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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dm found condom in my bin

121 replies

Gobbledygoo · 11/02/2023 22:39

So bit of a backstory, split up with my ex 2 years ago after 14 years together took a while to pick myself back up and start living again.
long story short I started seeing a guy over Xmas and he stayed over at mine one night this week.
fast forward to today my mother rings me on the phone today, tells me what a disgrace I am how she’s so ashamed of me and I’m a slag, I need to remember I’m a mother, all sorts of shit turns out she took my kids to McDonald’s and when emptying the rubbish out of the car she found condom wrappers in my bin. Like is this not an extreme reaction. I only ever see this guy when I my ex has the kids, so it’s not like I throw them to the side and choose him over them, I don’t know why I’m writing this I just felt like a naughty schoolgirl been told off.

OP posts:
Upsidedownagain · 11/02/2023 23:21

She had no right to comment on the content of your bin. And what she said was unacceptable. Your sex life is your business.

Irridescantshimmmer · 11/02/2023 23:24

Your mother massivly overstepped the mark and she's got no buisness snooping in your bin as your sex life is yours and your new partners' buisness and certainly nothing to do with her.

I suspect this is a generational thing where young women would have been shamed by their elders in her time so she's shaming you because she thinks she can.....Her reaction is way over the top and she needs to wind her neck in and keep her nose out of your bins.

hold your head high and show her you are made of stronger stuff. Take absalutely no nonsence from her and use this as an oppertunity to empower yourself and have fun.

Namechangenumber23 · 11/02/2023 23:30

Cripes OP. If I didn't know better I'd say we had the same Mum.

You can tell your Mum thank you. Thank you for the revelation that you can indeed use this as an example to your daughters when time is appropriate, a great example that safe sex is always wise and the responsibility of both parties, that there is nothing to be ashamed about great sex between two consenting adults and that respect is a two way street and everyone is deserving of a private life judgement free within the bounds of legality.

You can also extend your eternal gratitude that she, on the other hand, has set you a fabulous example of exactly how NOT to be the parent of adult children.

Nancydrawn · 11/02/2023 23:38

Does she speak to your daughters the same way she speaks to you?

Do you think she might?

If so, I'd be massively reducing contact between them, particularly contact without you. It might be a pain in the arse in terms of logistics, but you need to protect them if she's doing to them what she did to you.

chevvyroo · 11/02/2023 23:40

Dotcheck · 11/02/2023 22:53

Did you tell her they had ridges for your pleasure?

GrinGrin

ttcat37 · 11/02/2023 23:40

Tell her to fuck off, nosy old cow.

catfunk · 11/02/2023 23:42

She sounds batshit

MuseThrower · 11/02/2023 23:47

How old is she?

I mean, she must only be about mid-60s, right?

So she was young in the 70s and 80s?

I thought these sort of attitudes must be for the 80-pluses, who had Victorian parents, but it seems not. She’s bang out of order.

AlexandriasWindmill · 11/02/2023 23:50

She shouldn't have called you names. She sounds out of order.
But if you're wanting to keep the relationship low key since it's so new then maybe it wasn't a good idea to leave condom wrappers in the bin where anyone could see them. Yy it was your mum who found them but it could just as easily have been your DDs and as you said, it's a fairly new relationship to be telling your DCs about him.

PissedOffAmericanWoman · 11/02/2023 23:51

My dad is the same which is why I don't talk to him anymore. He called me a slut when I announced my pregnancy with my them husband of 6 years at the time. Same lines and everything! The comment about opening up my legs and all!😂

I've come to the conclusion that nothing I would do would ever be right. He is just uncomfortable with the idea of me being sexually active. Doesn't matter who it's with, how long we have been together, married or unwed. It's about him being a creepy controlling parent that thinks he gets to call the shots about my sex life.

If my dad can't get over the fact that his 30 year old daughter is sleeping with her HUSBAND of six years then he simply can't be helped!

Your mother should be ashamed of herself. I think her story about cleaning the car is a cover story. She was definitely snooping!

I have found that people like this have issues of their own with their sex life and they are projecting that onto their adult children. They're the sad ones not us.

