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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not slept a wink .. bf out. Is this normal?

36 replies

Ellofranki · 25/02/2023 05:40

Fairly new relationship, around a year. Don't live together.
BF went out to a work party last night. He was messaging me lots before, called me in the taxi on the way out.
I told him not to worry about messaging me and to go have a blast , however when we said goodbye he said he would send me some pictures of the venue and food etc later on. (It's a fancy place).
So basically I then went about my night, went to bed around 11. Wondered why he hadn't sent pics ...
Woke up at 1am, still no message or pics...
I have now been up all night, not slept a wink. Am I crazy?

For content I am anxiously attached due to being cheated on in past. However I genuinely wished him well and to have a good night. But him saying he would send me pics, and then not, has massively triggered my insecurities..

I can't decide if he SHOULD have sent me pics and it's a massive red flag that he didn't. Or that I should be chilled like, he's drinking having fun.. let it go girl.

Help!

OP posts:
RunTowardsTheLight · 25/02/2023 05:52

Chill, he's having fun, you told him not to bother messaging you. No red flags here.

WandaWonder · 25/02/2023 05:55

For the love of all things normal please stop thinking like this, your thinking would be a red flag for me personally male or female (I am a straight female I mean in general)

Don't be clingy it is really a turn-off and not cute or romantic

Zanatdy · 25/02/2023 05:57

Yes chill out, ask him later why he didn’t send any pics but he was probably just enjoying himself. I don’t like to go on my phone when out as it feels rude so he’s probably just been chatting / enjoying himself. Try and get some rest

NewtoHolland · 25/02/2023 05:58

It's the anxious attachment,
Sending a big hug, have you tried cbt or act therapy with it? Might help in the future xx

pineapplepancake · 25/02/2023 06:04

Just a hand hold from me with the anxious attachment, i woke up ridiculously early for a similar reason to you, you're not alone! 💐

Im sure your bf was just having a great night and he'll be in touch before too long. Go and distract yourself, do some cleaning, go for a walk when it's light, that's my plan for this early Saturday morning anyway!

Original poster
Ellofranki · 25/02/2023 06:05

Ok, thank you for rationalizing everyone.
@NewtoHolland appreciate it. I need to try something. I feel horrible, lay in my bed wired on fear and dread. For the last couple of hours I've been feeling like I never want to speak to or hear from him again. That when he messages and calls me today (which he will, he always does) I would ignore him as am so upset he's not messaged.
That's toxic isn't it, on my part. I feel like a broken person who can't function at relationships. I'm too scared of being hurt again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ellofranki · 25/02/2023 06:07

@pineapplepancake ahh bless you. I'm actually exhausted. Also didn't eat last night.
Gonna try to sleep for a couple of hours.
Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
pineapplepancake · 25/02/2023 06:21

@Ellofranki have you talked to him about being anxiously attached? Or told him about your insecurities at least?

It's so difficult, I've had a lot of therapy and have done lots of reading and I know what's going on in my head when it's happening, but it doesn't stop it happening, if that makes sense!

Hope you get some rest 💐

Tlolljs · 25/02/2023 06:34

Perhaps you should deal with being ‘anxiously attached’ before dating anyone.

rwalker · 25/02/2023 06:38

If you behave like this when he goes out I don’t think your ready for a relationship

if my other half behaved like this is run for the hills

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 25/02/2023 06:41

Awwww you poor thing. When you've been badly hurt it's scary being in the position of it could happen again.
This situation is definitely not a problem, this is exactly the sort of thing I'd do, I'd get caught up in all the fun and having been told to just relax and enjoy, that's what I'd do. To be fair who wants to maintain a line of communication when you're out having fun with people, there's never a good moment to get your phone out and send pictures really.
Don't ask him why he didn't send pictures, yes he offered, but that was before he got into the swing of the evening and you said he didn't need to. You'll just make him self conscious next time and it will spoil your relaxed happy relationship by making it clear that when you say 'don't message just have fun', you don't mean it really.

At some point when there is a good moment for a heart to heart you could let him know that the way you've been treated before gives you some unwanted demons that haunt your thoughts from time to time and though you know it isn't fair to view this relationship through the prism of previous ones, and you don't intend to let that happen, it would help you keep those thoughts where they belong if you were able to ask for a bit of reassurance sometimes.

Him knowing that you sometimes need a hug for this and you being able to say it's a bad day today any chance of a hug. Is a world away from an unwritten dance where you try to say the right things but actually need him to bend his behaviour to sooth the anxiety monster and you both end up with this push pull of bad reactions when that doesn't happen and you crave details and reassurance but no one actually recognising or saying what's really going on.

