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Original poster

Terrified my daughter-in-law won’t let me see my grandchild?

98 replies

hunkydory13 · 13/02/2023 09:20

Hi everyone. Looking for a bit of advice.

I’m a mum to 3 boys; My eldest is in a relationship of 1 year, my youngest son is in a relationship of 4 years and my middle son is married for 5 years to a lovely woman who just gave birth 4 months ago to my precious grandson. My daughter-in-law was talking to me about getting a photo shoot as I had one last year with my husband and 3 boys and I and she said it would be nice if my grandson were to be involved. I said yes and that she could come too but took offence when I said I’d like my 2 other son’s girlfriends involved. She said that she feels she is treated differently and is beginning to see us as outlaws rather than in-laws. Her reasoning is that:

She makes much more effort with all the family than the other girls.
She had hormonal problems (states suicidal) during her last 2 weeks of pregnancy when my eldest son and his partner accused one of my daughter-in-law’s friends for prank calling my eldest’s partner.
She believes my eldest son and his partner have something against her despite my daughter-in-law trying to make effort with them by asking to go out on a double date for cinema, drinks, etc and claiming the partner of my eldest made 2 excuses not to make her baby shower.

I am really upset as I just want everyone to get on (my daughter in law says she has no issues but is just expressing how she feels), she has said as she feels uncomfortable that she may not attend some family occasions such as Sunday lunch if the eldest and his partner are there. I’m scared this is the same for my grandchild. I just feel it’s a bit dramatic saying all this after talking about a photo shoot that hasn’t even been arranged yet! She says she still has pregnancy hormones everywhere but it’s been 4 months!

Any advice or anyone in similar situations? Thanks.

OP posts:
CornishIrish · 13/02/2023 10:42

Mariposista · 13/02/2023 09:58

She sounds a bit high maintenance and with too much time on her hands. Plenty of smiles and 'yes dear' to keep her sweet. (I imagine your son spends a lot of time with his mouth shut).

Ewwww. High maintenance to want to choose who is in her own family photo shoot? The controlling MIL’s always out themselves without shame 😆

HowcanIhelp123 · 13/02/2023 10:43

@hunkydory13 You need to chill out. You're trying to enforce this whole big family dynamic on her when she clearly does not want it.

She offered you a photoshoot with your grandchild. You should have graciously accepted it rather than trying to railroad into this bigger family shoot.

There are clearly issues between her and your other children and their partners. That's fine, people don't always get along. You can maintain a seperate relationship with her and baby and them. Her not wanting to come to dinner with them doesn't mean she is banning you from seeing your grandchild, you can arrange something else to do with her.

Right now she doesn't have a problem with you. She will if you keep pushing her away and wail about how hard it is for you if they don't get on. Maybe they'll work it out, maybe they won't. But you'll be in the dog house if you stick your nose in and meddle.

Calphurnia88 · 13/02/2023 10:44

StarsSand · 13/02/2023 10:26

People don't usually cut off grandparents because they had different ideas about a family photo.

Is there more to it?

Yes. It's pretty glaringly obvious that there is tension between DIL, and the eldest son and his girlfriend.

OP even lists this as 2 of the 3 reasons DIL gave for feeling she is being treated differently, with an incident involving the eldest son and his GF appearing to coincide with her feeling suicidal at the end of her pregnancy.

@hunkydory13 needs to be exploring this with sensitivity instead of focusing on how this might affect her.

Also 4mo PP is nothing.

StClare101 · 13/02/2023 10:45

Wait, you had a family photo shoot last year and didn’t invite your sons wife? How rude! Now you’ve said she can “come along”.

What are you doing about your shithead sons prank calls??

MissWings · 13/02/2023 10:45

@TheLadyofShalott1

I wish you were my mother in law.

