Hot and cold partner - have I done the right thing?

[Relationshiptroubles]

I've been with my boyfriend 18 months but known eachother longer through academia . I'm getting mixed messages as he will blow extremely hot (asking me to marry him, wanting to ttc, telling me he cant wait for us to have a child and we have had unprotected sex as he said he wanted to get me pregnant) to him shutting down and refusing to discuss us even going for a day out or holiday and saying he's not sure he wants to live together. He's almost 50, never had a ltr. When I asked him he said when work is busy thinking about our relationship is on the back burner and because he had a prev bad relationship he said his guard is up and that's why he pulls away from me as he feels vulnerable as a man.

It's making me anxious and I've told him he can't keep messing with my feelings and he needs to have a think sbout what he wants. To be together properly and consistently or we need to split. I'm worried I've been OTT but honestly it's hard being promised one relationship and him trying to get me pregnant then a couple of weeks later being told he isn't sure it messes with my esteem and whilst breaking up would be hard his state of limbo is even worse. He says it's my fault we haven't moved forward as I could arrange things for us myself but I can't if he refuses to tell me whether he is free or wanting to go. He's had 20 failed relationships.

@Relationshiptroubles He's had 20 failed relationships.

Now you know why. Judging on all the gaslighting he's throwing at you and his lack of self reflection I suspect you're not going to be the lucky 21. Bin him asap and don't get pregnant (unless you want to be a single mother connected and to this tosser for the rest of your life).

I've told him if not back by tomorrow or no response telling me where they are ill have to report as stolen. You're right it would have cost nothing to tell me either it was sent or he still has and will return. Definitely being used as leverage. I'm happy 100% to have left but it has confirmed I'm right just to get out.

Well done OP, you can get a replacement certificate, I’ve done it recently. Don’t worry. Look at it as his final metaphorical attempt to steal your life. Silly, lonely, abusive bastard. Get yourself a treat tomorrow to celebrate his riddance.

Who is in charge of deciding whether or not you are over reacting about something? Who gets to make that decision? What rules are you following with regard to how you're supposed to respond to things?

Personally I would have sent an email (not a long one) stating why you have decided to break up and explicitly telling him that you want no further contact, then block, basically to protect you if any harassment happens. Police always want to see evidence of you expressing the other person to not contact you again and this guy sounds like a narcissist. They don’t accept loosing control and getting dumped.

www.gov.uk/order-copy-birth-death-marriage-certificate

Takes 10 minutes.

He has nothing you need. Block and move on.

He has a lot of narcissist traits (nothing I'd hid fault it's his ex, his boss etc, silent treatment if I express a problem after telling me I should have a problem as he is good to me and looks after me). He told me his colleagues scared of him and he burnt bridges at work. I tried giving benefit of doubt but my gut was always off. He does do nice things but he plays games too.

Trust your gut, always. Even if it's wrong, there's no point having a relationship who gives you a bad gut feeling, unless you want a relationship with someone who is lovely and wrecks your guts.

Good grief. “Vulnerable as a man”? Previous bad relationship boo hoo hoo? Tries to get you pregnant? Blames YOU for the relationship not moving forward? 20 failed relationships in 20 years? This is the mindset of the type of man who likes the idea of tying a woman down with a baby, but at the same time doesn’t want to be “trapped” in a LTR and keeps his options open in case he fancies a new woman. And nothing is ever his fault. And you’re asking yourself what HE wants not what you want.

Run, and don’t have unprotected sex in any relationship unless it’s a settled, happy, normal relationship, you have a home and plans for how you’ll look after a baby, and both of you really want a child.

No it's definitely done and I'll get replacement. How do I get over this? It sounds so pathetic. Its right to leave but thr heartache is shit.

How do I get over this?

I am a firm believer in forwards and upwards. Look back on the good times, acknowledge them. Remember why it ended and learn from it. Get your affairs in order and make sure you have all your possessions, paperwork etc sorted out (replaced if need be).

They move forwards, keep busy, get counselling if you think it will help, meet other people, take a short break somewhere, visit relatives. It all helps.

Well done on blocking him.

I'm with @QueenCamilla Innever understand the break up in person advice for awful people.

Who cares.

Once someone is awful you owe them absolutely NOTHING.

Much safer to send a text and be done with it.

Blocking if required.

The only thing you can do is wait, and be really really nice to yourself. Do lots of things that you love, lots of things that help. Minstrels and Netflix, country walks, shopping, talking to friends, writing it all down, whatever floats your boat.

Thanks for the help. I hate break ups but being with him just felt anxious all the time. I've been in similar situation before and no idea how I missed all the flags. I think I ignored them on purpose.

That sounds like a good observation. Did you have to ignore a parent's bad or dismissive behaviour whilst growing up? We usually learn this habit from somewhere. Nobody is born ignoring their feelings, and we don't just invent the concept for ourselves.

Yes I did with my parents lots of things. He sent me flowers. I'm ignoring but hard.

It is hard.

But you are a clever woman who knows you deserve so much better than this messer.

He's simply not good enough for you.

Keep him blocked.
Post anytime for support.
We are here for you.

Flowers are easy. 5 minutes online. Nothing has changed.

Did you think any more about doing a Clare's Law check on him?

Don't forget about the restraining order etc. He's not a good man.

True, but what could he do with the information he has?

Write a list of all his positive traits and negative. By the sounds of, his negative traits are bountiful.

You are not a person to him, you fulfil a role which he needs and because he's so toxic, keeps replacing the person in the role.
You deserve so much better.

Not that much unless he's a criminal interested in identity theft or involved with those sort of criminals.

OP just needs to keep an eye on her credit-score and that sort of thing if she's worried, which is good sense for anyone - she doesn't need to get the birth certificate back off him. I think staying away from him is of far more importance.

The BC is sorted the explaining the legalities must have helped there. True anyone can chuck money at something and 5 min of their time and it appear bigger than it is. I try and think of positives vs negatives but all the positives are things he says and never follows through or again things where opening his wallet then telling me how wonderful he is for doing so. I did put in clare law request.