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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice on son's ex-girlfriend

94 replies

OlderMumSJ · 15/02/2023 09:15

My son has recently broken up with his girl friend. They dated for over 4 years since 6th form, and the relationship survived different universities as they both worked for their respective degrees. However, he wants to establish his career, whereas she wants to get married. Both have just graduated from their universities. The girlfriend stayed with us throughout the COVID lockdowns and instead of the situation going horribly wrong, she was an absolute delight: funny, intelligent, beautiful and very good company (girl crush anyone?)
I am heartbroken that my son has walked away from her, although I have not said anything and would not argue his choice. She does suffer a little from anxiety, has just started a new job in London, and isn't particularly close to her own family. Should I contact her to say something? If so, what should I say since I don't want to disrespect my son's choice.

Thank you for your ideas!

OP posts:

basilsenia · 15/02/2023 19:12

For what it's worth, I disagree with the majority of the posters on here.
When I went through a break up with an ex boyfriend (we were together for 3 years), pretty similar situation with regards to me not being particularly close to my family. His mum posted a very sweet letter through my door, just to say that she was sorry that things didn't work out, and if I ever needed her for anything whe was only a text away. I really appreciated knowing that I meant something to her and the family.
I think it's fine to contact her if it's on the same kind of level as the above. She will probably appreciate it if you got on well

bloodyeffinnora · 15/02/2023 19:12

of course its fine to send her a message, you had a relationship with her too, why would you just cut her off like that just because your son no longer wants to be with her. i would definitely send her a message wishing her well.

seekingafreshstart · 15/02/2023 19:13

Sandra1984 · 15/02/2023 19:06

I would contact her, something along the lines of “I’m so sorry the relationship didn’t work out but it was great having you at home for a while and I wish you the best in your London endeavours and new job. Warmly, Signed x”

Voila. Earth shattering. And no, you don’t need your sons permission for being human.

This.

When my shitty ex left me, it really hurt that I was cast out of his family overnight. I was the person who had been buying all of their presents and cards as well - I did wonder if he ever bothered to acknowledge their birthdays without me there to do the wife work. Maybe his new partner took over, but it would have taken her a while to figure out the right dates, given how little of a crap he gave about it.

I would have really appreciated a short message from any of his relatives just to say, 'I'm really sorry it didn't work out, but I wish you all the best.' Even if there was no further contact... just a kind word and a goodbye. Some closure, with her knowing that no matter what transpired between her and your son, you didn't think unkindly of her.

Of course they stuck by him, he was their relative, but given he cheated on me and I was the wronged party, it hurt even more to be cast aside...

If your instinct is to offer some compassion, do so. Your son can choose not to be in a relationship with her, but he can't choose for you to not say goodbye to her yourself.

TheFlis12345 · 15/02/2023 19:16

I am shocked at how utterly cold some posters are being about someone who was essentially a member of your family for a long time!

I had two splits after similar length relationships in my early 20’s and both times the ex’s mum sent me a lovely card saying they were sad it had ended and they wished me all the best for the future. Both were hugely appreciated and my mum has since done the same with ex’s of DB, and always received a lovely response.

IneedanewTV · 15/02/2023 19:17

Perfectly reasonable to send a message. I kept in touch with my boyfriends parents. I got to know them so well and spent a lot of time with them.

AaaaaandBreathe · 15/02/2023 19:20

I would definitely give her a text. Tell her you're sorry it didn't work out, wish her all the best in her new job and you can meet up for a coffee when she's in the area. Your relationship with her is separate to your sons so unless you were still planning on inviting her to family events (which would BU), YANBU. Poor girl has lost the family she had with you and the future she thought she had. Age doesn't come into it and IO assume you'd do the same for friends. She'll move on but don't all cut her out when it's so raw.

TicketBoo23 · 15/02/2023 19:20

the relationship survived different universities as they both worked for their respective degrees. However, he wants to establish his career, whereas she wants to get married.

She wants to get married at 21/22?

There are people, outside of fundamental religions, who are ok with this/want this and people who don't. I'd say most people don't. I'm afraid I don't blame your son for walking away if that's what she saying.

TicketBoo23 · 15/02/2023 19:21

both times the ex’s mum sent me a lovely card saying they were sad it had ended and they wished me all the best for the future.

That seems like a good idea.

No dialogue, but expressing that you miss her/cared about her/are sorry it didn't work out.

DelphiniumBlue · 15/02/2023 19:23

No reason why you shouldn't maintain contact with her - as she stayed with you during lockdown you must have been quite close.
People do stay in touch with their ex's families - I'm in contact with the brother of one ex, and and went to the wedding of another ex's sister, went to the mum's funeral as well. My friend's mum was in touch with all the girls her sons went out with up to the time she died. If you like someone and care about them, that doesn't stop.

Frogscottle · 15/02/2023 19:37

I had a bf of 4 years at that age whose family I felt closer to than my own at the time. They were so good to me and I didnt ever get to thank them for that. Losing them was almost as heartbreaking as losing him. I still think of them occasionally 30 years on. I’d send her a message telling her that you want to make sure she is ok, and to tell her you’ll miss her and to keep in touch from time to time so you know she continues to be alright.

