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Original poster

Advice on son's ex-girlfriend

94 replies

OlderMumSJ · 15/02/2023 09:15

My son has recently broken up with his girl friend. They dated for over 4 years since 6th form, and the relationship survived different universities as they both worked for their respective degrees. However, he wants to establish his career, whereas she wants to get married. Both have just graduated from their universities. The girlfriend stayed with us throughout the COVID lockdowns and instead of the situation going horribly wrong, she was an absolute delight: funny, intelligent, beautiful and very good company (girl crush anyone?)
I am heartbroken that my son has walked away from her, although I have not said anything and would not argue his choice. She does suffer a little from anxiety, has just started a new job in London, and isn't particularly close to her own family. Should I contact her to say something? If so, what should I say since I don't want to disrespect my son's choice.

Thank you for your ideas!

OP posts:
whatadoodledo · 15/02/2023 10:16

I was that girl 20 years ago. My ex boyfriend's mother sent me a letter. It was very kind but actually it felt distant in many ways and I'd have liked a few coffees with her to make my departure a bit easier to be honest. I think with your sons permission ask if you can stay in touch with her. My brothers ex of 25 years ago is still my close friend (she ended up being my bridesmaid!) and my mother still also keeps in touch with her. You don't need to cut her off.

squashyhat · 15/02/2023 10:17

My parents stayed in touch with an ex of mine (we only went out for a year or so and broke up when I went to university) until they died. I have no idea what they said to him about the relationship ending (it was my doing) but he moved on, I moved on and if they wanted to stay friends with him it was fine by me. He came to both their funerals.

Fraaahnces · 15/02/2023 10:19

You have to cut your losses I’m afraid. You will only add to her heartbreak.

Sleepsleeprepeat · 15/02/2023 10:19

I split up with my university boyfriend at a similar time - his mum and his SIL both wrote to me to wish me well, and I was really touched. You had a relationship, separate to that of your son and her, I think it’s lovely to recognise that

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 15/02/2023 10:26

It sounds like you had a close relationship as you lived together for quite a while. I think a quick message/coffee is fine. Wish her well, but don't ask for details etc

monsteramunch · 15/02/2023 10:29

Friendofdennis · 15/02/2023 09:32

yes I would contact her to say goodbye. You have formed a relationship with this girl too. It would be awful to cut her off without a backward glance just because your son has strung her along for so long

He hasn't strung her along though? They've dated while very young and he's ended the relationship because they want different things instead of just saying what she wants to hear and actually stringing her along. He's made a mature, responsible and respectful decision by doing that.

WaddleAway · 15/02/2023 10:32

Fraaahnces · 15/02/2023 10:19

You have to cut your losses I’m afraid. You will only add to her heartbreak.

Why will it? Staying in contact with my ex’s mum and sister didn’t add to my heartbreak, it would have been far worse if people I’d developed a close relationship with independently of my ex had just stopped bothering with me. Ex’s sister is still a close friend and even came to my wedding to now DH.

WandaWonder · 15/02/2023 10:34

Fraaahnces · 15/02/2023 10:19

You have to cut your losses I’m afraid. You will only add to her heartbreak.

How do you know she is heartbroken?

God there are so may armchair experts on someone only the op knows

vamptable · 15/02/2023 10:39

You're going to get such conflicting messages here but having been the girlfriend in this scenario (except I broke up with him), contact her if you want to and think she would appreciate it!

I have difficulty with my own mother so during my last relationship, his mum became like mine really - I lived with them during the lockdowns. Leaving him was like losing a boyfriend and people who I considered my family as well - little did I know his mum felt very much the same as you did, and she contacted me about 1 month after we split.

We still probably talk once a week & meet up every so often for a coffee and catchup. She is honestly one of my favourite people & probably always will be. Your friendship with the girl does not have to end just because your son has dumped her, if you don't want it to Smile

ivykaty44 · 15/02/2023 10:45

Actually after knowing someone for four years & them being an integral part of your life through lockdown, is it so terrible to send a message wishing her well?

sending a message to say wishing you well for the future and giving her the compliments you did on your op is a positive thing to do and is kind.

I’ve never had contact with my dds ex’s but circumstances have been very different from this

vamptable · 15/02/2023 10:50

And as far as what you should say, just don't talk about your son's choice. You can have conversations and a relationship with her independent of him.

In the first message ex's mum sent to me, she said that whilst she was sad I'd decided to leave him, she understood and wanted to let me know she was there for me regardless.

