Is having kids worth it? Do women have crap choices? choices

[TwoTwitTuTu]

I'm 37 TTC baby 1.

Finding myself very ambivalent.

My partner of two years is committed and motivated. He'd be a great dad. He isn't perfect, he can be a little impatient and short tempered and obviously this will be worse with kids. However I do think he will be committed and motivated if we have a baby and I won't be left alone as many women are. Financially we are very secure and don't want for anything, so I'm incredibly lucky.

His family are a little overbearing, but nothing shocking. The usual MIL problems. I'm an only child,no parents around, but warm relationships with extended family.

For years I wanted to meet someone I could have a baby with and finally I have. We have been TTC for two months.

However I'm now finding I'm ambivalent about it, having wanted it for ages. When my period comes, I'm slightly relieved. I dread birth and dealing with the early years and sleeplessness and exhaustion.

TBH, I'm not feeling excited about the prospect of a baby, I think they're cute, but the 24/7 nature of it frightens me. Childbirth fills me with dread. Having to care for a young infant every single day sounds quite honestly exhausting. I don't know if this is because I'm 37 and just have less energy? I work as a professional currently in a job with long hours and could afford to give it up, but don't particularly want to. However my job is pretty technical and I wouldn't be able to do it on little sleep or part time so I think that would likely have to end.

I know my partner wouldn't quit his job. I also know if I said I didn't want kids he would probably split up with me.

I don't think I could be in a better position to have a baby though. Loads of women do with less.

However it's just looking a bit bleak from where I am, I feel genuinely tired thinking about the idea of a baby.

I think if I said I wanted to stop TTC I would fairly quickly find I am on my own with no nuclear family and no prospect of that in my life again.

I could meet someone and have a romantic relationship, maybe step kids, but that's probably the closest I would come to family if I decided I don't want a baby with my current partner. That sounds pretty bleak as well.

I keep wondering if I have slight depression or something as all of my choices as a woman just don't look that great?

Or do you think that maybe I'm just too honest with myself about the choices society presents us with and they are just kind of awful options?

I wouldn't mind being a father, but the mother role, or the alternative of being that crazy cat lady both look so unappealing.

I feel like everyone around me is married with kids and it just doesn't look great. I feel like everyone seems sorry for, or mocks the single women in their forties... What is actually a good choice here? What's the happy path? I feel like the problem isn't with me, I've had loads of counselling. I genuinely think it might be that the choices are bad.

... Does anyone have any wise thoughts?

I think the problem is with you actually. There aren’t only two choices ‘motherly’ or ‘crazy cat lady’. What has made you feel like there are only two options? It’s about 50/50 in my friendship group in terms of people having children, neither group judges the other.

I’m a mother due to my sex, but in reality feel like a 50/50 parent. Both my husband and I work long hours in a professional role, but we make it work. We jointly carry the load. I definitely don’t fit into the role of a hard done by mother.

My best friend is happily single, has a great time, we meet regularly, still have all the stuff we had in common before I had a baby. She doesn’t have any pets let alone a cat!

Doesn’t sound like you want a child, but you don’t think your partner will want to be with you if you don’t. That’s a completely different choice than single cat lady or put upon mother.

If you don't want a baby don't have one just for the sake of your partner. Not fair to a child

Keep in mind that sleepless nights and kids being little is just for short time. You need to think what you want long term.

If your job is important for you then you can go back to work after maternity leave. A baby might sleep better by then so it's not a given that you'll be sleep deprived and your partner should do his share too. Lots of women work full time after having babies and while it's less common in UK it's considered a norm in many other European countries. It takes planning, supportive work place and involved partner but it absolutely can be done.

Nobody can tell you how your experience as a mother will be. In my circle it's extremely varied with some women hating baby phase and some loving it. Some having easy babies and some having difficult time for first few months.

Babies and very young children are tiring.
If you would rather keep your job than be a mum do that (given you said you couldn't do both).
I think if you reluctantly become a mum to keep your man and you aren't happy as a mum you'll end up using your life and resenting him anyway.
The child will suffer, who wants to grow up feeling like your mum didn't really want you! 💔
I enjoy being a mum, I do a good job of it, parenting isn't random it's a skill and done well produces good results like anything else, so they are decent humans I like spending time with and I feel proud of them and my role in shaping who they are. The baby toddler years were tiring but I viewed it as an investment, you have to play the long game.
While being a mum I've got a degree and built my own house so it's not my only identity and I've learnt skills along the way.

You're not just having a baby. You're becoming a parent for the rest of your life and it is a hard job. Don't do it unless you really want to.

