I'm 37 TTC baby 1.
Finding myself very ambivalent.
My partner of two years is committed and motivated. He'd be a great dad. He isn't perfect, he can be a little impatient and short tempered and obviously this will be worse with kids. However I do think he will be committed and motivated if we have a baby and I won't be left alone as many women are. Financially we are very secure and don't want for anything, so I'm incredibly lucky.
His family are a little overbearing, but nothing shocking. The usual MIL problems. I'm an only child,no parents around, but warm relationships with extended family.
For years I wanted to meet someone I could have a baby with and finally I have. We have been TTC for two months.
However I'm now finding I'm ambivalent about it, having wanted it for ages. When my period comes, I'm slightly relieved. I dread birth and dealing with the early years and sleeplessness and exhaustion.
TBH, I'm not feeling excited about the prospect of a baby, I think they're cute, but the 24/7 nature of it frightens me. Childbirth fills me with dread. Having to care for a young infant every single day sounds quite honestly exhausting. I don't know if this is because I'm 37 and just have less energy? I work as a professional currently in a job with long hours and could afford to give it up, but don't particularly want to. However my job is pretty technical and I wouldn't be able to do it on little sleep or part time so I think that would likely have to end.
I know my partner wouldn't quit his job. I also know if I said I didn't want kids he would probably split up with me.
I don't think I could be in a better position to have a baby though. Loads of women do with less.
However it's just looking a bit bleak from where I am, I feel genuinely tired thinking about the idea of a baby.
I think if I said I wanted to stop TTC I would fairly quickly find I am on my own with no nuclear family and no prospect of that in my life again.
I could meet someone and have a romantic relationship, maybe step kids, but that's probably the closest I would come to family if I decided I don't want a baby with my current partner. That sounds pretty bleak as well.
I keep wondering if I have slight depression or something as all of my choices as a woman just don't look that great?
Or do you think that maybe I'm just too honest with myself about the choices society presents us with and they are just kind of awful options?
I wouldn't mind being a father, but the mother role, or the alternative of being that crazy cat lady both look so unappealing.
I feel like everyone around me is married with kids and it just doesn't look great. I feel like everyone seems sorry for, or mocks the single women in their forties... What is actually a good choice here? What's the happy path? I feel like the problem isn't with me, I've had loads of counselling. I genuinely think it might be that the choices are bad.
... Does anyone have any wise thoughts?