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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner upset I went out

96 replies

Harpori29 · 23/02/2023 00:59

Hi all, AIBU? Am I overthinking things? What do you think

my partner (been together many years and have kids) is mad that I went to the gym yesterday. We are active gym goers since before having kids (him much more than me) and now the kids are in school I’ve taken the chance to get back into it.

usually when I drop them in school I quickly go for a 1 hour workout then come home and clean/cook/spend time with my partner. He’s usually back from work just after I get back from gym.

I’ve found it difficult recently to really get into a routine as I’m just constantly cooking/doings things at home and spending time with my partner now we finally get some time without kids. I really love and enjoy spending time with him as we were extremely distant the last few years.

Tuesday he was off work until evening, usually like that a few days a week. He always wants me to be home with him which I love but I really wanted to just do a quick workout and get in a routine - I still would have had 4 hours to spend with him before the kids finished school. He was sleeping in bed and I asked him if he’d be annoyed if I went gym and he replied ‘just make it quick’. So I dropped the kids at school and made my way. On the bus I got a message from him asking ‘so what decision did you make, gym or home?’. That bothered me as he knew I was going gym and makes it seem like I’m choosing gym over looking after my home?

anyways he told me it’s fine and to go. I ended up being 2.5hours before I got home as I had to walk to bus stop, wait for bus and spend 25 mins on bus there and back (so it’s not as straightforward as a 1 hour workout). On my way back I bumped into a neighbour who has really wanted to talk to me so we chatted for about 30 mins. Admittedly I didn’t want to spend that long talking but I couldn’t be rude either! So when I got back home I instantly went to him (which he was still lying in bed on his phone) and I was very happy and said hello 5 TIMES in which he completely ignored me and acted like I wasn’t standing there.

long story short he was mad that I was gone so long and was in a mood and just started being annoying and causing issues that were unnecessary. It’s been like that for 2 days now, he hasn’t spent time with me since (we usually spend evenings together watching tv, cuddling etc) he’s just giving me the cold shoulder.

tonight he’s come home 1.5hours late (didn’t come back till nearly 12am! I called and he refused to tell me where he’s been. I messaged checking up asking if he’s ok and he replied ‘no, you’re horrible’…. He come home and basically blamed everything on me when I know I genuinely haven’t done anything wrong.

he then told me the issue is you went gym when I was at home (and then proceeded to list other things he’s got an issue with) but really THAT is the issue that has caused everythinf.

I don’t do ANYTHING. I’m a stay at home mom, work part time from home, don’t have any friends, just at home 24/7. He sees me all day, I still would have had 4 hours to spend with him.

am I overreacting? I’m frustrated cause I just wanted to get in a good routine to workout a few times a week. Bearing in mind his work schedule keeps changing and some weeks he’s home many mornings so if I don’t go gym when he’s home then I’d only be able to go 1/2 times a week.

OP posts:
housemaus · 23/02/2023 10:56

This is genuinely chilling to read, OP, and especially that you don't seem aware of how scary it is.

What about if you wanted to go and meet a friend? Why does he need you to spend ALL your time at home with him? Why does he think it's acceptable to give you the silent treatment for days over you having a perfectly normal trip to the gym?

None of this is normal.

TheFormidableMrsC · 23/02/2023 10:58

Jesus Christ. This man is a walking red flag. I'm afraid that would be the end for me because this will escalate.

Katsucurrysauce · 23/02/2023 11:29

Fucking hell, this is awful. You have a massively unhealthy relationship. His behaviour is not normal or ok.

NoraLuka · 23/02/2023 11:38

He is being unreasonable.

You should be able to go to the gym, see friends, do hobbies etc. without him sulking.

ExH was like this, I spent years trying to navigate his moods and try to have a life. With hindsight, I should have left as soon as it became clear what he was like, I don’t think people like this can really change.

Topseyt123 · 23/02/2023 11:48

He sounds like a top class arsewipe. You may need to be planning your exit from this hellhole of a relationship because these are his true colours. This is what he is like.

Don't let him control you, and don't minimise it. Go to the gym (or wherever you want to) whenever you like. Ignore man-baby's sulks. Stop engaging with him too whenever he has gone out without saying anything. Engaging with him lets him insult you and is what he wants you to do.