I felt very similar to you. I am simply not very keen on babies etc. I find childcare boring and exhausting. And I like my job which requires a lot of concentration. I also like holidays, free time etc.

We now have two DC (and yes, both were on purpose). They’re great. Once they talk and we’re into the toddler years, I enjoy it and find it satisfying, alongside sometimes (but less often now) still finding it boring. And once they sleep properly (with a bit of sleep training at 6m for one of them, but for the other one spontaneously) I am able to feel happy and like myself. Having 3-4 years between them helped a lot.

I still work in my own line of work and am more senior than when I had DC1, though it’s probably been slower progression. We use childcare, sometimes have a babysitter and go to the theatre, I exercise, see friends, DH and I each have a weekend away solo once a year. We get less of those things than we used to, but on balance it’s tiring but good. The choices have turned out to feel a lot less crap than they did before I did it.

And just to add as a mum of an only child I noticed my life is less restricted then when you have more.
It's easier to work full time, easier to travel, you're not being pulled in different directions trying to meet needs and schedules of multiple children. My son is a bit bigger now and majority of the time I don't find him hard work at all (only sometimes 😂) and he definitely adds so much fun, love and purpose to my life.

Thing is, being a parent is the work of decades, and IME it gets harder after about age 10. If you are unsure, you'll have to do a lot of soul-searching and make a choice; it's so much more than the first six months of sleepless nights.

I think you should have a proper discussion with your partner about what happens with your career and his if/when you have a baby. Seems odd that you're talking as it's all assumptions about will happen that you're drifting into, instead of what it probably ought to be: active decisions to be made jointly & thoughtfully.

The time to have these discussions is now, before you conceive.

If you don't want to give up your career (and you shouldn't, especially if you're not married) - are there options to have a condensed week? How much paternity leave will he take? Can he do condensed hours? If he equally wants children, he should be considering doing 50/50 with the childcare, not just writing off your career and income while his life remains unchanged.

How are you going to protect your own financial interests if unmarried. If you're considering becoming dependent on his income, that will leave you very vulnerable. Have you discussed how money will work? Your pension pot, etc?

You're right to be worried about the impact on your life - but it's stuff you should sort with your partner now.

Stop TTC and decide what you want things to look like. Only once you've agreed how it will work and how you will be protected if you do give up your career, should you TTC.

A few observations

You're not just having a baby, you're having a child, a teenager, etc- possibly more than one.

They might have special needs.

Some posters are suggesting you might not need to give up your job etc. You have rightly anticipated that it might well not work out that way, even if that's the idea goin g in. I personally found my plans were as nought, when they met reality.

If your dp wants a child but won't give up his job, how much does he really want a child? If he expects the woman to do more of the parenting/make career sacrifices (you haven't elaborated on his views but it sounds a bit like this) does that make him the man for you?

I think it is a major red flag that your partner seems desperate for a child but is not prepared to be a father.
By that I mean that he is unwilling to reduce his hours and spend more time with his child. I don’t think that is a good father at all because he can afford to reduced his working hours.
I can’t tell you what to do but I can tell you this with certainty; it will not be your partner who takes the hit.
Will he seriously get up willingly at all hours to comfort a screaming baby? Will he rush home from work to change nappies. Or does he like the idea of being a father. Kicking a football around the park on a warm summer day. Going to the coast with his child ( after you have got his child ready) etc.
On the other hand you are lucky in that you can afford paid help. You can pay someone to clean your house and look after your child.
I would wait a bit and see how you feel in a few months.

I always say, if you are on the fence in regards to having a baby, don't do it. It's too huge of a life change to be unsure about. I've never felt less free in my life. That being said, I love my children with my whole heart. But had I known how relentless parenthood was though, I'm not 100% sure I would have done it. And that's coming from someone who has always without a doubt wanted children.

I'm the opposite to most women on here, in that I never felt the urge to have a baby, never actually wanted one. I don't like children much, never have and wasn't willing to sacrifice my life to do something that I didn't really want.

I also had the example of my own parents - my father didn't actually want children, ended up with 3, and decided when I was 9 to 'give up' on family life and work abroad. So myself and my 2 brothers were stuck with my very resentful mother, who to all intents and purposes was a single parent for the next decade. She made it pretty clear she resented our very existence. Amusingly, she now wonders why she has no grandchildren....

I'd say don't let other influence your decision, at the end of the day it's YOU that has to have the child, and more than likely will be the primary caregiver. Unless you are very eager and excited about that idea, I personally wouldn't do it.

I would also take a long , hard look at your dps father. What type of man is he? Does he cook, clean? Was he actively involved in his children’s lives? Or did he leave it to dps mother?

