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Original poster

To just wish DP could be nicer when I'm Ill ?

115 replies

Rainbowsundae · 25/02/2023 12:08

Five month old baby. I am primary carer as DP works during the week , ( he doesn't work weekends).

I'm lucky in that I'm normally quite healthy so don't get ill often, but the last few days I have felt like a Trainwreck.

Feel utterly exhausted, faint, nauseous, heart palpitations, high temperature etc , complete loss of appetite ( no possibility of pregnancy as on the combined pill and haven't missed any, plus had normal "period" in pill free week last week).

I had a PPH after birth and was diagnosed with low iron levels and given iron pills to take for 3 months post-partum. I strongly suspect I have iron deficiency anaemia/ B12' deficiency; and will ring the GP asap on Monday to organise blood tests/ medication.

But I've said to DP I'm feeling faint/ shaky/ exhausted/ nauseous etc. I've begged him to just look after our baby today to give me a bit of a break. He actually lives spending time with our daughter so this isn't a problem for him in itself,

but he keeps snapping "why should I facilitate you lying around in bed on your phone!?" ( first time I've ever asked this.

"I'm so jealous, your exes got you when you when you were young and healthy, cos I found you when you were older I have to put up with you getting I'll( I'm 30, he's 29).

"admit it you are just saying your Ill so you can lie around in bed."

and he's annoyed that me getting Ill has coincided with a visit to a friend a few days ago where I took my daughter to visit a female friend in another town for her birthday and stayed the night, "urgh typical , you've gone to see xxx and come back sick , that's why I'm not sympathetic. '

He has his good points but I just wish he was a bit well, more sympathetic when I was sick instead of bitching and moaning ?!

OP posts:
DumpedinKilburn · 26/02/2023 19:22

He sounds a low grade person. Do you think you're a good match?

If you do, then accept that you will never get anything other than a grunt from a pig and come to terms with the fact that's your level.

If you think, you deserve better than this than walk away. Sharpish.

philautia · 26/02/2023 19:29

You know who someone is by the way they treat you when you're poorly.

When I'm ill (hardly ever, the same as you) I get forced to bed, ran a bath, food brought up to me and he makes trips to pharmacies to get whatever medicine I need.

He wouldn't expect me to take care of our children. If he's working and I'm poorly, he takes them to his Mum's, who is happy to help.

That is the basic level of what you should expect in a partnership. I would do the same for him.

Johnduttonsbuttocks · 26/02/2023 19:35

He doesn't love you. I hope you can find the strength to leave him.

Tree543 · 26/02/2023 19:36

Rainbowsundae · 26/02/2023 19:00

well apart from anything else I was 27 when we got together, which I don't think is that old !

But a frequent bugbear of his is "men getting to enjoy you when you were younger, it eats away at me, that they had your best years..."

We've had similar when we went to my uncle's house and there was an old photo of me and a cousin when I was about 19 on the wall. He kept commenting "urgh so jealous of the men who had you when you were young and so thin!" ( for context , at 19 I could eat like a horse and get away with it so was probably a size 8 in the picture, I have been 12-14 ish throughout our relationship."

The question is whether he'll realise this is all icky and innapropriate, as it's said in a semi jokey way ...who knows...

In other news, my family think it's possible that it is an overactive thyroid making me Ill as there is family history of thyroid issues so I will speak to the GP about this.

Show quote history

That is so creepy and vile. How is he going to speak about you when you are 40 or 60? You deserve better than this.

AlmostaMamma · 26/02/2023 19:46

Rainbowsundae · 26/02/2023 19:00

well apart from anything else I was 27 when we got together, which I don't think is that old !

But a frequent bugbear of his is "men getting to enjoy you when you were younger, it eats away at me, that they had your best years..."

We've had similar when we went to my uncle's house and there was an old photo of me and a cousin when I was about 19 on the wall. He kept commenting "urgh so jealous of the men who had you when you were young and so thin!" ( for context , at 19 I could eat like a horse and get away with it so was probably a size 8 in the picture, I have been 12-14 ish throughout our relationship."

The question is whether he'll realise this is all icky and innapropriate, as it's said in a semi jokey way ...who knows...

In other news, my family think it's possible that it is an overactive thyroid making me Ill as there is family history of thyroid issues so I will speak to the GP about this.

Show quote history

This is some of the most disgusting grotesque misogyny I have read on here - and I’ve read some vile stuff.

How are you with this man?! And you had a kid with him? Honestly, how are you tolerating this?

CatchHimDerry · 26/02/2023 19:50

OP, this won’t get better

Ive known one like this in my time, they never change and you deserve so much better

To use a mumsnet fave, as others have rightly said, LTB

amonsteronthehill · 26/02/2023 19:53

He sounds like a giant, spiteful asshole.

I find it difficult to believe that someone who talks to you like that has any redeeming qualities.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/02/2023 20:13

You're wasting your time responding ladies. Read the ops post of just over an hour ago. She ain't listening.

Dery · 26/02/2023 20:32

“You don't have to answer OP, obviously, but did you have an abusive childhood or other abusive relationships?

