OLD - I can’t be the only one

[Treeclimber2]

Signed up to bumble yesterday. Had an idea of what kind of guy I wanted. Had lots of interest (likes) so after my last terrible relationship decided I should be a bit more choosy, you know there seemed to be a lot of options out there.

Now it seems the more I swipe, the worse the options become. Not only that, there’s just no one on there that I fancy. I’m 41, looking for a man 40-50 ish. I’m attractive. Argh my life sucks.

@firstmummy2019

You're wrong. Men hate being single and usually don't care if a woman has kids. Most of them actually like kids and appreciate the extra ppl in their lives, as often men are quite lonely due to having poor social lives.

Persevere OP there are plenty of attractive good guys out there. I met my OH on a “hook up site” just for a bit of fun, over 4 years later still together.

Yes. Wrong. Maybe if someone is a teenager or early 20’s. So many weird people on this thread.

I’m sure you’re right. I let my now ex on tinder a few years ago. He was / is wildly attractive, film star good looks. 45.

Men will swipe yes on every profile and THEN do their filtering based on profile. Woman will only swipe on profiles they have read and liked. That's the first issue with online dating

On bumble I think you get 20 right swipes a day or something like that. So they can’t swipe yes on every profile.

I think this research is quite old - there were two studies done one was 2015 and the other 2018/9. One was tinder and the other OK Cupid. The tinder study included 27 users only.
The OK cupid study also showed that men only swiped right on women that they thought were in the top 20 percent looks wise. Whereas women would swipe right on a much broader range of men.
They also looked at preferred age men thought were most attractive on vs their age. (For women broadly they were most attracted to men of a similar age). For men it was consistently women in their very early 20s even for the 50+ age category of men.

I am late 40s on OLD and generally think the quality of women available is higher than the men. A lot of the men who like my profile - do not have a full profile themselves, have dreadful photos which make them seem like they do not look after themselves, have not been able to hold any sort of conversation beyond "how are you?" and come across as uninspiring. Yes that is very much a generalisation.

But OP - it only takes one man. Just one right one. You could try a number of different apps, go to a meet-up group on your free nights. I have met some decent 40 and 50 somethings.

It's creepy to think of all these women in their 20s being hit on by men in their 40s and 50s...

It really is. And I hope these men are ready to become fathers again, as a lot of ladies in their 20s and early 30s will not have had children yet. I thought it was only rich older men (celebrities) who got the younger women. Are all the men in relationships with women of a similar age pining after the hot young women? Odd. Or are us single ladies in our early 40s destined for the bin. It’s always the women waiting to put other women down isn’t it. Rant over.

That's an interesting point about men having poor social lives, I've observed this and definitely as they get past 30-35. A lot of them really can't handle being single that at this point (mid 40s or older etc) that they would take anything rather than continue being lonely. The issue is the men may welcome children but the woman may not want her future date's involvement with her child/children.

Take anything? Wow.

Yes as in in their 30s wouldn't have dreamt of dating a single mother but now in their 40s and past their prime and options limited for the kind of partners they actually want, they will take different individuals on (through lack of choice).

I listened to a podcast recently that quoted stats from 2018 that it took 11 hours online just to get one date.

Podcaster instead suggested expanding your social circle. She was a relationship coach and said she gave homework like - go to 4 events this month. Which tbh sounds more fun than spending 11 hours swiping and messaging just to get one date

@Goatbilly

Bollocks. I met loads of men in their 30s happy to date single mothers.

Many men in their 30s LOVE older women with kids. That has definitely been my experience. I had a bit of fun with that a few years ago, but no interest now, they're quite boring. The reason they want older women with kids, is cos they don't want kids, and neither does the 40+ with kids. Most women their age are still blinded by the 'must have kids and get married' narrative.

I'm sure you are attractive op, but seriously don't take any notice of how many 'likes' you get. I've been on and off old for years. 1000s of likes within days is normal, and I'm only averagely pretty, they mean nothing. I've seen a man on a train once talking to his mate, and with his thumb he was swiping right continually, not even looking.

Oh lol charming!
Though I do get what you mean at the same time.
I usually always have weekends free Fri eve to Sun afternoon, and I wasn't great with my ex. But what are we supposed to do during the week? How to see the guy then, especially as initially one will not want to bring their kids around them or take them home🤷🏻‍♀️

Honestly Tinder and Hinge are better. I met a lovely hot bloke on Tinder. I wouldnt discount a man without kids tbh. They have more flexibility

Yes I was thinking this too.

I’d lower your age range to 35 and up - even if it’s just to see what’s out there. There are some mature lovely men in their 30s with kids who are single and having to start over and I’m sure they’d love to meet someone like you.
But bumble is just one app so don’t put all your eggs in this basket. There’s Facebook dating which is where I met my boyfriend - then tinder, hinge, POF (which I found awful) but there’s lots of different options and some won’t be on just one app.

Have confidence that you’ll find someone - literally every person on that app has something that another person would consider a negative - whether it be that they’re a mum/dad, divorced, don’t own a home, spend too long at the gym, can’t type lol. Have confidence in who you are!

But not necessarily unless you plan to keep it like that long term.

I do wonder how would it be possible to keep things going, as I keep being told to think about my life/my future and to have someone around for me, but it's hard to imagine that time when your DC are still young.

@Redruby2020
What I've liked about it, is that whilst with dc you can often only meet once a week, there is a lot of evening texting/chatting/phone calls/playing scrabble online or whatever floats your boat. Once the dc are in bed, and you both have to stay in your respective houses. I quite like this as you can really get to know the other person.

Texting and online commutation is a poor substitute for reali life experiences and contexts. It's easy to be a keyboard warrior. And in the meantime, you fill in the gaps and create/characterise the other person. It's like living in some online bubble devoid of reality

I disagree @xfan
I really like it. It's not compulsory of course.
In the first year or so of a relationship, I've found when we meet we just want to tear each others clothes off, so you can't really chat anyway. The daily chats can be a fab tension builder for the one night meet.
If you prefer to meet loads, and have space in your life to do so (although this does beg the question, what would you be ordinarily doing in that time if you can drop it all instantly?) then you go for it.

@Binfluencer

He's two months younger than me, I wouldn't haven't touched anyone over 45, men can get so grumpy and set in their ways by then, whereas women just get more interesting as we age.

All men get to over 45 sooner or later