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Original poster

How to broach the "please propose" thing as a late 30s woman

115 replies

wonderingwonderingwondering · 16/02/2023 17:41

37F, in a relationship for 2.5 years with my partner. We live together, co-parent a lovely doggy, are very well suited in terms of our personalities, he's the most loving partner i've ever had. We got together during the pandemic - lived in different cities but I moved to his within 6 months and we moved in together a few months later.

A little over a year into our relationship, I got to wondering about how the relationship was going to progress. We had never had the marriage - babies conversation until then; frankly I was longterm single when I met him and had accepted my fate, didn't think these things would ever happen. Suddenly I was in love, very happy and realised I wanted to settle down and start to build my family. We've had that conversation about half a dozen times over the last year and a half and every time I raise these things I feel my partnership shut down, get annoyed, or tell me "we've spoken about this already / we have a plan".

A few months ago he started a much higher paying job, he told me he wanted to prepare for us potentially trying for a child and being able to provide well. Then, last November we decided to start trying. It's obviously only been a few months and I don't know what the journey is going to look like for us, but I've started to feel an immense urge to be married and be his wife. The "boyfriend / girlfriend" tag seems so immature and casual in contrast to what we have as a couple: he is my life partner and he's my whole life and he's told me the same about me.

Marriage doesn't seem to be a priority to him. Another important bit of context is that there was an unexpected and very sudden death in his family around this same time, which probably pushed us into starting TTC. I made some half-jokes in the lead up to Christmas about a proposal, which he addressed by saying, "it absolutely is on my mind, but now isn't the time." I understand that, at least practically. But especially as we get deeply entrenched into this TTC process - I'm beginning to get deeply impatient and wonder, "well when is?"

I want to be married. I want the status of husband and wife, I want the legal partnership, I want the protection and commitment of it. Financially we are not far apart; I have a lot of savings and investments, while he owns the house that we live in. We can afford to get married, we can afford to build our family. I'm struggling with straddling the sensitivity towards his bereavement with my own strong desire to be married to him and the frustration of feeling like this will never be a priority to him.

To make matters worse; we are surrounded by married couples with young children. A friend of mine has just gotten engaged after 6 months together; there are few childless and non married folks around me. I just don't understand his delay with this, especially if our feelings about each other are mutual.

Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
bathsh3ba · 17/02/2023 19:28

I would stop the TTCing at least until you have a proposal, it makes it clear to him where your boundaries are.

All you can do is be honest. This is how I feel. This is what I need. If you can't do what I'm asking, maybe it's better we move on.

EarthSight · 17/02/2023 21:42

wonderingwonderingwondering · 17/02/2023 17:27

Thanks all. I really do appreciate all of this advice and know that it is well meaning. It helps a lot as I tend to struggle with prioritising myself in general and making sure my needs are met.

It's hard to see the word for the trees as my head is like a washing machine with all of this pressure. It's good to get that reality check, but equally, I don't want the trust to break down between my partner and I and assume bad intention - he is a good, kind man and loves me better than anyone ever has before in my life. So I want to work this out with him, but I'm also aware that there may be an incompatibility problem and I need to stand up for myself if I keep getting the "maybe" and "all in good time" from him.

OP, I had to learnt he hard way to go on someone's actions rather than their words. He will keep stringin you along with these maybes and all in good times.

Also, you also not asking too much or a lot. I read a bit written by you that suggested that he's almost got you to a position where you think he's doing you some kind of favour. He's not - your wants a perfectly normal things.

I'm concerned that you seem to be paying him rent and that the house is in his name. There is no security in that OP. No written official agreement. He can have you out any time he wants. It's even more concerning that you are unmarried and in that vulnerable positon when you are trying for a baby. What have been the conversations around putting your name on the house?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/02/2023 21:48

We haven't discussed financial plan if / once I give birth

I mean this kindly, but isn't that a little risky when you're hoping to bring a new life into this?

I'm aware of the amount of sacrifice that will be mainly on my side, physically, financially, emotionally. That's a huge driver of the importance of the security and commitment of marriage to me

You've certainly got your head screwed on with this, but the bottom line is that he doesn't want to get married - not now and possibly not ever. That doesn't make him "bad" or "not to be trusted", but may just mean you want different things, so if you're determined to go on TTC at least do it with your eyes open, knowing what the consequences could be

monsteramunch · 17/02/2023 21:56

We haven't discussed financial plan if / once I give birth

It's not really fair to be actively trying to conceive a child without having even discussed such a massive, basic element of their welfare! Your future child deserves to have been considered by you both in a sensible and mature way as a team, on the same page.