Hoppinggreen · 13/02/2023 10:46

She was talking about a photoshoot and you wanted to invite the whole family.
My MIL used to do this and it was bloody annoying - as far as she was concerned they came as a pack and that’s it.
You overstepped and upset her, apologise and don’t do it again

zzzexhaustedzzz · 13/02/2023 10:46

I know from experience how toxic and destructive this fear about not being allowed to see your grandchildren can be. My ex’s mother went practically insane about it after we separated. I thought: we still get on, what could the problem be? She was completely neurotic- it ended up ruining our extended family relationships on that side and she did indeed end up seeing them only twice a year for the rest of their childhoods. You sound like a nicer person TBH, but it does seem that some grandparents, women usually dare I say, struggle with this and attempt to control things.
Be the best person you can, consider the children and their need above all, for a happy, settled mother and father, hopefully supported POSITIVELY by the wider family network.
And ignore silly squabbles as much as possible. You are one of the elder matriarchs now, set the tone.

Brefugee · 13/02/2023 10:50

tbh if i had ever gone to my MIL and asked if she wanted to be in a photo with her son, me and our DCs and she then said "yeah but all the family" I'd have told her to fuck off. I loathe my SILs and their offspring and wasn't overly keen on my MIL but, well, my DH loved her so I'd have sucked it up for him and the DCs.

But the SILs? nope.
And yes, she would have seen much less of our DCs because we didn't visit often anyway because all the SILs used to force themselves into our plans. So. Meh.

MsMarch · 13/02/2023 10:51

The photoshoot is very confusing.

If it is YOUR photoshoot, then of course, you can choose to invite whoever you like. Although, it sounds like last year you excluded ALL the partners, including your (presumably pregnant) DIL... ouch.

If it is HER photoshoot - you turn up on the day, wearing whatever theme or colour or whatever she has requested, you smile and enjoy lovely photos with your son and his wife and son.

Meanwhile you should

  1. stop dismissing her mental health issues. Perhaps take the time to actually talk to her and/or your son and see what you can do to help. 2). get real - your eldest's partner is relatively new on the scene and is causing shit and prank calling your actual DIL. Bloody hell, I'm all for not taking sides but that's ridiculous. Be on your DIL's side right now.
Climbles · 13/02/2023 10:52

I would message or call her and apologise. Say you got a bit over excited about having some family pictures and didn’t think about it from your DILs perspective. Say you’d love to take her up on her original offer and will pay for a dinner out after somewhere your DIL likes or a take away if that’s easier with the baby.

HappyintheHills · 13/02/2023 10:53

Your DIL has kindly and openly explained to you problems she has experienced with the unkind behaviour of other members of the family.
You need to listen to her and support her.

AllTheThingsIWantAreHere · 13/02/2023 10:54

Did you know about the alleged prank call before trying to include everyone in the photo shoot? If so then that was very pushy and it's not surprising she feels annoyed. Trying to make everyone get on together when there is stuff like that is wrong.

Justalittlebitduckling · 13/02/2023 10:58

BalloonInvestigator · 13/02/2023 09:53

lovely woman who just gave birth 4 months ago to my precious grandson.

You mean gave birth to her child.

Absolutely this.

MiddleParking · 13/02/2023 10:59

It’s this DIL’s friend that’s supposed to have prank called the eldest son’s girlfriend isn’t it?

FourAndTwentyBlackbirdsBakedInAPie · 13/02/2023 11:01

She wanted a photo shoot for her family, which she kindly included you in, then you tried to turn it into a photo shoot for your family.

Suggesting she would stop you seeing her child, when she hasn't even kicked up a huge fuss, is just ridiculous, and says everything we need to know about you.

You want to centre yourself in a drama you've created so you can make yourself a victim. You're also trying to take over with her son, the language you're using is clear about that.

This is her son, she calls the shots. You should be grateful for any offers you get to be included and you absolutely shouldn't be manipulating her.

Justalittlebitduckling · 13/02/2023 11:03

I think it’s weird when people have a Photoshoot with their adult children and exclude the partners. You are not the nuclear family unit anymore. They are their own nuclear family units and you are their extended family. This clearly communicates to the partners that you don’t see them as family in the same way you do your own children. The family dynamics have changed and you need to work out your new place in them.

