Don't know how to handle this

[PearTreeParty]

Relationship has been volatile for years. I've posted under various names over forever.

By anyone's standard, it's bad. DH has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and was slightly drunk and spiteful every night for fifteen years. This manifested as shouting, name calling, sometimes throwing things at me (from hard apples to glasses of water), calling me horrific things in front of DC and generally being vile. A year ago - after a health scare - he cut back on drinking by a lot - and for six months, I got the man back I'd first met. Great.

We are now back at the awful version. Every single day I am told I am useless, the worst mistake he ever made, I repulse him, he hates me, I've ruined the kids by not being hard enough on them (and I have been soft - but I've had to counter his extreme rage) and so on. I listen to this character assassination every day and although I'm desensitized to the words, I am still aware (at some level) that I can't remember what happy feels like and I am also aware that years of being on 'high-alert' have rendered me neurotic and tearful. I hold a creative job down but struggle to function socially. We have no physical relationship anymore. This was withdrawn several years ago as a punishment and I miss sex - but not with him obviously.

I have no family at all. Noone. No parents, siblings, aunts, cousins - nothing like that. I was the only of an only - all deceased. I only have him and DC. I have a few nice friends and I've tested the water and mentioned a couple of things - there is some awareness and kindness but at the end of the day, they have lives to lead and the bottom line - as I realised today for the first time - is that I no one's priority. There is literally nobody who would have me on their radar - as you would a family member - enough to check I am ok, or go out of their way to try and support. So I have to do this alone.

Today DH is being horrendous to me and DC. We are all walking on eggshells around him and are all nervous and miserable. He has screamed in DD's face and shouted and threatened DS (he wouldn't carry out threats - but still vile).

I found a voice in me from somewhere and told him enough. He needs to leave. He laughed in my face and said 'never'.

He said he wants to make my life hell as I've ruined his life. I have nowhere to go - he is higher earner - and DD is about to sit GCSE's so I can't uproot her right now. But I can't stand another minute. I feel sick and like I am about to snap. WHat can I do?

you get a lawyer and you get rid of him.

When he threatens you and throws things at you, have you called the police? www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help#contents

No.

I know what would happen. They would give him a talking to, he would return even more enraged. I would bare the brunt of having been 'disloyal' and involving other people.

That aside, he has no respect for the police. He thinks they are all stupid, woke, plod (his words).

or the police may take him away and remove him from you and you would be safe. what makes you think they won't?

If you speak to the police, WA and anyone else then this can be a gateway to you getting legal aid. If not for yourself, do it for your children.

Please don't let this carry on. Call the police, contact a lawyer, call women's aid. If you won't do it for yourself then do it for your children. Imagine that one of them were asking for your help because they were in your situation, what would you say to them?

I think you need an organization like Women's Aid to help you. your dd will struggle doing GCSE's anyway with that level of stress at home, say before an exam (there's about 20 exams if you take 8 subjects or more). So don't stay to advantage her, or your poor son, you are all being emotionally abused, coerced and you physically. Do get advice and support on how to get out.

You say he won't carry out the threats, but he's already violent, what's to stop him going a step further? It would be useful to at least have the abuse on record for future reference. Perhaps you could start off with a hotline and enquire about how to keep the three of you safe during the process? There's support available for people fleeing abuse; you wouldn't be left entirely to your own devices financially.

Take a small step by calling Women’s Aid and maybe see a solicitor to at least understand your options . Try and set yourself a plan of how you would like life to look , say in six months or a year or whatever feels comfortable . And plot the steps one by one .
leaving is vvv hard , be kind to yourself .

Gcses can be retaken

There are rental properties benefits refuges probably within distance of the school

Just what the hell makes you think that living like this will help your daughter do well in her exams fucking leave

I also can't see how being screamed at is going to be a better background to your dd's GCSE's than e.g. a new home, or being in your home without him thanks to a court order - for instance.

