Tell me about your DHs with previous drug problems

[Labradorlove]

A very old friend & I have we’ve been dating. After a LOT of internet chat, we met for a coffee & got on extremely well.

He had a drug problem: marijuana, cocaine, painkillers, alcohol, went to rehab 2 years ago. He has been dry since. He follows NA and AA and has a healthy, balanced life style, supported by his family. I have known his family for years, since I was a child, and I like them, they are solid.

I would like to know hear from DWs who have a partner/husband with this history.

I am dry. I also struggled with painkillers & alcohol and managed to break my addictions with a therapist but I haven’t experienced this level in a partner before.

I’d like to know what I’m getting myself into as I really like him & think we could have a future.

I'm doing both. I am attending an AA meeting with him in a few weeks, I've spoken to people at both and I am asking on here. I don't mind what the answers are, in fact the more realistic, the better.

I had DD1 when I was 18, her dad hid his addiction (heroin) from me until I found him passed out on the toilet one day.

He managed to kick that particular addiction and relied on alcohol instead which was just as bad.

Fast-forward 12 years I am happily married to someone else. He is now hospitalised due to alcoholism and barely sees DD.

Honestly OP there are so many good men out there, pick one without an addiction history. You've done so well for yourself you should be proud, but for the love of god don't have any more children.

Thank you for this, GreyPaw. I'm so sorry for what you've been through. Gosh 46 is no age. That's a lot of experience, too.

You mention being comfortable about the risk, with your boyfriend. I wonder if being older helps. I guess given that he has been teetotal for nearly 40 years gives a sense of confidence, and also the absence of the addict personality.

Yeah, I bet you have seen everything. I don't have a sense of how it was with my friend. I was abroad with my exhusband and we missed a whole chunk of each other's lives, I only have what he describes and what his family say. I can imagine he would have said and done similar to what you describe here... the faith & promise in staying clean. I imagine no addict wants to fall, but that the risk is always there. As someone said previously, it's a small fall to relapse.

That sounds like a complicated story. I'm so sorry for what youve been through. Obviously this is what I'm keen to avoid, so it is good to be reminded. I want to feel that I have the freedom to step back, which I think means inching forwards but with enormous space between us. I don't know if that makes sense. We will see how discussion continues. Maybe it will fizzle out a bit if we give it time.

Thank you for this. Gosh refuge! That makes me want to run a million miles.

Yes, to some extent I wonder if having childhood trauma will mean always being attracted to someone with trauma themselves. I don't see it as a cycle to "break" but then I was also raised by alcoholics. I think maybe I was similar to you - I had addiction issues in terms of using drugs and alcohol as an escape.

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm really happy you made it through and that you don't feel you would risk anything again. I'm totally clean and dry and panic over diazepam or anything like that. But it is small steps.

We will see about it developing. I am up and down in my thinking. Some days I think that it could work, because yes, he is coping better than ever in the decades I've known him. But on the other hand, I know how easy it is to slip. Yes, I do think the answer is to take anything very slowly. I lowered my expectations even of the friendship at certain points, so anything extra has already been a bonus.

That's a really sad experience, I'm so sorry. Thanks for sharing, it's really helping me to read these sorts of experiences, and to see how specific relationships progressed/or not. You must feel so relieved to be out of that.

Yes, I hear you. I have had the odd date with a couple of other guys who are the complete opposite to my friend, and I know one in particular would be good for me in other ways. Will see. Yeahhhh I hear what you say about more kids - tbh i think that's just my mind weighing up both sides before I go into menopause. The friendship is the main thing, and it has survived so much. I'm glad to know we will always have that. Anything else is just on top.

If this was the case they wouldn't have raised a severe drug addict.

Unless the problem is him?

Thanks for your kind words @Labradorlove. Maybe the thing to do is take micro-steps here as you've suggested. After my own experience I'd be very sceptical about anything a recently recovered addict says just because of my experience (and people have since told me it is far from unusual for addicts to lie about their use).

I think he entirely believed his own narrative at the start, which is what made him so convincing. He was a high earner and threw a lot of money at the problem, I think in the hope that one of them would turn out to be a magic wand. He had been to the Priory, had had EMDR (in case it was linked to trauma), had regular psychologist sessions over about two years, and regularly went to 12 step meetings. He was from a seemingly solid, supportive family and was a smart guy - very well educated and looked on the outside like anyone's dream-come-true.

By the end, he was having one-to-one meetings with a 12 step mentor but I don't think he ever made it past the first few steps without relapsing. He had given himself over to the Church, and totally thrown himself into that. After he died I realised he thought he'd made some kind of pact with God - that it showed he was an upstanding moral person, and that somehow meant that his secret life was ok.

It was hell though. By the time he got really unwell I was working on an exit plan out of sheer necessity. However despite being deep in addiction by then (unknown to me the extent until after he'd died) he insisted almost every spare moment was spent at his church as that was what was 'keeping him well', he said. That meant I had to take care of his kids so he could go. It was insufferable. Honestly, if he wasn't absent because of the addiction, he was absent because of the 'recovery'. And in between times he was so grumpy with everyone, or sulking because I'd asked him to hang some of his washing up or something, and he felt that people should have been more nurturing to him so that he could focus on his wellbeing. Now I know it was because he needed to blame others to justify using. It was no way to live.

They have had their own problems. Maybe it’s genetic. Those questions are true of all addicts.

