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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner upset I went out

96 replies

Harpori29 · 23/02/2023 00:59

Hi all, AIBU? Am I overthinking things? What do you think

my partner (been together many years and have kids) is mad that I went to the gym yesterday. We are active gym goers since before having kids (him much more than me) and now the kids are in school I’ve taken the chance to get back into it.

usually when I drop them in school I quickly go for a 1 hour workout then come home and clean/cook/spend time with my partner. He’s usually back from work just after I get back from gym.

I’ve found it difficult recently to really get into a routine as I’m just constantly cooking/doings things at home and spending time with my partner now we finally get some time without kids. I really love and enjoy spending time with him as we were extremely distant the last few years.

Tuesday he was off work until evening, usually like that a few days a week. He always wants me to be home with him which I love but I really wanted to just do a quick workout and get in a routine - I still would have had 4 hours to spend with him before the kids finished school. He was sleeping in bed and I asked him if he’d be annoyed if I went gym and he replied ‘just make it quick’. So I dropped the kids at school and made my way. On the bus I got a message from him asking ‘so what decision did you make, gym or home?’. That bothered me as he knew I was going gym and makes it seem like I’m choosing gym over looking after my home?

anyways he told me it’s fine and to go. I ended up being 2.5hours before I got home as I had to walk to bus stop, wait for bus and spend 25 mins on bus there and back (so it’s not as straightforward as a 1 hour workout). On my way back I bumped into a neighbour who has really wanted to talk to me so we chatted for about 30 mins. Admittedly I didn’t want to spend that long talking but I couldn’t be rude either! So when I got back home I instantly went to him (which he was still lying in bed on his phone) and I was very happy and said hello 5 TIMES in which he completely ignored me and acted like I wasn’t standing there.

long story short he was mad that I was gone so long and was in a mood and just started being annoying and causing issues that were unnecessary. It’s been like that for 2 days now, he hasn’t spent time with me since (we usually spend evenings together watching tv, cuddling etc) he’s just giving me the cold shoulder.

tonight he’s come home 1.5hours late (didn’t come back till nearly 12am! I called and he refused to tell me where he’s been. I messaged checking up asking if he’s ok and he replied ‘no, you’re horrible’…. He come home and basically blamed everything on me when I know I genuinely haven’t done anything wrong.

he then told me the issue is you went gym when I was at home (and then proceeded to list other things he’s got an issue with) but really THAT is the issue that has caused everythinf.

I don’t do ANYTHING. I’m a stay at home mom, work part time from home, don’t have any friends, just at home 24/7. He sees me all day, I still would have had 4 hours to spend with him.

am I overreacting? I’m frustrated cause I just wanted to get in a good routine to workout a few times a week. Bearing in mind his work schedule keeps changing and some weeks he’s home many mornings so if I don’t go gym when he’s home then I’d only be able to go 1/2 times a week.

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 23/02/2023 01:03

Jesus.

No, you are not overreacting. Your husband is being controlling

Fraaahnces · 23/02/2023 01:05

Sulking, controlling man-babies are so unattractive

MsPavlichenko · 23/02/2023 01:06

He’s a controlling abusive man. Google the Freedom Programme.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/02/2023 01:08

The only issue is that you're not angry enough.

aloris · 23/02/2023 01:17

This has the feel that you're his toy that needs to be kept in the box so you're available to play when he wants. If you go out and do things on your own schedule, that might not match his schedule, then you're not available when he has the whim to do things with you. You probably need to nip this in the bud.

My husband is a bit like this in the sense that now he's working from home, he makes the assumption I'm always around if he wants company: to eat lunch, to go for a walk, to chat, etc. It takes a little self-motivation for me to remove myself from that mindset and to eat lunch at the time that makes sense for ME, to go OUT when I need to go out, or to say "no" to a walk when he wants to walk, because I have to run an errand or want to do a different kind of exercise or something. But my husband never calls me "horrible" if I decline to do something with him or if I go out unannounced. He knows my schedule is my own.

savethatkitty · 23/02/2023 01:17

My God, he's an A grade wanker!

You've done nothing wrong.

HeddaGarbled · 23/02/2023 01:21

You need to get a job outside the house. This isn’t healthy.

Original poster
Harpori29 · 23/02/2023 01:22

Not to mention I just asked where he was tonight and he replied ‘it’s none of your business’.

fair enough, yet he has a problem with me going for a workout KNOWING where I am :/

OP posts:
alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 23/02/2023 01:23

You are under reacting. He's a controlling arsehole, and you need to open your eyes to that. This is not a healthy dynamic, you are a person in your own right, your so-called partner has no right to dictate to you like this.

