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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So now I'm a sh*t parent and I took DS1 one with me to the shop to tell him "my version" of events......

89 replies

FAQ · 09/02/2008 16:33

apparently. Ok "sh*t parent" weren't his exact words - but he wasn't exactly nice with his comments about how I look after the DS's during the week.

Another big argument - this time with him shouting in my face and talking to me like I was 12yrs old (funny only last night he said I wasn't 12yrs old so didn't need to justify myself........).

Anyhow, after it was over DS1 was just about to burst into tears sat on the sofa (DS2 close behind) and when I gave him a hug and reassured him that we both love him lots he hugged me and sobbed.

Decided as I needed to go to the shop perhaps a walk would do him good and asked if he wanted to come - he did (DS2 opted to stay and watch "Gamer TV" on Bravo). On the way there and back we talked about alsorts of random things - including "fly cars", "bee cars" and "pea cars".

When I got back DH said "so you took DS1 with you to give him your version of events did you". Told him that I hadn't - but he didn't seem convinced.

Fine if he's going to call me a sh*t parent - but not right in front of DS2 and DS1

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 09/02/2008 17:14

He's a bully, FAQ. Out and out bully.

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 09/02/2008 17:15

I think it is more important that children see you making up and talking things through if they do happen to hear you having a row.

Original poster
FAQ · 09/02/2008 17:16

I don't know HM. Tonight will be the first test of if he's backed off - as the last incident was last weekend and as he's not here to feed him during the week dinner tonight will be the first test.

I don't know if he likes me.

I think I like him (when he's not being a complete fckwit arehole). I'm hoping my week away will give me time to think about it....

OP posts:
Original poster
FAQ · 09/02/2008 17:17

shall be back later - need to get dinner on the go........

OP posts:
Mercy · 09/02/2008 17:21

FAQ, have you name-changed recently? (don't have to answer obviously)

I'm sorry - I had no idea you were going through this. Is this something new or has it been going on for a while?

misdee · 09/02/2008 17:25

what has he been doing with feeding ds3?

god FAQ i really hope the break away clears your head and guives you some much needed breathing space.

LaDiDaDi · 09/02/2008 17:31

I don't think that it's necessarily a bad thing for children to hear their parents argue, if they witness a dosagreement being resolved and the adults being friends again then this can be a good learning experience for them.

I do however think that it's not on for your dh to speak to you in front of the children in such a manner nor for you to argue about the children/parenting in front of them.

Hope you are able to sort things out.

monkeytrousers · 09/02/2008 20:28

Sorry FAQ, hope you sort it all out

Original poster
FAQ · 09/02/2008 20:59

don't worry MT - just didn't need comments like yours at that particular time

Just popping on for a few minutes - DH has just announced he wants to use the computer this evening (can't really complain I do hog it 7 nights a week usually).

HM - DS3 had 4 of those mini yoghurts (wasn't much fussed with his dinner - think he may not like anything with tinned tomatoes in. I fed him and he sat there mouth wide open waiting for each spoonful - DH just wandered off into the kitchen and pretended to be busy doing something HAHA

Mercy - I was FarcicalAlienQueen and before that QueenOfQuotes (and variations), and also Fannyannie.

Right better go.........

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 10/02/2008 13:29

How are you today, FAQ?

Original poster
FAQ · 10/02/2008 13:42

not too bad.....nearly burst into tears in church this morning - was all about "choices" and how often in life it's like you're in the middle of a maze with big high walls, with no map and no idea which is the right direction........talk about hitting home hard!

Just been "told off" because I "didn't bother to remind DH that I was going out at 2.30" "he's not got a copy of my diary"

FFS - I told him on Thursday (so only a few days ago) that I was going out - he said he wasn't needing to go do anything this afternoon so it was fine. Didn't think I needed to tell him AGAIN (especially given that he has no plans.....)

Anyhow got to leave in 1/2hr and have stuff to do - thanks for asking though

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 10/02/2008 13:50

Oh, sweetheart

He's got to work out why he feels the need to overpower you - to be in charge.

And you've got to work out whether you're prepared to wait until he works it out.