Daffodil1985 · 17/02/2023 22:13

OP, I was you 11 years ago. I had moved in with my boyfriend who had a lovely house and a good job. I had a baby with him at 26 (he talked me into it), he proposed when I was expecting (I think it was to shut me up a bit ). Any conversations about marriage have always made him visibly uncomfortable. He was then trying to talk me into second child out of wedlock but I didn't fall for it. I was the one working part time for quite a few years while looking after our child, I was the one that took the financial hit by jeopardising my earning potential while he paid off his mortgage and built up lots of savings. I am now 37, your age, and I really wish I read threads like that 11 years ago. I would have refused to have a child unmarried, sod that. Especially if you don't own the house together and if you go part time while your child is young. I am now actively planning to leave because of resentment because of him dragging his feet. I am saving like mad to make of for some of the lost years. Your man is worried about sharing his assets with you, that is why he is avoiding the topic. Some men wants it all their way, don't fall for it.

Haffiana · 17/02/2023 22:24

wonderingwonderingwondering · 17/02/2023 17:27

Thanks all. I really do appreciate all of this advice and know that it is well meaning. It helps a lot as I tend to struggle with prioritising myself in general and making sure my needs are met.

It's hard to see the word for the trees as my head is like a washing machine with all of this pressure. It's good to get that reality check, but equally, I don't want the trust to break down between my partner and I and assume bad intention - he is a good, kind man and loves me better than anyone ever has before in my life. So I want to work this out with him, but I'm also aware that there may be an incompatibility problem and I need to stand up for myself if I keep getting the "maybe" and "all in good time" from him.

Do you feel that you need to demonstrate to him that you are not after his money or something like that, OP? Are you paying him rent to show him how fair and decent and trustworthy you are? Are you being a Good Thoughtful Girlfriend and not asking him for the things that YOU want because 'bereavement' etc?

Is he taking all this from you quite happily? Yes?

He will carry on taking from you OP. This is why he won't marry you. You do not have a partnership. You have a transaction instead of a relationship. He can be nice to you because you are chasing your tail facilitating the loving relationship and doing all the work. You will only see his true self when you put your foot down and insist that he does something he does not want to.

He will have a child with you because it will cost him nothing because you will pay for it. One way or the other, you will pay for all of it.

Newyearnewme2023 · 17/02/2023 23:04

Haffiana · 17/02/2023 22:24

Do you feel that you need to demonstrate to him that you are not after his money or something like that, OP? Are you paying him rent to show him how fair and decent and trustworthy you are? Are you being a Good Thoughtful Girlfriend and not asking him for the things that YOU want because 'bereavement' etc?

Is he taking all this from you quite happily? Yes?

He will carry on taking from you OP. This is why he won't marry you. You do not have a partnership. You have a transaction instead of a relationship. He can be nice to you because you are chasing your tail facilitating the loving relationship and doing all the work. You will only see his true self when you put your foot down and insist that he does something he does not want to.

He will have a child with you because it will cost him nothing because you will pay for it. One way or the other, you will pay for all of it.

Show quote history

This 100%

Fenella123 · 18/02/2023 00:35

A wedding can take years to plan, but just to get married - a few weeks, including giving notice, and under 200 quid in fees.

Original poster
wonderingwonderingwondering · 19/02/2023 14:12

Hi all. We had a chat about all of this, my partner could sense my upset and I went through all of my concerns.

He said he'll add me to the house deeds, that's an easy one and he'd have done it already if he knew how I was feeling about it.

He said the bereavement has changed his plans to propose because it doesn't feel like something his family is ready for. He lost a sibling unexpectedly, his family has been in deep mourning for the last few months and he said the idea of a ceebration feels too early for them. He was v close to this sibling, he was his best man etc so I can understand this. I gave him a timeline of engaged this year, married early next year and he said this was definitely what he wanted too. He said he'd be happy to start looking at wedding venues and starting to organise the wedding, and hold off a bit on the engagement for a few months until the bereavement is a little less raw.

He's also booked mortgage advisor appointments for next month so we can get approval and start house hunting.

I feel relieved by the conversation, like he's got a plan and he didn't react badly this time. He was just upset that I was upset. I guess we'll have to see what happens in the next few months and if he gets involved in the wedding stuff.

