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Relationships

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Original poster

Advice on son's ex-girlfriend

94 replies

OlderMumSJ · 15/02/2023 09:15

My son has recently broken up with his girl friend. They dated for over 4 years since 6th form, and the relationship survived different universities as they both worked for their respective degrees. However, he wants to establish his career, whereas she wants to get married. Both have just graduated from their universities. The girlfriend stayed with us throughout the COVID lockdowns and instead of the situation going horribly wrong, she was an absolute delight: funny, intelligent, beautiful and very good company (girl crush anyone?)
I am heartbroken that my son has walked away from her, although I have not said anything and would not argue his choice. She does suffer a little from anxiety, has just started a new job in London, and isn't particularly close to her own family. Should I contact her to say something? If so, what should I say since I don't want to disrespect my son's choice.

Thank you for your ideas!

OP posts:

Shemovesshemoves21 · 15/02/2023 09:18

Why on earth would you contact her if you don't know what you want to contact her about? Leave it alone. I'd be furious if my mum stuck herself right in the middle of a breakup because of how SHE feels about it. It's not about you, and it's none of your business.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/02/2023 09:18

Sorry you’re feeling sad. What would you want to say to her? Would it be a one off or are you planning to stay in touch? They’ll both probably meet new people and move on and things could get messy. Fwiw I think he’s right to end it as they clearly want different things. Please respect his choice. She might be perfect for you but she’s not perfect for him.

knittingaddict · 15/02/2023 09:21

You stay well out of it. Her relationship with you is contingent on him being in a relationship with her. That's over now and you need to back off.

Alexandernevermind · 15/02/2023 09:25

It's a shame as you would have thought of her as a member of your family. You can't put this on your son though, he has decided she is not the right woman for him and you have to respect that. Remember that you don't know everything that has happened between them. I think its best to not get involved.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/02/2023 09:26

Don't get involved and don't contact her. Your son would absolutely not appreciate it.

eish · 15/02/2023 09:28

Your son has been very sensible, knowing he is not ready for a lifetime commitment and getting out rather than going along with it and letting people down at a later date.

You need to back away I am afraid.

cantley · 15/02/2023 09:29

I really liked my son's girlfriend and was sad when they broke up ( 2 years ). It was a mutual decision.
She messaged me ( checked with him first that it would be ok).
She just wanted the two of us to have a coffee so she could say goodbye. We did - it was just 45 mins and very nice, I heard about her family and future plans. She bought me a little gift.
We've not spoken again but it was nice to have closure if that makes sense?

Friendofdennis · 15/02/2023 09:32

yes I would contact her to say goodbye. You have formed a relationship with this girl too. It would be awful to cut her off without a backward glance just because your son has strung her along for so long

harriethoyle · 15/02/2023 09:32

You'd be massively overstepping to contact her. Please don't.

Blueuggboots · 15/02/2023 09:33

When my brother and his long term girlfriend broke up, she was incredibly hurt that my parents didn't at least contact her to check she was ok.

You could message her and just say you're sorry about it and hope she's ok and send your love.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 15/02/2023 09:36

It would be awful to cut her off without a backward glance just because your son has strung her along for so long

He's 21. He's decided that what she wants isn't what he wants. If she was in her late 30s you might have a point about the 'stringing her along.' And as said so often on here, people can leave relationships if it isn't right for them any more - which, with their different aims and outlooks, this wasn't.

Dacadactyl · 15/02/2023 09:37

I think it is fine to send her a message saying you're sorry they've broken up and that you wish her well. This is not overstepping or weird.

The mother of my ex-boyfriend messaged me 3 years after we had broken up to congratulate me on the birth of mine and my husbands child. I thought it was a lovely thing to do.

flapjackfairy · 15/02/2023 09:40

I dont see anything wrong with sending her a message saying you are sorry it has not worked out and wishing her well.for the future.
My daughter split with her boyfriend and I was gutted as her partner had become v much a part of the family. Obviously I didn't say much to my daughter and was supportive but in fact he sent me a card thanking me and the whole family for making him so welcome .
My daughter did actually get back.with him a while later and they are now married and he is my.lovely son in law so.i was v lucky there .

