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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So now I'm a sh*t parent and I took DS1 one with me to the shop to tell him "my version" of events......

89 replies

FAQ · 09/02/2008 16:33

apparently. Ok "sh*t parent" weren't his exact words - but he wasn't exactly nice with his comments about how I look after the DS's during the week.

Another big argument - this time with him shouting in my face and talking to me like I was 12yrs old (funny only last night he said I wasn't 12yrs old so didn't need to justify myself........).

Anyhow, after it was over DS1 was just about to burst into tears sat on the sofa (DS2 close behind) and when I gave him a hug and reassured him that we both love him lots he hugged me and sobbed.

Decided as I needed to go to the shop perhaps a walk would do him good and asked if he wanted to come - he did (DS2 opted to stay and watch "Gamer TV" on Bravo). On the way there and back we talked about alsorts of random things - including "fly cars", "bee cars" and "pea cars".

When I got back DH said "so you took DS1 with you to give him your version of events did you". Told him that I hadn't - but he didn't seem convinced.

Fine if he's going to call me a sh*t parent - but not right in front of DS2 and DS1

OP posts:
Original poster
FAQ · 10/02/2008 21:25

I hope so Lulu -

DS2 makes me smile every morning when he gets up, and again just before bed. You can guarantee the first thing he'll say when he comes downstairs in the morning will be

"4 more sleeps" and then will repeat it before bed.........I can't tell you though how long those 4 days feel like

OP posts:
Lulumama · 10/02/2008 21:42

best of luck xx

colditz · 10/02/2008 22:18

FAQ the point5 of anger management is Not to stop you getting angry - that's not anger management, it's repression, is unhealthy, and if your husband is demanding this of you then he is asking you to risk your mental health so he won't have to listen to something he would rather not hear.

The point of asking someone to go to anger management is to control their violent, aggressive or destructive impulses. Your husband seems to believe anger management therapy can be used as some sort of gag.

If you are merely getting angry, you to not have an anger 'problem', you have a relationship 'problem'.

Original poster
FAQ · 10/02/2008 22:22

I did have an anger problem - I'd lash out and get hysterically angry/upset very quickly, very often . I don't anymore (god it feels good ).

He seems to think that because I don't react in the way I used to but still get angry/upset about things that I haven't changed at all

OP posts:
colditz · 10/02/2008 22:26

It certainly sounds like you had an anger problem - but you don't now. And you have the right to be angry, just not the right to behave badly because of it. It sounds like he feels you shouldn't be allowed to be angry, because he doesn't like it.

onebatmother · 10/02/2008 22:43

Could it be that he's angry that you've stopped lashing out, FAQ? In a kind of co-dependent way iyswim?

Sorry things are not good.

madamez · 10/02/2008 22:55

You are not a shit parent. I have seen some of yoru other threads, your partner is abusive. He's a bully and he's not going to improve. You are not your mother and you don't have to stick it out for the sake of the children: it's worse for them to see you being constantly bullied than for them to have separated parents who can be civil to eadh other.

shabster · 10/02/2008 22:58

FAQ run like the feckin wind in the opposite direction from him. I have put up with similar stuff for 29 years of my 30 yr marriage.

Tells me I am ugly, fat, lazy, useless etc etc. He has short temper whereas I brood and sulk. The day after he will say I didnt mean it but its too late then.

Cause of massive bereavements in our family I always think that I cant leave because that is unfair to him.

If I could tell you one thing it would be RUN and make a new life for yourself and your children.

We are not here, on this earth, for a long time we are here for a good time - Go ASAP

colditz · 10/02/2008 23:00

It's fairly common for abusive partners to demand that the other partner goes to councelling/anger management/the doctor/psychiatrist. What they are really saying is "I am doing nothing wrong, don't you dare raise any issues against me, you must be a lunatic!"

You have to be a lunatic, you see - if you were rational, he would actually have to listen to you or be open to accusations of irrational behavior himself.

Original poster
FAQ · 10/02/2008 23:00

things is madamez - he hasn't always been a bully.......he's turned into one and I'm not 100% convinced that with the right support (ie Relate or similar) that he couldn't change back to how he was.

My dad used to be a bully - but although he's still a pr*t (he can't help it think he was born like it) he's no longer a bully in the slightest (if anything he's recently gone too far the other way - he's doing too much for my mum).

OP posts:
colditz · 10/02/2008 23:03

It's also common-and-garden abusive behavior to refuse point blank to discuss the past.

Original poster
FAQ · 10/02/2008 23:05

I did stop him (briefly) in his tracks earlier this evening. We were disagreeing about somethig (can't remember what now). He started patronising me again and I turned round and sharply said to him "do you dare to speak to me like that".

His response "what are you my mother"

me: "no. and you're not my father so don't talk to me like you are"

Just thinking about it now and I've realised that he huffed about a little.....but the argument pretty much slowed to a snails pace and filted out as I went off to bath the DS's.

OP posts:
shabster · 10/02/2008 23:05

FAQ - you sound like I have always sounded.

Believe me there is no reason for a man, or a woman, to talk to their partner like this.

Please find help and go.

Anyone looking in on this conversation who has not experienced it will have no idea what is going on. I know how you feel.

