Is having kids worth it? Do women have crap choices? choices

[TwoTwitTuTu]

I'm 37 TTC baby 1.

Finding myself very ambivalent.

My partner of two years is committed and motivated. He'd be a great dad. He isn't perfect, he can be a little impatient and short tempered and obviously this will be worse with kids. However I do think he will be committed and motivated if we have a baby and I won't be left alone as many women are. Financially we are very secure and don't want for anything, so I'm incredibly lucky.

His family are a little overbearing, but nothing shocking. The usual MIL problems. I'm an only child,no parents around, but warm relationships with extended family.

For years I wanted to meet someone I could have a baby with and finally I have. We have been TTC for two months.

However I'm now finding I'm ambivalent about it, having wanted it for ages. When my period comes, I'm slightly relieved. I dread birth and dealing with the early years and sleeplessness and exhaustion.

TBH, I'm not feeling excited about the prospect of a baby, I think they're cute, but the 24/7 nature of it frightens me. Childbirth fills me with dread. Having to care for a young infant every single day sounds quite honestly exhausting. I don't know if this is because I'm 37 and just have less energy? I work as a professional currently in a job with long hours and could afford to give it up, but don't particularly want to. However my job is pretty technical and I wouldn't be able to do it on little sleep or part time so I think that would likely have to end.

I know my partner wouldn't quit his job. I also know if I said I didn't want kids he would probably split up with me.

I don't think I could be in a better position to have a baby though. Loads of women do with less.

However it's just looking a bit bleak from where I am, I feel genuinely tired thinking about the idea of a baby.

I think if I said I wanted to stop TTC I would fairly quickly find I am on my own with no nuclear family and no prospect of that in my life again.

I could meet someone and have a romantic relationship, maybe step kids, but that's probably the closest I would come to family if I decided I don't want a baby with my current partner. That sounds pretty bleak as well.

I keep wondering if I have slight depression or something as all of my choices as a woman just don't look that great?

Or do you think that maybe I'm just too honest with myself about the choices society presents us with and they are just kind of awful options?

I wouldn't mind being a father, but the mother role, or the alternative of being that crazy cat lady both look so unappealing.

I feel like everyone around me is married with kids and it just doesn't look great. I feel like everyone seems sorry for, or mocks the single women in their forties... What is actually a good choice here? What's the happy path? I feel like the problem isn't with me, I've had loads of counselling. I genuinely think it might be that the choices are bad.

... Does anyone have any wise thoughts?

I felt ambivalent and I regret it. I love my child dearly and would do anything for her but I think I would have been much happier child free. I really wouldn’t have one to keep a partner, after it’s done it’s done and you can’t undo it. It sounds like your partner would expect you to bear the brunt of any job changes. Doesn’t sound great.

I saw a great bit of advice saying before having a baby would you want to have one even if it meant going it alone?

Somehow you don't sound that into your partner to be honest.

I wanted to have babies with my DH because I was besotted with him & excited to become parents together. Well that and I always knew that I wanted kids.

Back to one of the earlier poster - the choice is not having children or being a lonely cat woman. There are so many different ways to have a fulfilling and meaningful life.
Someone once described having a child as basically handing over your life to another human being for 18 years. I'd go with that description except substitute 18 years for a lifetime.
How will you feel if you have a child to keep your boyfriend and he ends up leaving you anyway? Single parenthood is not for the faint hearted.

If I could go back and choose again, knowing what I know now, I wouldn't have children.
Although my children are 1 and 3.5 so I'm still on the tiring manual labour phase.

My mum hopes my brother will have a child. She said it just changes you as a person. Perspective changes and things.

But I wouldn't do it if your ambivalent..no way

This! Also you are creating a connection between you and your DP forever if you have his children.

Don't do it op.

I love my kids but bring a mum is HARD. My baby is relentless. I hid from my eldest this morning to lock myself in the bathroom and cry my heart out due to sleep deprivation. I then fell asleep on the living room floor about an hour after that and my son had to nudge me. I apologised and explained his sister isn't letting me sleep much at the minute. I was absolutely fine the rest of the day but that's because I kept busy - out at the park etc - and drinking loads of coffee. The day is never my own. It's worth it as I adore my kids but I'm just trying to tell u how it is.

I love being a mum but just a tiny snapshot into the difficulties of it.

And all I ever wanted in life was to be a mum, for context.

Being not bring

And also mum has always never understood how I struggle to look after both kids for one day. But since going back to work she and my dad have them both for a day and she's absolutely exhausted! When she drops them off and I make a face or say something like "oh god now it's our time again!" she says "I'm just glad I was ten years younger when I had you!" Meaning she understands now why we are so tired as so is she. It's just our age that's played a much bigger factor. I'm 36 and I honestly find it really fucking tiring.

I honestly wouldn’t have a child unless I madly wanted one. If I was ambivalent, I’d err on the side of caution and stay child free.

I was desperate for my kids, and I’ve still found it SO challenging. If I’d been on the fence about it, it would’ve been one hell of a shocker.

Only have one if you REALLY want to. It’s unbelievably hard work and the burden will fall to you.

Don't have a baby with someone who is impatient and short tempered. Children need endless patience.

As much as I love my ds, I do regret having kids and if we're possible to turn back time I just wouldn't have had any. In fact I'd change so much of my life.

