Masturbating straight after intimacy

[BeSmartLikeEthelButKindLikeMildred]

Wasn't sure whether to post this in relationships or the sex topic but think I may get a more balanced view here. So today DH and I had a rare child free afternoon and evening as DC were at their grandparents. DH and I don't have the best sex life, he attributes this to us both working long hours and says he's too tired. He also says he has a low libido but will still masturbate a few times a week. Anyway, I suggested we try and schedule some time together today/tomorrow with DC being away. We had sex earlier and both enjoyed it. DH makes a comment about doing it again tonight. I was chuffed. Straight after the sex he goes to fix himself a snack and says he'll be back soon to have a nap (DC were up last night and we were both tired today). I go downstairs about 30 minutes later to get a drink and to see what's keeping DH and walk in on him clearly having just masturbated. I pretend not to notice, get my drink and go upstairs. He came up a few minutes later and went to sleep. I appreciate that he is absolutely free to do what he wants with his own body and it's not for me to expect him to get all his sexual needs from me. But I was quite taken aback at him masturbating basically straight after we had sex (and yes he 100% ejaculated). Perhaps stupidly I feel like I don't satisfy him or that he blatantly prefers porn/wanking to me and just had sex with me to keep me happy. I don't want to make a big deal out of it and I know it's likely my own insecurities coming out. But I just found it a bit odd. He's mid forties so I was also quite surprised that he was physically able to "go again" in such a short space of time. Don't really know what I'm asking, I suppose just reassurance that this is normal and I'm being silly to feel hurt?

Your last message was absolutely spot on @MoonbeamsGlittering. Yes the situation is utterly soul destroying but can I really break up a family over lack of sex? Yes I know there's more to it than 'just sex,' there's the lack of care, the selfishness and inability to communicate openly. But, if I left and were a single parent, my life and my kids lives would undoubtedly be much, much harder. I can attest to this having been a single parent to my older DS for years prior to meeting him. I suspect if I leave him, it will be out of the frying pan into the inferno. And I also suspect I would bitterly regret it.

Staying in a relationship where your oh is totally selfish and treats you like shit is different from making loads of effort for said selfish prick

Why bother?

If you don't want to leave, don't. But don't waste your time on someone who doesn't care about you.

I agree with @Twawmyarse2 i would find it difficult knowing my partner was wanking off a few times a week after saying he’s tired or got low libido. You wouldn’t be wanting to do anything if that was the case. If i was too tired and he was in the mood by all means please yourself. But yanbu op i would be having words if that was mine!

You seem to make a lot of excuses for his appalling treatment of you.

It comes across like you've fallen for his excuses hook, line and sinker.

Want better for yourself OP.

I fail to see how he has a low libido if he still wanks 3 times a week. Sounds like its just an excuse to wank over porn instead.

And I would absolutely leave my marriage if my dh was doing this. Its not about the sex as such, he's showing what a selfish arse he is and not giving a shite about your feelings at all

Really sorry to hear that those seem to be the options you're left with. I think this comes up quite often on Mumsnet, so your situation is certainly not unusual, not that this is much of a consolation. If you're convinced that you don't want to leave him any time soon then I guess that simplifies what to do now - I guess the question is whether you want to look for other ways of possibly working on things with him (but that might just cause more frustration) or whether you feel like just temporarily giving up on trying to work on this (to save yourself from more rejection and frustration, but long-term it might not be possible to be OK with it.)

Have you had another baby after years for him?

He sounds just awful.

I think you shouldn't do anything rash but I certainly would start detaching and protect yourself.

You deserve much better than this.

In your opinion, people will always watch it if it’s available, it’s there to serve a purpose & it does exactly that. Men & women don’t watch it & think about objectivity it’s just a means to an end. I’d much rather be open about it than shame people & make them feel dirty. Regardless I think there are other issues in this situation that need to be addressed rather than how/when/why he wanks.

@Tiptoearound

Its not really an opinion. The vast majority of porn is exploitative to women in lots if different ways

Of course people will watch it. That doesn't make it OK.

And yeah, if you can get off watching trafficked women being raped because you don't think about the ethics then Id say that's pretty shameful

And that's before we get to the issues of the actual nature of the porn

You don’t like it I get it but it is ok & men & women have been using it for sexual gratification for a long time, it’s even used in fertility clinics. Anyway your disproval won’t change the fact that human beings are sexually aroused by sex

That's a total strawman

Rapists are aroused by power, it doesn't make it OK for them to rape anyone

You don’t like it I get it but it is ok & men & women have been using it for sexual gratification for a long time, it’s even used in fertility clinics. Anyway your disproval won’t change the fact that human beings are sexually aroused by sex

You can choose to watch porn but to act like there are no ethical concerns and no relationship issues whatsoever would be just plain stupid.

And I'm coming to this conclusion who started watching as a teen, so not the older demographic either.

But decided not to (shock) because of the issues ive found around it.

I feel for you, he sounds like a selfish lover, ok for him to climax but not bothered about your pleasure. He doesn’t have a low libido as others have said, he is just too lazy or doesn’t want to have much sex with you. How do you think he would respond if you sat him down for a chat and told him how hurt you feel that he’s horny enough to watch others having sex and wanking, but doesn’t want to have sex with you? He clearly finds the porn more exciting or perhaps it is a laziness issue. Either way it’s very hurtful and I’d feel exactly the same as you do

Ok that’s your opinion & I disagree. Nevermind I won’t be losing any sleep

Lol

As I said not opinion

Did you actually see him ejaculate, @BeSmartLikeEthelButKindLikeMildred ? If you didn’t, I’d suspect that he faked it, for some reason, hence the downstairs wanking.

Everything you’ve said about him since makes him sound horrible, frankly - he sounds like a selfish, nasty, person who is deliberately putting you down. I think you can do much better!

@ViburnumFarreri yes he 100% ejaculated. @billy1966 our youngest DD was unplanned. We were together about 2 years before I got pregnant. None of this behaviour was apparent then, we had a good sex life until approximately a year ago. It didn't change overnight, was more a gradual thing. No sign of an affair very open with his phone, we work in the same environment and no whispers at work etc. It has been suggested he's on the spectrum at work occasionally due to certain mannerisms.

Ok

Op you are too afraid of rocking the boat. Where is your anger at his selfish behaviour?

Mans perspective here.. I don't think there's anything to worry about unless it got in the way of you both going again later on OP?

I literally had this happen last week, we'd had really good sex and my gf fell asleep not long after but then maybe 20 minutes later I was ready again so went out the way and dealt with it. There was no reason, I'd finished etc when we had sex but clearly something had flicked the switch in my body after. It's impossible to explain it sometimes once can keep me going for days and others this happens 🤷 it's worse if I have a hangover as then it's constant all day!

Absolutely no need to be like this at all but hey - I said if it's affecting other aspects of sex then maybe it's time to worry. Individual instances aren't an issue, particularly if it doesn't stop sex, a pattern of masturbation instead of sex is, but you do you and get lairy with strangers online who don't affect you in any way shape or form 🤷