Don't have children because your partner may leave you. If you want different things in life now is the time to have that discussion.

I am a mother of 2 with a large age gap. Both the same dad. We both always wanted children. And both were unplanned. Both are very much loved. I can not stress that enough.

But, I mourn for the days when we were child free. I feel like I've lost a huge part of who I am. Everything from waking naturally on Sunday morning to boozy holidays are gone for now and probably for many years yet. There's little room for being spontaneous. Our sex life and energy levels have flattened like I never imagined possible. Money is fine and we are lucky but we look at the cost of things differently now. It's draining. My life revolves around school schedules and clubs rather than dinners and nights out in proper clubs.

If I could go back in time, knowing what I know now...I'm not sure I would have children. Now, H and I are faced with the fact that our values and life goals are different fundamentally. It's a struggle. We stay together for the kids and in a way for each other. There is a lot of love still there but sleepless nights, sickness, tantrums, cebeebies, the endless laundry, both working ft, the noise and mess are killing me. (Yeah, I'm being dramatic) but, I plaster the smile on my face and break out the playdoh and continue on.

Maybe you're feeling ambivalent about it as you have an impatient, short-tempered partner who will leave you if you don't have a baby, but isn't prepared to sacrifice any of his current set-up to be a father.

This again. There are no ‘good reasons’ to have kids, it’s just if you want one or not 🤷🏼‍♀️ if you’re ambivalent it probably means you don’t. It’s not one of those benefits vs risks type decisions, it’s emotional. Just go with your gut. Partner sounds like a bit of a wanker by the way. The last thing you need in a dad is a short fuse.

I never ever knew I wanted children until after they were born. I am now that parent, all about the kids and when people ask if I’d like time away I’m thinking ‘eh, why?’ I let my career go because of the cost of childcare and couldn’t have cared less. I am now working in a min wage job that I love. I’ll be really honest with you op, you don’t sound like you want a child l, and children are tough, exhausting etc. but on the other hand maybe you’re exhausted ttc and have forgotten how you’d be happy? Are you happy with life in general? Plus you have listed the pitfalls- all money, time to yourself etc goes out the window, but the great moments are awesome, in the proper sense of the word. Don’t have a child because you feel you have to, but don’t not because you think it’ll make you happier iykwim. The people I know who wanted babies the most seem to find it toughest, because they’re caught in the ‘this is what I wanted’ trap.

You are approaching it on a rational basis , doing a cost benefit analysis

What I do not get from you is being madly in love with your partner, and wanting HIS baby, not just anyone's

I always thought I did not want children, but with the "right" partner I did. Well, it was still a hell of a ride. But if I would have been like warm about it, it would have been so much tougher

Yes having kids is wonderful. But also tough, and you can lose yourself (and your partner( very easily) for a few years.

Having no kids can also be wonderful, all that freedom and disposable income, a nice tidy home exactly how you want it, time to look after yourself and have fun

You sound ambivalent to me, and lukewarm about your father...

Everyone always talks about the tiring expensive inconvenience of kids, which is all very true, but I also find it utterly wonderful and glorious and incredibly fulfilling. I say that as a very breadwinner career person as well, if that helps you to connect - my work is great at being flexible, it’s a respectful pretty enlightened corporate environment. I wasn’t moony after babies - but I did want a family. Love it. Definitely talk with your DP about how he sees family life. Try to understand his assumptions.

If you have mixed feelings dont have a baby. Its a lifelong commitment - we all think the baby days are challenging but it gets harder as they get older…

I never wanted children as I didn’t like them, I concentrated on building an excellent professional career from an early age. But, they happened along anyway, three in three years, and my word what a ride it’s been! They’re now late 20s and amazing, funny, loving people with great partners. We adore each other still. I’ve enjoyed every single moment, honestly, even though the marriage in the end didn’t work out. Looking back, I don’t know how I did it but I stayed working full time, as a freelance once we the youngest went to school. I was the main breadwinner. It all fell into place. It helped that I was too busy to overthink it!

Personally - and I know I will get flamed for saying this on here but - I honestly think bringing a child into this world is not only crazy, it's bloody selfish! We are in a state of permacrisis, and climate change is just the tip of the iceberg. If you're not keen on having a kid, then for god's sake don't have one.

If you feel tired at the idea of a baby maybe it's not for you. There's much to consider when it comes to motherhood and it's not for everyone. My ds has severe SEN and I would never do it again. I cherish my freedom insofar as it exists now. Don't go into motherhood blindly or as a way to keep a partner. You can have a fulfilling life with or without kids.

I agree with you and its one of my reasons for not having any more. The world is not a good place for kids now.