Iris1976 · 23/02/2023 11:55

You are being controlled by this man child,have my first LTB.

purpledalmation · 23/02/2023 12:01

Controlling. Either he stops or you look at your options

MsMarch · 23/02/2023 12:02

he then told me the issue is you went gym when I was at home (and then proceeded to list other things he’s got an issue with) but really THAT is the issue that has caused everythinf.

No, actually, I suspect all the other issues ARE his issues becuase I'll put money that those other issues are also times when you did not do exactly what he wanted, when he wanted. And perhaps, with the DC now at school so you having a bit more "freedom" without even realising it, you've been trying to step away a little from your very narrow life that is 100% controlled by him. You might not have noticed (my guess you didn't want to do other things before becuase you had him and the DC etc so you didn't notice that the option wasn't there). Meanwhile, he absolutely IS noticing that your'e stepping out of his control zone and is therefore ramping things up because he needs you back under control asap.

It won't be long until the comments about tight gym clothes and men at the gym start. Or he'll be telling you that you're trying to attract men on the school run by wearing workout gear. Or not believing you when the bus is delayed and you are late back.

merlotlover · 23/02/2023 12:15

I'm really sorry but omg what a dick head 🫣
Stand up to this absolute plank

merlotlover · 23/02/2023 12:18

You sound lovely and kind and thoughtful try and do all that for yourself too 💐

Cherrysoup · 23/02/2023 13:19

What an arsehole. How about you disappear for a few hours, don't tell him where you are then refuse to say where you went? At the max, I would tell my dh where I was going but no way would I ask!

Original poster
Harpori29 · 23/02/2023 13:47

DutifulDaughterWifeMother · 23/02/2023 07:19

Hey OP, you sound lovely he is coming across as controlling. What I don’t understand is why you both didn’t take the kids to school and go to the gym together if it’s something you both have always been into? Remember you are an equal in this partnership and at the minute it doesn’t come across as such and nor should you be having to ask if it is ok if you go. He sounds like he his literally throwing his toys out of the pram. The first thing you need to do is stop trying to pacify him, that is what he wants. He is not a child but a grown man. Leave him to sulk & when that throws him completely be serious and tell him you need to have a serious conversation with him. Be calm but firm as you would when explaining to your children what is & isn’t acceptable. He needs to be stopped in his tracks & told you did nothing wrong by going to the gym, in fact ask him why you couldn’t have gone together & maybe gone for lunch after. Why has he felt it acceptable to ignore you & behave like he did. This conversation will tell you everything you need to know about him. He will be wanting you trying to make it up to him & when you don’t you may just see the real him. He can go either one of 2 ways, he can get defensive and blame you for all this or he might just see that how he is behaving is unacceptable and unfair on you. He is playing mind games with you and you need to be brave & call him out on it. You need to take a firm stand and he needs to see that you are more than capable of calling out such behaviour. Remember you are an equal & need to be treated as such. Your needs are just as important as his. Good luck 🤞🏼 you can do this.

Thanks for your message!
he is at gym everyday and I go to a different gym. Often on his days off he will come with me to my gym and we will work out together. I actually had hoped that would happen that day but he just stayed in bed so I didn’t think much of it and just went.
he gets to work out a lot more than me obviously so I still took the opportunity to go that day. If he wanted to come he could have. He also texted me when I was on my way there saying ‘you seem to have a lot of motivation to go to that gym, I need to find out what it is’. Basically insinuating that I’m up to something? Maybe insinuating I’m motivated to go there to see a male or something? Which is bizarre and ridiculous as he has full access to my phone, I don’t leave the house and he always comes to that gym with me so he’d know if there was something weird.

today I had to meet with my boss for 1 hour in the morning after dropping my kids to school, I didn’t manage to tell him as he’s not talking to me but it is written on the calendar and I know he’s seen it. While in my meeting his calling my phone and I’m texting him to stop as I’m with my boss. I get home, he sees my work keys etc but still questions me where I was and even wanted to see what I’m wearing. He then said something about ‘tit for tat’ insinuation that I probably went out/did something because he did last night… so like I’ve done it for revenge?

I then had a client come to my home this afternoon for 1 hour (as I offer a service that I do from home) and again I hadn’t managed to tell him about it because we haven’t been on good terms. He found out and went mad that I didn’t ‘communicate’ with him and that’s why our relationship will never work…?

