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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dm found condom in my bin

121 replies

Gobbledygoo · 11/02/2023 22:39

So bit of a backstory, split up with my ex 2 years ago after 14 years together took a while to pick myself back up and start living again.
long story short I started seeing a guy over Xmas and he stayed over at mine one night this week.
fast forward to today my mother rings me on the phone today, tells me what a disgrace I am how she’s so ashamed of me and I’m a slag, I need to remember I’m a mother, all sorts of shit turns out she took my kids to McDonald’s and when emptying the rubbish out of the car she found condom wrappers in my bin. Like is this not an extreme reaction. I only ever see this guy when I my ex has the kids, so it’s not like I throw them to the side and choose him over them, I don’t know why I’m writing this I just felt like a naughty schoolgirl been told off.

OP posts:
ZoZoWatto · 12/02/2023 07:52

Were they used condoms? Because that’s gross.

Did you choose to leave your husband? Perhaps your mother doesn’t agree with that and is projecting her anger over that (she may have views about children’s parents not splitting etc) into this

StarSol · 12/02/2023 07:57

ZoZoWatto · 12/02/2023 07:52

Were they used condoms? Because that’s gross.

Did you choose to leave your husband? Perhaps your mother doesn’t agree with that and is projecting her anger over that (she may have views about children’s parents not splitting etc) into this

Where do you suggest a used condom go? Other than wrapping it in toilet paper and then throwing it away there isn't much left to do. As for the actual package it comes in (which I assume that's what OP'S mother saw) it's a bit unnecessary to hide. Also you shouldn't flush condoms is extremely bad for the pipes!

I can't really think of a good excuse for going off on your adult daughter like this. What she does in bed is her business. If her mother is having trouble coming to terms with it there are 101 other better ways to handle it.

quietnightmare · 12/02/2023 07:57

Dotcheck · 11/02/2023 22:53

Did you tell her they had ridges for your pleasure?

🤣
.... also maybe you should offer her one seems like she could do with some fun

PuddlesPityParty · 12/02/2023 08:12

mynameiscalypso · 11/02/2023 23:15

Would she prefer you were having unprotected sex then? So out of order!

Exactly! You should ask her this OP

PortiasBiscuit · 12/02/2023 08:15

But the biggest dildo you can find and put it in the glovebox.

Zanatdy · 12/02/2023 08:16

Wow she’s completely out of order. Can’t believe she called you a slag!

MissingMoominMamma · 12/02/2023 08:17

How fucking disrespectful!

You’re already a better mum than her; who speaks to their child, young or grown up, in that way??

Honestly, I’m aghast.

CrescentMoons · 12/02/2023 08:20

Gobbledygoo · 11/02/2023 23:03

Yep, asked me what sort of example I was setting my daughters (teens) and that it’s nothing to be proud of that I can ‘open my legs’ for anything that gives me attention.

Show quote history

I would cut all contact I don’t advise that likely

if that is what she thinks she is a disgusting person

no doubt she is the same person that says to a man of course he has urges and is developing a relationship for the benefit of the children as they need a mother

pigpinkstockings · 12/02/2023 08:22

Namechangenumber23 · 11/02/2023 23:30

Cripes OP. If I didn't know better I'd say we had the same Mum.

You can tell your Mum thank you. Thank you for the revelation that you can indeed use this as an example to your daughters when time is appropriate, a great example that safe sex is always wise and the responsibility of both parties, that there is nothing to be ashamed about great sex between two consenting adults and that respect is a two way street and everyone is deserving of a private life judgement free within the bounds of legality.

You can also extend your eternal gratitude that she, on the other hand, has set you a fabulous example of exactly how NOT to be the parent of adult children.

Exactly this.

tara66 · 12/02/2023 08:34

I think jealousy may be involved in a lot of these examples of parents' reactions.

MuseThrower · 12/02/2023 08:41

donquixotedelamancha · 12/02/2023 00:18

I don't think most people 80+ would be abusive to their daughter like that.

OP's mum is very unpleasant. If she were mine I'd never speak to her again after that.

Show quote history

No, you’re right. I’d be cutting her off too.

tothelefttotheleft · 12/02/2023 08:41

PissedOffAmericanWoman · 11/02/2023 23:51

My dad is the same which is why I don't talk to him anymore. He called me a slut when I announced my pregnancy with my them husband of 6 years at the time. Same lines and everything! The comment about opening up my legs and all!😂

I've come to the conclusion that nothing I would do would ever be right. He is just uncomfortable with the idea of me being sexually active. Doesn't matter who it's with, how long we have been together, married or unwed. It's about him being a creepy controlling parent that thinks he gets to call the shots about my sex life.

