Masturbating straight after intimacy

[BeSmartLikeEthelButKindLikeMildred]

Wasn't sure whether to post this in relationships or the sex topic but think I may get a more balanced view here. So today DH and I had a rare child free afternoon and evening as DC were at their grandparents. DH and I don't have the best sex life, he attributes this to us both working long hours and says he's too tired. He also says he has a low libido but will still masturbate a few times a week. Anyway, I suggested we try and schedule some time together today/tomorrow with DC being away. We had sex earlier and both enjoyed it. DH makes a comment about doing it again tonight. I was chuffed. Straight after the sex he goes to fix himself a snack and says he'll be back soon to have a nap (DC were up last night and we were both tired today). I go downstairs about 30 minutes later to get a drink and to see what's keeping DH and walk in on him clearly having just masturbated. I pretend not to notice, get my drink and go upstairs. He came up a few minutes later and went to sleep. I appreciate that he is absolutely free to do what he wants with his own body and it's not for me to expect him to get all his sexual needs from me. But I was quite taken aback at him masturbating basically straight after we had sex (and yes he 100% ejaculated). Perhaps stupidly I feel like I don't satisfy him or that he blatantly prefers porn/wanking to me and just had sex with me to keep me happy. I don't want to make a big deal out of it and I know it's likely my own insecurities coming out. But I just found it a bit odd. He's mid forties so I was also quite surprised that he was physically able to "go again" in such a short space of time. Don't really know what I'm asking, I suppose just reassurance that this is normal and I'm being silly to feel hurt?

Obviously they're not the same. You said they have nothing to do with each other.

If your dp is forgoing sex for wanking and leaving you unsatisfied, I'd say they have something to do with each other.

@Botw1' 'No, I don't. Sex is not the same as masturbation.''

What a lot of nonsense...

Sex is many different things to different people. Sex is not just intercourse.

@bigbloom

I don't think they do have anything to do with each other.

The oh being shit and selfish at sex is a separate thing to him masturbating

@Greenfairydust

Sex is not just intercourse but always involves 2 people

Masturbation does not

I agree with PP that the main issue may be the inherent selfishness rather than the masturbation. I hinted to him this morning about sex again and he said 'will you give it a rest' and rolled over. Feeling very small and humiliated now.

@BeSmartLikeEthelButKindLikeMildred

You do a lot of hinting

Why not just be upfront? Tell him exactly how you feel?

Divorce, why?

I mean, I wouldn’t be with someone who watches porn, but op made herself be okey with it.
So why divorce here?

@Botw1 I did a bit more than hint. Basically told him how horny I was thinking about giving him oral yesterday, whilst rubbing my hands over him. His response 'would you give it a rest, I'm going to sleep.' Prior to this he was reading the news on his phone

Have you actually discussed how selfish he is though? Outside of asking for sex?

Told him he didn't make you orgasm and you're disappointed and feel like shit he then went and had a wank?

You say there's lots of other issues, have you discussed those?

Being shamed for having a sex drive is such a shitty feeling. Do you think he's not confident that he can make it good for you, so he just avoids it sometimes? Maybe coming quickly yesterday knocked his confidence? Or is he just often selfish?

So he wasn't horny after and rejected you to masturbate instead?

Wow. I don't think I'd initiate ever again after this. He must've made you feel humiliated

To porn, no less.

He's just got up there. I told him straight up I was horny. He said 'sort yourself out then, I've a sore back' and went downstairs. He will genuinely not get how hurtful this is.

@bigbloom no the rejection was thus morning not yesterday

I'm not sure if that makes it better or worse to be honest, why is he so harsh about it? A simple 'I'm not in the mood, maybe later' would do

@MoonbeamsGlittering it's a good point but no I don't think it's that. He genuinely just doesn't care about my needs/pleasure.

Good grief

Christ, he sounds horrid. Not the wanking (find it weird people are so bothered by the idea of an adult masturbating - I do every day, does that make me a weirdo!?), but the not giving a shit about whether or not you enjoy sex.

And also making you feel small and horrible about it when you bring it up. Dick.

@housemaus that's the bit I find hurtful. The wanking adds insult to injury but it's not the biggest issue. He's downstairs with his "sore back" whilst I'm sobbing in the bedroom feeling like an ogre. He doesn't know how upset I am nor would I let him see me like this. But even if he did, he really wouldn't understand at all why I'm upset. I had gotten a wax and tan to look my best for him, which he knew.

Do you think there's any hope in talking with him and asking him to think of you more? Or have you tried with him before to no avail?

But why?

Why are you making an effort for someone who makes none for you?

Why do you want to have sex with someone who doesn't care about your pleasure?

Porn is not the issue, there is nothing wrong with watching it, I watch it it regularly alone & with my husband however I do think it’s bit unusual for him to wank straight after sex. If it bothers you then ask him about it, you won’t get any answers here

There's loads wrong with watching porn

It's completely exploitative of women

Because she is married to him, with kids, and he's probably a good partner in some ways, so it's not easy just to leave. Choosing between keeping the family together and having good sex is very hard. Then when there's a hint of the sex improving, and then that's snatched away, it's a crushing disappointment.

@MoonbeamsGlittering I don't think there is any point. I went down again to get a drink. Thankfully I didn't catch him wanking this time 🙄 but he was clearly in a bad mood. I went back upstairs then. If I bring it up he will say I'm a pest, put too much emphasis on sex. He'll tell me how much of a turn off it is etc. Then it will be an excuse to not come near me again. It will absolutely escalate if I bring it up. I'm really embarrassed to write this but when he said about being too sore for sex I suggested he used his hands on me. That's when he said about going downstairs and for me to see to myself. I really was coming across as so needy. But I suspect his back isn't sore as prior to the rejection he had mentioned about doing certain chores around the house that are fairly laborious so that's why I'm calling bullshit on the sore back. As PP have mentioned the core issue isn't even the wanking. That certainly doesn't help matters but I dont think it's the reason he doesn't want sex. It's the complete disregard for my feelings that is hurtful plus the inability to have a candid conversation about it.