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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dm found condom in my bin

121 replies

Gobbledygoo · 11/02/2023 22:39

So bit of a backstory, split up with my ex 2 years ago after 14 years together took a while to pick myself back up and start living again.
long story short I started seeing a guy over Xmas and he stayed over at mine one night this week.
fast forward to today my mother rings me on the phone today, tells me what a disgrace I am how she’s so ashamed of me and I’m a slag, I need to remember I’m a mother, all sorts of shit turns out she took my kids to McDonald’s and when emptying the rubbish out of the car she found condom wrappers in my bin. Like is this not an extreme reaction. I only ever see this guy when I my ex has the kids, so it’s not like I throw them to the side and choose him over them, I don’t know why I’m writing this I just felt like a naughty schoolgirl been told off.

OP posts:
jtaeapa · 12/02/2023 00:52

I’d have replied: I love cock

see how she likes that

Hawkins003 · 12/02/2023 00:56

Gobbledygoo · 11/02/2023 23:11

Defiantly not a new thing she’s always tried to put me down, I usually rise above it but this just seems so private, it’s very early days with this guy and no one knew I was seeing him because I didn’t want my kids to feel pushed out and I feel now like I've had to admit to a very early stage ‘relationship’ before I was ready if you know what I mean.

You could still keep it cloak and dagger so to speak

leeds2glasgow · 12/02/2023 01:00

Maybe @Aquamarine1029 the question should be why they're all going in the same bin? We'd get fined for that here 🤷‍♀️ or maybe none of this true 🤷‍♀️

Carlycat · 12/02/2023 01:11

I'd be more concerned that your mother took your kids to McDonald's than her reaction to condom wrappers. Chav central!

NandorsFamilar · 12/02/2023 01:20

" well I only need then now I am seeing a man. With my girlfriend I didn't need condoms"

NumberTheory · 12/02/2023 01:27

You DM is very out of order. I would be a bit concerned about what she might be saying to my kids if she has attitudes like that about women who have sex.

But we will always come up against people with different and upsetting attitudes in our lives unless we want to live in bubbles. That’s something you can counter. The more fundamental issue is - why does she think she can say that sort of thing to you? You’re in your 30s with teenage kids and your mother thinks it’s appropriate to comment on your sex life. And not just comment, but use applying misogynistic language and name calling to do so. This is not an appropriate exchange for someone to have with their 30 year old daughter.

You seem to indicate you are used to her putting you down. This sounds like you may need to put better barriers in place and start insisting on being treated better. She’s your mum, but there’s no point idolizing that status if she’s bad for you.

DiddlySquat52 · 12/02/2023 01:27

For a laugh, say to her "there's no need to be jealous that I'm getting some Mum. New boyfriend said that one of his fantasies is a mother/daughter combo so I could ask him if he's interested if you like?"

CustardySergeant · 12/02/2023 01:37

PissedOffAmericanWoman "My dad is the same which is why I don't talk to him anymore. He called me a slut when I announced my pregnancy with my them husband of 6 years at the time. Same lines and everything! The comment about opening up my legs and all!"

That makes no sense. You were married! His own wife (your mother) got pregnant, does that make her "a slut"? If he disapproves of even married women having sex how does he think the human race would continue to exist? I'm baffled. Surely you made those points to him and if you did, how did he answer?

SantaBakula · 12/02/2023 01:39

@Gobbledygoo
You are out of order , you have young female children and by sleeping around snd having sex with one man your are a terrible mum.
You should be at home crocheting booties for orphan lambs !

AND THAT IS THE BIGEST LOAD OF CRAP I HAVE WRTOE IN LONG TIME !

In your place I eoukd do my best to calmly explain ( not that it should be necessary) you arr a full gtiw woman, with desires snd needs , and want sex with whom ever you see fit !

It would be different if you brought a guy home after one date snd told your DD &DM he was the love of your life but even then calling you a slag is so out of order it's unbelievable

TheLadyofShalott1 · 12/02/2023 01:43

Wow, my ex left me in the day's when your parents would still be shocked if they found out that their child had sex before marriage.

