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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner upset I went out

96 replies

Harpori29 · 23/02/2023 00:59

Hi all, AIBU? Am I overthinking things? What do you think

my partner (been together many years and have kids) is mad that I went to the gym yesterday. We are active gym goers since before having kids (him much more than me) and now the kids are in school I’ve taken the chance to get back into it.

usually when I drop them in school I quickly go for a 1 hour workout then come home and clean/cook/spend time with my partner. He’s usually back from work just after I get back from gym.

I’ve found it difficult recently to really get into a routine as I’m just constantly cooking/doings things at home and spending time with my partner now we finally get some time without kids. I really love and enjoy spending time with him as we were extremely distant the last few years.

Tuesday he was off work until evening, usually like that a few days a week. He always wants me to be home with him which I love but I really wanted to just do a quick workout and get in a routine - I still would have had 4 hours to spend with him before the kids finished school. He was sleeping in bed and I asked him if he’d be annoyed if I went gym and he replied ‘just make it quick’. So I dropped the kids at school and made my way. On the bus I got a message from him asking ‘so what decision did you make, gym or home?’. That bothered me as he knew I was going gym and makes it seem like I’m choosing gym over looking after my home?

anyways he told me it’s fine and to go. I ended up being 2.5hours before I got home as I had to walk to bus stop, wait for bus and spend 25 mins on bus there and back (so it’s not as straightforward as a 1 hour workout). On my way back I bumped into a neighbour who has really wanted to talk to me so we chatted for about 30 mins. Admittedly I didn’t want to spend that long talking but I couldn’t be rude either! So when I got back home I instantly went to him (which he was still lying in bed on his phone) and I was very happy and said hello 5 TIMES in which he completely ignored me and acted like I wasn’t standing there.

long story short he was mad that I was gone so long and was in a mood and just started being annoying and causing issues that were unnecessary. It’s been like that for 2 days now, he hasn’t spent time with me since (we usually spend evenings together watching tv, cuddling etc) he’s just giving me the cold shoulder.

tonight he’s come home 1.5hours late (didn’t come back till nearly 12am! I called and he refused to tell me where he’s been. I messaged checking up asking if he’s ok and he replied ‘no, you’re horrible’…. He come home and basically blamed everything on me when I know I genuinely haven’t done anything wrong.

he then told me the issue is you went gym when I was at home (and then proceeded to list other things he’s got an issue with) but really THAT is the issue that has caused everythinf.

I don’t do ANYTHING. I’m a stay at home mom, work part time from home, don’t have any friends, just at home 24/7. He sees me all day, I still would have had 4 hours to spend with him.

am I overreacting? I’m frustrated cause I just wanted to get in a good routine to workout a few times a week. Bearing in mind his work schedule keeps changing and some weeks he’s home many mornings so if I don’t go gym when he’s home then I’d only be able to go 1/2 times a week.

OP posts:
DutifulDaughterWifeMother · 23/02/2023 07:19

Hey OP, you sound lovely he is coming across as controlling. What I don’t understand is why you both didn’t take the kids to school and go to the gym together if it’s something you both have always been into? Remember you are an equal in this partnership and at the minute it doesn’t come across as such and nor should you be having to ask if it is ok if you go. He sounds like he his literally throwing his toys out of the pram. The first thing you need to do is stop trying to pacify him, that is what he wants. He is not a child but a grown man. Leave him to sulk & when that throws him completely be serious and tell him you need to have a serious conversation with him. Be calm but firm as you would when explaining to your children what is & isn’t acceptable. He needs to be stopped in his tracks & told you did nothing wrong by going to the gym, in fact ask him why you couldn’t have gone together & maybe gone for lunch after. Why has he felt it acceptable to ignore you & behave like he did. This conversation will tell you everything you need to know about him. He will be wanting you trying to make it up to him & when you don’t you may just see the real him. He can go either one of 2 ways, he can get defensive and blame you for all this or he might just see that how he is behaving is unacceptable and unfair on you. He is playing mind games with you and you need to be brave & call him out on it. You need to take a firm stand and he needs to see that you are more than capable of calling out such behaviour. Remember you are an equal & need to be treated as such. Your needs are just as important as his. Good luck 🤞🏼 you can do this.

Hallmark1234 · 23/02/2023 07:22
  1. Carry on going to the gym when it suits you
  2. Don't ask if it's ok for you to go, just tell him you're going
  3. Ignore his sulking and moods and don't try to appease him
ItchyBillco · 23/02/2023 07:23

You’re under reacting. He’s an abusive, controlling cunt.

He’s punishing you heavily so that you don’t ‘step out of line’ again. He wants you to have no life and he is threatened by you doing something for yourself, like the gym.

Look hard at this relationship. What else does he do?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/02/2023 07:24

I would start firming up plans to leave this man as soon as possible. He knows what he is doing here re you and does not care.

Calling him out on this could well put your personal safety at risk so you need to be careful.

Banchory · 23/02/2023 07:27

You need a job and you need to look at leaving.

LookingOldTheseDays · 23/02/2023 07:28

MsPavlichenko · 23/02/2023 01:06

He’s a controlling abusive man. Google the Freedom Programme.

I second this advice.

This is no way to live. Never able to go out and socialise, go to the gym, pursue a hobby? For the sake of your future, you need to leave.

Peckhaminn · 23/02/2023 07:35

OP, he is hugely controlling and manipulative. Has it always been this way?!

PaigeMatthews · 23/02/2023 07:39

Holy shit no you are not unreasonable. He is controlling and this treatment is abusive. And he was still in bed? Was he annoyed you were not there for sex?

what were the other things he was complaining about.