VegetablesFightingToReclaimTheAubergieneEmoji · 15/02/2023 09:44

I was closer to my ex’s family (ex of 20 years now) than I’ve ever been with my own. I miss them greatly and think about them every day.
i would love to have stayed in contact. I did some what of a good bye with them. Our break up was very very messy, had it not been I think we would have stayed in contact. losing his family was the hardest thing in the breakup.

I would ask your son if it’s ok if you keep occasional contact. You’ll be discreet, she won’t be invited to family events etc. I would definitely meet up at least once for a goodbye though.

Divebar2021 · 15/02/2023 09:46

It would be awful to cut her off without a backward glance just because your son has strung her along for so long

I hope you’re not the girls mother feeding her this ridiculous notion that she’s been strung along. This was a teenage relationship that sadly run its course. My brothers relationship had a similar trajectory at that age when he went off to London to work. He’s in his 50’s now and my mum still occasionally hears from his former girlfriend from that time. I think it would be fine to drop her a text or send her a card.

mummymeister · 15/02/2023 09:46

some people on here are being really harsh. she lived with you throughout the lockdown and you got to know her well so of course you feel sad that someone you like is no longer in your life. Leave it a while, send her a Christmas card but dont take it any further than that. It is hard to switch on liking your childrens partners and then switching it off when they split up.

ItsReallyOnlyMe · 15/02/2023 09:47

I think it's fine to send a message to say you're sorry it didn't work out too, and to wish her well.

I'm surprised that so many people say not to do it. It sounds like she did live with you for quite a few months.

I was very hurt my in-laws didn't contact me directly when my ex-husband left (for affair partner - obvs). Perhaps they didn't know how to word it - but a short message would have been fine.

whatk8ydid · 15/02/2023 09:57

My ex MIL is still one of my favourite people. Fortunately my ex/her son understood that over the years we'd developed a relationship in our own right and none of it was about picking sides, and my current DP also understands that she's an important part of my life (I met her when I was 18, so she's basically watched me become an adult - and my own mother is as mad as a box of frogs).

When we split, I felt so lonely and like I'd suddenly lost half my family. It meant the absolute world to know she thought as much of me as I did of her. Do what's right for you.

WaddleAway · 15/02/2023 10:00

I’m surprised by some of these responses. I was with my first boyfriend from the age of 16-23 and became close to his family. 14 years later I still have a relationship with his mum and sister. I was close to them entirely independently of my relationship with him, so we continued that. He has since married and had children, as have I, but I still see them for a coffee/catch up a couple of times a year.

WandaWonder · 15/02/2023 10:02

I would ask your son, if he has no issue then I say go for it

AG247 · 15/02/2023 10:02

As someone who has been very close with boyfriend’s families over time, it’s always been a mixed bag as to whether the mother contacts or not, and it hasn’t been dependent on the closeness of our relationship, we usually always get on very well.

That said it’s particularly stinging when you cut ties with your partner’s family when the relationship has been special. I’ve been there and felt very very disappointed when I have not heard from the ex’s mother/sister whomever I was very close with.

I don’t know why everyone’s telling you not to contact her. A simple message telling her you’re sad on her behalf and wishing her well is absolutely not meddling in the relationship and IMO is a kind, polite and thoughtful thing to do. You don’t just pretend a person you’ve spent all that time with doesn’t exist.

If you have a very sensitive son then ask his opinion beforehand or rather tell him you would like to wish her well (closure) and see his response. I don’t think it’s a big deal though.

skgnome · 15/02/2023 10:07

She lived with you during lockdown and she was a nice girl, you developed a relationship
of course, your son also sounds sensible ending things now - teen relationship they want different things in life, fair play to him
i would ask him, and if he’s ok with it I’ll just send her a quick hi message

pilates · 15/02/2023 10:11

No bad idea. Don’t get involved.

nowtherearethree · 15/02/2023 10:12

I'm so sorry you feel like this. I was in a similar situation my son and his girlfriend of seven years split up last July. I sent her one text to make sure she was okay that was all. We are several months in now and whilst I do miss her life goes on

THisbackwithavengeance · 15/02/2023 10:16

I think it would be a lovely gesture. Just a nice phone call or text to say how sorry you were to hear the news and that that you wish her well in life and will miss her pleasant company.

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