My Dear, and very sadly, now departed Mum, offered to come and babysit for me, and offered me the use of her flat overnight with my newish boyfriend, whilst she was doing so. She just wanted to support me, and help me recover from my ex leaving me, if she ever thought I was "cheap" or anything like that, she never told me about it.

I am so sorry that you have experienced that OP, and for all the other PPs on here, who have had very similar experiences.

SantaBakula · 12/02/2023 01:48

Apologies for the gobbledegook my phone seems to of have decided I wanted to write

CamilleRose · 12/02/2023 02:01

Surely this is absolutely none of her business? The only way I could imagine ever making a comment about an adult daughter’s relationship was if it was obviously negatively affecting her or her children. But I definitely wouldn’t ever make comments on condoms or call her offensive names.

PinkArt · 12/02/2023 02:17

If I had teenage daughters, there is no way on earth I'd allow someone capable of talking that kind of misogynistic hate around them. Ever. Even if they were family.
It's bad enough to say it to you, as an adult capable of seeing it for the utter bollocks it is, but such nasty words could hit much harder to teen ears.
I'd struggle to be even LC with someone who thought so little of me and women in general.

Skyrimisveryrelaxing · 12/02/2023 02:21

put a lock on your bin.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 12/02/2023 02:30

Dotcheck · 11/02/2023 22:53

Did you tell her they had ridges for your pleasure?

😂

I'd be considering going NC or at least LC, it's none of her business and nasty to boot.

WrendaleCountryDogs · 12/02/2023 03:45

I had to read that twice as I thought the wrappers were in the car 😆 🤣

Why was she rummaging in the bin? Surely you open the bin, put the rubbish in then close the bin. Condom wrappers are small. How did see them without peering in?

PissedOffAmericanWoman · 12/02/2023 04:56

CustardySergeant · 12/02/2023 01:37

PissedOffAmericanWoman "My dad is the same which is why I don't talk to him anymore. He called me a slut when I announced my pregnancy with my them husband of 6 years at the time. Same lines and everything! The comment about opening up my legs and all!"

That makes no sense. You were married! His own wife (your mother) got pregnant, does that make her "a slut"? If he disapproves of even married women having sex how does he think the human race would continue to exist? I'm baffled. Surely you made those points to him and if you did, how did he answer?

My father is a very violent man so no I didn't counter. It was not safe. And yes I think he does think my mother is a slut. That is an entirely different thread to explain though. Long story short They were pressured to be married at 18 by their parents because my mother became pregnant with him out of wedlock.

Merryweather80 · 12/02/2023 05:06

After my husband and I separated, I was apparently supposed to do as she did, and never have a partner ever again. I was 31 with a newborn when we broke up. After 18 months I met someone as a friend for a while then things progressed. Apparently i am as slag who opens her legs to anyone who shows attention too.
Any boyfriend I have ever had she's been highly critical of, nothing I do is ever good enough. She is ashamed of me. She knows very little about my life and the various incidents that gave happened over the years despite living in the same town.
I will never make the same mistake with my children.

PissedOffAmericanWoman · 12/02/2023 07:01

Merryweather80 · 12/02/2023 05:06

After my husband and I separated, I was apparently supposed to do as she did, and never have a partner ever again. I was 31 with a newborn when we broke up. After 18 months I met someone as a friend for a while then things progressed. Apparently i am as slag who opens her legs to anyone who shows attention too.
Any boyfriend I have ever had she's been highly critical of, nothing I do is ever good enough. She is ashamed of me. She knows very little about my life and the various incidents that gave happened over the years despite living in the same town.
I will never make the same mistake with my children.

This is how my father and my grandparents see things. They literally think it is only acceptable to have one sexual partner EVER. If the first one doesn't work out they say that being in a relationship with anyone else it is adultery because you're "married in the eyes of God" to the first person whether you tied the knot or not. They don't care. You're just supposed to die alone and sexless. It's really sad that people believe this and even go so far as to subject themselves to it. It's such a sad and lonely way to look at life.

