Masturbating straight after intimacy

[BeSmartLikeEthelButKindLikeMildred]

Wasn't sure whether to post this in relationships or the sex topic but think I may get a more balanced view here. So today DH and I had a rare child free afternoon and evening as DC were at their grandparents. DH and I don't have the best sex life, he attributes this to us both working long hours and says he's too tired. He also says he has a low libido but will still masturbate a few times a week. Anyway, I suggested we try and schedule some time together today/tomorrow with DC being away. We had sex earlier and both enjoyed it. DH makes a comment about doing it again tonight. I was chuffed. Straight after the sex he goes to fix himself a snack and says he'll be back soon to have a nap (DC were up last night and we were both tired today). I go downstairs about 30 minutes later to get a drink and to see what's keeping DH and walk in on him clearly having just masturbated. I pretend not to notice, get my drink and go upstairs. He came up a few minutes later and went to sleep. I appreciate that he is absolutely free to do what he wants with his own body and it's not for me to expect him to get all his sexual needs from me. But I was quite taken aback at him masturbating basically straight after we had sex (and yes he 100% ejaculated). Perhaps stupidly I feel like I don't satisfy him or that he blatantly prefers porn/wanking to me and just had sex with me to keep me happy. I don't want to make a big deal out of it and I know it's likely my own insecurities coming out. But I just found it a bit odd. He's mid forties so I was also quite surprised that he was physically able to "go again" in such a short space of time. Don't really know what I'm asking, I suppose just reassurance that this is normal and I'm being silly to feel hurt?

I think if you are hurt that is telling you something and I wouldn't be in a rush to gaslight yourself with the 'boys will be boys' rationalisations

@AnneLovesGilbert yes he knows I would like more sex. I would definitely have a higher sex drive but then again I'm a fair bit younger than him. We're both shift workers (emergency services) so I do appreciate that we don't have much time together as we work opposite shifts for childcare. But when we do have the odd morning/afternoon together he will often say he's too tired. I appreciate there is a lot less effort involved in a wank than sex but at the same time it is self indulgent and lazy. There are occassions were I prefer to masturbate than have sex but generally I prefer sex/other intimacy. I didn't climax earlier and he knows this so I'm doubly disappointed that we're not having sex again tonight as he's currently sleeping again

Ah OK fair enough.

I dunno OP. I think you've handled yourself the best you could really. Maybe he thought, you were too tired for more sex? And he was still feeling a bit in the mood from earlier in the day.

I don't think the refractory period really applies to masturbation. It does for sex but for men - sex is a physically undertaking (most of the time). Unless you're there doing gymnastics! For most guys, it's a pretty vigorous cardio session where they're moving, supporting you and their own body weight (if they're a decent sort of bloke in bed). Whereas masturbating isn't.

It was probably just something like that - him thinking you were tired and going to sleep, and him being a bit puffed out from earlier but still feeling in the mood.

Sort of a - getting older is an arse - kind of thing.

I don’t see any of this as a massive deal, although I probably would have just asked if he’d been having a wank when you came down.
Masturbating is completely normal whether in a LTR or single and is a separate thing to sex with your partner. Sex with partner is about intimacy, love, connection, giving and receiving pleasure etc. Masturbation is about pleasuring yourself, it’s quicker and doesn’t matter how tired you feel. I personally don’t have any problem with porn and see it more as a tool for masturbation. Both me and my husband use it for that purpose and sounds like OPs husband does the same. Three times a week is certainly not an addition to porn, get a grip some of you!
My take on this is that you both enjoyed the sex, he went downstairs to get a snack and got turned on thinking about it and decided to have a quick wank.

My take on this is that you both enjoyed the sex, he went downstairs to get a snack and got turned on thinking about it and decided to have a quick wank.

I wouldn't be flattered that my OH is so turned on by sex that he goes to watch porn, personally. Yes, three times a week is excessive to some people who don't like porn in the first place.

Just to add, having seen your most recent comment OP, one thing I would be hacked off about is that you didn’t climax during sex. Does this not bother you or your DH? So he got to climax during sex then had a wank, yet left you unsatisfied? Hell no to that, raise your standards OP.

@Smineusername I don't think I'm really saying boys will be boys. I find it quite odd that he wanked so soon after sex. Either a) he was so horny from the sex he wanted to relieve himself again and didn't want to approach me as he thought I was sleeping or b) he doesn't enjoy sex with me at all and only does it to keep me happy. Or c) he wasn't particularly horny but wanked "for the sake of it"
As I said I don't like porn, I wish it didn't exist. But it's an unfortunate reality that many men do watch it with some regularity. Again, not all men watch it, but it's very naive when posters think that most don't at least even occasionally.

It is compared to the average, especially considering that it is 3x that you know of and ?x that you don’t. He’d likely fall into the 4-6x per week category, which was less than 10% of men. For comparison, 30% of men fell into the rarely or never category (1x/month or less), most of which reported being happy with the sex in their relationships. Most common was 1x a week or 2x if they reported wanting more sex. I’d have to dig out my notebooks for more but he does seem to masturbate more than most men, yes. These figures were from studies done shortly before the pandemic and were both with and without porn, though unsurprisingly less frequent masturbation corresponded with less or no porn use.