CornishIrish · 13/02/2023 11:05

It seems as if she is really struggling and maybe dealing with all kinds of complicated feelings including potentially wanting more validation from you as a maternal figure? Accusing your elder sons girlfriend of instigating or being involved in prank calls and insisting that she should be at a baby shower could either be a genuine concern of serious feelings of insecurity. Either way you need to be really gentle with her. Accommodate a little, know that four months after a first especially is no time at all and make a little special fuss of her and the baby without being overbearing. The more you worry about reduced contact and try to avert that you may end up causing it to happen. Reassure, reassure, reassure. Your long term relationship is worth it.

Intrepidescape · 13/02/2023 11:06

What’s wrong with you? Your son’s girlfriends are not your daughters in law and they shouldn’t be present in photos with this woman’s son. It’s batshit crazy. What were you thinking???

LoekMa · 13/02/2023 11:11

She should keep her distance from you. MILs like you describe yourself are a nightmare

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/02/2023 11:13

"My daughter-in-law was talking to me about getting a photo shoot as I had one last year with my husband and 3 boys and I and she said it would be nice if my grandson were to be involved. I said yes and that she could come too but took offence when I said I’d like my 2 other son’s girlfriends involved".

Now why did you say that at all to her?. This photoshoot was her idea, not yours and now its likely it will not happen. You want to curry favour with these other women?.

I also think you were looking for a different set of responses and were not expecting the ones you got.

ancientgran · 13/02/2023 11:23

My sons all have partners, some wives some unmarried. All get treated the same, their decision if they want to make the relationship formal or not. I don't treat one as superior as she is married.

If your eldest has been in a relationship for a year and his partner didn't go to the baby shower can I ask if she knew the DIL well, I mean it must have been more than 4 months ago so maybe she didn't feel that involved. Seems silly to hold that against her. You DIL seems a bit needy wanting double dates etc.

I'd leave her to it, have the photo if you want it but I find this confusing My daughter-in-law was talking to me about getting a photo shoot as I had one last year with my husband and 3 boys and I and she said it would be nice if my grandson were to be involved. I said yes and that she could come too but took offence when I said I’d like my 2 other son’s girlfriends involved. I mean her son can't be involved in the one you did last year so is she suggesting you arrange this one? Pay for this? If so she's being cheeky. She isn't being treated differently, she's objecting to being treated the same.

TrinnySmith · 13/02/2023 11:24

Stop trying to make it one big happy family. My DM did this - so proud we all got on so well - until she died and we all went our separate ways - it had only been her holding it together and that was largely (although I doubt she realised it) because my DF was heavy drinker and we felt sorry for her.

WE now have grown up relationships with siblings, some close some not so and everyone is fine with it.
Treat everyone like adults and like individuals - not your tribe.

N27 · 13/02/2023 11:49

My advice, use AND MEAN these simple words:

”what could I do to help?”

you cannot just dismiss her feelings, thoughts and opinions without first listening and trying to understand them. Whether you agree with her or not, how she feels is very real to her and you can’t just pretend it isn’t happening.

Does she want you to talk to the eldest and his partner and help her communicate to them how she’s feeling? Does she want you to facilitate smaller and quieter gatherings for a few months until things have settled down? Does she want to just be left alone with her new little family for a while? You don’t know any of this unless you ask, but from what you’ve posted you haven’t asked about her you’ve just said what you want.

She has been in the family longer than these other two women, she has been through a tough time, and she’s going through a big life change creating her new family. Please put what you want to one side for a moment and just help her through it in any way you can.

Naunet · 13/02/2023 12:03

Good god woman, calm down. She’s not suggested anything about keeping her child away from you, and even if she did, do you not have faith in yourself as a parent to have raised your son to be a good involved father who would facilitate visits anyway? If not, that’s your own fault.

Shes not your incubator, she’s a living human being who is struggling badly with her mental health, try considering her instead of making it all about you.

Flowersfield · 13/02/2023 12:17

I agree with your DIL completely. I would be really annoyed too. She offered something really lovely and then you tried to change into something you wanted and decided to invite others. How do you know these women will be in your lives in a couple of years; this was supposed to be a sentimental photoshoot with the parents and grandparents. Keep your relationship with each 'DIL' separate. It sounds like there's been a couple of occasions where they've clashed and now she has her guard up but thats not for you to decide whether her experience was valid or not.