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Original poster

Tell me about your DHs with previous drug problems

92 replies

Labradorlove · 11/02/2023 07:20

A very old friend & I have we’ve been dating. After a LOT of internet chat, we met for a coffee & got on extremely well.

He had a drug problem: marijuana, cocaine, painkillers, alcohol, went to rehab 2 years ago. He has been dry since. He follows NA and AA and has a healthy, balanced life style, supported by his family. I have known his family for years, since I was a child, and I like them, they are solid.

I would like to know hear from DWs who have a partner/husband with this history.

I am dry. I also struggled with painkillers & alcohol and managed to break my addictions with a therapist but I haven’t experienced this level in a partner before.

I’d like to know what I’m getting myself into as I really like him & think we could have a future.

OP posts:
category12 · 11/02/2023 07:55

What life stage are you at?

If you have children, I'd say no not worth the risk,
if you're wanting a family, same
if you're older and no dependents, then take the risk if you like.

Original poster
Labradorlove · 11/02/2023 08:20

I have older DCs at university. He has none. I had my kids young so there is a chance for a baby but I can’t say if either of us would want to.

OP posts:
Lili132 · 11/02/2023 08:36

People can absolutely overcome their addiction as long as they take full responsibility, change their habits and address the issues underlying substance abuse.
If they didn't do work on themselves, didn't go to individual therapy and they talk about substances as something that they are a victim to - the risk is greater.

According to research therapies and attitudes that teach responsibility are more effective then those that see addiction as a life long chronic illnes a person has no control over.
People who started taking drugs as young adults and stopped relatively quickly have higher chances of full recovery then people who started as teenagers and continued after the age of 25.

And as someone who experienced life with an addict I can say it's hell on earth/biggest trauma of my life.
Issues usually run much deeper then substance abuse so it's a multilayered problem. But then we had a family and I was quite dependent on him which makes a huge difference.

Original poster
Labradorlove · 11/02/2023 11:01

Thank you very much for this. I’m interested in these sorts of opinions.

He takes full ownership now, but will it last… I suppose only he can decide. He is having really solid therapy for trauma issues, as am I. Maybe this will be key. In the past my relationships were with (traumatised but not alcoholic) men who were not so far along the process but this is the first Time I’m entering something with support structures already in place.

We nearly went out with each other as teenagers but even then I sensed unresolved issues. It’s such a risk. I’m trying not to romanticise it.

OP posts:
category12 · 11/02/2023 11:17

Are you still seeing a therapist? Given your own previous issues with drink etc, I don't know whether 2 ex-addicts together is a good blend?

On the one hand, you know the score and the theory of what helps you stay dry, but relapse on either side might take you both down.

It seems very risky.

Aren't there other men?

category12 · 11/02/2023 11:19

It seems like your "type" hasn't changed so maybe there's more work to do?

PerilousCorridor · 11/02/2023 11:21

Honestly, OP, two people with significant addiction issues, his not that long ago, and a woman with a pattern of relationships with ‘traumatised but not alcoholic’ men? No. That’s a pretty wobbly foundation.

sjxoxo · 11/02/2023 11:29

It sounds like a bit of a recipe for distaster to me tbh. My FIL is a recovered alcoholic but I’d say he just lives his life with it still there if that makes sense. I know 3 other people who have all had long alcohol dependence and none of them have managed to permanently kick it. I would steer clear of a guy with addiction issues personally xo

ClearMoth · 11/02/2023 11:32

I have experience on both sides of this. I think there is no harm in giving it a go for a while as long as you don't have children with him.

I know you said you had your older kids at a young age but you must still be late 30s at least, so you'd have to do it sooner rather than later. Don't get pregnant.

5128gap · 11/02/2023 13:17

I wouldn't. The most important thing for me would be protecting my own wellbeing and sobriety. Its a life long challenge. I wouldn't want to risk having to divert my mental resources to supporting a partner through the same issues. Truly if you've a history if your own, you've enough of a job on already looking after you.

Original poster
Labradorlove · 11/02/2023 13:21

Thank you for replies. This is really helpful but I’m not asking if, but how. I’d like to know about people’s experiences if they did get into such a relationship, how it panned out, what went right/wrong.

OP posts:
WeeOrcadian · 11/02/2023 13:21

I wouldn't, you have your own sobriety to maintain and he has his - that can potentially create a toxic environment where you carry the mental load for two people.

2crossedout1 · 11/02/2023 13:23

The risk here is that you could de-rail each other's recovery, but I guess the bonus is that you understand each other on a deeper level than someone without this background might be able to.