Don't give your anxiety monster power over your relationship. Name it, manage it, recruit his help doing that openly, but don't dance it's dance.

Easier said than done and this is why people who crap on others make my blood boil because the legacy left behind are all these horrid fears that live in your head rent free.

Do get help from talking therapy for support with this, you deserve to be able to enjoy falling in love without all these worries.

MistyMooninabluesky · 25/02/2023 06:42

For the last couple of hours I've been feeling like I never want to speak to or hear from him again. That when he messages and calls me today (which he will, he always does) I would ignore him as am so upset he's not messaged

It’s obvious you don’t trust him so perhaps breaking up would be good for you. Take time to sort out your extreme anxiety and then think about dating again.
it isn’t fair on him to ignore him for goodness sake! He’s only had a night out AND you told him not to message you!
Poor chap.

GoodChat · 25/02/2023 06:42

If you give him the silent treatment you're absolutely right about it being toxic.

He was having fun. Battery could have died. Signal could have been crap. They might even have had a no cameras rule.

Regardless of why he didn't message, he didn't owe you that and it's not a red flag that he didn't.

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 25/02/2023 06:47

MistyMooninabluesky · 25/02/2023 06:42

For the last couple of hours I've been feeling like I never want to speak to or hear from him again. That when he messages and calls me today (which he will, he always does) I would ignore him as am so upset he's not messaged

It’s obvious you don’t trust him so perhaps breaking up would be good for you. Take time to sort out your extreme anxiety and then think about dating again.
it isn’t fair on him to ignore him for goodness sake! He’s only had a night out AND you told him not to message you!
Poor chap.

Agree that's a really toxic reaction.
Depends on your relationship whether the only answer is to break up.
If you are both committed and you're prepared to not act out on your anxiety like this, you might be able to heal without leaving the relationship.
But if this kind of response is a feature of your life then that's not on, and it will strangle what you have and cause you both pain until all the fun is dead.

MichelleScarn · 25/02/2023 07:06

GoodChat · 25/02/2023 06:42

If you give him the silent treatment you're absolutely right about it being toxic.

He was having fun. Battery could have died. Signal could have been crap. They might even have had a no cameras rule.

Regardless of why he didn't message, he didn't owe you that and it's not a red flag that he didn't.

This, why the anxiety? Because it's a party or just because you're not there? If he went for a coffee with mates/daytime drink/out for the day will you start asking for photos/texts throughout the day?
Are you wanting them as actually interested or as 'prove where you are/who you are with'?

nc1013 · 25/02/2023 08:05

Ellofranki · 25/02/2023 06:05

Ok, thank you for rationalizing everyone.
@NewtoHolland appreciate it. I need to try something. I feel horrible, lay in my bed wired on fear and dread. For the last couple of hours I've been feeling like I never want to speak to or hear from him again. That when he messages and calls me today (which he will, he always does) I would ignore him as am so upset he's not messaged.
That's toxic isn't it, on my part. I feel like a broken person who can't function at relationships. I'm too scared of being hurt again.

I just started CBT for anxious attachment this week so I know how you feel. Sending a big hug

CrystalCoco · 25/02/2023 08:43

If he hadn't specifically said "I'll send you photos" then you might not be feeling this way?

You'd likely have thought, he's having a great night, caught up chatting and having fun, I'll hear all about it tomorrow, and that would have been that, right?

He said he'd do something and he didn't do it - even though the reason is the same ie caught up chatting and having fun, I'll hear all about it tomorrow - the vibe feels different? That's what I'd find annoying.

Frogscottle · 25/02/2023 08:57

I totally get this feeling and agree with the pp that you would have been fine if he hadnt said he’d send pics. With an anxious attachment there is also the phenomenon of ‘if I were out I would miss him and send a message so if he’s not doing the same he doesnt like me as much as I like him’ going on in your head.
I’m getting there in healing my anxious attachment, partly through therapy, but also p bizarrely because Ive been with someone avoidant for a few years and I’ve slowly realised that he DOES in fact adore me, but has his own way of being and showing it.
Letting go of the need for constant reassurance and realising that love expresses itself in different ways for different people has made me a much more stable person…as has realising that yes, I MIGHT get hurt, but that actually thats ok. I will be ok. I’m enough on my own .

Don’t ignore him or freeze him out when he does contact you. Do get yourself some therapy to heal yourself, for YOU, not for anyone else.