Your children are being actively harmed every single day. Please don't use GCSEs as an excuse not to act. You all deserve better than living with this horrible, violent man.

Yes - noted about DD exams. that was one of the things that triggered me finally. The realisation that the knock on effect on her could be so significant and he gives zero fucks. I know that it's an unhealthy and toxic environment. I KNOW.

I have been asking myself for a while why I am finding it so hard to leave. There are lots of things - the home we are in is my childhood home - my DDad left it to me and he was my favourite person and the house sort of is my last manifestation of him - so that's a bit of it. It's also not having a single 'adult' in my life to support me. No mum or sister to cry to, or help me pack a box up - it's just a really lonely and really hard path ahead and I am so very tired.

I don't care about having less money. I don't care about 'things', I don't care about cars and holidays, I am not staying for a 'lifestyle'. I can't really explain it. I feel worn down to the point where I can barely make a cup of tea - how can I find the gumption to take him on??

why are you assuming you need to pack up and leave?

So it's your family home? Do you have a mortgage on it? Have you looked at the Entitled To website?

Because he won't. And I can't force him.

Speaking as someone who grew up with an angry and emotionally abusive parent (towards us the children and to my Dad, her husband). I beg you to please leave as soon as you are able to. I still have deep emotional scars from my childhood/teens now that I am in my forties. It has affected my self confidence and my ability to form adult relationships. The longer you stay, the more likely this long-term damage will be inflicted on the children and yourself. As a child you have no option to escape the abuse, so you need the other parent to do it for you (mine didn’t, he is still married to her). You have the option (I know extremely hard) to walk away for yourself and your children. As someone else said - your child can resist their GCSEs next year if needed. All of your safety and well-being is more important than exams. Call Womens Aid ASAP for advice, book an initial appointment with a solicitor and please think about reporting him to the police.

Call the police, get a Non Molestation Order and look into an Occupation Order.

NCDV or DV Assist can help.

well he can't force you to leave? There is no logic - so you are saying he won't leave but he will kick you out of your family home?

Please call WA and a lawyer - you do have choices here but you are going to have to take action.

Because he won't. And I can't force him.

An Occupation Oder can though.

Legally equal shares in the home I think - due to being married. If I DARED to actually leave him, he would force me to sell it. Even if I could somehow buy him out. Just to spite me because he knows the sentiment attached to it.

No mortgage.

No, he won't kick me out. He would be happy to carry on being disgusting to me every day. He likes having an outlet for his rage.

Then you sell OP - you need legal advice and some proper orders and potentially the police

i know it is hard but your children need you to fight for them

What you do is take yourself out of the house, sit down in a cafe somewhere with a coffee and a notepad and start making a plan to change your life. All of the things you mentioned that are holding you back are not insurmountable. First on your list should be to make an appointment with a lawyer to understand your options. You may find that you can stay in the family home. And your daughter has her whole life to sit exams. And you're not alone. There are organisations out there ready to help you, if you just ask. Get yourself and your kids out of this horrific life and start looking forward to a happy and peaceful one, just your kids and you. Good luck - you can do this!

Finding it hard to leave is so common when you've been worn down like that for so many years. And it sounds like you are depressed (no wonder)? Have you spoken to your GP? Medication is not the long-term answer to your issue, but it can be useful as a means of functioning and taking action in a highly stressful situation.

I'm divorced, living in another country to my parents. My children have grown up and left home, and looking back I realise how much of the strength I had at the time of the divorce was because of them being there. I was the adult and looked after them, but at the same time they were a source of happiness; they are kind and thoughtful. If I had just been looking after myself, I'd have felt lonelier and less motivated. If you wait until your children have left home to end it with this man, you may find you have less strength to do so, if anything. And your children would not thank you for waiting. They will be old enough one day (soon, presumably) to realise that it didn't have to go on that long.

Is your home in your name alone?

You need to get properly informed, OP. You can't make a decent decision without knowing what options there are and what he could and could not do.