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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hot and cold partner - have I done the right thing?

97 replies

Relationshiptroubles · 24/02/2023 22:58

I've been with my boyfriend 18 months but known eachother longer through academia . I'm getting mixed messages as he will blow extremely hot (asking me to marry him, wanting to ttc, telling me he cant wait for us to have a child and we have had unprotected sex as he said he wanted to get me pregnant) to him shutting down and refusing to discuss us even going for a day out or holiday and saying he's not sure he wants to live together. He's almost 50, never had a ltr. When I asked him he said when work is busy thinking about our relationship is on the back burner and because he had a prev bad relationship he said his guard is up and that's why he pulls away from me as he feels vulnerable as a man.

It's making me anxious and I've told him he can't keep messing with my feelings and he needs to have a think sbout what he wants. To be together properly and consistently or we need to split. I'm worried I've been OTT but honestly it's hard being promised one relationship and him trying to get me pregnant then a couple of weeks later being told he isn't sure it messes with my esteem and whilst breaking up would be hard his state of limbo is even worse. He says it's my fault we haven't moved forward as I could arrange things for us myself but I can't if he refuses to tell me whether he is free or wanting to go. He's had 20 failed relationships.

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 25/02/2023 12:41

When a man is truly interested in you, you know it. They don't sit navel-gazing and pontificating on their past relationships and using it as an excuse for bieng hot and cold - they are just consistently there and they are out to get you and get the relationship locked down.

He's 50, if he hasn't sorted his shit by now then he's never going to manage it.

I agree with everyone else - get rid.

Livinginanotherworld · 25/02/2023 13:19

Relationshiptroubles · 25/02/2023 00:37

I'm 30.

Please don’t waste your life….(and your childbearing years) on this waste of space, you deserve so much better and will get it, but not with him.

Nanny0gg · 25/02/2023 13:32

Relationshiptroubles · 25/02/2023 00:43

I've been thinking of leaving for a while but wasn't sure if I was overreacting. The fact so many say I'm not is what I needed.

Whatever the circumstances, if you want to leave, you want to leave.

It can't be an overreaction

Original poster
Relationshiptroubles · 25/02/2023 18:16

He and his parents do everything together. He moved out in his 40s. He never has time for me but always for them. I tried for weeks to arrange a trip He won't give me dates. He makes me wait to see what plans they have together first. I just wish whatever we had was consistent. Can I have help in how to call things off?

OP posts:
WuTangGran · 25/02/2023 18:19

“He and his parents do everything together”.
Have you got to break up with all three of them?

Original poster
Relationshiptroubles · 25/02/2023 18:20

What type of counselling would be best? I suffer poor mental health.

OP posts:
Original poster
Relationshiptroubles · 25/02/2023 18:22

WuTangGran · 25/02/2023 18:19

“He and his parents do everything together”.
Have you got to break up with all three of them?

Yes. All his "achievements" which are very few only happened due to them. He also tells me his colleagues hate him. If someone else was posting this I'd be telling them to get rid I don't know why I'm being so foolish.

OP posts:
Dery · 25/02/2023 18:35

In terms of the best counselling, that probably depends on your particular mental health challenges. If you’re in the UK, I would suggest seeing your GP and asking for a referral.

In terms of the message to this man, I think you can just say that it doesn’t suit you to be dating right now. That way, he can’t really argue with your decision whereas if you say it isn’t working for you he might try to get you to stay. He sounds like he’s never properly grown up.

Monty27 · 25/02/2023 18:40

Is he your XP yet? I'd be dropping him like a brick OP.

Verynice1 · 25/02/2023 18:42

Plan what to say. Write it down if you need to. Something direct and to the point, eg this relationship is not working for me so I don’t want to see you any more.

You need to be determined to stick to it especially if he is the type to put pressure on you to continue. Don’t engage in a long discussion about it. Be firm that you have made your mind up.

Magicmama92 · 25/02/2023 19:18

You don't one minute want a baby the next shut down.
Imagine actually having a baby with this guy..... Can you honestly say that it dosnt concern you?
Find someone who values you and knows what they want otherwise your getting pregnant to a man who could change his mind and walk away because he has no idea what he wants.

Original poster
Relationshiptroubles · 25/02/2023 22:03

Is it OK to dump him by text or is thst too cowardly? I feel upset and just want it done. He does hot and cold all the time. We went a month without speaking once and I was starting not to miss him then he bombarded me with emails. If I try and get space from him he bombard with messages. He makes out I can't do anything without him. Him saying his ex abusing him is why he's hot and cold (which is sad although she acused him of abuse too) shows he knows he's doing it and he knows he's making me anxious.