I remember in those weeks before receiving the message, I was so so hurt. It's since transpired that she was just really struggling with losing a member of her family (like I was!), but I thought it was because suddenly she didn't care - or hated me for leaving her son. The relief when she cleared that up was unbelievable - so I think this girl would likely really appreciate a message from you, OP. Even if only to acknowledge that she'll be missed by you and that you're there if she needs anything

jitteryquick · 15/02/2023 11:01

Weird responses on here! As long as there isn't some back story that you haven't told us that means your son would not want you to do it,then please do send her a message to let her know you're thinking of her. She sounds like she was a wanted part of the family for quite a while so it would be totally understandable for you to acknowledge that..

Mariposista · 15/02/2023 11:16

Your son is in his early 20s, he (and she) will probably have several partners before finding the one. Leave them to it.

NoodleQueen90 · 15/02/2023 12:09

Why not ask your son if he would be ok with you sending her a message?
About 18 years ago, my sister was with a guy, they broke up amicably (although both were quite upset) as my sister wanted kids and he didn't. My mum, sister and I all got on so well with his mum and sister and are still friends with them on Facebook. Also bump into them locally from time to time and we always have a chat and think how nice it is to see them.
If your son isn't ok with it then obviously look after him first but if it's a fairly amicable split then I think it's nice to remain friends.

mindutopia · 15/02/2023 14:00

I think it's perfectly okay and actually really kind to be in touch with her. I assume you aren't going to be in touch to tell her that you think your son is an idiot and she needs to somehow win him back! But she was a big part of your life for many years. They have both grown up and are moving on, but it's not like poof she just vanishes into thin air. My mum stayed in touch with one of my exes from around the same time (he's a perfectly lovely guy and I stayed in touch with him too - actually dh and I attended his wedding). And I've stayed in touch with a sibling's partner after they broke up. I would assume you aren't doing it to try to get them back together or to get any gossip, but I think it's fine just to let her know that you are thinking about her and you hope she's okay.

BlueVixen · 15/02/2023 18:34

I struggled when my daughter split with her long term boyfriend. He was gorgeous, really got on well with her brothers and me and was erudite and very personable. I also got on really well with his mother. She replaced him with a pretty surly chap who really couldn't hold a conversation and was really clingy. I didn't say anything but I missed the original bf and his input into our family. It's not our business.

LondonSouth28 · 15/02/2023 18:37

Ask your son if he minds you sending a little note. But I also think if I was her it would make me sad to be contacted by you, it would make me realise how much I'd lost (boyfriend and amazing family). It's a tricky one but definitely check with your son what he'd be happy with.

Couldntthinkofausername24 · 15/02/2023 18:48

My ex boyfriends mum messaged me when we split about 12 years ago. She was ever so lovely and I was gutted to not be apart of their family anymore. Since then I've moved on, got married, had a family and my newest mother in law is an absolute monster! Not that that is relevant but yes I would send a very simple message 'hello, I'm sorry to hear about you and xxx. You've been part of our family for such a long time and I know I'll miss you terribly. Please take care in all your future endeavours'

MyStarBoy · 15/02/2023 18:56

I think it would be a lovely gesture.
I remember many years ago my ex-boyfriend's mother phoning me.
She was lovely and I will never forget it as it meant so much to me.
I still think of her now.

Zanatdy · 15/02/2023 18:59

I don’t see anything wrong in checking on her. As long as you don’t get involved or offer any false hope to her.

Blueblell · 15/02/2023 18:59

she lived with you during lockdown so you must have developed a bit of a relationship with her. I think it would not be unreasonable to contact her and say that you are sorry things haven’t worked out but you would love to have a coffee some time.

ZenNudist · 15/02/2023 19:04

Lesson learned not to get so invested again. I know how you feel as years ago DBIL has a great GF he'd been dating since school. She was lovely and very much part of our family. Me, DH, and PIL all wanted to keep her! It's not your business and I wouldn't contact her. If you see her again be friendly but it's understandable that your DS didn't want to be tied down so young. Take his side.

Iwonder08 · 15/02/2023 19:05

Ask your son how he feels about you sending a nice message to her wishing her all the best. I would most certainly encourage my son to chose establishing career over getting married at 21. Sounds like he has a sensible approach to life. Why would a girl want to be married at 21..very strange

Sandra1984 · 15/02/2023 19:06

I would contact her, something along the lines of “I’m so sorry the relationship didn’t work out but it was great having you at home for a while and I wish you the best in your London endeavours and new job. Warmly, Signed x”

Voila. Earth shattering. And no, you don’t need your sons permission for being human.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 15/02/2023 19:09

OP you had a relationship with her as well and i don't think you're unreasonable to want to reach out to her as long as the focus is on you and her and not to do with interfering in the decision your son has made. Did they end on good terms? My mum still had contact with my brothers gf and her mum as well as they had become close. My brother had remined friends with his ex and he was happy with this level of contact. If you do contact her it would probably be best to be open about this with your son.