Partner upset I went out

[Harpori29]

Hi all, AIBU? Am I overthinking things? What do you think

my partner (been together many years and have kids) is mad that I went to the gym yesterday. We are active gym goers since before having kids (him much more than me) and now the kids are in school I’ve taken the chance to get back into it.

usually when I drop them in school I quickly go for a 1 hour workout then come home and clean/cook/spend time with my partner. He’s usually back from work just after I get back from gym.

I’ve found it difficult recently to really get into a routine as I’m just constantly cooking/doings things at home and spending time with my partner now we finally get some time without kids. I really love and enjoy spending time with him as we were extremely distant the last few years.

Tuesday he was off work until evening, usually like that a few days a week. He always wants me to be home with him which I love but I really wanted to just do a quick workout and get in a routine - I still would have had 4 hours to spend with him before the kids finished school. He was sleeping in bed and I asked him if he’d be annoyed if I went gym and he replied ‘just make it quick’. So I dropped the kids at school and made my way. On the bus I got a message from him asking ‘so what decision did you make, gym or home?’. That bothered me as he knew I was going gym and makes it seem like I’m choosing gym over looking after my home?

anyways he told me it’s fine and to go. I ended up being 2.5hours before I got home as I had to walk to bus stop, wait for bus and spend 25 mins on bus there and back (so it’s not as straightforward as a 1 hour workout). On my way back I bumped into a neighbour who has really wanted to talk to me so we chatted for about 30 mins. Admittedly I didn’t want to spend that long talking but I couldn’t be rude either! So when I got back home I instantly went to him (which he was still lying in bed on his phone) and I was very happy and said hello 5 TIMES in which he completely ignored me and acted like I wasn’t standing there.

long story short he was mad that I was gone so long and was in a mood and just started being annoying and causing issues that were unnecessary. It’s been like that for 2 days now, he hasn’t spent time with me since (we usually spend evenings together watching tv, cuddling etc) he’s just giving me the cold shoulder.

tonight he’s come home 1.5hours late (didn’t come back till nearly 12am! I called and he refused to tell me where he’s been. I messaged checking up asking if he’s ok and he replied ‘no, you’re horrible’…. He come home and basically blamed everything on me when I know I genuinely haven’t done anything wrong.

he then told me the issue is you went gym when I was at home (and then proceeded to list other things he’s got an issue with) but really THAT is the issue that has caused everythinf.

I don’t do ANYTHING. I’m a stay at home mom, work part time from home, don’t have any friends, just at home 24/7. He sees me all day, I still would have had 4 hours to spend with him.

am I overreacting? I’m frustrated cause I just wanted to get in a good routine to workout a few times a week. Bearing in mind his work schedule keeps changing and some weeks he’s home many mornings so if I don’t go gym when he’s home then I’d only be able to go 1/2 times a week.

On the surface of your story he sounds very anxiously attached.
Attachment styles CAN become secure but it needs some work.

He thinks you should be at his beck snd call. He thinks that he should have the right to be able to go where he wants and do what he likes, no questions asked, but he doesn't think you should have that right. Why? Because he's a controlling, misogynist arsehole, that's why.

He is giving you a message in massive red letters about what kind of man he is. Don't turn a blind eye to it.

Wtf? He sounds downright abusive!

Peddling the myth that the OP can fix him is fucking dangerous. Women in abusive relationships die every single week.

I don't understand why you are posting this ... it's not the OP's responsibility to fix the husband.

The OP's husband's attachment style doesn't give him the right to be abusive .

He’s controlling and he’s only going to get worse. Your life will probably become more and more limited by him. Think carefully whether this is what you want. He sounds scary.

The post about attachment styles is not intended to judge or tell the OP to fix anyone. It may possibly help her understanding of what goes on inside of people. Men who are anxiously attached can go as far as killing their partners. However, I think the OP is not in a life threatening situation.

Why did you ask him he would mind you going the gym?

you have a master servant relationship with him?

you say: “. I asked him if he’d be annoyed if I went gym and he replied ‘just make it quick’.“

that is not a conversation between two equal partners

You really need to read what you wrote. Do you realise it's not about the gym at all, sounds very controlling almost expecting you to be at home like your not allowed a life.

https://www.alturtle.com/archives/100

When an organism experiences too little or intermittent connection, its old reactive, reptilian brain activates.
I call this Panic.
As children, these people survive by developing CLINGING skills.
These are behaviors of hanging on, standing close, resisting being distanced.
And as these children grow, when they can walk, they develop PURSUING skills.
These are just ambulatory, walking clinging skills.
These behaviors involve following, moving toward, and chasing.
A Clinging/Pursuing child doesn’t want to be put down, and runs out of the house and after their parents when left with a baby sitter.

These same skills of clinging and pursuing, driven by PANIC, become habits and follow the child into adulthood.
Attention getting may become a life-style.

Reactive Behavior
When these adults panic, they move toward others, especially their partner. They ask questions, follow, push toward, talk at, and in general become invasive of their partner’s space.
As an adult, clinging may become very controlling, possessing, captivating, cornering and interrogating acts. This is the source of stalking behavior.

🚩🚩🚩

1. He's a twat

1. It sounds like he has a guilty conscience and is judging you by his own morals. I'm not saying he is cheating/has cheated, but with how paranoid he is about you going the gym, something just screams guilt to me.

1. He's a twat

It does seem an unacceptably controlling attitude. It seems he cannot tolerate being by himself at all. He needs to be less demanding of your attention. Can he not develop a hobby like gardening - to be done by himself, alone?

I got anxious and stressed just reading that.

He is abusive.

It sounds like he has a guilty conscience and is judging you by his own morals. I'm not saying he is cheating/has cheated, but with how paranoid he is about you going the gym, something just screams guilt to me.

Yeah that occurred to me too.

You two were "distant" before. what was he up to then.

Someone like this is generally controlling and abusive or they're abusive and they've cheated/would cheat.

He's trying to manipulate you into not going to the gym anymore so he's got you where he can keep an eye on you 100% of the time. He's abusive and controlling.

Go to the gym, then meet a friend for coffee, then go for a browse around the shops. Stop making yourself available, and spend more time out of the house.

He's abusive to you when you don't jump to his demands/schedule;
Calling you horrible.

Telling you it's none of your business what he's doing

Staying out late (probably purposefully).

You're being punished by him so you obey better ongoing.

Abd the punishment is not for anything reasonable.

Your H is fucked up and people like this rarely change.

It won't be long until the comments about tight gym clothes and men at the gym start

Wasn't there a woman on here whod been forced to prove dhexwad at the gym be sending time stamped photos of her there .... Sbdcthen he went mad about some random man in the background who she was supposedly schmoozing.

You can't reason with crazy.

Giving them an inch just results in them taking another mile.

*Wasn't there a woman on here who'd been forced to prove she was at the gym by sending time stamped photos of her there .

This sums it up nicely.

OP, your life sounds utterly exhausting and claustrophobic. Why does he get to have time without you harassing him, but he won't extend that same right to you?

I didn't read the pp's comment that way, I took it to mean that if you aren't married it is easier to untangle yourself from the relationship and dump him.