OP posts:
AlmostaMamma · 25/02/2023 22:06

Relationshiptroubles · 25/02/2023 22:03

Is it OK to dump him by text or is thst too cowardly? I feel upset and just want it done. He does hot and cold all the time. We went a month without speaking once and I was starting not to miss him then he bombarded me with emails. If I try and get space from him he bombard with messages. He makes out I can't do anything without him. Him saying his ex abusing him is why he's hot and cold (which is sad although she acused him of abuse too) shows he knows he's doing it and he knows he's making me anxious.

Break up with him via text and then block him on EVERYTHING. Don’t get into a back and forth about it.

Be done with this nonsense.

Magicmama92 · 25/02/2023 22:06

Personally I find text dumping isn't ok.
It's really up to you though.
Make sure you word it clearly.
Can't you meet up somewhere not your or his but neutral if it makes you nervous? Or even do it in a phone call and write down what you want to say so it's in front that way you don't have to see him but it's a bit more than a text. Good luck.

AlmostaMamma · 25/02/2023 22:13

Magicmama92 · 25/02/2023 22:06

Personally I find text dumping isn't ok.
It's really up to you though.
Make sure you word it clearly.
Can't you meet up somewhere not your or his but neutral if it makes you nervous? Or even do it in a phone call and write down what you want to say so it's in front that way you don't have to see him but it's a bit more than a text. Good luck.

He’s an arse, treats her like shite and this entire thing is giving her anxiety. She has stated she has poor mental health. Why on Earth would she meet up with him and expose herself to further unpleasantness?

The ‘always break up in person’ stance HUGELY disadvantages women and vulnerable people. I really wish people would stop advising it.

OP, please just text him. You owe this man nothing. Don’t endanger your mental health for this twat.

Magicmama92 · 25/02/2023 22:16

That is just my opinion I'm.nit saying he's not treated her horribly.
I still think text breakup isn't nice.
I offered some suggestions I wasn't saying do them..
End of the day op will do what she thinks.

Original poster
Relationshiptroubles · 25/02/2023 22:16

Thanks guys. Yes I know text isn't ideal but I think I'd lose my nerve if I tried face to face and I'd worry how he would react. Is a short and sweet text simple saying this doesn't work OK or should I try to explain?

OP posts:
Original poster
Relationshiptroubles · 25/02/2023 22:18

I would be willing to do face to face but it's happened loads where if I try and discuss anything he'll simply ignore me for a few days then talk like nothings happened.

OP posts:
category12 · 25/02/2023 22:20

Short and to the point.

It's not a discussion and he doesn't need an explanation - he knows why really already. He knows he's treating you shittily, but he feels entitled to do so because of some other woman's alleged behaviour towards him (which is bollocks, but anyway).

And then block.

AlmostaMamma · 25/02/2023 22:21

Relationshiptroubles · 25/02/2023 22:18

I would be willing to do face to face but it's happened loads where if I try and discuss anything he'll simply ignore me for a few days then talk like nothings happened.

Text him. Say everything you want to say. Then block. Block immediately, don’t wait for a response. Block him on social media, as well. Do not engage.

PousseyNotMoira · 25/02/2023 22:23

Magicmama92 · 25/02/2023 22:16

That is just my opinion I'm.nit saying he's not treated her horribly.
I still think text breakup isn't nice.
I offered some suggestions I wasn't saying do them..
End of the day op will do what she thinks.

I still think text breakup isn't nice.

She’s not required to risk her already poor mental health to be ‘nice’.

Magicmama92 · 25/02/2023 22:24

Ok 👌
Clearly we just differ on views.
Hopefully op breaks it off in a way she feels is best.

Original poster
Relationshiptroubles · 25/02/2023 22:45

Do you think he's lying about the ex behaviour? I do worry about that because she accused him of abuse but he says that men are vulnerable to this accusation and I tried to ignore it but he has a lot of misogynistic opinions and my gut feels off. She got a restraining order against him. That's why I thought text.

OP posts:
Cinecitta · 25/02/2023 22:48

Oh my goodness me! You want to be with a man who is 20 years older than you? And on top of that he is unreliable? How on earth did he manage to bag you?
It’s way too wide of an age gap which you might not feel now but would definitely feel in 10-15 years. And he is flaky…just get rid. And 20 failed relationships?
There’s more red flags here than on May Day in Soviet Russia..🇨🇳🇨🇳🇨🇳

RoundLikeaCircle · 25/02/2023 22:50

TWENTY FAILED RELATIONSHIPS…

TWENTY YEARS OLDER…

This is a veritable red flag jubilee OP, for godsake, stop asking stupid questions and handwringing over this elderly loser and ge the hell out whilst you’re still not pregnant!

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