MermaidMummy06 · 23/02/2023 01:33

I'd go so far as to call it coercive control - a HUGE thing being addressed in my country right now.

Any time your partner tries to control you, even using non violent methods, like sulking, refusing to talk to you, financial or time guilt, to get you to comply, is coercive.

Often we don't even recognize it because it's not violent. After all the publicity, I've realised a now former friend was/is in a coercive control relationship. Unfortunately, she has no life outside their family now and doesn't even realise she's been controlled and is still abused. He can do/spend whatever he likes, but she's conditioned to do what HE wants her to do, through sulking, guilt, and manipulation (including financial and what she does). It's an insidious, often unseen form of abuse.

Just look it up to be aware. Hopefully I'm wrong.

Danskekat · 23/02/2023 01:45

Is this behaviour typical of your husband? If so, it does sound controlling. If not, is there something else going on perhaps. Is he worried about something that he doesn’t know how to talk about and it is manifesting as this?

PatientlyWaiting21 · 23/02/2023 01:46

This is a very unhealthy relationship

BananaCocktails · 23/02/2023 01:48

Goodness gracious, he sounds like a big child. A huge immature sulky manchild

you are entitled to do things for yourself, i.e. go to the gym .
have you suggested that he go to the gym with you? He sounds really lazy
tell him that you love spending time with him, but you also want to go to the gym and do something for yourself too, and he shouldn’t equate that as you not wanting to spend time with him
you can’t live your life just for him he is not your child, nor is he an extension of you. You should both have separate elements to your lives. That’s how good relationships work.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/02/2023 02:02

I agree it fits the definition of coercive control. You’re under reacting to this quite abusive behaviour.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 23/02/2023 02:08

I don’t do ANYTHING. I’m a stay at home mom, work part time from home, don’t have any friends, just at home 24/7. He sees me all day, I still would have had 4 hours to spend with him.

That's not a partnership, it;s a jail sentence.

Did you have friends before you started cohabiting with him?

WentForAWalk · 23/02/2023 02:13

Urgh. He's controlling and abusive. Not a healthy relationship at all.

Are you allowed to do other things outside the home ?

Eyerollcentral · 23/02/2023 02:35

Harpori29 · 23/02/2023 01:22

Not to mention I just asked where he was tonight and he replied ‘it’s none of your business’.

fair enough, yet he has a problem with me going for a workout KNOWING where I am :/

You have no life aside from him and you aren’t even married. Get out asap. He is completely controlling. It’s not normal.

Zanatdy · 23/02/2023 06:43

God this is awful. So he wants you to spend every single minute you have with him. It’s not good you even had to ask him ‘will you be annoyed if I go to the gym?’. He’s not your parent. I couldn’t be in a relationship with a man like this. Relationships shouldn’t be about controlling your partner and guilt tripping them into certain things, and then giving them the silent treatment when you’re not happy with them. The father of my DC used to give me the silent treatment, once for 6wks! I’d never ever be with a huh like that again

America12 · 23/02/2023 06:49

This is a really bad example of controlling behaviour. Controlling and coercive behaviour is illegal.
This is not a good relationship. Only you can decide what to do.
I know it's easier said than done but I couldn't live like this.

Mummadeze · 23/02/2023 06:52

Who does he think he is. Please try to get a job and some independence. He is sulking so that you don’t dare do your own thing again but that is no kind of life.

Wonderland19 · 23/02/2023 06:57

This really isn't healthy it's actually really abusive. It's also not a good example of a relationship to set to your children.

Why should you not go to the gym in the morning? He could easily have been out of bed and ready to have gone for lunch together or a coffee? If he was that bothered about spending time with you?

What did HE do to make the time special? Or did he just expect you to put in all the effort?

Sindonym · 23/02/2023 07:00

Gosh this is awful. What would happen if one day you said you were meeting a friend for coffee during those 4 hours?

Is he your children’s father? I’m just asking because he doesn’t sound very involved with the kids.

wingingiteveryday · 23/02/2023 07:01

ALL the red flags. Sorry this is happening to you, abuse doesn't have to be physical.

watchfulwishes · 23/02/2023 07:01

This is controlling behaviour.

Sorry op but he sounds dreadful Flowers

pilates · 23/02/2023 07:10

Tell him to grow the fuck up. Seriously, you need to have a chat that you are finding his controlling behaviour unreasonable.