Terrified my daughter-in-law won’t let me see my grandchild?

[hunkydory13]

Hi everyone. Looking for a bit of advice.

I’m a mum to 3 boys; My eldest is in a relationship of 1 year, my youngest son is in a relationship of 4 years and my middle son is married for 5 years to a lovely woman who just gave birth 4 months ago to my precious grandson. My daughter-in-law was talking to me about getting a photo shoot as I had one last year with my husband and 3 boys and I and she said it would be nice if my grandson were to be involved. I said yes and that she could come too but took offence when I said I’d like my 2 other son’s girlfriends involved. She said that she feels she is treated differently and is beginning to see us as outlaws rather than in-laws. Her reasoning is that:

She makes much more effort with all the family than the other girls.
She had hormonal problems (states suicidal) during her last 2 weeks of pregnancy when my eldest son and his partner accused one of my daughter-in-law’s friends for prank calling my eldest’s partner.
She believes my eldest son and his partner have something against her despite my daughter-in-law trying to make effort with them by asking to go out on a double date for cinema, drinks, etc and claiming the partner of my eldest made 2 excuses not to make her baby shower.

I am really upset as I just want everyone to get on (my daughter in law says she has no issues but is just expressing how she feels), she has said as she feels uncomfortable that she may not attend some family occasions such as Sunday lunch if the eldest and his partner are there. I’m scared this is the same for my grandchild. I just feel it’s a bit dramatic saying all this after talking about a photo shoot that hasn’t even been arranged yet! She says she still has pregnancy hormones everywhere but it’s been 4 months!

Any advice or anyone in similar situations? Thanks.

I'm a bit confused about whether the photoshoot is for you, or her. If it's for you, I don't see what the issue is in suggesting the whole family be there. If it's for her, obviously different.

It's not entirely the point but I don't think the photoshoot with first grandchild is a particularly good idea anyway - you'll likely end up with more grandchildren and then it will feel pointless/incomplete. We had this with my Mil, did a photoshoot with "all the grandchildren", now it's missing DC2 who likely will be the last grandchild, and we feel like we need to do the whole thing again. At this point, it would make more sense to just get a nice photo of the grandson.

I think if dh's brother and his partner were prank calling us and harrassing us, I wouldn't want to have Sunday lunch with them either or spend much time around them. They don't sound very kind and it sounds like she very much feels bullied. Do your best to set some time aside to spend time with them as a family and don't try to involve the other brothers. Let them work to fix what they've done wrong and make amends. And you focus on the relationship you have with your DIL and grandson.

She thought it would be nice to have a photoshoot with her own son and husband and said that you could come and be in some of the photos and then you decided it would be appropriate to say that it would be nice for your other two sons to be in the photos as well. And their girlfriends.

So not a photoshoot centred on her family. Her husband and her new baby son and her.

A second photoshoot of the one that already took place last year. You and your three sons and her and her son as featured guests.

Another way to see it is the DIL trying to change things. OP usually has regular photoshoots with her family and DIL is the one trying to change things by trying to plan the next photo shoot to exclude some family members.

My daughter-in-law was talking to me about getting a photo shoot as I had one last year with my husband and 3 boys and I and she said it would be nice if my grandson were to be involved. I said yes and that she could come too but took offence when I said I’d like my 2 other son’s girlfriends involved.

I don't get it.

Your DIL was talking to you about getting a photoshoot and then you said she could come along too...

Why would you have to tell her that she could 'come along' to a family photoshoot of her own baby?

OP Don't be a micromomager. It smacks of control

I thought this was going to be about a really difficult DIL who enjoyed using her child as a weapon.

This isn’t what is happening here and I’m fully on her side.

She invited you to have a photo shoot as she knows you like them and thought it would be a lovely gift for a grandmother with their grandchild.
You knew that there were issues between her and your eldest son - yet you said you wanted him to come.
I would have been very upset too and I’m not sure what you thought you’d achieve by saying it.

Everything doesn’t always need to be an extended family event.

Have a photo shoot with your grandchild and their family and then have a different one with your other sons.

If you want a photo shoot with everyone then invite them and arrange it yourself.

Make sure you spend time with each individual son and their partners instead of expecting them to all want to spend together.

You seem to be choosing your eldest and his gf over your other son and DIL and you are at risk of pushing them away.

Sorry OP you are in the wrong here.

I've been in this situation. She is a wife and has a child and therefore should be treated differently and separately than a girlfriend for the time being.

Don't know why everyone has to be involved in the photos why can't you just do her on this occasion rather than the girlfriends.

