Tell me about your DHs with previous drug problems

[Labradorlove]

A very old friend & I have we’ve been dating. After a LOT of internet chat, we met for a coffee & got on extremely well.

He had a drug problem: marijuana, cocaine, painkillers, alcohol, went to rehab 2 years ago. He has been dry since. He follows NA and AA and has a healthy, balanced life style, supported by his family. I have known his family for years, since I was a child, and I like them, they are solid.

I would like to know hear from DWs who have a partner/husband with this history.

I am dry. I also struggled with painkillers & alcohol and managed to break my addictions with a therapist but I haven’t experienced this level in a partner before.

I’d like to know what I’m getting myself into as I really like him & think we could have a future.

Ah! Bingo. This was what I wanted to consider; I may have worded it clumsily. The impact of AA/NA on relationship “life”.

That is something to remember, relationship or not, thank you for sharing.

The worst is relapse/worse, the best is life to the max. It’s the in between which we are navigating, and remembering to keep steps at a slow/moderate place, rather than dashing in for gulps of affection. I need to be aware of his. Hmm I am rambling now. Thank you.

Oh and sorry one last thing OP

Impact of recovery on any family member in recovery, albeit AA/NA or any other recovery program MUST COME FIRST.

The analogy of putting your own oxygen mask on is best used here.

@Labradorlove

Huge empathy for you. Life isn't easy, in fact a 12 step program is more likely to help navigate through the in between bits.

(Promise you I'm not a blue book basher!)

What my DB has been through in life and still TODAY is clean and sober he would never have achieved without a recovery program. But his recovery comes first.

This is incredibly helpful & insightful, you’ve been through so much pain, I’m sorry. I can see it’s a mixed bag, there must be so many factors.

Yes….I was thinking oxygen mask analogy, too.
I’m giving careful consideration to what I am taking on…

but also to what we’ve built & achieved already. It’s really rare for me to have this deep level of understanding & both ways.

I think small steps is the best way forwards.

@Labradorlove thank you. I really do know there is a life beyond addiction.

Amazing about your DB. You must be relieved. I have seen my friend at death’s door. I am a strong person & I know he is saving himself, but regardless where he is with that, there is a lot to accept. Yes, recovery comes first.

I can’t thank you enough for sharing your experiences & wisdom.

2 years is nothing in terms of addiction and he didn't have an issue with just one substance or type of substance, he had the whole bingo card of uppers and downers.

That "sense of deep understanding" is your traumatised attachment style recognising a similar feeling from a similar past relationship, not love.

Go back to therapy and protect your own recovery. You will end up either relapsing with this man or being his caretaker when he stumbles.

Interesting response. So what is love, if it’s not about attachments recognising each other? I’m no psychoanalyst but i would imagine that the point of being in love is to be attached & presumably we attach to similarity.

Yes, that’s good advice. I’m having continued therapy, so will take these thoughts to my sessions. Two years is nothing, I agree!

I don’t know about your last prediction. Is it either-or? Can there be a greyish are between, where we support each other in other individual recoveries, acknowledging difficult stages but hopefully without relapse?

Another thing - hopefully not sounding too defensive, I want to explain. My sense of deep affection & understanding comes from a shared history, as our families knew each other growing up. No wonder there is similarity, they were close friends.

it is helping me to understand. Thanks for ideas.

Love to me is deep trust and respect, it's more complete than lust or infatuation. Being attached to someone is like those early teenage relationships where you stay up all night talking and live in each other's pockets. It's intense but not stable or sustainable.

I don't see a scenario where you go off into the sunset mutually recovered, sorry. He's been addicted to the same drugs as you (plus weed, which isn't great, but coke is the absolute worst) so if he falls off the wagon he'll be high around you and potentially bringing substances into your home and it will fuck you up.

Cocaine addiction is especially grimy as it often involves using prostitutes, stealing money and other impulsive acts to get a dopamine hit.

And if I sound harsh it's because I dated a coke addict. He stole from his family and from a charity. He lied and manipulated to psychopathic levels. He fathered 3 kids he doesn't pay for. He lost his job. His nose is falling apart from chronic inflammation and infection, which led to meningitis and nearly killed him. He looks 20 years older than he is.