If you're not sure don't do it. That child becomes your life, yes you may find ways to take time for yourself and do some things for yourself but you become a parent first and foremost. Whatever else you are you are a parent first and before any decision you have to put someone else's needs ahead of yours. I love my kids but I think it's ridiculous to suggest it's the best choice for most people. I think that a lot of people would have much better lives child free.

I was you, 15-odd years ago, plus a raging biological clock which ticked so loudly it deafened even reason. I agree with almost all of the above.

HOWEVER, the one thing your OP doesn't mention, and which I didn't know about when I was in your shoes, is the unknown experience of the infinite love I feel for my children, which grows with every day that passes. I hadn't reckoned for it, I had no idea what it would feel like. If I think about it too much, even know, it can stop me in my tracks and take my breath away. It's the single most exceptional thing in my life.

Just another viewpoint.

Ouch this is a hard one. Ambivalence is a pretty destructive emotion.

You don’t have to be mother earth or crazy cat lady.

But I think you do have to be of the mind that a child deserves the best they can get. Not a perfect mother and father. But at least in your mind you have to be able to acknowledge and commit to putting a child’s needs first, for seeing that if you decide to have a child, you decide to be committed to the responsibility.

It should be a shared responsibility, and of course your life won’t end, you can still be ‘you’.

Also, motherhood doesn’t just happen, you grow with your child. You just need to, like a plant, if you have a seed you have to know that you are going to water it, be the sun and the soil. Some days might be a bit rubbish, some days might feel great. It’s a commitment to caring really, and letting go a little of our own egos to share our lives and be a carer for someone who needs us.

Don't do it if you're ambivalent, you will regret it. It is a full on, non stop, thankless job.

I have a child who is wonderful and amazing but I don't get this obessesion with having kids like it's the lasted version of a mobile phone people just have to have

You don't have to be any particular parent if you have you can be who you are with a child but if you don't want a child don't have one, it is not fair on a child to be born just because

I think people who obsess over having a child does it to fix some think they think is wrong with them or to fill something they think is missing

When my period comes, I'm slightly relieved.

I have to say i read this and had to reply. This is exactly how I felt when I was ttc! As a result we didnt try that often so i was consumed with guilt. I felt the same as you in that my partner most likely would have left me if we hadn't have had DS. Like you say, I would have been left high & dry, and it was my only chance to have a family. I had 2 mcs then DS was 3rd time lucky. I was saved! Tbh I know it's awful thinking this way but I think it's one of the negatives of being a woman. Very outdated opinion I realise!

Anyway I'm so glad and thankful to have DS. I had him when i was nearly 41, and he was my only. Without doubt he is the best thing to ever have happened to me.

Whatever happens I wish you all the best going forward.

I was going to write just this.

If you're not sure now, before you experience the full reality of parenthood, be very careful before committing to it.

Having said that you are putting in a lot more consideration than some do and perhaps that means you are more prepared

This is me, I would honestly not do it as you aren't sure. You have more than two choices, but if you think you only have two, then get the cat (and I don't like cats!)

Mum of one, a very much wanted child. Little did I know... I would never want to do it again.

I definitely think you should have the 'I want to be Dad not Mum' conversation with him, having kids requires a hell of a lot of compromise so if he wants that he can't assume you are going to be the perfect uncomplaining mum while his life doesn't change. And you need to feel you have agency and won't lose everything if you don't toe the line.
Tell him what you have noticed about mum's - he probably hasn't noticed it himself.

As a woman always think worse case scenario and imagine being let down by your partner and proceeding as a LP. If you'd be ok with that then crack on, otherwise as an unmarried woman in a relatively short relationship, conceiving a child would be the last thing on my mind.

Some women are lucky and want children in a straightforward way. Others of us, I count myself among them, and maybe those who were older when they had their first child are ambivalent. The ambivalence has not stopped for me, it is a life state. I think going from being one person to two people is a mind bend that never goes away. I have often tried to explain to women who don't have children who respond to every complaint "well you CHOSE to have children!" that it is not as simple as that. When you have a child you go through a portal. You can't ever go back to who you were, and so I think there is legitimate grief in that. Not that you should expect anyone to give a hoot of course, they don't. But you can recognise it and be kind to yourself. Also, even if you have chosen something, that does not mean you can't never feel ambivalent about it, frustrated, angry, disappointed. Having a child is uniquely a choice you make without knowing what it really entails.

I found the adjustment to being a mother very hard. I found the world was unkind to mothers, and that society does not value mothers or children. I feel having a child destroyed the relationship with my husband, with the end to my privacy that it entailed and the endless pressure that was put upon us and especially me. I am sure this is not the case for others, perhaps, but it was for me.

The payoffs are not compensation. They are simply that I have participated properly in what life, for me, is about. I love my daughter, and I think the world is better for her being in it. I am glad I have given someone an opportunity to have a life, a good one. I think she is a lovely person and may well become an amazing one. I will be connected to someone until I die, and beyond. I have the opportunity to grow as a person myself, to be my best for her. These are all deep things that make my choice the right one.

But I stopped at one. I feel the price of admission to a meaningful life is very high indeed. I am maxed out.

I'm child-free by choice, and I've never wanted children, due to the reasons you listed and more. I don't think it has to be a break life of loneliness and loss. I have a loving partner and a great life.