Original poster
Ellofranki · 25/02/2023 09:13

@Frogscottle thank you for your reply. It means a lot that I'm not alone in these kind of feelings and that you can heal - as you are.
You are exactly right in that I was fine until he said he would send pictures and didn't. This sparked feelings and then no matter what I did to suppress them they just got worse through the night. And your exactly right with me thinking he doesn't love me as much as I do him, as I would think of him and want to send a picture. Or at least stick to my word.
I don't want to freeze him out...but also I just now have this massive wall up and don't know how to fake that I'm fine when he does get in touch.
Have you got any tips on exercises one can do at home? I can't afford therapy but could go via GP and NHS if there are options. But I know public mental health services are under massive strain so I doubt id get any therapy via that route quickly..

OP posts:
Frogscottle · 25/02/2023 10:34

You need to train your brain away from its default settings. At the moment you’ll almost belooking for signals that you are not good enough or loveable enough…so anything he does that you wouldnt do or feel like a rejection will immediately start the process of self doubt..that will, over the course of a few hours turn into your wanting to ‘punish’ him.
This is of course wrong, as you told him to go and have a good time and not worry about messaging you. Unfortunately I suspect this was not what you actually wanted, but how you felt you should respond to give him the impression you are more secure than is the reality. There would have been part of you that was hoping he’d message you because you wouldn't be able to help doing so in his shoes as you need the reassurance of connection when apart.
please font get me wrong, needing that connection isn't in itself wrong, its nice to have someone to miss, but when it leads to a sleepless night when he’s only done as you're suggested then you really need to understand why.

I’d look at HOW does it make you feel? Wherabouts in your past have you felt like that before and why is it so all encompassing? Look at your past relationships and yourchildhood …there will have been a rejection there somewhere which really hurt, that lead to a very visceral response when you believe it may happen again. You are on hyper alert for rejection…Healing this is one step closer to being secure.

look up inner child work online

I used online therapy most recently. Ive had therapy before so was aware of my issues but needed a top up. It was only one month, 5 sessions, but i’m balanced again.

theres a lot to unpick when youre like us, but you CAN unpick it, and feel balanced again.

I wont go into loads on here but feel free to pm me if you ever need a sounding board.

Frogscottle · 25/02/2023 10:38

When he gets in touch, stay light, see what he says, remember hes with you for good reasons, and try and be glad for him that hes had a good time, even if it makes you feel vulnerable. Your vulnerability is part of you, and you CAN let him see that, but i’d do so within the context of being aware its an issue you have and not his to fix, but that you’d appreciate his understanding ehilst youre doing so.

Opaljewel · 25/02/2023 10:49

Youtube these issues and you'll find many videos to help

Choconut · 25/02/2023 10:50

It's annoying when people say they'll do something but then don't - it's flaky behaviour and I don't appreciate it. As a one off though it's a minor thing and there could be several different explanations for it. So long as he said the next day, 'sorry I didn't send pics, it was crazy, I drank too much and fell asleep' or something along those lines then no big deal. No need to stay up all night or get upset. If it turns into a pattern of behavior, well that's a different thing - but right now it's just a minor thing.

QueSyrahSyrah · 25/02/2023 10:57

OP, honestly, I love my Husband to the ends of the earth, but if I'm out having a good time and a meal with colleagues or friends he barely crosses my mind in the moment. I have also said I'll said him pictures and then ended up not taking any at all because I'm busy enjoying the night as it happens, not through a screen.

It does NOT mean that I don't adore him, that I'm up to anything, that he can't trust me.

I am just (maybe like your partner) a very 'one thing at once' person. If I'm at work I don't think about home, if I'm at home I don't think about work - as much as I can help it anyway - and when I'm out with A I don't think much about B.

Sorry if I missed it; have you sought any help for this anxiety?

GreyCarpet · 25/02/2023 11:35

When he messages, which he will, don't feel pressured into replying immediately. Take half an hour, an hour, whatever you need to be able to reply with "Glad you had a great night! x"

That's not ignoring him. If you see the message on preview, he'll just think ypu haven't read it yet. That way, he'll have no idea you've been worrying yourself stupid half the night either and you won't look like you've been checking the phone every 30 seconds either 😉

Then, next time you see him in person, explain it to him.

Tell him that you meant it when you told him not to worry about messaging you but the fact he said he would meant you were expecting something and were worried when you got nothing.

He probably meant it when he said he'd send photos of the food but got caught up in the evening, started eating before he remembered to take a photo and then remembered that you'd told him not to bother anyway. So thought he'd leave it.