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Original poster

Terrified my daughter-in-law won’t let me see my grandchild?

98 replies

hunkydory13 · 13/02/2023 09:20

Hi everyone. Looking for a bit of advice.

I’m a mum to 3 boys; My eldest is in a relationship of 1 year, my youngest son is in a relationship of 4 years and my middle son is married for 5 years to a lovely woman who just gave birth 4 months ago to my precious grandson. My daughter-in-law was talking to me about getting a photo shoot as I had one last year with my husband and 3 boys and I and she said it would be nice if my grandson were to be involved. I said yes and that she could come too but took offence when I said I’d like my 2 other son’s girlfriends involved. She said that she feels she is treated differently and is beginning to see us as outlaws rather than in-laws. Her reasoning is that:

She makes much more effort with all the family than the other girls.
She had hormonal problems (states suicidal) during her last 2 weeks of pregnancy when my eldest son and his partner accused one of my daughter-in-law’s friends for prank calling my eldest’s partner.
She believes my eldest son and his partner have something against her despite my daughter-in-law trying to make effort with them by asking to go out on a double date for cinema, drinks, etc and claiming the partner of my eldest made 2 excuses not to make her baby shower.

I am really upset as I just want everyone to get on (my daughter in law says she has no issues but is just expressing how she feels), she has said as she feels uncomfortable that she may not attend some family occasions such as Sunday lunch if the eldest and his partner are there. I’m scared this is the same for my grandchild. I just feel it’s a bit dramatic saying all this after talking about a photo shoot that hasn’t even been arranged yet! She says she still has pregnancy hormones everywhere but it’s been 4 months!

Any advice or anyone in similar situations? Thanks.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 13/02/2023 09:22

her point is the same as the people not wanting girlfriends in wedding photos and it is perfectly legitimate for her to say who she wants in her own photoshoot.

Don't be terrified she'll stop you seeing your grandson. Treat her as an individual an don't try to involve everyone in her things all the time. Your son is a married adult with his own child. His priorities are not to make sure you involve all your sons and their girlfriends in his life when they suggest something.

Theunamedcat · 13/02/2023 09:23

Seperate photo shoots? Ultimately she is more family than a girlfriend they deserve a special family only shoot? Show her how much you value her and her child

WandaWonder · 13/02/2023 09:25

I don't feel you had any right to micromanage this, just treat her like an individual

Mumteedum · 13/02/2023 09:26

She's offered to do something nice for you, to give you a special photo with her child/your grandchild. You've then taken her offer and tried to change it.

Just get the photo with her and your son and grandchild and have a nice day with them as a unit.

Leave her relationship with her BIL and partner to them to sort out. You can't fix it because it is better for you.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 13/02/2023 09:28

Id slow things right down until you know more
she’s clearly saying she’s got some mental health issues that came up pre and post partum

back off but make it safe for her and ensure she knows she can you see you without it being a large get together

listen and don’t comment

and also try and learn a bit
you can’t say ‘it’s only 4 months ‘
mental health isn’t linear and fast to resolve

and don’t make it all about you
you seeing your grandchild
and you having a large happy family

things change and evolve

id take a DIL feeling suicidal in late pregnancy very seriously , you are being rather dismissive
and unless you show some empathy and make some adjustments for her fragile state thing will
get worse and not better

Xrays · 13/02/2023 09:29

Mumteedum · 13/02/2023 09:26

She's offered to do something nice for you, to give you a special photo with her child/your grandchild. You've then taken her offer and tried to change it.

Just get the photo with her and your son and grandchild and have a nice day with them as a unit.

Leave her relationship with her BIL and partner to them to sort out. You can't fix it because it is better for you.

This.

ACynicalDad · 13/02/2023 09:29

Be sensitive and she’s not about to cut you out - she may cut out your other son etc, but not you. Maybe the appropriate shoot is baby, parents and grandparents this time. Don’t let your idea of perfect be the enemy of good. Be her ally in this and strengthen the relationship be the inlaw not the outlaw in her mind.

Boomboom22 · 13/02/2023 09:31

Why do they all need to be together? Can't they be a couple and family and visit you without you inviting all the other gfs who are not actually wives with children?

She is clearly saying you treat them better than her, maybe she had to get married to get the family treatment but you give it the others immediately.

RenegadeMrs · 13/02/2023 09:33

I feel that a life skill is accepting that people don't get on and not everyone will be friends.