If my dad can't get over the fact that his 30 year old daughter is sleeping with her HUSBAND of six years then he simply can't be helped!

Your mother should be ashamed of herself. I think her story about cleaning the car is a cover story. She was definitely snooping!

I have found that people like this have issues of their own with their sex life and they are projecting that onto their adult children. They're the sad ones not us.

Your father is awful. Must be really difficult to understand his bizarre behaviour.

Tuilpmouse · 12/02/2023 08:42

tara66 · 12/02/2023 08:34

I think jealousy may be involved in a lot of these examples of parents' reactions.

I was just thinking the same... I'm convinced many of these reactions from older parents are the outcome of a lifetime of sexual repression and frustration.

Things have changed massively over the last 50-60 years sex wise. In particular, for those who are 80+ and had their youth before the pill, the world must look completely unrecognisable to how it did. That's no excuse though.

Even for those in their 60s, despite the sexual revolution having happened before they were adolescent, attitudes to sex were in general far more prudish for much of the population than they are today.

HoppingPavlova · 12/02/2023 08:43

but this just seems so private, it’s very early days with this guy and no one knew I was seeing him because I didn’t want my kids to feel pushed out and I feel now like I've had to admit to a very early stage ‘relationship’ before I was ready if you know what I mean

That makes zero sense. You didn’t want your kids to know as yet, but you obviously left condom in full view in the bin? What if it wasn’t your mother who put the McD’s in the trash but one of your kids? Surely you would then have had to admit it to them if they asked?

What your mum said was in no way right, but it just makes no sense that you wanted to keep it secret from your kids (which your mum has now ‘ruined’) when you were hardly careful yourself unless you honestly don’t think your teenage kids know what a condom looks like?

HeadacheEarthquake · 12/02/2023 08:46

Leave a strapon or ballgag there next time, really give her something to squawk about.

AngelDelightUK · 12/02/2023 08:54

I think I’d have asked if she wanted more grandchildren instead then!

Original poster
Gobbledygoo · 12/02/2023 09:02

To answer a few question, my mother is 58 she’s been widowed over a decade, never met anyone else, she has no social life, no friends, nothing she literally works and goes home again.
condom wrapper was not just thrown in the bin it was in one of them little see through bags you might use in a bathroom bin, apparently ‘on top of the bin’ kids wouldn’t have seen it, they’re teens they don’t know how to take rubbish out 😉 and like I say it was in another tied up bag.
she doesn’t like me having any sort of social life, never has, even now I’m ‘selfish’ and should spend every waking minute with my kids.

OP posts:
jannier · 12/02/2023 09:03

Tell her you were helping your kids practice with cucumbers that will up your parental rating.

rainbowstardrops · 12/02/2023 09:10

Jeez, what a cow! She sounds crusty and miserable. Ignore her!

Shortbread49 · 12/02/2023 09:14

Mine is like that got called a scrubber and told I had had sex with three men on the same night at 19, I was a student I had stayed there and gone to uni the next day as they were concerned about my safety (bless them my parents were never concerned for my safety, never slept with any of them) it never occurred to her she was wrong , I never told her anything ever again and she didn’t notice that either

EyesOnThePies · 12/02/2023 09:18

It isn’t a generational thing, it’s an abusive judgemental thing.

Xrays · 12/02/2023 09:19

This says so much more about your Mum than anything else. What a sad attitude to life and sex she has! At 58 she has a lot of life ahead of her and to be so angry and bitter is just terrible. What a waste of a life!

Duckingella · 12/02/2023 09:20

So mothers aren't allowed to have sex?;is she jealous/religious/a total prude or one of these unkind people who see her daughter as a single mum as something shameful that reflects badly on her?

Was she by any chance a fan of your ex?

You don't need telling that your mum is a total cow and needs to apologise.

LatteLady · 12/02/2023 09:24

I am 64, and applaud you for your sensible attitude to sex and contraception. However, it is not my business who you have sex with, when or how often and nor is it your mother's. If you were my daughter, I would be happy that you were not damaged by your marriage and would be cheering from the sidelines that you felt strong enough to trust someone to make you happy.

OhMyBleedingHeart · 12/02/2023 09:26

Mother is nasty and out of order to shame you. Unfortunately familiar with this kind of person and yes, I think jealously plays into it.

Still, I wouldn't be leaving condoms/wrappers at the top off the bin, would wrap in tissue or push it down.