StarsSand · 23/02/2023 07:52

This is unhealthy.

Get a job outside the home, increase your work hours, make friends outside your marriage and reconnect with friends you used to have.

He sounds controlling and your life sounds like it's been made deliberately small.

Fififafa · 23/02/2023 07:53

As PP have said this man is controlling you. All those massive red flags. Even the way you write about the “clock watching” and specify the 30 minutes you spent talking to your friend (when you shouldn’t have been). Do you think this is a healthy relationship? What do you get out of this relationship?

piedbeauty · 23/02/2023 08:00

Danskekat · 23/02/2023 01:45

Is this behaviour typical of your husband? If so, it does sound controlling. If not, is there something else going on perhaps. Is he worried about something that he doesn’t know how to talk about and it is manifesting as this?

There is NO excuse for behaving like this. Don't make excuses for him.

gamerchick · 23/02/2023 08:06

He's abusing you and you're letting him. Tell him to fuck right off. If he does the silent treatment then fab, tell him you'll see him when he's grown up and get yourself out. Just ignore the daft twat and do what you want. Stop checking up.

What you need to do is get rid of him but I know you won't.

Fififafa · 23/02/2023 09:06

@gamerchick Bit harsh and she should get rid of him but she has said….
“I don’t do ANYTHING. I’m a stay at home mom, work part time from home, don’t have any friends, just at home 24/7”

I’m guessing it is going to be tough to leave him or make him leave, it might even put OP in danger.
Sounds like she relies on him financially, maybe financially abusing her as well and he is coercively controlling her.
Her best bet is to speak to Women’s Aid and plan a way out.

Situations like this are one of the reasons why I’ve always earned my own money, so should I ever be in this position, I know that I can financially support myself and the kids. I realise that not every woman can do this.

I’ve also made sure that my daughter understands how important it is for women to be financially independent and not solely rely on a man!

TomatoSandwiches · 23/02/2023 09:13

He has groomed you very well for your reaction to be so subtle here.

None of this is normal or healthy, I wouldn't even ask my husband when the children are at school " if it was OK to go to the gym " I'd just go.

He sounds like a nasty POS, please take the previous advice in regard to the freedom programme, he has done a right number on you op, sorry.

Aphrathestorm · 23/02/2023 09:16

This is what domestic abuse looks like.

You need an escape plan or you'll become a prisoner for life.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 23/02/2023 09:18

I messaged checking up asking if he’s ok and he replied ‘no, you’re horrible’….

I see the problem here, OP. You're with a teenage girl in a man's body. 'You're horrible' is the sort of thing teenage me said to my DM when she wouldn't let me do something. Did he say that he HATES you, as well?

Tell him to grow the fuck up

This, basically.

Justcallmebebes · 23/02/2023 09:19

Jesus no, you're under reacting if anything. He's a vile, abusive wanker

BreviloquentBastard · 23/02/2023 09:32

Surely you must be joking? You can't possibly think this is normal or acceptable?

Of course you're not overreacting, you are tremendously underreacting. Has he always been like this? Or is this just post-kids? It's weirdly common for men to become controlling lunatics when their wives become SAHM's.

billy1966 · 23/02/2023 09:35

MermaidMummy06 · 23/02/2023 01:33

I'd go so far as to call it coercive control - a HUGE thing being addressed in my country right now.

Any time your partner tries to control you, even using non violent methods, like sulking, refusing to talk to you, financial or time guilt, to get you to comply, is coercive.

Often we don't even recognize it because it's not violent. After all the publicity, I've realised a now former friend was/is in a coercive control relationship. Unfortunately, she has no life outside their family now and doesn't even realise she's been controlled and is still abused. He can do/spend whatever he likes, but she's conditioned to do what HE wants her to do, through sulking, guilt, and manipulation (including financial and what she does). It's an insidious, often unseen form of abuse.

Just look it up to be aware. Hopefully I'm wrong.

This.

You are in a highly controlling abusive relationship.

This is a crime now.

Call Womens aid for a chat and they will confirm it.

This is not a good man.

Please seek help.

You can also ring 101 for advice.

He is controlling when and how long you leave the house for.

He is committing a crime.

Thoughtful2355 · 23/02/2023 09:52

Sorry but i think you have more problems than you realise, theres something quite.. phsycotic with how he is reacting, He is controlling and i bet abusive in other ways you just dont realise...

Opentooffers · 23/02/2023 10:10

He has ensured he has total control over you. You are on dodgy ground being a SAHM and unmarried, but I bet he likes it that way, as now you dont have the money to leave so easily.
Did you have friends before you met him? He's isolated you on purpose and you have passively let him until now.
Is he restrictive with family money too despite you being a SAHM? How is it you don't have access to a car whilst he's asleep? Does he not have one either? It sounds like a faff to get to the gym and back, but I admire your determination to do it.
Look at the big picture and see it for what it is. Do you rent or own your home - in which case is your name on the mortgage?
He's punishing you for stepping marginally out of his control. He will show his true colours the more you push his unreasonable boundaries, but you should push them as it will help you realise just what he is like.

Sandra1984 · 23/02/2023 10:15

Your partner is incredibly controlling and a text book narcissist. I hope his other qualities balance out the fact he’s a major douche.

Divebar2021 · 23/02/2023 10:23

Why don’t you have any friends OP?

IDontWantToBeAPie · 23/02/2023 10:36

That's very controlling of him OP. Scarily so.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 23/02/2023 10:37

And if you work part time you're not a SAHM you work