QueenCamilla · 11/02/2023 23:53

My mum called me a slag and "you might as well prostitute and contribute to rent" when I was 16. I slapped her on the face. I don't think anyone could argue that what I did was unjust.

My mum still has no filter but it has never been quite as bad as it was until I stood up for myself . We are long-distance now and mainly only speak on the phone. That's as good as it gets.

PissedOffAmericanWoman · 11/02/2023 23:56

QueenCamilla · 11/02/2023 23:53

My mum called me a slag and "you might as well prostitute and contribute to rent" when I was 16. I slapped her on the face. I don't think anyone could argue that what I did was unjust.

My mum still has no filter but it has never been quite as bad as it was until I stood up for myself . We are long-distance now and mainly only speak on the phone. That's as good as it gets.

That's very cruel of her. I'm so sorry your mother put you through that. 😢

Aquamarine1029 · 11/02/2023 23:59

Your mother is an absolute pig. I don't think I could continue to be a part of my mother's life if she treated me that way.

Catoo · 12/02/2023 00:08

Gobbledygoo · 11/02/2023 23:03

Yep, asked me what sort of example I was setting my daughters (teens) and that it’s nothing to be proud of that I can ‘open my legs’ for anything that gives me attention.

Show quote history

That comment is gross misogyny. And from a mother too. Repulsive.
I would be using this incident to set some clear new boundaries about how she speaks to you. I would be very clear about the consequence of broaching these boundaries.

Good luck and enjoy your time with your new partner if you’re still seeing him.

Chasedbythechaser · 12/02/2023 00:14

Whatever you say won't change your mother as she obviously feels entitled to speak to you however she chooses. I can hazard a guess this isn't the first time and won't be the last. Either she doesn't see you as her equal and doesn't respect you or words like this trip out of her mouth to everyone including you?

You can try to set boundaries. Its worth a try at least because the only other option really is low contact. I think, as a lone parent, and if she helps you out a bit - it sounds like she does as you said she picks up your kids from their Dads? - going low contact will mean you will lose this practical support. Can you do without it? She is probably well aware you need her more than she needs you?

oakleaffy · 12/02/2023 00:15

Gobbledygoo · 11/02/2023 23:03

Yep, asked me what sort of example I was setting my daughters (teens) and that it’s nothing to be proud of that I can ‘open my legs’ for anything that gives me attention.

Show quote history

Jeez...Your mother is appalling to speak to you this way.
How dare she! What a miserable, horrible, 1950's thing to say.

Well done for using condoms..She should be pleased you are being safe.

donquixotedelamancha · 12/02/2023 00:18

MuseThrower · 11/02/2023 23:47

How old is she?

I mean, she must only be about mid-60s, right?

So she was young in the 70s and 80s?

I thought these sort of attitudes must be for the 80-pluses, who had Victorian parents, but it seems not. She’s bang out of order.

I don't think most people 80+ would be abusive to their daughter like that.

OP's mum is very unpleasant. If she were mine I'd never speak to her again after that.

lionsandwhales · 12/02/2023 00:19

Sorry you your mum treated you like that OP, your mum should be supporting you and checking your welfare, not judging (unless you have past form for giving her genuine concern). She is a different generation but maternal instinct doesn’t
change. She should have your back.

Summerfun54321 · 12/02/2023 00:35

What on earth is she expecting you to say in response to that!?

leeds2glasgow · 12/02/2023 00:39

Maybe not leave condom wrappers at the top of the bin?

Aquamarine1029 · 12/02/2023 00:43

leeds2glasgow · 12/02/2023 00:39

Maybe not leave condom wrappers at the top of the bin?

Right, because that's the issue here. 🙄

Aposterhasnoname · 12/02/2023 00:45

If my mother called me a slag that would be the last words she ever spoke to me. Not even joking. How fucking DARE she speak to you like that.

EmmiJay · 12/02/2023 00:48

Ha! Complete opposite of my mum who today told me I should get a ✨️booty call✨️ God bless her lol

EmmiJay · 12/02/2023 00:49

Also, you should have told her to keep her nose out of your bins and your vagina. Honestly.

Lostinplaces · 12/02/2023 00:49

Your mum is an utter cunt. Just bin her off at this point, there’s no coming back from that. I’d ghost the bitch and take great pleasure in doing so.