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Original poster

Hot and cold partner - have I done the right thing?

97 replies

Relationshiptroubles · 24/02/2023 22:58

I've been with my boyfriend 18 months but known eachother longer through academia . I'm getting mixed messages as he will blow extremely hot (asking me to marry him, wanting to ttc, telling me he cant wait for us to have a child and we have had unprotected sex as he said he wanted to get me pregnant) to him shutting down and refusing to discuss us even going for a day out or holiday and saying he's not sure he wants to live together. He's almost 50, never had a ltr. When I asked him he said when work is busy thinking about our relationship is on the back burner and because he had a prev bad relationship he said his guard is up and that's why he pulls away from me as he feels vulnerable as a man.

It's making me anxious and I've told him he can't keep messing with my feelings and he needs to have a think sbout what he wants. To be together properly and consistently or we need to split. I'm worried I've been OTT but honestly it's hard being promised one relationship and him trying to get me pregnant then a couple of weeks later being told he isn't sure it messes with my esteem and whilst breaking up would be hard his state of limbo is even worse. He says it's my fault we haven't moved forward as I could arrange things for us myself but I can't if he refuses to tell me whether he is free or wanting to go. He's had 20 failed relationships.

OP posts:
AlmostaMamma · 24/02/2023 23:03

Why on Earth are you tolerating this?! And trying to get pregnant?!

Break up with this idiot and work on your self esteem. How old are you? Presumably much younger than him? Don’t waste your childbearing years on this nonsense.

Annabananna1 · 24/02/2023 23:09

Ah. I've known a man like that.
Firstly I actually think if he's telling the truth with his explanation, then fair play to him in a way. It took me ages and ages to work out why my man behaved this way. Hot and cold. He never explained why he did it at all. Work came first, I was only on the agenda if he had time but he also didn't want us to part ways because sometimes he was really in to me. So at least some of the figuring it out has been done for you and he acknowledges he's putting the relationship on the back burner at times.

Now hold your head high and make a decision. You're either ok with how he is and can work around his 'ways' or you can't and you end it and find some peace as maybe someone else in time.
Personally I'd leave. Time is precious and he's pissing about. Unlikely to change his ways aged 50.

Original poster
Relationshiptroubles · 24/02/2023 23:54

I'm not OK. He says he's busy trying to leave jobs has no idea what he wants to do. O have told him so many times the extremes I see make me feel so undervalued and he doesn't care. He just replies with problems about me like how I don't make arrangements myself when I try and I should be more understanding and I expect too much. What should I say to him? I meant what I said I want a consistent loving partner or I want out. He isn't happy about that.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 24/02/2023 23:57

Yes, you’ve done the right thing. Don’t have unprotected sex anymore though.

Verynice1 · 24/02/2023 23:58

So he gets you pregnant and he still doesn’t know if he wants to be with you or not?

Honestly you must be mad putting up with a man of 50 behaving like that. And no, he’s not going to change.

How old are you?

Happytohelp2 · 24/02/2023 23:59

Get out. Tell him it’s over and mean it. Move on. He doesn’t sound capable of love because live involves putting someone else’s happiness at least as highly as your own. He just puts himself first and has no intention or desire to change. You deserve so so much more. 💐

Karma2023 · 25/02/2023 00:06

Is there much of an age gap?

Why do you think he will change? 18 months should be honeymoon stage, if its problematic now it will be much worse a few years down the line. Don't get pregnant- he will just blame you as that's what he is already doing.

Its bad news when you are in a relationship and feel confused.

Original poster
Relationshiptroubles · 25/02/2023 00:37

I'm 30.

OP posts:
LadyJ2023 · 25/02/2023 00:38

Please do not bring a child into this farce. This man is not going to change at that age and his track record should tell you that. Leave him and get someone who wants to be with you and deserves you and then consider a child.

OhNoNotThatAgain · 25/02/2023 00:42

Karma2023 · 25/02/2023 00:06

Is there much of an age gap?

Why do you think he will change? 18 months should be honeymoon stage, if its problematic now it will be much worse a few years down the line. Don't get pregnant- he will just blame you as that's what he is already doing.

Its bad news when you are in a relationship and feel confused.

18 months isn't the honeymoon stage for him, it seems to be the limit. He's nearly 50 and had 20 failed relationships?

@Relationshiptroubles Dump this one pronto. Don't waste any more of your fertile years on him, he is a dead loss.

Original poster
Relationshiptroubles · 25/02/2023 00:43

I've been thinking of leaving for a while but wasn't sure if I was overreacting. The fact so many say I'm not is what I needed.

OP posts:
dancezoo · 25/02/2023 04:38

hello, I understand academia and it is riddled with these types. He certainly will not change. It sounds to me like he is love bombing you. I don’t think he means any of those promises, sorry. He just wants to keep you around.

now I have seen lots of nice men about 30 around. Those men have lots of resources, engaged parents, health, and are probably on the cusp of successful careers. Those are the men who will take you hillwalking in Italy and then propose. Ditch this sad sack and nab yourself one of those! You’re worth it!

Poppyblush · 25/02/2023 06:28

Leave! So many issues here…. He doesn’t care about you so go.

Jimboscott0115 · 25/02/2023 06:42

There's a reason he's had 20 failed relationships, noone has been able to put up with him.

He thinks he's got you in strings, by blowing hot and cold he can manipulate you and get whatever he wants. It's designed to worsen your self esteem.

Basically... He's a prick.