OP posts:
Original poster
Harpori29 · 23/02/2023 13:52

IDontWantToBeAPie · 23/02/2023 10:37

And if you work part time you're not a SAHM you work

I work less than 10 hours a week. From home on my computer which I usually do when the kids are sleeping at night

OP posts:
billy1966 · 23/02/2023 13:54

You are in a highly abusive relationship.

This is your life until you do something about it.

Your poor children growing up with an abusive relationship as their model.

Is this what you want for them?

Because this is highly likely to be THEIR future growing up in a home like that.

Mama2six · 23/02/2023 13:56

MermaidMummy06 · 23/02/2023 01:33

I'd go so far as to call it coercive control - a HUGE thing being addressed in my country right now.

Any time your partner tries to control you, even using non violent methods, like sulking, refusing to talk to you, financial or time guilt, to get you to comply, is coercive.

Often we don't even recognize it because it's not violent. After all the publicity, I've realised a now former friend was/is in a coercive control relationship. Unfortunately, she has no life outside their family now and doesn't even realise she's been controlled and is still abused. He can do/spend whatever he likes, but she's conditioned to do what HE wants her to do, through sulking, guilt, and manipulation (including financial and what she does). It's an insidious, often unseen form of abuse.

Just look it up to be aware. Hopefully I'm wrong.

This is what I immediately thought of when I read this post get out now I say and your not nearly angry enough

wp65 · 23/02/2023 14:09

This is absolutely chilling to read, OP. I'm so sorry you are in such an abusive relationship. Nothing about his behaviour, or this dynamic he has established between you, is normal or acceptable.

OhNoNotThatAgain · 23/02/2023 14:21

Oh dear me no.

Stuff this nonsense for a game of soldiers. He is treating you as his possession and expects you to be where he wants you to be and do what he wants you to do all the time. And woe betide you if you step out of line.

Fuck that.

He is being controlling and manipulative, and giving you the cold shoulder. That is abusive. You need to give him an ultimatum - tell him that either he stops behaving like this, or it is over.

cherish123 · 23/02/2023 14:27

None of his business. That's one of the us points of not being married.

OldFan · 23/02/2023 16:42

He's awful @Harpori29 and his implying you're doing stuff with/interested in other blokes is a classic control tactic.

Please separate from him.

LookingOldTheseDays · 23/02/2023 18:02

cherish123 · 23/02/2023 14:27

None of his business. That's one of the us points of not being married.

Even in a marriage people don't get to dictate when/where their partner goes out.

PurpleReindeer2 · 23/02/2023 18:12

OP, you sound so lovely and deserve so much better than him. He sounds like an abusive arsehole who has no respect for you. Please speak to womens aid and get help to leave him. Life is so short and you can be so much happier without him. He is a loser who is a bully. Please get help in real life to get out soon. xxx

winterbegone · 23/02/2023 18:16

He's being a dick, you can never have a harmonious relationship with someone like him, I think he could be projecting and up to no good himself.

Logburnerperils · 23/02/2023 18:16

You will be on sky news soon if you dont dump this absolute loser.

Witchytwitchybitchy · 23/02/2023 20:56

FFS. What an awful life.
Imprisoned in the home by husband and work
He is your husband, not your master
He is controlling your every move
i bet he is after sex in the time he likes you to spend time at home
He treats you as something he owns
How dare you put what (perfectly reasonable) thing you want todo above him!

As a matter of interest, does he own a car? You wouldn’t get me and young kids on and off buses unless no one in the house owned a car.

I am very sorry, you sound very sweet, but your husband sounds like a psychopath who is likely to murder you in a fit of irrational jealously. Get in touch with Women’s Aid ASAP.

VerityUnreasonble · 23/02/2023 21:26

He is a controlling cunt and it is abuse.

In a healthy relationship you can go out, see friends, work, go to the gym, even spend time with people of the opposite sex without being sulked at or accused. You don't feel like you are on eggshells.

When he reacts like this he is teaching you that next time it's not worth it for you to do what you want and you should just do what he wants instead. Stay where he wants, only speak to who he wants. He doesn't trust you. Probably because he isn't trustworthy.

Speak to womens aid when he is at work. Listen to them. Life can be so much more than this.

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