Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hot and cold partner - have I done the right thing?

97 replies

Relationshiptroubles · 24/02/2023 22:58

I've been with my boyfriend 18 months but known eachother longer through academia . I'm getting mixed messages as he will blow extremely hot (asking me to marry him, wanting to ttc, telling me he cant wait for us to have a child and we have had unprotected sex as he said he wanted to get me pregnant) to him shutting down and refusing to discuss us even going for a day out or holiday and saying he's not sure he wants to live together. He's almost 50, never had a ltr. When I asked him he said when work is busy thinking about our relationship is on the back burner and because he had a prev bad relationship he said his guard is up and that's why he pulls away from me as he feels vulnerable as a man.

It's making me anxious and I've told him he can't keep messing with my feelings and he needs to have a think sbout what he wants. To be together properly and consistently or we need to split. I'm worried I've been OTT but honestly it's hard being promised one relationship and him trying to get me pregnant then a couple of weeks later being told he isn't sure it messes with my esteem and whilst breaking up would be hard his state of limbo is even worse. He says it's my fault we haven't moved forward as I could arrange things for us myself but I can't if he refuses to tell me whether he is free or wanting to go. He's had 20 failed relationships.

OP posts:
AlmostaMamma · 25/02/2023 23:05

Relationshiptroubles · 25/02/2023 22:45

Do you think he's lying about the ex behaviour? I do worry about that because she accused him of abuse but he says that men are vulnerable to this accusation and I tried to ignore it but he has a lot of misogynistic opinions and my gut feels off. She got a restraining order against him. That's why I thought text.

Stop this nonsense. It doesn’t matter. None of it is relevant anymore. End it.

savethatkitty · 25/02/2023 23:10

In this situation, I would simply ghost. Block & delete. I wouldn't even bother trying to give him an explanation.

Original poster
Relationshiptroubles · 25/02/2023 23:21

That's what I was thinking of is simply ghosting. Because if he wouldn't listen to any worries or concerns when we're together then he will refuse to accept a break up.

OP posts:
AlmostaMamma · 25/02/2023 23:30

Relationshiptroubles · 25/02/2023 23:21

That's what I was thinking of is simply ghosting. Because if he wouldn't listen to any worries or concerns when we're together then he will refuse to accept a break up.

He doesn’t need to ‘accept’ it. As you’ve been advised to block him immediately afterwards.

What is it you want here? Do you want to talk about the situation pointlessly for a while and then just do nothing? Or do you actually want to end it? As you can literally finish all this in the next 30 seconds.

QueenCamilla · 25/02/2023 23:39

The ‘always break up in person’ stance HUGELY disadvantages women and vulnerable people. I really wish people would stop advising it.

So true.

The only time I had a break-up that didn't put me in danger was the one I did via text.

There will never be a way that is well received by the other side. The only differential is the safety.

Original poster
Relationshiptroubles · 25/02/2023 23:51

I've decided to simply block him and have done. Just need to start piecing myself back together and moving on now.

OP posts:
AlmostaMamma · 25/02/2023 23:53

I think sending a clear message beforehand is preferable, but it’s your choice. Have you now blocked him on everything? What’s App, iMessage, FB, Insta, emails, whatever else you have?

Original poster
Relationshiptroubles · 26/02/2023 00:36

I don't use Facebook etc and have blocked phone, WhatsApp and email. I know it might be shit to just ghost but it's what I feel is best for me.

OP posts:
AlmostaMamma · 26/02/2023 00:38

Well done!

WuTangGran · 26/02/2023 00:51

You’ve done the right thing. Well done.

Catoo · 26/02/2023 00:58

Well done for the full block. It will give you peace knowing you can’t be dragged back in to his tiring nonsense.
At 50 this man is fully cooked. He will never change. I feel like there is something dark here too that you have done well to swerve. Maybe also have STD checks if you haven’t already.

Original poster
Relationshiptroubles · 26/02/2023 03:45

Something dark?

OP posts:
dancezoo · 26/02/2023 08:00

Relationshiptroubles · 25/02/2023 22:45

Do you think he's lying about the ex behaviour? I do worry about that because she accused him of abuse but he says that men are vulnerable to this accusation and I tried to ignore it but he has a lot of misogynistic opinions and my gut feels off. She got a restraining order against him. That's why I thought text.

Bloody hell OP. Yes I do think he’s lying about this. I am glad you’ve blocked him.

I just wanted to add: you’re not broken or faulty in any way. What you’re calling your anxiety is a built-in alarm system to keep you out of danger. It has worked here, and done its job to get you out of a narrow miss with someone harmful. Everything with you is 100% in order.

Jimboscott0115 · 26/02/2023 08:01

Relationshiptroubles · 25/02/2023 22:03

Is it OK to dump him by text or is thst too cowardly? I feel upset and just want it done. He does hot and cold all the time. We went a month without speaking once and I was starting not to miss him then he bombarded me with emails. If I try and get space from him he bombard with messages. He makes out I can't do anything without him. Him saying his ex abusing him is why he's hot and cold (which is sad although she acused him of abuse too) shows he knows he's doing it and he knows he's making me anxious.