If you do decide to give it a go, I would take things incredibly slowly. Don't move in together until 2026 at the very earliest. By then he'll have been dry for 5 years which will be good going.

category12 · 11/02/2023 13:48

Labradorlove · 11/02/2023 13:21

Thank you for replies. This is really helpful but I’m not asking if, but how. I’d like to know about people’s experiences if they did get into such a relationship, how it panned out, what went right/wrong.

How?

If you're determined to give it a go, then I think you should go back into therapy if you're not still seeing someone and make sure you're also attending recovery groups.

Make sure that you don't fall into co-dependence and do some more work on the pattern of attraction to ‘traumatised but not alcoholic’ men.

Original poster
Labradorlove · 11/02/2023 13:52

In the past my relationships were with (traumatised but not alcoholic) men

OP posts:
Original poster
Labradorlove · 11/02/2023 13:54

In the past. I have been in therapy for decades & overcame this. I’ve been on my own for about 4 years now but my last 2 partners before this were neither addicts nor traumatised. But I take your point about continuing with therapy & avoiding codependency. Thanks.

OP posts:
category12 · 11/02/2023 15:24

But I feel like you haven't successfully overcome it if you're looking at this man as a serious relationship prospect and saying how rather than if.

I feel like you'd be steering away from an ex-addict as someone with that relationship history, if you'd properly put that pattern to bed. You were in relationships with men with trauma issues, now it's an ex-addict - so it's like you're attracted to men with serious issues. Knowing there's a serious risk of relapse, knowing he's a risk to your own sobriety, it seems like a self-destructive move.

category12 · 11/02/2023 15:29

I mean, it's a bit of reverting to type.

Original poster
Labradorlove · 11/02/2023 15:33

That’s why I’m asking for people who have Beth in my situation to share their experiences. Because otherwise so much of it is based on other people’s feelings of how they think it would be. It’s hypothetical.

You don’t know that he’s at serious risk if relapsing any more than I do. Or me, for that matter. I’ve been dry for 18 years so I think it’s ok.

I was asking so I could gauge from the experiences of others.

I’m not really interested in patterns, seeing as I’ve been alone for so long, and my previous 2 partners before that were fine. I’ve known this man a very long time, I’m more interested in the here and now, than in my or his previous patterns.

OP posts:
thefamous5 · 11/02/2023 15:34

My husband is a previous coke/weed/alcohol addict.

It started after we had our second child, but after me moving out with our two children he had the impetus to quit.

He did it by himself and hasn't touched any of the three now for more than a decade. He smokes cigarettes, but given everything, I can absolutely deal with that.

We have gone on to have two more children and get married since and he really is an incredible husband/ dad.

AliceOlive · 11/02/2023 15:39

I had a family member relapse and overdose after years of sobriety. I have endless empathy and a a great deal of respect for people recovery but wouldn’t personally put myself through it. I figured out he relapsed and feel like I saw his demise happening in slow motion. It was excruciatingly painful. For him, also, I’m sure.

One particular problem is, if an addict in end up with any kind of major physical problem they are much more likely to turn to the thing they know will make them feel ok. This is what happened in our family. I don’t think he could stop himself.

category12 · 11/02/2023 15:40

Fair enough. But patterns are hard to break and he's an ex-addict being treated for trauma issues, so it is demonstrably similar to your past.

But I'll desist at this point. Good luck.

tonystarksrighthand · 11/02/2023 15:43

As someone and family members in a 12 step program (AA & NA) there is a lot of support.

However, as an addict yourself you know there is ALWAYS the risk of relapse, that's why it's a daily program.

But from my own experience there has been good and bad.

Bad - the worse being relapse and beyond
Good - the best life you could possibly live

I wish you both all the very best, one day at a time Daffodil

Original poster
Labradorlove · 11/02/2023 15:46

thefamous5 · 11/02/2023 15:34

My husband is a previous coke/weed/alcohol addict.

It started after we had our second child, but after me moving out with our two children he had the impetus to quit.

He did it by himself and hasn't touched any of the three now for more than a decade. He smokes cigarettes, but given everything, I can absolutely deal with that.

We have gone on to have two more children and get married since and he really is an incredible husband/ dad.

This is really helpful to read. I’m interested in how it feels to be the spouse of someone who had these addictions.

Interesting that his habits started after you’d had children. I imagine it’s particularly stressful for someone with these issues.

Could you - if you don’t mind - share something about his recovery? What impact did AA/NA have on you and your DCs?

Thanks so much. I really did want to hear from the perspective of being the partner.

OP posts:
tonystarksrighthand · 11/02/2023 15:49

In answer to your question thou ....

My SIL relapsed after 6 years. Then sadly died by suicide. DB is also in recovery and has remarkably stayed clean and sober (12 steps)

My DM ... sober 16 years and lives literally her best life.