Well I'm sure as hell not itching to die alone. Fuck that.

Snugglemonkey · 12/02/2023 07:12

Nancydrawn · 11/02/2023 23:38

Does she speak to your daughters the same way she speaks to you?

Do you think she might?

If so, I'd be massively reducing contact between them, particularly contact without you. It might be a pain in the arse in terms of logistics, but you need to protect them if she's doing to them what she did to you.

This is definitely something to be cognizant of. She does not sound like a suitable influence on teenagers.

electricmoccasins · 12/02/2023 07:15

@PissedOffAmericanWoman oh my Mom views sex like that. Married in the eyes of God etc. Luckily I don't believe on God.

My Mom was shocked that I planned to give birth 'with no wedding ring on!' I was actually married, but had removed all rings during pregnancy due to swollen fingers. She told me that she had a special sized-up ring made for when she gave birth to me. She said 'What will the doctors and midwives think you giving birth with no ring on?' I said 'It's 2014! Not Oliver Twist!'

If she ever found condom wrappers in my bin, she would implode, OP.

She is only late-60s. Such people can't be helped.

Shoxfordian · 12/02/2023 07:30

Tell her to mind her own business in future; she’s out of order

Munches · 12/02/2023 07:35

What the fuck has your sex life got to do with your Mum?

She sounds toxic to say the least and not a pleasant person.

3LittleFishes · 12/02/2023 07:47

My Mom was shocked that I planned to give birth 'with no wedding ring on!' I was actually married, but had removed all rings during pregnancy due to swollen fingers. She told me that she had a special sized-up ring made for when she gave birth to me. She said 'What will the doctors and midwives think you giving birth with no ring on?' I said 'It's 2014! Not Oliver Twist!'
That Is totally batshit crazy! Who can be bothered having a new ring made just in case the midwives noticed there wasn't one😮as you gave birth in 2014 I assume you were born in the 70/80's?
I had my son in 2006, unmarried but with his father. Literally no one cared.
Who are these mothers that get off on holding their daughters to 'victorian lady' standards!

PissedOffAmericanWoman · 12/02/2023 07:47

electricmoccasins · 12/02/2023 07:15

@PissedOffAmericanWoman oh my Mom views sex like that. Married in the eyes of God etc. Luckily I don't believe on God.

My Mom was shocked that I planned to give birth 'with no wedding ring on!' I was actually married, but had removed all rings during pregnancy due to swollen fingers. She told me that she had a special sized-up ring made for when she gave birth to me. She said 'What will the doctors and midwives think you giving birth with no ring on?' I said 'It's 2014! Not Oliver Twist!'

If she ever found condom wrappers in my bin, she would implode, OP.

She is only late-60s. Such people can't be helped.

Yes funny enough I'm no longer Christian myself. I'm the family disgrace! 😂🤷🏻‍♀️

Hormonal birth control makes me extremely sick. I've been through so many brands and variations so husband and I have settled for condoms until he gets the snip. It's absolutely hilarious how condoms have such a stigma and attached to shame the way they are.

We got together when we were teenagers so we are each others first. I remember being so horrifically embarrassed buying condoms I thought I might die. Now it's just a normal affair.

We buy a huge box at the grocery store every month and we are not ashamed but the reactions from some people are HILARIOUS. Don't get me wrong we aren't waving them around or anything. We do try to bury them under the rest of the groceries but some people are just so insanely nosey!

One time had an old man oogle the box as we were grabbing it off the shelf. You'd think we were murdering puppies the way he glared at us! Another time had a woman tell us off for being "bad parents" because we were buying condoms with our baby in the shopping cart. She is one. I don't think she even knows or cares? She's got a singing wand from the toy section and that's literally all she is thinking about at the moment!

She seemed really upset that we laughed in her face. 🤨

People don't get this kind of reaction when they purchase birth control in front of their kids. Why are condoms any different I'll never know!