MrsRickAstley · 25/02/2023 06:57

He's probably had the snip and just wants unprotected sex.

BUTT unless you know for sure, I'd stop sleeping with him.

He'll have dated another 3 before the year js out.

Seriously what is it about a 50 year old that seems so attractive?!?! Age gaps do indeed work but this one doesn't.

Move on.

Dery · 25/02/2023 08:19

It’s unclear why you want this man. He’s a waste of time. He won’t change for you.

And it’s crazy to base a relationship on potential. A relationship has to be based on your present experience of it and the person you’re in it with. If he wanted to give you the things you want, he would be giving them to you. You wouldn’t be having to beg.

Also, why on earth are you allowing unprotected sex with the idea of him getting you pregnant? You talk as if you have no agency or involvement in that decision and yet it’s the biggest decision you can make. No sensible, responsible adult would bring a child into the relationship that you describe. Babies aren’t a gift you give someone - you’re making a whole new person with their own life and needs and wants. And I find it really odd that you write of him making you pregnant as if it is something you have no say in. Especially since you would almost certainly be the person landed with all the childcare.

Please at once stop having unprotected sex because you clearly have absolutely no understanding of what a baby needs in terms of the family set-up that the baby is born into.

You sound a bit vulnerable to me. I think it would be very helpful for you to access some counselling and understand why you are pursuing a man so much older, why you are trying to maintain a relationship with someone who is hopeless and why you are even contemplating “being made pregnant” in circumstances such as these.

Verynice1 · 25/02/2023 08:27

So what’s your plan for if/when you get pregnant? Get married/live together/bring the child up together in a family home/maternity leave/living expenses/finances for bringing up the baby? Have you talked about it together?

It looks like he would run a mile so how does it work for you as a single parent?

category12 · 25/02/2023 08:35

You're not happy and you don't know where you are with him, so fgs stop TTC. Unless you want to be a single mum.

A relationship shouldn't be like this.

Give him the boot and find someone nicer who is consistent and kind and you know where you are with him.

BCBird · 25/02/2023 08:39

Know your self worth
Spend time happily single and then look.

Newestname002 · 25/02/2023 09:17

@Relationshiptroubles

Please don't waste your time and energy on someone who doesn't want to properly commit to you as a person (not just as a receptacle for his child) and who cannot hold down a relationship.

Take a good hard look at what your life, and that of a child, is likely to be if you were unfortunate enough to get pregnant by him. He has shown you over and over what type of man he is, and that's not someone who will be an equal partner in life now or in the future. Please learn from all those women in the 20 failed relationships and get away from him as soon as possible and being very clear in your mind - and with him - that there is no going back.

Protect yourself immediately getting pregnant by him and stop wasting your child bearing years with someone who blows hot and cold like this. Aren't you worth more than thus? 🌹

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 25/02/2023 09:46

He's had 20 failed relationships.

I sincerely hope that's about to become 21, OP.

There is no good outcome for you here - unless you actively want to be a single mum with no emotional or practical support, just a grudging financial contribution?

I'll take a wild stab at armchair analysing him from the little you've said. He wants the surface advantages and benefits of being in a relationship. Someone who can listen to his rants about horrible colleagues, bureaucracy, politics, the news, the dearth of parking spaces in town. Who he can boast to about his petty victories at departmental meetings and the plaudits he receives in his field. Someone to give him admiration and an ego boost, and soothe his frustrations. Someone to have sex with when he feels like it, and he doesn't like condoms, so he'll pretend to want a baby and marriage so that he doesn't have to wear one, in the sure and certain knowledge that if a pregnancy happens, he can just fuck you off if he's bored of you, or keep you trapped with him (without marriage) if you're still useful. After all he's getting older so needs to think about his care needs going forwards. A younger nursemaid would be very useful.

What he doesn't care about is you. You are not a human being with needs, wants, agency, or even a personality, to him. You are a combination of mother, sex aid and housekeeper. When you start breaking out of this role, he punishes you by going cold until you get back in your box.

Life with him would be a life of servitude, of suppressing your own desires and serving only him. Get out. There are literally billions of eligible men in the world. There is no shortage. As a woman without children in her early 30s, you are sought after by men who actually want a relationship of equals.

Extra bonus armchair analysis: I suspect he has/had a very unhealthy relationship with his mother.

piedbeauty · 25/02/2023 10:03

He's 50? Never had an LTR? Can't communicate like an adult? Twenty years older than you? You're not happy for various reasons??

Stop ttc with him and leave. You might consider counselling to raise your self esteem.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 25/02/2023 10:49

piedbeauty · 25/02/2023 10:03

He's 50? Never had an LTR? Can't communicate like an adult? Twenty years older than you? You're not happy for various reasons??

Stop ttc with him and leave. You might consider counselling to raise your self esteem.

This.

Please do not make this poor specimen a father! Totally unfair to any prospective human being.

Ofcourseshecan · 25/02/2023 11:23

I think it would be very helpful for you to access some counselling and understand why you are pursuing a man so much older, why you are trying to maintain a relationship with someone who is hopeless and why you are even contemplating “being made pregnant” in circumstances such as these.

This. Please don’t waste any more time on him.

PardonmemynameisAlice · 25/02/2023 11:56

I can't for the life of me ever see what a young 30 year old woman can see in a 50 year old man. He doesn't even sound like a successful man who has it all together.

Get rid, and get some self esteem. He's using you to boost his ego.