ImAvingOops · 15/02/2023 19:40

I was very upset when my son and his gf split up. She was lovely. They were still in good terms and I sent her Christmas/birthday cards and presents for a couple of years. I didn't want her to think I only cared about her because of her relationship with my son. I think when a son's gf has stayed in your home and isn't close to their own family, it's a bit different - you tend to absorb them more into your own family and care for them in their own right, not just as someone your child is dating.
I think it's okay to send her a message to see if she's okay and to say you are very sorry things didn't work out

Panjandrum123 · 15/02/2023 19:45

@OlderMumSJ she lived with you, was part of the family for a good while. Of course it’s not wrong to message your son’s ex to say sorry things ended and hope you’re doing well, best wishes for your future.

My DSis is still in touch with her son’s ex, partly because she is a friend of her daughters. She was part of the family for ages and if we’re going out she comes too. They’ve both had new partners since. The family has adapted and all know there’s no way they’re getting back together.

niugboo · 15/02/2023 19:46

Crikey no. Leave it. You’re the last person she needs to hear from at this point.

HazelBite · 15/02/2023 20:00

Your relationship with your son's ex is "your" relationship, your son no longer has a relationship with her. You like her, there is nothing that should stop you maintaining some contact with her.
I maintain contact with my ex DIL, she is lovely and I love her, I also like DS's new partner. ExDIL has been part of my family for 10 years, I don't rub it in DS's face about how much I see her/maintain contact, but I regard her as a friend, and therefore treat her as such.
Op you do what you feel you should.

StillWantingADog · 15/02/2023 20:08

I think a short message to say you hope she is ok and wish her well is perfectly appropriate.

Not the same situation at all but when I broke up with a long term dp I did get some nice “goodbye and hope it works out” messages from his friend and family which at the time were really appreciated.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 15/02/2023 20:17

You have a relationship with her, not just through your DS. I think it's really sad that you think it might not be appropriate to contact her. I would send her a message saying you're sorry it didn't work out with DS and that you wish her well.

frostyfeb · 15/02/2023 20:21

I would contact her, she's been part of your family and it wouldn't hurt to say sorry things didn't work out between her and your son, but that you are always here if she needs anything, or even just a chat.

Ydkiml · 15/02/2023 20:28

Absolutely yes contact her , just saying how lovely you think she is and hope she’s ok and you wish her well in her future but ask your son first if it’s ok . Explain to him why you’d like to contact her . They were together a long time and she became part of your family . She would be so great full to hear you care .

Nandocushion · 15/02/2023 20:32

When my DB and his girlfriend split up (long time ago and older than yours) my mum was sad and continued to keep in touch with his ex, who lived a flight away, by mail - she'd send letters and little gifts etc because they'd got on so well. Eventually the ex had to send mum a letter telling her that as she was no longer dating DB she really didn't want to continue a relationship with my mum. I cringed so hard but she was right. Do you think you'd have any sort of relationship with this young woman were it not for your DS? Of course not. If you absolutely must make contact, a short message wishing her well is all you need to do.

Essexgirlupnorth · 15/02/2023 20:33

My uni boyfriend's mum sent me a lovely note when we split up after 3 years together. Saying she was sad they are wouldn't see me again and wishing me well for the future.

Sandra1984 · 15/02/2023 21:06

I believe the only time sending a warm "wish you well" note would be unapropiate is if the relationship ended in bad terms, there was drama involved, cheating and whatnot or ended in some sort of "traumatic" break up, then I believe staying away is best, otherwise I don't see an issue.

RicardaPrycke · 15/02/2023 21:06

eish · 15/02/2023 09:28

Your son has been very sensible, knowing he is not ready for a lifetime commitment and getting out rather than going along with it and letting people down at a later date.

You need to back away I am afraid.

This.

samqueens · 15/02/2023 21:11

Of course you can message and it doesn’t just have to be some generic ‘wishing you all the best’ thing. You can make it personal and positive.

“I am so sorry to hear that you and X have broken up. On a personal note I just want you to know that we have loved getting to know you over the past few years and having you stay with us. Even in the nightmare of COVID you remained wonderful company, and we have always valued your sense of humour, intelligence and kindness. I hope it will help to know this, and that you’ll always remember your value - any man (and his family) will be lucky to have you. All the very best for the future”

This isn’t about relitigating the end of the relationship - it’s about letting her know that she IS good enough, and saying goodbye to someone who meant something to you, even if they aren’t going to be a part of your life going forward.

Original poster

OlderMumSJ · 15/02/2023 21:33

Thank you so much for all your thoughts and perspectives across the spectrum from 'go for it' to 'hell, no!'. All have made me reflect deeply about my own motives for a possible contact and my own depth of feeling about the situation.

To give you some feedback, as suggested I did talk to my son who was surprised but okay with getting in touch with the girlfriend. I texted the girlfriend; she responded saying she was hoping I would reach out, and that she will really miss us. We will meet up at a future date.

Again, thank you for helping me through this and for all your viewpoints. The kindness of strangers .......

OP posts:

Solasum · 15/02/2023 21:40

I was very fond of an ex boyfriend’s mother, and was very touched when she wrote to me to say goodbye, also sending me some fabric for dressmaking (an interest we had shared). I never saw her again, but thought of her often, and was very sorry to hear of her eventual decline and death.

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