My own experiences are that my parents didn’t enable me - I left home at 18 like my friend did. I found my own ways to get hooked, all by myself. My parents died when I was 19 and then 25 so it must be possible to have addiction happen even without parental involvement. He went to a different country & was not near his parents, only for visits. They are loving & supportive but they are not physically nearby (ditto siblings). I just don’t get that vibe.

i do know of cases where parents have been like that, though. It is certainly a factor for some.

I’ve been with my OH for 5 years and we’re both former addicts in recovery. It works for us as we get each other but it’s a lot of work to make sure we don’t become co-dependant. We go to separate AA and NA meetings and have our own circle of recovery friends that we can vent to / get support from. He’s been clean for 6 years and me for 20 (stopped when I was 24 and had liver damage).

The current boyfriend - my confidence is because of a few things, but it's notable though that he didn't go to any rehab programmes and his family were the total opposite of supportive, he gave up alcohol and stayed sober since. He just happens to be incredibly stubborn and he threw all his spare time and energy into training.

Comparatively my late husband doesn't seem to have become addicted until some time in his 30s, totally gave himself over to it, and then couldn't stop despite having the best treatment money could buy. Maybe some of it just luck, I don't know.

If it’s genetic, why have more kids? If you are both addicts and your parents were addicts and you currently already have kids who, touch wood, aren’t addicts (yet - don’t be fooled. there’s still time) why risk it?

I feel like there’s a bit of self delusion about the kids question. I just can’t understand why it’s not a hard no. You are inching towards a possible relationship with this man and still waiting for the other shoe to drop but you’d get pregnant?

What in gods name about this relationship or this man says possible father of my children?

I’m sorry if this is something you want us to ignore but the fact you are even considering it shows how off your judgement is. You won’t acknowledge it because you know on some level how stupid it is and like most people making stupid decisions, you don’t want to risk being argued out of it.

There’s some fantasy you’re inching towards with this guy and it’s not gonna happen. That’s fine. That’s life. Have the relationship but for god’s sake, commit to no more children.

Oh and I’m not kidding about your current children. It wasn’t even visible til late 20s whose “love of partying” was just full blown alcoholism. They likely have a genetic pre disposition towards addiction and they are still only in university. They still may yet spiral downwards. I wouldn’t be maxing out my energy on teenage boyfriend and the last chance baby just yet.

I had an ex partner who was long recovered from cocaine use. They didn't relapse but drank regularly and sometimes to excess.

Lots of unresolved trauma and what was needed for them to keep together emotionally involved a life with tons of limitations which could feel quite controlling at times.

Ultimately I was a real rescuer at the time due to my own childhood issues and when I did my own work and growing and putting healthy boundaries in it didn't work.

in tuen this was a big contributor to their mental health reaching crisis point and them being too scary for me to live with any more. So I would say the resolution of the trauma is the absolute key.

Two years is relatively recent and with a whole range of addictions both stimulants and depressants. If you do decide to date I'd suggest keeping it very low key for a least a couple of years till you probably get to know each other. But introduce them to friends early and ask for their frank opinion.

For me when I look back over a decade later my main memory of the 7 years is a lot of sadness and it being a hard hard life

My remark about this was in answer to a question someone made about whether there were kids involved.

You are making a very big deal out of an answer which was that I don’t even know if he wants or ever wanted kids.

This is really informative. Thank you for sharing. I often wondered what happened in cases where both were addicted to substances and now in AA/NA meetings. I can see it makes sense to have separate meetings and support streams.

I'm thinking a lot about this confidence idea and what contributes to that. I'm guessing role of family (or not, if they are toxic), projects/training, work. I;m reminded of the work on self-compassion by this woman Kristin Neff. She says that self compassion about mindfulness, the plight of mankind, and self-acceptance. I often think about that in my own recovery. Yes, undoubtedly age of addiction must have something to do with it, as well.

This is really helpful. It sounds very familiar - unresolved trauma, being a rescuer, working extra hard to put in healthy boundaries... no idea if it would work in the long run, I am wary. Yes, 2 years is so recent.

Low key is exactly what I suggested when he offered. At the very least. I'm terrified: the last time he was unwell, I watched him die - he was literally dying in front of my eyes. There is probably something in that, too. My fear is that he is perceiving our friendship as particularly special because of that experience. But whatever, he knows it's his stuff and he has to deal with it by himself (and tbf, he has). We have many friends in common & we;ve both been open to them about his drug problem. He is owning it, which is might help him in the long run.

Yeah that is another fear. Would I set up for years of sadness and misery. I can't be doing with that, in all honesty, I have DCs to look after (even if they are adults, technically, they still need me) and my own wellbeing & work. I've shared this with my non-him friends, so they are well aware and extremely supportive of my decisions. It's lucky to have this sense of clarity after all these years.

Hey thank you. I feel like your post has taught me a lot.

You really have had a tough time of things. Wow. I can see why you felt sceptic. Tbh I think it is healthy to do that (and that's what motivated me to post). It is really helpful to have this story shared.

I wonder a lot about places like AA and those which kind of work on belief systems. I don't even know how to word this properly, but I think the mind of an addict is already deluded from the start, and therapy types which involve God/church must be on a dodgy line to begin. BUt i really don't know enough, am only learning through him, and it's his stuff to deal with in whichever what he feels best. .I feel that that sense of morality (vs shame) can cause its own spiral of problem, especially if there is guilt already there through childhood trauma. There must have been a lot of dissonance going on there.

I am massively grateful to you for sharing this. I hope he found peace & i hope you have continued happiness.