To just wish DP could be nicer when I'm Ill ?

[Rainbowsundae]

Five month old baby. I am primary carer as DP works during the week , ( he doesn't work weekends).

I'm lucky in that I'm normally quite healthy so don't get ill often, but the last few days I have felt like a Trainwreck.

Feel utterly exhausted, faint, nauseous, heart palpitations, high temperature etc , complete loss of appetite ( no possibility of pregnancy as on the combined pill and haven't missed any, plus had normal "period" in pill free week last week).

I had a PPH after birth and was diagnosed with low iron levels and given iron pills to take for 3 months post-partum. I strongly suspect I have iron deficiency anaemia/ B12' deficiency; and will ring the GP asap on Monday to organise blood tests/ medication.

But I've said to DP I'm feeling faint/ shaky/ exhausted/ nauseous etc. I've begged him to just look after our baby today to give me a bit of a break. He actually lives spending time with our daughter so this isn't a problem for him in itself,

but he keeps snapping "why should I facilitate you lying around in bed on your phone!?" ( first time I've ever asked this.

"I'm so jealous, your exes got you when you when you were young and healthy, cos I found you when you were older I have to put up with you getting I'll( I'm 30, he's 29).

"admit it you are just saying your Ill so you can lie around in bed."

and he's annoyed that me getting Ill has coincided with a visit to a friend a few days ago where I took my daughter to visit a female friend in another town for her birthday and stayed the night, "urgh typical , you've gone to see xxx and come back sick , that's why I'm not sympathetic. '

He has his good points but I just wish he was a bit well, more sympathetic when I was sick instead of bitching and moaning ?!

Do you usually look after him when he’s poorly?

Have you tried saying to him “the next time you are sick I will behave towards you exactly as you are behaving towards me today”

And mean it!

Is this for real?! He sounds like he despises you!

He sounds like a complete shit. He's supposed to love you more than anything else. It doesn't sound like he even likes you... LTB.

Imagine him saying this to his daughter. Because if he's so disrespectful to his wife, he'll be disrespectful to her too.

He has no good point op, he is nasty and abusive yo speak to you this way and the things he has said are sexist, ageist, misogynistic BS.

He is verbally punishing you for visiting someone you like and he doesn't, he is trying to control you.

He is only good when you are not an inconvenience to him, like an appliance in the house.

Can you imagine being seriously ill with cancer or something similar, do you think he would stick by you and take care of you?

Why would you invest in this relationship, he doesn't care about you at all, you can't rely on him long term to be decent.

Imo the true depths of a relationship are shown during illness and the bad times..
Get rid op. He is a twat.

Let me guess ...when he's ill he takes to his bed and you wait on him hand and foot and are carrying on your child care duties as normal ?

OP...this man is a massive prick . He has zero respect for you and thinks your place is at home and being responsible for the house and childcare . It says a lot that he was in a mood because you've gone to see your friend . Does he usually make a noise about you going out / seeing friends ? If my DH wished an STI on one of my friends then he'd be out the door .

Domestic abuse often starts or ramps up when you are vulnerable in some way, for instance pregnant or with a small baby. It seems pretty clear that he only tolerates you when you are useful to him, you are not so much a person as an appliance that improves his life by doing the housekeeping and looking after his child. When you stop working and stop making his life easier he is (justifiably in his mind) angry with you, in the same way that he would be if the car refused to start in the morning or the printer refuses to work half-way through printing an urgent document.

If you're not married and you don't work then you'll be totally fucked if he upgrades you to a more 'useful to him' version. So I would start thinking now about ways to become independent of him. I'd start with trying to get your health sorted out so that you have the energy to think about your career.

He has his good points

OMG girl, raise your standards. You only think this because he gave you your adored baby. Leave him before he grinds anymore of your personality out of you.

I had a PPH after birth and was diagnosed with low iron levels and given iron pills to take for 3 months post-partum. I strongly suspect I have iron deficiency anaemia/ B12' deficiency; and will ring the GP asap on Monday to organise blood tests/ medication

It can take a long time to restore iron levels. I know they give you high dose tablets but I think our digestive systems find it difficult to absorb so much iron at the same time. Depending on your blood levels, I would ask to be given iron and B12 intravenously. They most likely won't like the request as it costs more but it's worth a try.