You can't force this, DIL doesn't get on with your eldest and his girlfiend. Just do stuff with both pairs individually and then occasionally expect them to suck it up and be in the same room for special occasions. You can still have a relationship with your grandson and everyone will be a bit happier. I would draw back if my MIL were trying to force me to have a relationship with someone I really disliked (or felt disliked me) too.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 13/02/2023 09:34

Mumteedum · 13/02/2023 09:26

She's offered to do something nice for you, to give you a special photo with her child/your grandchild. You've then taken her offer and tried to change it.

Just get the photo with her and your son and grandchild and have a nice day with them as a unit.

Leave her relationship with her BIL and partner to them to sort out. You can't fix it because it is better for you.

This.

Why did you try to change the arrangements?

Treat her as a person, not as an appendage to one of your sons.

FictionalCharacter · 13/02/2023 09:35

From what you’ve said, she hasn’t said anything at all to suggest she won’t let you see your grandchild. You do see your grandchild, surely?
If she and your other son’s girlfriend don’t get on, you shouldn’t be trying to make them. It sounds like you’re trying to force them. If she doesn’t want to have lunch with the other son’s partner she shouldn’t have to. She does see you and doesn’t say anything against you, so stop annoying her by trying to be peacemaker.

ittakes2 · 13/02/2023 09:37

Sorry I don't understand why you took over her suggestion. Apologize and leave her to it. She might just want the uncles and her son. .

Petronus · 13/02/2023 09:39

This is all about you and your access to your grandson and nothing about her mental health which jumps out as the most concerning thing about the whole situation.

Beseen22 · 13/02/2023 09:45

Why are you so dismissive of her mental health? You say she had some hormonal issues in the last couple of weeks of pregnancy, she says she was suicidal, obviously we are just getting one side of the story but that's quite a mismatch. Then you dismiss that she could possibly still be affected by hormones 4mpp. I'm 5 months after an 11 week miscarriage and in the midst of a severe hormonal imbalance following this, I'm sure my DH would say I've been a little up and down. When I had my 2 children I wouldn't have said my hormones had settled back until about 18mpp.

moggiek · 13/02/2023 09:46

Petronus · 13/02/2023 09:39

This is all about you and your access to your grandson and nothing about her mental health which jumps out as the most concerning thing about the whole situation.

This, very much.

PurplePansy05 · 13/02/2023 09:46

You are massively overreaching. She has made a kind offer to YOU and you are trying to mould it into what you want instead. Tbh this is a nightmare attitude from a MIL and I'd be distancing myself if I were her. Just be grateful and stop forcing things upon her.

PurplePansy05 · 13/02/2023 09:48

Also, 4 months pp is nothing, I had MH crisis starting 4 months pp. How are you a mother yourself and supposedly unaware that hormones take 12-18 months to regulate, in some cases longer? You sound very cold and unsympathetic towards her and brushing off things your own kids and other partners do. I think your DIL has a point.

Quartz2208 · 13/02/2023 09:52

So she said it would be lovely to include in the photos your grandson - she didn’t include herself you did knowing the clear issues she has with your eldest partner

dont push this you will be taking sides against her

BalloonInvestigator · 13/02/2023 09:53

lovely woman who just gave birth 4 months ago to my precious grandson.

You mean gave birth to her child.

EyesOnThePies · 13/02/2023 09:54

Was this HER photo shoot? As arranged by her? Sorry if I have that wrong but if so you had no business trying to include others.

And surely a nice photo of your Ds, your DIL and you is lovely and doesn’t need the whole family? This is your first grandchild!

Anyway, just talk to her about you and her. How you feel about her, which is hopefully reassuring. Don’t start trying to advocate for your other Ds’s and their partners.

EyesOnThePies · 13/02/2023 09:55

And bear in mind how many women feel post partum. She needs support.

margegunderson · 13/02/2023 09:55

I don't understand why you want to shoehorn loads of others into the photos SHE is organising. My mum used to always want to drag my sister and her kids into anything I did. Love my sister but it infuriated me bc sister and her kids were clearly favoured.
Also - pay a bit more attention to this young woman's mental health. Sounds like she's in a right old state.

Mariposista · 13/02/2023 09:58

She sounds a bit high maintenance and with too much time on her hands. Plenty of smiles and 'yes dear' to keep her sweet. (I imagine your son spends a lot of time with his mouth shut).

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 13/02/2023 09:58

Why wasn't she in the family photo last year?

Inkpotlover · 13/02/2023 09:59

Mumteedum · 13/02/2023 09:26

She's offered to do something nice for you, to give you a special photo with her child/your grandchild. You've then taken her offer and tried to change it.

Just get the photo with her and your son and grandchild and have a nice day with them as a unit.

Leave her relationship with her BIL and partner to them to sort out. You can't fix it because it is better for you.

This. She had a lovely idea, you want her to change it to suit you.