Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Advice on son's ex-girlfriend

94 replies

OlderMumSJ · 15/02/2023 09:15

My son has recently broken up with his girl friend. They dated for over 4 years since 6th form, and the relationship survived different universities as they both worked for their respective degrees. However, he wants to establish his career, whereas she wants to get married. Both have just graduated from their universities. The girlfriend stayed with us throughout the COVID lockdowns and instead of the situation going horribly wrong, she was an absolute delight: funny, intelligent, beautiful and very good company (girl crush anyone?)
I am heartbroken that my son has walked away from her, although I have not said anything and would not argue his choice. She does suffer a little from anxiety, has just started a new job in London, and isn't particularly close to her own family. Should I contact her to say something? If so, what should I say since I don't want to disrespect my son's choice.

Thank you for your ideas!

OP posts:

seekingafreshstart · 15/02/2023 21:42

OlderMumSJ · 15/02/2023 21:33

Thank you so much for all your thoughts and perspectives across the spectrum from 'go for it' to 'hell, no!'. All have made me reflect deeply about my own motives for a possible contact and my own depth of feeling about the situation.

To give you some feedback, as suggested I did talk to my son who was surprised but okay with getting in touch with the girlfriend. I texted the girlfriend; she responded saying she was hoping I would reach out, and that she will really miss us. We will meet up at a future date.

Again, thank you for helping me through this and for all your viewpoints. The kindness of strangers .......

Well done on listening to your instinct, OP.

It's not going to be an easy time for your son or his ex - breakups never are, even if you know they're the right thing - but you've made things for his ex feel that bit less shitty.

thatheavyperson · 15/02/2023 21:54

I can think of a good few friends who have had goodbye messages from their ex's mum. Nothing intense, just wishing them well basically. We all thought it was quite lovely. I'm surprised how many people are so dead against it!

TrishM80 · 15/02/2023 22:03

Friendofdennis · 15/02/2023 09:32

yes I would contact her to say goodbye. You have formed a relationship with this girl too. It would be awful to cut her off without a backward glance just because your son has strung her along for so long

How on earth has he "strung her along"?

thelionthewitchtheaudacityofTHISbitch · 15/02/2023 22:10

I'm pleased you got in touch. I lived overseas for a while many decades ago and dated positively for a few years (but less than 4). I probably had more in common with his parents than I did with him, so after I returned home and we split up I stayed in touch with his parents. They sent me wedding gifts when I married, a beautiful home knitted blanket for my 1st child. They always treated me with kindness, care and respect. They are the family that I now model as I have older DC. I was talking about them to a good friend during lockdown when she unexpectedly had to host a couple of overseas teenagers. I said how I always remembered being treated with kindness. I was sad that i only found out about their deaths through other distant contacts but my relationships with their children were too tenuous at this point to be directly notified. It was an adult relationship and should be treated as such.

Hiddenvoice · 15/02/2023 22:16

I think it’s really lovely that you reached out. For a while she was part of your family and it’s only normal for you to care for her too. It was kind of you to contact her and she appreciated it. It was also great of you to talk to your son about it too. They didn’t have a split for bad reasons other than they want different things. She will be of course be sad about it as she envisioned her life going a certain way so it’s really nice you messaged her.
As a woman whose ex’s mum got in touch with her to just check in, I really liked it and felt that I was cared for. I also agreed to meet up but it never happened as I needed my distance but was good knowing the family thought well of me.

been and done it. · 15/02/2023 22:38

My son and his girlfriend broke up out of the blue. She was the best thing that could have happened to him. She phoned us in tears to tell us..we were shocked. I sympathised with her and left it at that.
My loyalty was to my idiotic son.
Roll on tomorrow and it's their 8th wedding anniversary.
She's always been grateful for my support that night but it wasn't my place to interfere with my son's decision.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 15/02/2023 23:10

agree ! She was a human in your life

maybe a long term friendships isn’t feasible but you totally have a right to send her your best

samqueens · 16/02/2023 00:15

I’m glad to hear you reached out OP. I think we underestimate how meaningful small gestures of care can be, especially when someone is young and vulnerable. Bravo for navigating the complexities!