I would almost out money on his ex not having abused him OP. Think about it, his ex hates him and accuses him of abuse, he treats you like a piece of crap and by his own admission his colleagues hate him.

See the pattern? Noone likes this guy, he's had 20 relationships and none have stuck around. It's pretty obvious who the abuser is because he's emotionally abusive to you... I can't imagine this is the first time he's been like this with a partner.

Dump him however works for you, no need to worry about being rude etc because he doesn't afford you the same level of respect.

dancezoo · 26/02/2023 08:01

Yes, she’s right there is something dark. It’s what you could sense. Danger.

Karma2023 · 26/02/2023 10:58

Getting a restraining rider isn't easy. She must have had proof of him being abusive.

Good for you for blocking him.

JMSA · 26/02/2023 11:03

You've allowed him to stay in the driving seat too long. It's time to take back some control and end this dysfunctional relationship.
Incidentally, this is why I won't date middle-aged men who have never been married. As far as I'm concerned, it's a red flag.

JMSA · 26/02/2023 11:04

Oh, have just read that you've blocked him. Good for you and please don't go back!

flabbygoldfish · 26/02/2023 11:14

Ok where to begin..🤔a 50 year old man, who is still has an unusually strong attachment to his parents, with 20 failed relationships is now trying to get a 30 year old woman pregnant to ‘move the relationship’ forward without any form of commitment or taking any other form of responsibility.

OP just end this one now and consider it a near miss. I suspect he is having a mid life crisis and in a complete mess. Don’t be dragged down by him. Just say you think the relationship has run its course, all the best, goodbye. Then run…

learn from it and raise your standards- you are not done form of brood mare for an immature 50 year old man to impregnate.

Viviennemary · 26/02/2023 11:20

I see you sre only 30 and he is 50. That is a big age gap.me. End this relationship . He sounds awful.

category12 · 26/02/2023 11:31

Relationshiptroubles · 26/02/2023 03:45

Something dark?

It's not easy to get a restraining order.

Given his behaviour to you, the way he hasn't listened when you've tried to talk to him, the hot and cold, these were all huge red flag behaviours - and please please please in future, don't give guys the benefit of the doubt when they tell you their ex got a restraining order against them.

"Crazy abusive ex" stories are most often projection and also red flags. Of course there are cases of people being lied about, but as a rule, it's more likely there was fire than it's just smoke.

It might be worth doing a Claire's Law enquiry about him.

Stay safe and if he starts bothering you or getting round your blocks or turns up at your door and makes a scene, do take him seriously as a potential actual threat and get the police involved if needs be.

BalloonInvestigator · 26/02/2023 11:43

Relationshiptroubles · 25/02/2023 22:45

Do you think he's lying about the ex behaviour? I do worry about that because she accused him of abuse but he says that men are vulnerable to this accusation and I tried to ignore it but he has a lot of misogynistic opinions and my gut feels off. She got a restraining order against him. That's why I thought text.

Restraining orders are not easy to get. She would have had VERY good reason to get this order against him.

monsteramunch · 26/02/2023 11:56

It's really, really difficult to get a restraining order. The threshold is worryingly high. I agree with PP that now you've cut contact, a Clare's Law check is sensible and will help safeguard you and put any necessary measures in place with the support of the police.

The Clare's Law scheme enables the police to release information about any previous history of violence or abuse a person might have.
Under Clare's Law you can:
• apply for information about your current or ex-partner because you're worried they may have a history of abuse and are a risk to you
• request information about the current or ex-partner of a friend or relative because you're worried they might be at risk

Original poster
Relationshiptroubles · 26/02/2023 17:18

I completely forgot he's got my birth certificate. I asked him if he sent it as he offered to post for me as part of an application. He won't tell me whether he has it or sent it. What should I do? I don't want to fuel the flames but I need it back.

OP posts:
perfectcolourfound · 26/02/2023 17:27

First of all, well done on dumping him. There couldn't be any more red flags with this one, and he was never going to make you happy, only miserable and confused. I'd rather be single than with a man who blows hot and cold, doesn't know what he wants, is so tied to his parents when he's 50, goes silent on you then bombards with you.... the list goes on. He isn't capable of having a grown up equal relationship. You've done the right thing. Don't go back on your decision. You will regret it.

Secondly, your question about the birth cert....well that tells you everything you need to know. Why is he playing games and not answering that question? He's using it to play with your head and control you. So..... I would contact the organisation you were sending it to and ask if they've received it. If they say no, contact him and explain you know he hasn't posted it and you want it back immediately or you will report him to the Police as having stolen official documents from you.

In any case, you can get a copy of your birth certificate, but I would be worried what he might try to do with it. A Police report or solicitors letter may be needed to warn him off.