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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So now I'm a sh*t parent and I took DS1 one with me to the shop to tell him "my version" of events......

89 replies

FAQ · 09/02/2008 16:33

apparently. Ok "sh*t parent" weren't his exact words - but he wasn't exactly nice with his comments about how I look after the DS's during the week.

Another big argument - this time with him shouting in my face and talking to me like I was 12yrs old (funny only last night he said I wasn't 12yrs old so didn't need to justify myself........).

Anyhow, after it was over DS1 was just about to burst into tears sat on the sofa (DS2 close behind) and when I gave him a hug and reassured him that we both love him lots he hugged me and sobbed.

Decided as I needed to go to the shop perhaps a walk would do him good and asked if he wanted to come - he did (DS2 opted to stay and watch "Gamer TV" on Bravo). On the way there and back we talked about alsorts of random things - including "fly cars", "bee cars" and "pea cars".

When I got back DH said "so you took DS1 with you to give him your version of events did you". Told him that I hadn't - but he didn't seem convinced.

Fine if he's going to call me a sh*t parent - but not right in front of DS2 and DS1

OP posts:
OLDroot · 09/02/2008 16:37

How old are your kids?

Original poster
FAQ · 09/02/2008 16:38

7,4 and 8 months (8 month old was asleep)

OP posts:
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 09/02/2008 16:39

What?

It isn't fine for him to call you any names at all!!

dittany · 09/02/2008 16:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

colditz · 09/02/2008 16:42

Your husband needs a heavy dose of "HOw very dare you speak to me like that"

He also need to remember that he may feel very angry with his wife, but you are also their mother, and the only version of events they will remember is the one they saw - their father screaming in their mother's face until they felt like crying.

Original poster
FAQ · 09/02/2008 16:43

I know it's not Nab but I put up with/ignore it most times when he does decide to call me "childish", "immature" etc etc - I'm sure if he'd said it out of ear shot of the DS's I would be be annoyed, but would have just ignored it. But knowing that the DS's heard him say basically that he dreads to think what it's like here in the week when I'm looking after them because I'm not very good at it really makes me and .

Especially given that he then accused me of trying to manipulate DS1 into my way of thinking........but it's ok for him to say that infront of them .

OP posts:
monkeytrousers · 09/02/2008 16:44

You both really need to stop doing that in front of your kids. Not on for both of you fgs!

Original poster
FAQ · 09/02/2008 16:46

I know colditz - I can't say I'm totally innocent with the shouting/screaming in his face thing - i've done it far too many times before (but not for a long time) and I did raise my voice. But I'd never dream of criticising him like that in front of them (usually my shouting and swearing is just a long string of "£$" %$£! £%*$£'s")

OP posts:
Original poster
FAQ · 09/02/2008 16:47

thanks for those wonderful words of wisdom MT

OP posts:
WezzleWoo · 09/02/2008 16:51

Hi FAQ, Sorry to see things don't seem to have improved much for you over the last couple of weeks.

(Referring to post re DHs tea and you having to pay rent if he had to cook!)

Agree with NAB shouldn't be calling you names at all (it's easy done though and I'm guilty of resorting to it myself during arguments) but in front of the kids is just not on.

He obviously knew that your ds was upset by the argument - so did he have the decency to apologise to him....and you for that matter?

misdee · 09/02/2008 16:52

when you off FAQ?

dualcylindercod · 09/02/2008 16:52

whya re you involving a kdi in your rows? you needt o agree NOT to row infornt of them

Original poster
FAQ · 09/02/2008 16:55

no apology to either of us (me I'm not surprised - he's never been one to actually "aplogise" after an argument) but I would have thought that an aplogy to DS1 wouldn't have been to hard.

Right now he's downstairs watching Rugby and the DS's are on the PS2 upstairs (fair enough not an uncommon situation). But so far today he's spent the grand total of approx 30 minutes actually playing/interacting with them.....tomorrow morning they'll be at church with me. So he'll just have tomorrow afternoon to spend some time with them then.