Of course, this assumes that he is not on the ASD spectrum which changes all of the statistics entirely.

@CheeseFiend40 yes it did annoy me that he didn't seem to care that I didn't climax. He came quite quickly and then I think he knew I was a bit disappointed as he said about doing it again later. @Poppy44 that's interesting about the refractory period for men with regards to masturbation, I didn't know that. Do you mind me asking how you know that? Not being goady, just something I'm genuinely curious about
@EllieM27 funny you say about ASD I have wondered about that before. Not in regards to the masturbation but other quirks/mannerisms he has. It has been suggested at work too. Is there a link between masturbation and ASD? Maybe I'm being naive but I don't think it's generally as excessive as 6 days a week. My DH is honest to a fault (quite brutally at times) so I don't think he would lie. I know there's occasions he'll not masturbate for maybe 5/6 days then he might do it 3 days in a row for instance. But he's fairly open if I were to ask him. In the past I have been guilty of snooping on him (during a period we were having zero sex). I'm not proud of it but it did seem he was telling the truth about the frequency of it. He genuinely doesn't understand why I've previously got upset about him wanking instead of sex in the past which makes me wonder if he's on the spectrum. Other things to in day to day life he just doesn't seem to get why he might upset/offend someone. The no filter honesty makes me query ASD too.

? Which threads exactly and what posts exactly please?

@HoboHotel one more thing, what exactly do you consider as weird ?

@BeSmartLikeEthelButKindLikeMildred the primary thing should be is for the lady to have a good session.

Ah, that could very well be part of it especially with the other factors. In one study the majority (over 60%) of autistic men qualified as compulsive masturbators, including around 35% doing it daily and ~20% multiple times a day (compared to 0% of non-autistic men for daily frequency).

It may be worth looking into more for you. You’ve said that he is 45 and you’re younger than he is, and he clearly masturbates too much because he leaves you unsatisfied. Ultimately you have to decide if this is something you’re willing to sacrifice for the rest of your life.

@randomusername2020 I sort of hinted that he could maybe finish me off 'another way' after he climaxed but he said about having sex this evening instead. I was a bit disappointed but not overly so as thought it would be something to look forward too. When he was wanking downstairs, I'm pretty sure he thought I was sleeping so it likely didn't occur to him to ask if I was up for it again. But it has annoyed me how he went to bed early tonight after knowing he left me high and dry. We had planned on watching a film but he toddled off to bed around 9pm saying he was tired. I knew not to bother asking about more sex as it would be no plus I don't want to sound pesty. I asked him why he didn't nap for longer earlier if he was still tired(we both napped for about 2 hours) that way we could have sat up and enjoyed tonight, but he just said he didn't feel tired when he woke.

He is avoiding intimacy with you and quite possibly that suits you as you are also avoidant but projecting the issue onto him

Agree with this

So he's a shit, lazy lover who doesn't care if you climax, and claims to have a low libido but admits to wanking to porn several times a week?

You don't have to tolerate this shit. You also says he's 45 and you're considerably younger. This situation won't improve. He will get older and lazier and you will get more and more frustrated.

Throw him back and find yourself a partner who isn't a lazy, porn obsessed literal wanker.

In the meantime I would also buy myself an impressive selection of sex toys and tell him something needs to get the job done when he can't be arsed.

Stop making excuses for this man and stop letting him throw you crumbs of sex when he can be arsed. You're only 30, in the absolute prime of your life. Please don't waste any more time letting this man destroy your self esteem or convince you that a selfish porn obsessed half arsed sex life is acceptable.

Exactly this.

It's likely OP that he climaxes more intensely over fantasies that you don't indulge in as a couple. As a pp said, she gives herself a better orgasm than anyone else can.

It sounds like the biggest issue is that he doesn't think about your sexual satisfaction enough. If he frequently thought of your pleasure then it might not be an issue at all for him to go off and masturbate as well. There's a whole spectrum of people out there, from very thoughtful to very selfish, and it sounds like maybe he's closer to the selfish end of that range. It sounds like his primary sexual relationship is with himself. That's his choice, of course, but not so great for you.

''@Botw1 · Yesterday 21:11
Maturation doesn't have anything to do with sex though''

You might want to have a rethink about what you posted...:)

Anyway back to you OP, your partner would really turn me off: claims he has a low sex drive, rarely has sex with you and sneaks off to masturbate after you just had sex.

Very likely he is more interested in porn or a specific fantasy that the real life woman he is married to and only cares about pleasing himself. Sounds like he has got comfortable in a routine of seeking gratification though masturbation.

Just reading your story gave me the ick so I could not imaging living with someone like that.

@Greenfairydust

No, I don't.

Sex is not the same as masturbation.