people are so busy with their careers and children that if they don't plan a romantic date night (sex if it happens, happens), then it never happens and they never find any time for each other.

ProjectsGalore · 25/02/2023 22:01

Thank fuck I'm single. Nothing makes a woman less turned on than a man coercing her into sex. You need to address this with him op and he needs to radically change his behaviour if he wants your marriage to survive.

DonnyBurrito · 25/02/2023 22:36

I agree the 'fancy a cuddle' thing is gross, like being asked if you fancied a take away or something. Total turn off.

What is it actually like when you do have sex? Is he obviously interested in your enjoyment and you're both in sync with each other, or does it feel mechanical and like it's just to scratch an itch?

If when you do have sex it is deeply passionate and you both feel very connected during it, I can see why he might want that frequently. His approach definitely needs to change, though.

I bet there's an app you can get that updates your partner when you're definitely not in the mood and when you actually are... Some version of that system might help you take back some control and feel less pressured.

Bunnyishotandcross · 25/02/2023 22:50

Chuck him a loo roll and tell him to hug it tight...

CandidClarisse · 26/02/2023 05:15

The "fancy a cuddle" thing as soon as I walked through the door would give me the ick

ItchyBillco · 26/02/2023 07:41

He sounds revolting. Is there anything more off putting than being nagged for a shag, not to mention him calling it a ‘cuddle’. 🤢

YRGAM · 26/02/2023 08:16

It might help if you explain to your husband that men infantilising sex is the unsexiest thing ever, and also that women don't work like men and (most of the time) in a LTR don't want to just have sex at the drop of a hat like men do and need physical affection and loving throughout the day outside of the bedroom too. Lots and lots of men have no idea about these two things

I agree with a PP that this conversation is unlikely to go well without a mediator

Jimboscott0115 · 26/02/2023 08:22

So he's an alcohol dependant sex pest who can't keep it up?

Sounds like a catch!

pilates · 26/02/2023 08:22

What a massive turn-off, how awful 😞

DeadbeatYoda · 26/02/2023 08:28

Oh dear OP, this is a tricky one. Sounds like, at some point ( if it hasn't always been the case) your sex drives have become mismatched and DH doesn't have any understanding of your different needs. Some blokes are just like that. Sadly, the effects on you are intolerable. The chances of you being able to recover from this are very slim. He has got into an unacceptable pattern of coercing you into fulfilling his wants and it would probably create such cognitive dissonance for him to accept what he has been doing is so wrong that he won't get past it even if you could get past the ick it has created.
His lack of understanding and his drinking are probably both symptoms of a deeper problem.
It's just too painful when someone you love and want in your life behaves in a way that damages you. Couple therapy is your only possible way out of this. Good luck.

Whyisitsososohard · 26/02/2023 08:40

I suspect the op hasn't come back because the replies have been something she feels deep down.

The cuddles thing is cringey. But moving past that.. As pp's have said he's a sulky bully.

The drinking thing is also significant. If he's drinking enough to cause erectile issues its an issue and I'd he's just drinking a little and it effects his rection then he's poss git health issues.

I think you need to deal with this through him acknowledging his behaviour is totally unacceptable.

StarsSand · 26/02/2023 08:44

Whyisitsososohard · 26/02/2023 08:40

I suspect the op hasn't come back because the replies have been something she feels deep down.

The cuddles thing is cringey. But moving past that.. As pp's have said he's a sulky bully.

The drinking thing is also significant. If he's drinking enough to cause erectile issues its an issue and I'd he's just drinking a little and it effects his rection then he's poss git health issues.

I think you need to deal with this through him acknowledging his behaviour is totally unacceptable.

I agree with this.

Igniteyourbones · 26/02/2023 09:24

The “booking in” of sex later that evening seems so business like and unexciting to me. Can’t think of a bigger turn off! Tell him to stop booking in sex. Tell him that it needs to be more spontaneous and exciting, that you need to be naturally woo’ed into sex and not clinically booked in for sex.

Original poster
XMissPlacedX · 26/02/2023 09:41

Thanks everyone for your replies, I'll try to answer a few questions that have been asked:

When we got together I wanted it as much as he did, but 6 years and 3 kids later I am just so tired all the time ( I work and go to part time university), his libido however is still the same.

When we do have it he does make sure I enjoy it too.

I think mediation would be a good idea, I have tried to voice my opinions before but he just gets sulky, I think someone else trying to get my point across might help.

Yes I think he is an alcoholic, however it's strange because he can go a few nights without it but does seem to struggle to sleep.

Thanks x

OP posts:
perfectcolourfound · 26/02/2023 15:46

He has an alcohol problem.
He sulks.
He pesters you for sex.

He doesn't sound like a kind man at all.

billy1966 · 26/02/2023 15:59

Jesus Christ, another sex pest, but an alcoholic one, and 3 young children.

Coercive behaviour is a crime.

Your skin must be crawling, because mine is reading about him.

Please call Womens aid for support.

You are so ground down you cannot see how horrific your situation is.

You are not a piece of meat for his enjoyment.

Please reach out for support.

Fireflies23 · 26/02/2023 17:00

Your post says a lot about his needs. What about your needs? What do you like to do? Have you told him that?

Nanny0gg · 26/02/2023 17:12

I'm not really seeing a decent man/husband/father here