Also, ALWAYS ask for a print out of your blood results. The receptionists at my GP always try to dodge doing this by telling me that the GP would call me if the results were abnormal, but don't listen to them. Insist you get a print out of those results - you are entitled to them and it might be handy if you want to go private. GPs won't always tell you if you're borderline anaemic so always for them.

Oh crikey op. What on earth has happened in your life that you've just typed that out as if his behaviour is a minor irritation? This is awful. He is vile, vile, vile. Please divorce him today op. This is batshit.

Genuinely: what would happen to you and your baby if you were in a serious accident or had an illness that meant you were unwell for months or years such as cancer with gruelling treatment?

Not one of his good points counters him being such a dick now !

Well he sounds like a nasty prick and unless he shits money or is in the final stages of releasing a definitive cure for cancer I'm really struggling to imagine what his redeeming features might be?

You're only 30. Do you want to be saddled with this for the next 50-60 years??

He sounds horrific I'm so sorry you found out what a selfish horrible unkind man he is.

Going to post this separately about your twat of a partner -

"I'm so jealous, your exes got you when you when you were young and healthy, cos I found you when you were older I have to put up with you getting I'll( I'm 30, he's 29

He doesn't want to do a fraction more of support for you than he has to. He views you as a malfunctioning household appliance that has had the audacity to malfunctions. What a big inconvenience for him eh?

OP, if this is what he's like now with just a simpler thing like low iron and B12 to sort out, then I can't imagine what he'll be like when you're older.

I'm sorry OP, but if a partner of mine said what he has to me, I would fully expect him to trade me in for a younger model in a few years' time. His attitude and comments say a lot about him and I wouldn't at all be surprised if he feels sorry for himself that he didn't manage to bag a younger woman than you.

Can I ask - why aren't you married?

OP everybody has good points. Everybody.

Having good points isn't a sign of being a good person.

How you treat those around you, especially when they're vulnerable or unwell is a good test (not the only one, but an important one). How you treat your life partner is another. How you treat the mother of your child is another.

Even if this man is lovely to everybody else, all the time, it doesn't matter, because he's vile to you. Vile. And he's being vile about your friend.

Get yourself better. Then have a think about what it means to treat the person you love with love. And what it means to have a child grow up witnessing their mother being shown "love" when she's ill..and probably at other times, because he already has a problem with you being 30, which means his idea of what a woman should be will not improve year on year.

OP.. what's the Chlamydia comment all about? I'm confused by that one! Also, he resents you for getting sick because you're of no use to him sick. He "found you when you were young" what an absolute abomination of a man.

Get well soon love!

What a wanker.

He sounds genuinely horrific.

Do you think you've become used to these unpleasant comments? Because any one of those is a dumping offence. The one about chlamydia is just 😮😮😮

It's hard enough having a new baby. Living with a man who is so hateful towards you must be soul destroying.

The way your husband speaks to you (and about your friend!) is despicable.

He sounds like a nasty piece of work.

This is really not good, is it. I'm so sorry

Would you treat someone you love like this ?

What would you advise a DC, a sibling or anyone really who found themselves in this situation?

What on earth!!! He’s abusive and an absolute arsehole. You wouldn’t treat an enemy like this would you?? Heavens forbid you actually developed some sort of chronic issue! Fucking hell, he’s horrible.

You deserve better than that. I'm sorry he's said those things to you.

I am currently ill with strep throat and my husband is busy making me lunch and will then go out to get me ice cream. He is also looking after our toddler (which I didn't have to ask him to do). That is how a husband should be behaving when his wife is sick and I'd do the same if he were ill as well because that's what you do when you love someone.

He's a dick and you deserve so much better.

As someone said up thread, don't waste the best years of your life with someone who comes out with that twaddle - whether you're Ill or not.

Pack up you and your babies stuff and walk away, I did it, it's hard but I've never regretted it.