Think you need to have a think about how you are treating and supporting her!

I agree with @Cocobutt.

And yes, you absolutely might get yourself in a position where she doesn't want you to spend time with her and her son. Through your own doing though.

Yes. I felt this in my core.

My in laws treated me like an incubator for their grandchild (never acknowledged it was my child- I wasn't even allowed opinions about their grandchild) They also liked to proclaim I had a problem with my hormones and/or mental health whenever I didn't blindly obey them and thanks them for their wisdom.

If you're genuinely concerned about her then act like it and stop being awkward about her offer for the photo. And don't throw around opinions about her mental health.

People don't usually cut off grandparents because they had different ideas about a family photo.

Is there more to it?

Yes you are a dick and your relationship with grandson will suffer. You aren't the matriarch any more, get over it

Another way to see it is the DIL trying to change things. OP usually has regular photoshoots with her family and DIL is the one trying to change things by trying to plan the next photo shoot to exclude some family members.

don't be daft. If OP wants a photoshoot with her sons and grandson and exclude the grandson's mother it would be shitty, but understadable that some people/families are like that.

But this is a woman who maybe wants to start her own family tradition of her, her partner, her son, and has been kind enough to invite MIL along. Even though MIL is being a bit of a dick in complaining that DIL doesn't want to be around people who clearly don't like her.

Head out of arse time, MIL, your son has his own family now. You can play nice / sensible or you can be cut out. Up to you.

Absolutely

Sorry but I don’t think you should have said you wanted your son’s girlfriends in the photoshoot. It was clearly meant to be your sons and grandsons and you probably hurt her feelings.

Have you heard yourself!!!! You need a reality check...

It's just a stupid photo. Back off - why can't it just have the new baby and his parents. You'll regret the larger photo either a)when your dil stops speaking to you, or b) when one of the girlfriends is dumped/dumps and they're in the picture for evermore

You've then taken her offer and tried to change it.

This with fucking huge bells on!! My dm does this, tries to involve the whole family in simple plans - no I dont want every bastard sibling to do everything with us (I do love and like my siblings, its not anti them at all)

100% this.

You need to apologize. You only seem to be concerned about yourself.

Sounds like a great idea to pay for a photographer to capture all these lovely family memories. Fucking hell.

OP you sound controlling and melodramatic to suggest your Dil would stop you seeing your grandson (also where is your son in this? Why are you pushing DLL this on a woman who is clearly struggling with her MH?)

This was her photoshoot, it’s not for you to decide she can ‘come along’ - it was hers, not yours in the first place, and therefore also not your place to start inviting everyone else and trying to take over.

Yes dear.

Nothing you can do. It is highly unlikely with 3 sons the 3 daughter in laws will all really get on well. I think that would be the exception to be honest. Just take a step back and realise you have absolutely no control over the relationship dynamics between these women. I should know, I can’t stand my sister in law and the feeling is very mutual. I am sure my mother in law doesn’t like that but quite frankly that’s tough.

Also im highly suspicious of families who have “photo shoots”. They’re always the most dysfunctional.

This, absolutely.

I am a mother-in-law and a grandmother @hunkydory13 Please do not make this at all about you - you will end up regretting it, and it might be too late to make amends, if you even knew how to try.

Of course I am closer to the children that I brought up, I think that is natural. But I love both my official and unofficial Daughter-in-Laws so much. If anything happened to them I would not only be devastated for my DSs, and my DDiLs' family on her side, but also for my, and our side of the family's loss as well. They are such very special young ladies, particularly because they have made my DSs complete, but also because of how kind, caring, and thoughtful they are about worldly issues as well as their own. I might be making them sound like twins, with twin attributes, but as well as having so many wonderful characteristics, they are also very different in their own special ways. I love spending time with them, and talking with them, they have taught me so much - in fact I wish I could have been even half as interesting and knowledgeable when I was their age.

I feel like whenever I die, I am leaving my DSs in their loving hands, and my DDiLs in my DS's loving hands. I do hope to live for a long time yet, to see them all develope and my DGC grow, and make their own choices in life. But if I were to die very soon, I Thank God (not necessarily the Christian type one, but that is a very different subject), or The Universe, or Mother Earth, or whoever or whatever, for bringing these beautiful young women into all of our lives.

Please hunkydory stop thinking about how any of your DDiL's feelings affect your life (except as a blessing), and start thinking very strongly about how you can make your DDiL's and your DS's lives better. I would be very upset if any of my children didn't put their life partner's needs above mine. Did you honestly expect your DH to put his DM's needs above yours?