Because he's vile. And his behaviour is so far from acceptable that you should be outraged and packing. The fact that you aren't means your radar is faulty. This isn't 'just' about you being sick. He's saying unforgivable things to the mother of his child who he supposedly loves.”

Absolutely this.

Original poster
Rainbowsundae · 26/02/2023 20:36

I do know it's not acceptable but packing and leaving immediately with a five month old baby when I'm on maternity leave and feeling really ill isn't an option.
I'm hoping to arrange some blood tests with the GP and then make proper plans/ evaluate things when I'm feeling less unwell

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainbowsundae · 26/02/2023 20:40

And yes I've told him his attitude to sex with my younger self disgusts me. It is a big issue to me.
I have a younger friend who has got married very young ( 20), and he's regularly saying "good on X's husband for getting her when she's young and fresh, before a load of ransoms have a go " ( the husband is 21, so also young ).

OP posts:
Haffiana · 26/02/2023 20:44

How can you possibly want to have sex with this man? Share your life with him? Allow him to influence your child in any way?

What happened to you growing up that has made you feel so worthless that you put up with this?

Please keep talking to us OP. Sometimes you need to hear that what you consider normal is not at all acceptable to most other women.

TheBirdintheCave · 26/02/2023 21:07

orangetriangle · 26/02/2023 19:06

he appears completely lacking in empathy Is he neurodiverse

My husband and I are both neurodiverse (ASD and ADHD). I do struggle with empathy and can be a bit cold sometimes but I would do anything for my husband, especially if he was unwell. Husband is the opposite and can be too empathetic at times. There is no way either of us would treat the other like the OPs husband is doing. The things he is saying are just cruel.

AlmostaMamma · 26/02/2023 21:38

Rainbowsundae · 26/02/2023 20:40

And yes I've told him his attitude to sex with my younger self disgusts me. It is a big issue to me.
I have a younger friend who has got married very young ( 20), and he's regularly saying "good on X's husband for getting her when she's young and fresh, before a load of ransoms have a go " ( the husband is 21, so also young ).

How are you with him in the first place? Did he never say these disgusting rapey misogynistic things to you before you got pregnant? They surely can’t be a surprise?

What’s your living and financial situation? Do you own or rent? In whose name? Because, ideally, he’d be the one to fuck off.

AlmostaMamma · 26/02/2023 21:39

This man definitely watches underaged porn. These comments are borderline paedophilic.

CandidClarisse · 26/02/2023 21:39

OP the more you say the more he sounds like a right twat.

All this "he's missed your best years" is absolute bullshit! You are 30 not 80 ffs

Dragonsandcats · 26/02/2023 21:43

He sounds really grim and creepy. Those comments are awful, who thinks like that?

Crikeyalmighty · 26/02/2023 21:45

He sounds an absolute 'see you next Tuesday '

OhcantthInkofaname · 26/02/2023 21:49

30 is old and sickly?

Remaker · 26/02/2023 21:53

I think it’s quite common that women are expected to just get on with looking after kids even when they’re sick. Because men have important jobs that can’t possibly be compromised. It’s certainly a discussion that was had in my household when the kids were young.

But fuck me, the nasty comments? Completely out of order. That’s not how you speak to your partner. I couldn’t cope with being spoken to like that.

Original poster
Rainbowsundae · 26/02/2023 21:57

AlmostaMamma · 26/02/2023 21:39

This man definitely watches underaged porn. These comments are borderline paedophilic.

Just to clarify, whilst it is grim , he is meaning 20-25. Obviously I have a lot of thinking to do in the relationship, but I would not stay even one night in someone who was interested in child abuse images. There's no indication whatsoever he's interested in children ( sexist and misogynistic towards adult women , yes, which bothers me deeply).

OP posts:
Needanewnamebeingwatched · 26/02/2023 22:00

Why are you even with this misogynistic dickhead.

When your ready make plans to split, he will only get worse.

Next he will be having an affair with young fresh meat, and blaming you for getting old.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/02/2023 22:01

You're right he's sexist and misogynist.

And unless I'm mistaken, you're a woman. Which means he basically hates you and thinks you're lesser, all of which he's demonstrating.

I know it's hard to leave. But my goodness I couldn't stay if I was you.

PonyPatter44 · 26/02/2023 22:08

What was he like before you got pregnant? Was it just a few "laddish " comments when you first got together, and its ramped up since you had the baby?

Goodread1 · 26/02/2023 22:11

I strongly suspect he definitely the type to be into Adult porn ,

I wouldn't be susprised the way he thinks sooner or later, he will given half the chance opportunity trade you in for a younger model,
Who is from a troubled messed up background , so more likely vunerable, Needy for any type of mere crumbs of sham relantship, affection from someone like this,

Walk away, his attitude is a worrying immature man child with 70s sexist type attitudes like Bernard Manning so called comedian type working mens clubs,

His attitudes should be consigned to history
Rember him?
Your parents and some of posters here of that Generation will know what I am on about it,
He was courted by met Police for their annual Christmas time dinner suit black tie events every year.

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