My husband used to say 'no one will ever want you because........and list a million things' Now he has loads of health problems and needs me here. I had a 4th DS 10 years ago and now there really is no escape.

Think about you and your children - my firstborn DS is now a grown man and determined not to be like his dad to his partner. For that alone I will be eternally grateful.

Dont make excuses for his behaviour - IT IS NOT NORMAL

colditz · 10/02/2008 23:07

In hindsight, maybe the term 'abusive' is a little loaded in this situation - it summons an image of a battered and sobbing wife.

Controlling sounds more apt.

Original poster
FAQ · 10/02/2008 23:08

I know it's not normal in the slightest. But a (big?) part of me thinks that if we'd stuck at the Relate sessions last year that things could have improved. Maybe I'm just deluding myself - I don't know. But I think I want to give Relate a PROPER go (as opposed to just the one session) before throwing in the towel.

OP posts:
colditz · 10/02/2008 23:09

It could well have improved, and I honestly think you should go back. Ex and I have an amicable arrangemnt now, in part due to Relate before we split.

Original poster
FAQ · 10/02/2008 23:10

It's just a matter of whether he'll agree to it.........

OP posts:
shabster · 10/02/2008 23:16

My husband used to beat the crap out of me until one night.

My DS1 was about 15 (so 11 years ago) husband came home and started his normal routine with me. DS1 came downstairs and told his dad to stop. Husband went to hit my lovely lovely firstborn.

Before he could I hit my lad I punched him with all my might - not big, or clever but my first reaction.

Husband hit the floor and was gasping for breath because I had hit him in his chest. I hoped he would die - yes I know out of control behaviour.

He has NEVER raised his hand to any of our children since. If he ever did anything like that again he would be the most sorry person on gods earth.

I am sorry to go on and on and sound like someone off the Jeremy Kyle show. I am not posh but I am intelligent and try to keep a clean house. I KNOW I am an ace mum and I will NEVER tolerate this rubbish again.

Original poster
FAQ · 10/02/2008 23:17

DH isn't violent towards me. Apart from restraining me by holding my arms when I used to try and lash out of him he's not laid a finger on me.

OP posts:
shabster · 10/02/2008 23:20

FAQ - I am just trying to let you know how bad it can be.

Take care of yourself and your children. Remember you dont have to put up with any rubbish.

I am always around on Mumsnet if you need to talk.

Hold your head up high and cuddle and love your babies. xxxxxxxxxxx

colditz · 10/02/2008 23:20

Go on your own FAQ.

Original poster
FAQ · 10/02/2008 23:22

Thanks shabster (and everyone else) . Don't worry if he so much as raised a hand towards me I'd be out of the door (with the DS's) in a shot without even looking back.

Anyhow, I've nearly finished my cider champagne and am going to have an early night.

Shall no doubt be back tomorrow with more complaints

OP posts:
Original poster
FAQ · 10/02/2008 23:23

Go on my own where Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
FAQ · 12/02/2008 09:43

oh god this is getting ridiculous now! Last night DS3 slept through, REALLY slept through - usual is 8pm until between 4 and 5.30am......this morning it was 8pm until 7.23am . I got to stay in bed .

However.......(yes of course there had to be didn't there.....) DH has just got up and after asking me what time he got up said

"next time he lets you have a sleep why don't you let other people sleep too"

I was genuinely bemused by this comment, but it was soon clarified - I was apparently

"bouncing around all over the bed disturbing him for hours".

Told him (again - as this has crept up before) that I'm not CONSCIOUS of the fact that I'm tossing and turning....(but I do try and avoid the issue occurring by going to bed quite late - so that there's less chance of me reaching that stage in my sleep before DS3 wakes up). He said that I often do it on purpose WTF??? Told him (again) that I didn't and told him that he should just wake me up if I'm like that as it more than likely means I've had enough sleep. I don't know what I do in my sleep, and he doesn't know what he does in his sleep.

We left it there and I came upstairs......only for him to come up and says to me

"what so those times you've been bouncing around to wake me up when I'm snoring weren't deliberate then"

Well of COURSE they sodding were - but I was awake and CONSCIOUS of that fact I was doing it! When I'm tossing and turning in my sleep I DON'T KNOW!

As he went downstairs I told him that he just didn't want to admit he was wrong sometimes.......said that I know I'm SOMETIMES to blame - but not always......of course I got no reply.

So - instead of being all nice and happy and pleased that DS3 had a lovely long sleep, the other 2 DS's have been little stars this morning etc etc I'm not p*ssed off.

OP posts:
WallOfSilence · 12/02/2008 10:48

You know what?

He's a big bullying control freak.

He is picking on you about everything, the way a bully in school will pick things out & elaborate on them & make you feel shit.. he's doing that to you!

if I were you I would go & see about a flat again, or make him find somewhere.. there's no way anyone should have to put up with this crap.

Oh, and about you saying you saw your parents fight... I saw mine too.. and I heard him calling her names, don't let your kids hear stuff like that.

You're not a shit parent, but you know you should be protecting your children from this mans bullying ways. I may be defeatest but I wouldn't even give him another chance. Someone who treats you like that doesn't love you...is merely putting up with you.