Original poster
FAQ · 10/02/2008 20:36

I know - I don't know if I'm prepared to wait or not

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 10/02/2008 20:48

I thought he'd got better towards the end of your pg with DS3 - but he's lapsing again, isn't he?

Will you go to Relate?

Original poster
FAQ · 10/02/2008 20:53

I though things had improved from the end of my pg with DS3, right up until after Christmas...but it's become quite evident that while his attitude may have looked different - it was actually the same underneath.

All it took was one row (first we'd had since before we nearly split up last year) for him to reveal it.

I don't know - at the moment I'm thinking that when I get back he has the option of going to Relate....or splitting up. I can't go on like it is now.

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 10/02/2008 20:55

I hope the break from each other clarifies things for you both - one way or the other. It's not a kind, healthy way to live as you are - I hope you can find something you're both happy with. You know where I am if you need a rant, OK?

Original poster
FAQ · 10/02/2008 20:57

thanks HM

TBH I'm not sure he's going to do much thinking - his attitude about it so far is that "I" have to decide what I want to do.......I don't think he's really bothered either way .

And you know what - when I was out this afternoon the DS's were playing upstairs, he was downstairs. I did their bath tonight, and supervised dinner, and put them to bed........obviously hasn't even thought about the fact that it's going to be 2 weeks until he next sees them for more the 1hr....

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 10/02/2008 20:59

That's really sad, FAQ Do you think he might be depressed?

Original poster
FAQ · 10/02/2008 21:01

I don't think so. It's not a totally uncommon pattern for Sunday afternoons (quite normal and has been for AGES) - but I thought he may have made a little bit more of an effort seeing as though we're going away at the end of the week.

DS's weren't really bothered (thankfully)

OP posts:
Lulumama · 10/02/2008 21:04

do you think he is in denial that you will actually go? that somehow, if he pretends it is not happening, then you it will not happen, and he won;t have to address how things are?

Original poster
FAQ · 10/02/2008 21:07

perhaps Lulu. Last year when we nearly split up (I had a house ready to move to) it was right at the last minute that he decided that we'd go to Relate......and we did for the one session.

We should have gone for more, but time, money, pg, work etc meant that we didn't. But it really felt like we'd made some progress after just that one session - but in reality we appear to be at exactly the same place we were a year ago (well apart from the fact I've managed to put a cap on my temper and rarely flip out properly over stuff, and even when I do I've not even come close to slapping/throwing a punch at him).

Right now if we did go for more sessions I can't see him ever admitting that he's at fault in any shape or form - and if he can't do that I can't see how we can improve things.

OP posts:
Dior · 10/02/2008 21:09

Message withdrawn

Lulumama · 10/02/2008 21:09

so he pushes things to the absolute limit and then 'gives in' , and feels like the big man?

how do you feel?

do you want to work at things and make it better ? if he doesn;t and you don;t , then not a lot of point really..

sounds like a miserable time all round

Original poster
FAQ · 10/02/2008 21:15

possibly Lulu - I don't know what's going through his head.

I'm not sure how I feel. I'm swinging from "we have to split" to "if only we could work things out with the help of Relate then we may have a future still".

I've been working hard (perhaps not hard enough??) for the last year. Our arguments used to be very frequent (too frequent) and I used to toally lose the plot during all of them. Screaming, shouting, swearing, slapping him, door slamming - the works. But I haven't done that (well I've done a bit of the shouting and swearing during the 2/3 arguments we've had in the last 3 weeks) at all until these recent arguments.

It's been hard for me to do that as I've ALWAYS flipped my lid when really angry/upset for as long as I can remember. Was never proud of it but it just happened. Now it doesn't (which I feel better about). But knowing that I've worked on it for him (my outbursts have never been directed straight at the DS's - only DH) and that he says I "haven't changed as I'm still getting angry just not shouting/swearing/etc" makes me feel really and .

OP posts:
Lulumama · 10/02/2008 21:23

sounds like you have made great strides in controlling your temper, whereas DH is not. and is still pointing the finger.

i think you have reached a point where you need outsied help from an unbiased 3rd party , for more than one session to work this through

hopefully time apart will help clear your mind

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