He lives in his parents' shed getting drunk and scamming money off friends and family to buy coke.

He was once "recovered" too.

I won’t share my friends story as it isn’t mine to tell, but her DP has been 100% solid for the years they’ve been together and absolutely not a hint of him going off the rails. He’s an outstanding human being and possibly better now because of his past, if that makes sense. Not all of his old friendship circle have been as successful at kicking it, and he’s had to ruthlessly cut those people out of his life. Which he did, long before he met her.

I think the important things are that both of you made the decision to get clean yourselves, with no coercion from other people. You have to WANT it. You have to have evidence of staying clean (which you both have) and a calm, solid, drama free family and friend circle. No pressure or temptation. I definitely think it can work.

Yea, with all due respect, I think you are projecting your own experiences here.

There is deep trust & respect here, too. None of it is lust - we haven’t even kissed or been into each other’s physical zone 🤣 and as for infatuation, I don’t think that’s accurate, either.

its hard across MN to show you. But I can assure you that it isn’t the situation you have painted.

With all due respect.. you asked to hear stories of DHs with drug problems.

Thank you for sharing this. I’m happy to hear your friend’s DH got it and kept it together. My friend thinks that being “in service” will help, as in, using his experiences for work.

Yes. He said exactly what your last paragraph says. He has to want it himself, he wants it himself, & we both need (and I have created in my DCs, anyway) a calm & drama-free family. We both have had huge successes in our vocations, so that inspires me further, but we will need to progress in teeny tiny steps.

I am really happy about your friend. Sometimes you need to experience the extremes of surviving life to recognise what to keep in.

OP I think you're just going to cling on to any hope that people offer you and were never really open to giving up this relationship.

I wish you well but I think you're throwing your life away on another bad option.

You are telling me about a coke addict you ice dated, in the context of why I shouldn’t have this relationship. That’s not what I asked. I want to hear about DHs, the ones the stuck around - my title says it. Sorry if this wasn’t clear.

You *once dated. Typos!

My husband didn't do NA/AA. He got clean by himself and with his family and friends with supporting him (and me).

It was very stressful and very difficult. Our children were young at the time (both under two) so fortunately, they weren't 'massively' impacted. We were lucky in that we all had superb support from our loved ones which made it much easier.

He's very open with his past with everyone including our children, who all know. Of course, I occasionally worry about him relapsing but we have had incredibly stressful times since then and he's not relapsed and I'm confident that if he felt like he would, he would reach out for professional support.

In one respect; it strengthened our relationship because it did make us both realise how much we lived each other (cheesy but true!)

To add, he doesn't drink or anything now and is totally sober but is fine with me drinking etc, although we don't keep booze in the house. I guess now, the biggest impact on us is that there are times when I would love to share a bottle of wine with him on a weekend evening and can't, but in the grand scheme of things...it's nothin(!

Thank you. I realise after that I assumed your husband did do NA/AA. I can see support is key.

You have been through it. I can see with my friend his he benefits from having his family who are absolutely wonderful. I did mine alone but I wasn’t close to death.

It helps that my friend didn’t hide anything from me even when he was at his worst. Going back so far, we’ve seen the less nice parts of our characters as we grew up, too, but they were normal things for our ages. Our baseline to our friendship has always been trust & honesty, which would work as a bonus if we took it further.

Yes, I imagine it really did cement your relationship. There’s something about seeing someone at their worst….

You both sound really sorted. I’m enormously grateful for you for sharing & wish you all the very best.

Look up “mirror neurons.” Familiarity feels like love and connection, but it’s not.

no need to argue with me (I notice you are arguing with everyone who offers perspective you don’t want to hear) I’m not coming back to this thread.

Really? I’m not arguing, I am explaining. People are not reading my thread title. I’m specifically asking for spouses or partners of people with experience of addiction to share their experiences. I’m not asking whether I should/shouldn’t extend my friendship. It’s frustrating! I’m well aware of familiarity and similarity and attachment. But that’s not what I’m asking!

@Twentywisteria He was once "recovered" too.

That's why we call it recovery, no addict is ever recovered. They are in recovery because you're only a second away from a relapse.