Terrified my daughter-in-law won’t let me see my grandchild?

[hunkydory13]

Hi everyone. Looking for a bit of advice.

I’m a mum to 3 boys; My eldest is in a relationship of 1 year, my youngest son is in a relationship of 4 years and my middle son is married for 5 years to a lovely woman who just gave birth 4 months ago to my precious grandson. My daughter-in-law was talking to me about getting a photo shoot as I had one last year with my husband and 3 boys and I and she said it would be nice if my grandson were to be involved. I said yes and that she could come too but took offence when I said I’d like my 2 other son’s girlfriends involved. She said that she feels she is treated differently and is beginning to see us as outlaws rather than in-laws. Her reasoning is that:

She makes much more effort with all the family than the other girls.
She had hormonal problems (states suicidal) during her last 2 weeks of pregnancy when my eldest son and his partner accused one of my daughter-in-law’s friends for prank calling my eldest’s partner.
She believes my eldest son and his partner have something against her despite my daughter-in-law trying to make effort with them by asking to go out on a double date for cinema, drinks, etc and claiming the partner of my eldest made 2 excuses not to make her baby shower.

I am really upset as I just want everyone to get on (my daughter in law says she has no issues but is just expressing how she feels), she has said as she feels uncomfortable that she may not attend some family occasions such as Sunday lunch if the eldest and his partner are there. I’m scared this is the same for my grandchild. I just feel it’s a bit dramatic saying all this after talking about a photo shoot that hasn’t even been arranged yet! She says she still has pregnancy hormones everywhere but it’s been 4 months!

Any advice or anyone in similar situations? Thanks.

This. Honestly woman, give your head a shake.

She was talking about a photoshoot, and then you said she could come along too? What?

I think you need to do a bit of clarification here, OP, because you're not coming off very well at all.

Decide what you want out of this - do you want a relationship with her and your grandson - if so, listen to her..

She wants to do a photoshoot with her family and he son's grandparents - do it - sounds lovely.

She is uncomfortable around your eldest and his partner - I didn't really understand the details - but protect her space, invite them separately, don't insist that everyone come for Sunday lunch every week.

She is struggling, she has confided in you.. listen, offer support, do not judge, give her space, be there for her.. I am 50 and my youngest child is 13, I have suffered from depression since having my second child - hormones do not disappear with the placenta, I still often feel all over the place, possibly paranoid, not wanting to socialise with people, not feeling comfortable around people.

If you listen to her, give her the space and time she needs, it is in your power to protect and nurture this relationship. If you insist on the whole family doing things together, including your other sons and their partners', at this point in time, you risk pushing her away. It is in your hands.

Well your doing your best to push her away so I can see that happening. The poor women was suicidal in pregnancy and is only 4 months post giving birth. Your focus should be on and supporting her not being worried you won’t see your grand child again.

100% would not want my children meeting random partners as if they are Aunties. She’s ask within her rights to suggest it’s abit unnecessary!

I didn't even start getting post-natal depression until dc1 was several months old. Cut her some slack.

You had a photoshoot last year of you and DH, and your three sons, one of whom had a pregnant wife who wasn't included in the shoot?!
btw they're not 'boys', they're grown men.

Sounds like a lovely idea.

Photo with new baby and grandparents.

Im not sure prospective aunts belong in that photo.

Your DIL sounds frustrated. You sound dismissive. You might bought have to work on that.

Sorry OP I would not be impressed if I was your DIL. She has just given birth...and of course is still hormonal after a few months! Please try to support her and do this occasion just the 4(?) of you. More may be too much for her. I'm speaking as someone who had post partum psychosis, if she felt suicidal recently this behaviour will not be helping her at all.

My partner is from a large close knit family who are loud and I am more reserved. When I gave birth there were endless family occasions that I seemingly had to attend and meet new people to please MIL and their family and it wore me down- not good. It felt like no one was putting my needs as a new mother first.

Please try to see this from her side and stop making it about you.

@Cocobutt "Everything doesn't have to be an extended family event".