OP posts:
ItchyBillco · 19/02/2023 14:14

I hope he comes good on his promises, OP.

Greytshakes · 19/02/2023 16:55

Excellent news, @wonderingwonderingwondering

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/02/2023 18:25

I hope he comes good on his promises, OP

Ditto

Jimboscott0115 · 20/02/2023 07:33

wonderingwonderingwondering · 19/02/2023 14:12

Hi all. We had a chat about all of this, my partner could sense my upset and I went through all of my concerns.

He said he'll add me to the house deeds, that's an easy one and he'd have done it already if he knew how I was feeling about it.

He said the bereavement has changed his plans to propose because it doesn't feel like something his family is ready for. He lost a sibling unexpectedly, his family has been in deep mourning for the last few months and he said the idea of a ceebration feels too early for them. He was v close to this sibling, he was his best man etc so I can understand this. I gave him a timeline of engaged this year, married early next year and he said this was definitely what he wanted too. He said he'd be happy to start looking at wedding venues and starting to organise the wedding, and hold off a bit on the engagement for a few months until the bereavement is a little less raw.

He's also booked mortgage advisor appointments for next month so we can get approval and start house hunting.

I feel relieved by the conversation, like he's got a plan and he didn't react badly this time. He was just upset that I was upset. I guess we'll have to see what happens in the next few months and if he gets involved in the wedding stuff.

It sounds like you've both handled it like adults and hopefully have a path forward which is great news, hope it all works out!

user1492757084 · 20/02/2023 07:58

So, he is the one. You want a proposal.
You both want a child. Time is marching onwards.
Visit your parents and have your father ask him what his intensions are in an old fashioned way and have your Dad point out that his daughter deserves a ring before a baby and that it used to be a ring before moving in.

You could also point out your own age and discuss the order of things. Do you want to get married before you are too pregnant? If so, he needs to know. Polite honesty.

80s · 20/02/2023 11:04

Sounds like better communication. But make sure that is really what you want - and not, for instance, a compromise where you have a quiet/secret registry office wedding now and a "do" later. Early next year, you could have a tiny baby, be heavily pregnant or suffering from morning sickness. There's plenty else you could be doing before a child is on the way to make sure that your finances etc. are all sorted out.

sianiboo · 20/02/2023 14:39

I fell for the 'sunk cost fallacy' when I was 30. Wasn't helped by my mother continually going on about her friend's daughters who were my age and how they were all married, having children etc and I'd been with my boyfriend for 5 years, why weren't we engaged?

Wish I'd ignored the silly cow. My then boyfriend had always said he didn't want to get married - nothing personal, he didn't ever want marriage or children. As someone who had also always known they wouldn't have children, I respected his stance. Unfortunately it was a leap year and I stupidly fell for the hype and proposed to him...half joke/half serious. He agreed, to 'shut me up about it'...I quickly got his mother involved and we were married 5 months later.

We should have actually split up. There were already a lot of problem, red flags in the relationship. Just two months previous to my 'proposal' he'd urinated on my front door after a late night argument. I'd done all the running at the beginning of the relationship, he hadn't even really wanted one with me in the first place...but he liked the regular sex. He'd also kept me a secret from his family for nearly 5 years, I'd only met them about 3 months before I 'proposed'. I'd lost count the number of arguments we'd had over the years over this...I never did get an adequate explanation of why he wouldn't let me meet them. He was stunningly immature, prone to storming out if he didn't get his own way...didn't matter where we were, he'd do it if a meal in a restaurant wasn't to his liking, just get up and go, after causing a scene, leaving me there in deep embarrassment and to pay...

Nearly 25 years on I'm embarrassed for myself back then, for the sheer shit I put up with from him. I was totally spineless and wouldn't fight for what I wanted. Instead of marrying, we should have split up. Our marriage was a disaster, I wasted another decade on him and finally got out when I was 40. He's grown up a lot since and we are good friends nowadays. But we should have never gotten married, and I thank my lucky stars every day that at least we had the sense not to get children involved.

I would never marry a man who didn't want it as least as much as I did, was proactive to that end of his own volition and didn't have to be literally forced to start planning.

UserNameTwo · 20/02/2023 19:59

He might have realised just how much he wants a family and be waiting to see if you do conceive before fully committing to marriage.

