Dm found condom in my bin

[Gobbledygoo]

So bit of a backstory, split up with my ex 2 years ago after 14 years together took a while to pick myself back up and start living again.
long story short I started seeing a guy over Xmas and he stayed over at mine one night this week.
fast forward to today my mother rings me on the phone today, tells me what a disgrace I am how she’s so ashamed of me and I’m a slag, I need to remember I’m a mother, all sorts of shit turns out she took my kids to McDonald’s and when emptying the rubbish out of the car she found condom wrappers in my bin. Like is this not an extreme reaction. I only ever see this guy when I my ex has the kids, so it’s not like I throw them to the side and choose him over them, I don’t know why I’m writing this I just felt like a naughty schoolgirl been told off.

She should have pretended not to see it 100%. She owes you an apology.

So I left my ex partner because of dv, she doesn’t know the full story as I don’t tell her much for obvious reasons, she does know he was violent on at least 1 occasion, I rang her in the middle of the night and she told me to wait till he went to sleep, before i go to bed and try not to piss him off again. She doesn’t like the fact I’ve left him, she thinks I should have just put up and shut up. I genuinely think she is jealous of the fact I had the balls to do something she never could, and ltb.

Why don't you tell her?

OP, the example you are setting for your daughters is that sensible adults should take their sexual health seriously. It’s a positive example.

No woman, let alone your mother, should call another woman a slag. I’m in my 40s and l expect l would be totally off the Richter Scale on your mum’s logic.

So big hugs from this happy slag here. 💐. Her attitude is awful.

condom wrapper was not just thrown in the bin it was in one of them little see through bags you might use in a bathroom bin, apparently ‘on top of the bin’ kids wouldn’t have seen it, they’re teens they don’t know how to take rubbish out 😉 and like I say it was in another tied up bag

so your mum went through sealed bags within bags in the bin? If so, that’s absolute batshit in itself. Going through rubbish within the rubbish is not normal.

Id be careful with teens though. They have a veneer of laziness but underneath there is astute cunning.

@HoppingPavlova -Teens being cunning about what exactly? Adults have sex. There is nothing wrong with teens knowing that.

There's nothing wrong with realising your parents have sex, but they don't need to see direct evidence of it (not directed to you specifically op)

Yep it’s something she would do

You need to saving those condom wrappers and randomly putting them in places where you know she will find them, mess with her head, making sure she knows that you give zero fucks about her Victorian views. Bobby mare!

My mother was/is exactly the same and it's created a whole ton of issues that I've spent most my adult life sorting. Only really solved by making myself as distant from her as possible. I came to realise her issues with sex / me were actually just her projecting her own guilt and insecurities onto me, no doubt passed down from her own parents. A whole sl*tshaming chain of chaos. Thankfully i have boys and will never ever be making them feel like this.

I tend to find very calmly telling my mother these days that her behaviour towards me is unacceptable as I am an adult, then ignoring everything else she says is about as good as it gets. Leave her to stew.

Your mother sounds like a nasty disgusting person.

Why are you allowing her contact with your children?

Text her not to contact you again and block her number is the correct action to take.

It might be worth looking at your relationship with your mother and considering whether it's actually quite toxic for you? She sounds like she has no boundaries and a ton of spite.

Maybe she's part of the reason you ended up in an abusive relationship, because of what was taught to you about yourself and/or relationships in childhood and beyond.

Practically, maybe she's helpful to you? But emotionally she sounds like a nightmare.

And what she visits on you emotionally, she is probably also visiting on your children.

Send your mother a message something along the lines of "Dear Mother, I am very much an adult who can do as she wishes. My children had no idea I was seeing anyone as I have been very discreet. However if you EVER talk to me in that way again, consider yourself cut out of mine and my children's lives. I will next speak to you after you have sent me an apology. " You need to set some firm boundaries in place with your mother, she sounds bloody awful quite frankly!

I'd be extremely concerned of the things she maybe be telling your DC behind your back!

My mum did this to my DD and it severely damaged our relationship for a long time.

This isn’t simply generational. Decades ago, an aunt of mine (then in her 50s; I was early 20s) with my permission, looked in my bag for something I had brought her. I realised later that she couldn’t have avoided seeing the condoms I had in there. I imagine it gave her a moment’s pause but she never said a thing and never changed her behaviour to me.

It’s totally wrong of your mum but she is clearly leading a miserable life and envies you yours. She’s still so young. My mum met the love of her life in her mid-50s and had a blast for the next decade or so (sadly she died in her 60s).

I wonder what might help your mother open up to life while she still has it.

And good for you for being safe!

Thank you. It is. It was really hard growing up and coming to terms with the fact that I can never please him. When you're a kid you just want to make your parents happy even if they're a complete asshole. My dad however set impossible standards and I eventually had to come to terms with the fact that he would never be able to love me. Later after he went to prison he was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder so he clearly has problems that he struggles with himself.

I do agree with @tara66 that jealousy must play a role. It's funny that never occurred to me that he might be jealous. The idea of a parent being jealous of their own child just seemed so insane to me but it makes so much sense! He also hated it when I had friends. He always found something wrong with them and made me feel ashamed for being friends with them and told me I was a loser for being friends with them.

My therapist said that a huge telltale symptom of bpd is extreme fear of being abandoned. Perhaps this was manifested itself in a way of him trying to isolate us so we would only ever need him. It would certainly explain his extreme and irrational hatred of us being in sexual relationships.

I think he also never really got to explore his own sexuality growing up because he felt forced into an unwanted marriage so young and then stayed in it for 25 years and the seeing us in happy sexual relationships was an extreme trigger point for him.

@Gobbledygoo

Bloody hell, she is 3 years older than me! I thought you were going to say she was a lot older with that sort of attitude.

I didn't think it was a generational thing with op's mother I thought this is something mothers from certain backgrounds would think and say.

Op, is your mother British White? If yes is she super religious? This is just not the usual British white attitude even if she was 90 years old. It reminded me of certain cultures with misogynistic attitudes to women.

I too thought you were going to say she was much older Op! Having said that, it wouldn't be make it OK if she was 90.

She's only 58! She sounds very bitter and resentful and not at all happy with life. I wonder too if it's this: You did something about your unhappy relationship. You had the guts to get out and make a better life, and the fact you did that and are moving on, is a stark reminder to her that she didn't have to 'put up' and be miserable.

Rather than be happy for you, she's thinking of herself first and punishing you for her own lack of action and unhappiness.

Agreed
I thought she'd be older
She's my age
You'd think she'd be pleased you're having a bit of 'safe' fun.

Enjoy - you've been through the mill.
Time to put you (and the kids) first x

Definitely not her age. I'm a bit older and no one I know of my age or older would say similar.