magratvonlipwig · 16/02/2023 07:52

She lived with you and you got in well, of course youre going to miss her. Ask yr son if hed be ok with you staying in touch, he'll probably not mind at all. And if hes fine with it, send her a text saying youre sorry it didnt work out, and youre going to miss her. Meet for a cuppa. Even if you only do it once its your way of saying goodbye to someone you were close to.
I still visit my ex MIL.

emptythelitterbox · 16/02/2023 08:45

I'm glad you reached out. She does sound like a wonderful young woman.

Aussiegirl123456 · 16/02/2023 09:17

One of my old boyfriend’s mums once got in touch with me after the relationship ended. It was just to tell me that she thought a lot of me and wished me well. We did meet for a coffee. I really appreciated her kind words.

Years later she added me on Facebook and we message throughout the year. She was a great influence on my life and I am so glad she reached out.

CrackedLookingGlass · 16/02/2023 09:30

Friendofdennis · 15/02/2023 09:32

Or, ‘because your son has made the sensible, mature decision that a relationship formed in sixth form doesn’t have to be lifelong, especially if those involved want different things?’

I would send the girlfriend a message letting her know you’re thinking of her, OP. No need to ask your son’s ‘permission’. You have an independent relationship if she lived with you.

TellySavalashairbrush · 16/02/2023 09:42

I don't see anything wrong with sending her a little card with a message. She was a part of your family for a while and it would be nice for her to know that you care, despite the relationship with your son not working out.
I got a card from a former boyfriend's mum in my late teens and was really grateful that she sent it.

maddy68 · 16/02/2023 09:44

Ask your son

WaddleAway · 16/02/2023 09:49

Just a quick note for those who don’t have the time to read the whole thread, you can easily just read the OP’s posts. You just click ‘see all’ next to ‘OP post’. Then you’d know that she asked her son and has contacted the ex, and that she was happy to hear from her.

Throwncrumbs · 16/02/2023 11:22

As someone with 2 sons who both have had long term relationship break ups, I now do not get too involved with their new partners because it’s too heartbreaking for me. They are my sons choice and although I like them, I’m not giving my all for it to be broken again. Lesson learned.

SunflowerTed · 16/02/2023 21:43

Dacadactyl · 15/02/2023 09:37

I think it is fine to send her a message saying you're sorry they've broken up and that you wish her well. This is not overstepping or weird.

The mother of my ex-boyfriend messaged me 3 years after we had broken up to congratulate me on the birth of mine and my husbands child. I thought it was a lovely thing to do.

this.

hot2trotter · 18/02/2023 11:28

I would keep your relationship ship with her open if she wishes. Low key though, I wouldn't rub it in your son's face by mentioning what she's up to or if she's with somebody new etc.
My mum and I are still in contact with my brother's ex girlfriend (on social media) and we reach out every so often - nothing major, 2 or 3 times a year, happy birthday's and such. But we'd never go back to my brother and say "you'll never guess what ex-gf is doing" or "ex gf has a new job" (examples) to keep it respectful to him. You sound the same as us, thoughtful of your son's feelings, so it can and should work.

5128gap · 18/02/2023 19:23

My ex's mum reached out to me years ago. We're still friends now.
I completely get the urge, she was important to you too and it must be very hard to realise she won't be part of your life again, when you likely thought she might be your DiL.
I think if you're going to try to keep in touch you need really firm boundaries. She doesn't visit and bump into your DS. You don't discuss DS with her or her with him. You don't let on that you wish they were still together (she may take hope from this that you'll influence him) and ideally you wait a few months for the break up to consolidate before you re engage with her on new terms.

Flip

1 2 3 4