All this "must have a ring before babies" stuff is frankly only reasonable when you are going to be married comfortably under 35 and ready to start TTC. A man's fertility doesn't collapse, women's does.

If you were an early 30s woman with a man who 'isn't sure he wants kids' and you really do, then other women would tell you to move on - regardless of whether you love him, because you don't have time... but a 25 year old couple in that situation would be advised to work through it together carefully. This is reasonable & logical.

Applying this to a man's situation if he has come to realise a deep seated desire to have kids, HE would be the one ignoring his needs and the reality of fenale fertility to marry a woman over about 35 without her conceiving first. If that doesn't happen for you both, it might break the relationship, neither of you know. That uncertainly isn't a sound basis for a marriage. You should probably set aside the prince charming fairytale and discuss this honestly.

Whatwasthatshow · 15/02/2024 23:36

Now are things a year on @wonderingwonderingwondering x

PennyPugwash · 16/02/2024 00:11

Theres no way I'd be TTC without having what I wanted in terms of commitment from him.
Seriously..... stop

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/02/2024 00:15

He is probably planning to propose but wants it to be a surprise

He might also be saving for a nice ring

He might worry about paying for a ring and a wedding and a baby

He might also want to ensure you're fertile before proposing

I think the idea about the names and being absolutely certain that baby will have yours whether that's your maiden name or your married name is good advice

BreakfastAtMimis · 16/02/2024 00:16

Sorry, you lost me at the second line when you said you parented a dog. 🙄

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/02/2024 00:21

wonderingwonderingwondering · 17/02/2023 11:25

Thanks guys. There's a lot to take in. We haven't discussed financial plan if / once I give birth and I'm aware of the amount of sacrifice that will be mainly on my side, physically, financially, emotionally. That's a huge driver of the importance of the security and commitment of marriage to me.

I have a decent corporate career and have just received a promotion in recent months, however the industry (Sales) is demanding and high stress and a change has been on my mind for some time now. The kind of job that doesn't feel sustainable with a family, so I've been up-skilling and networking to see what my options are. Fully aware that there's a huge risk in this alone; which doesn't help with my mental health alongside the TTC, marriage, house-buying, all the things that seem critical to me atm.

My partner speaks the language of "we", "our money" but our finances are separate at this point. I do need to consider and have the conversation around how we would manage them during mat leave, etc. We made the decision TTC, and the next step was to start mortgage approval and house hunting after April, once he's got 6 months tenure in his new job. So his side of this is something along the lines of, "these are big things and we ARE progressing, but we can't do everything at once".

He knows I want to get married, I can't imagine how he couldn't know this isn't a huge thing for me and it's getting harder with time: every new engagement etc provokes so much pain for me.

I also had a pandemic romance that moved quickly and he moved it forward quickly it was his idea to try for a baby... he weirdly actually did propose after I fell pregnant but then a few weeks later ran for the hills saying he found me too anxious and need, just before baby was born. You need to have all the important chats about finances and relationship before you get pregnant or you could be isolated and unemployed with a baby

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/02/2024 00:21

ganvough · 17/02/2023 11:36

Op, an engagement is the least of your concerns! So far in this relationship:

  1. you have no claim to the house you're paying rent on (as not married) as I'm guessing you're not on the deeds. If he dumps you, you'll have lost all the money you've paid and be homeless.
  2. you're paying off his mortgage and he won't even share finances with you
  3. there is no will to protect you should he die suddenly and you will still have no claim to the house as you're not a blood relative
  4. he won't marry you and refuses to even discuss it
  5. you are having a child with no house protection, financial security or legal contract - and he has no interest in offering ANY of this to you
  6. he knows you are desperate for a child due to your age and is using it as leverage to get what HE wants (a child). You are just a womb atm because he doesn't care to protect you or give you what you want
  7. none of this will change if you get pregnant before buying a house or making a will or being on the mortgage deeds or being married. He knows this hence dragging his feet.

This is not a team, OP.

Agree

LifeExperience · 16/02/2024 00:38

"...when I bring up the general topic of timeframes for engagement etc he gets annoyed, says these things take time and he doesn't want to feel like he is being "forced" to do something..."

He doesn't want to marry you. I'm sorry OP.

Morewineplease10 · 16/02/2024 01:18

I think if someone doesn't want to get married, fair enough.

Stringing someone along, isn't.

My advice, learnt the hard way after almost two decades, is to listen very intently to his actions, not his words.

And don't trust him implicitly!