Absolutely spot on.

Kindly, OP, you are at fault here. You've had a family photograph without including the mother-to be of your grandson and you clearly hurt her feelings. She decided to rectify this by suggesting a photo shoot that would include you and you basically dismissed her by saying "ok, fine, but you have no special status, you're just the same as the other girlfriends".

I suggest that rather than assuming she is now this over emotional horror story who will stop you seeing your grandchild, you find ways to demonstrate that you like her and will support her as a new mum. Not just as a means of getting what you want with your grandchild, but because you'd like a good relationship with her as a person. Sit down and ask what you can help her with, in practical terms. Don't get involved in the wider stuff between brothers and partners. Just show that you like her and want her to be ok. She has reached out and you have basically missed it. That's ok, no one gets things right all the time, but it sounds as if daughter in law really needs more people in her corner - don't other her, just be there.

Nasty,nasty response..

Any advice? Yes - be kinder to your DIL

Also, I get the distinct impression that you never had a family proper photo with DIL in when she was the gf, so she really has a point there if you didn't.

My reading is that DIL has basically done 5+ years of service as a wife plus however many as a gf and has had to fight to be included in your family (who you still think of as you and the boys) in ways that have now just been handed to the other son's gfs in an attempt to "treat them equally" and now you won't even treat her as special as the mother of your grandchild. This woman will be in your lives forever, hopefully closely if you treat her well. The gf who has been there for a year, not so much necessarily.

This is the type of thing that creates the crazy DIL/horrible MIL dynamic.

(To clarify, you don't have to have family photos with gfs in full stop, but it is wrong to exclude her as a gf and then suddenly later decide you want other gfs in family photos - she is feeling vulnerable and you have really touched a nerve)

Sorry op but I'd be annoyed too. I don't think she'll stop you seeing your grandchild but there was no reason for you to change something she has tried to organise. I invited mil for Christmas despite being 35 weeks pregnant as I thought I was doing something nice for her then she turned around and said she was inviting bil and his gf too. Needless to say I said no and was annoyed at her trying to change it and invite others.
Apologise, let her decide who is at the photo shoot and stay out of the rest of it

I hope these answers cause you to reflect on how presumptuous you are being, and how dismissive of her mental health. The poor woman needs support and understanding, not paranoia she'll wishhold access to her child from you.

There is way too much ‘my grandchild/grandson’ going on here. This baby is her child. You come across possessive of him and she just might be getting pretty sick of it.

Why would you tell her who she should have in her photo shoot? She decides. Just like you decided not to have her or others in your photo shoot with your three sons and husband and you. See how that works? Knowing the one you wanted had accused her of something. We don’t have the truth or full context of this whole thing. Terrified she’ll keep your grandson from you? If you don’t care about or respect her concerns, then why would she bring her family around you? If you’re not careful, you’ll lose your middle son too. Do you play favorites? This sounds like so many family situations where you want to ignore bad behavior of one person or group and lecture the other person for not putting up with it.

Who is organising and paying for this photoshoot? If it's your DIL then you should not be telling her who to include. If it's you then she has no say.

Your other sons aren't married and don't have kids with their girlfriends (that's how it reads anyway - correct me if I'm wrong).

I'm sorry but that does change things.

Also what are you doing having photo shoots with your adult children and not their wives.

She is your family now.

You don't have rights to that little boy until you understand that your DIL is every bit as much of a family member as your own sons and grandson. She's the mother of your Grandson, she's family and connected to you for life. Treat her like she isn't and you put yourself on dangerous ground if that marriage breaks up.

We've had big family photo shoots. That included - my parents, siblings - their spouses, and all the Grandkids. It did not include people who were just dating or living together. That's what pictures on your phone are for. Not several hundred pounds worth of studio professional photos.

I think she was being very generous including you her family photos. You the. Extended that to everyone. She clearly wanted her/DH and child and offered you to be a part of it. She didn't want to arrange a huge shoot with everyone.

You put this so much better than I did. But yes that's what I was trying to say!