Not sure if it's dawned on him that apart from when he drops us at the coach station on Friday morning after Sunday evening he won't see DS1 until 2 weeks today (when we come back) and will only see DS2 for a few minutes between tomorrow night and 2 weeks today.....

OP posts:
Original poster
FAQ · 09/02/2008 16:59

actually I have strong views on arguing in front of children. While I prefer not argue in earshot at ALL (and that includes evenings when they're in bed). Given that I still to this day worry about whether my dad ever hit my mum when they were having arguments "out of the way of the children" (but where we could still hear them) it may be an odd, and quite probably strongly discouraged but I prefer that if we do argue it's in front of them. Then they can see what is happening as well.

I strongly suspect that at my dad hit my mum on more than one occasions, but she refuses to say "his temper has been under control for years now so not important" (true but it doesn't stop me thinking about it).

Misdee - Friday morning - not soon enough

OP posts:
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 09/02/2008 17:01

I didn't really understand your post about what it is like during the week.

dualcylindercod · 09/02/2008 17:01

sorry i have to disagree
in the room or out of it kids are PROFDUNDLY traumatise by rows( am nto saying a " oh fgs dh cant oyu buy the right beans" row - a real row)

evidence i have seen professinalyl llinks t parental rowing to a HUGE range of future upsets

you must NOT

dualcylindercod · 09/02/2008 17:02

adn this IS even true for babies under one eyar old.

Original poster
FAQ · 09/02/2008 17:07

cod - I'm 28 (nearly 29) now - the huge arguments out of the room stopped when I was about 11........I still think about it reguarly (and I'm talking 2/3 times a week), I can still picture where my DB and I were at the time, and remember what they were arguing about!. The (rare) arguments that they had in the room I just remember that they argued, have no idea what over/whereabouts.

I know it's against professional advice (and like I said I'd prefer it if we didn't argue at all!) but given the memories I still have of those "out of the way of the children" arguments if they're going to happen I'd rather my children see it (they're going to hear everyword anyhow!).

I really don't want to argue about that right now.

Nab - what I mean is that because of DH's working hours he never sees DS1 from Sunday evening until Saturday morning, DS2 he only sees for about 1-2hrs in the same time periods (and then he's usually busy with work stuff), and DS3 simlar. Weekends are the only time he actually gets a chance to talk/play/interact with them.

I'm going to be away next weekend - so he's not going to see the DS's for 2 weeks (apart from a short time in the car to drop us off to catch the coach).

OP posts:
Original poster
FAQ · 09/02/2008 17:09

great so I come onto MN because I'm upset about the way DH talked about me in our argument this morning for just a little bit of support (given that my parents are out and I can't get hold of any of my RL friends) and I just get told (again) what a sh*t parent I am

Thanks

OP posts:
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 09/02/2008 17:09

I get it now. he is saying to the children that he dreads to think how you manage in the week????

This man is a bully and you need to seriously think if he is the kind of man you want in your childrens and your life. (sorry for being bossy)

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 09/02/2008 17:10

YOU ARE NOT A SHIT PARENT!!

If you were, you wouldn't care what your children are seeing.

Original poster
FAQ · 09/02/2008 17:11

no he said it to me - but in full ear shot (and sight) of them, while standing over me (not hard I'm 5ft, he's 6ft 2) leaning towards me pointing his finger

OP posts:
Original poster
FAQ · 09/02/2008 17:12

obviously I am if not only do I argue with DH so that the boys can hear it, but I prefer (because of personal experience) that if we do argue that they are in the room to actually see what is going on.

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 09/02/2008 17:13

Do you think you can reach a way of being together that you're both happy with, FAQ? Has he backed off with feeding DS3? Do you like him? Does he like you?

Lulumama · 09/02/2008 17:13

you are not shit

and i think although your children witnessing a row is not a good thing, i don;t think that seeing the odd one, is going to make them hideously dysfunctional adults.

yes, of course everyone knows it is not on to row in front of the DCs but sometimes, events overtake you

weird DH thinks you would try to twist DSs mind against him. he is a bit paranoid , non?

if DH cannot take steps to manage his temper better, then maybe this time apart will be a good thing.

and i cannot believe i am older than you !