Tell me about your DHs with previous drug problems

[Labradorlove]

A very old friend & I have we’ve been dating. After a LOT of internet chat, we met for a coffee & got on extremely well.

He had a drug problem: marijuana, cocaine, painkillers, alcohol, went to rehab 2 years ago. He has been dry since. He follows NA and AA and has a healthy, balanced life style, supported by his family. I have known his family for years, since I was a child, and I like them, they are solid.

I would like to know hear from DWs who have a partner/husband with this history.

I am dry. I also struggled with painkillers & alcohol and managed to break my addictions with a therapist but I haven’t experienced this level in a partner before.

I’d like to know what I’m getting myself into as I really like him & think we could have a future.

My dad. I remember the relapses and the rehab visits. He was handsome, gentle and funny. He stuck around. Until my mum divorced him and I'm forever grateful she did. So yeah, not having kids to mess up would be helpful.

My Ex partner was clean as a daisy (the cocaine problem was only stories relied to me by his family). Then came the "stress". Then smoking, then vaping, then vaping CBD, then smoking weed daily, then whiskey daily. The very last time we spoke on the phone, he was snorting coke in the background.

Better you than me, OP.

Thank you @QueenCamilla

My dad had problems too but fidget get as far as rehab. I’m sorry about your ex partner. I can see how it creeps up. Sorry you went through that.

*didnt

I knew a few ex addicts who are clean and married happily now with new partners. It’s not that rare. No new children though. instead they focused on repairing and strengthening relationships they’d previously damaged. That took some time! Their partner also assumed they might relapse and planned accordingly.

The fact that you aren’t ruling out a new baby is the biggest red flag here. Tbh most of your posts sound like you think you’ve found your soulmate and it’s time to throw caution to the wind. It’s not.

Sorry.

Thanks. I only know one, which is why I started this thread. I think that’s too much emphasis of my baby mention. It was in response to a PP who asked if there were kids involved. I don’t know if he has ever wanted kids or not, was what I think I said.

Yes, it makes sense that those couples would make the relationship the focus. I hope we hear from a few more.

Soulmate?! 🤣 Just goes to show how wrong an impression people get on the internet. It’s actually the opposite, if anything!

@MarieRoseMarie I’m much more interested in hearing about people who are with men who use AA and NA, and what their relationships & family lives are like. Does that help? I’m trying to get an idea of what my life might look like in say, 2,3,4 years this my friendship were to go to the next stage.

What you actually said was

I had my kids young so there is a chance for a baby but I can’t say if either of us would want to.

in and of itself that shows you don't fully grasp the situation.

And the pp's stories re coke addicts are relevant regardless of the exact marital status or length of relationship. You just don't want to hear them

I don't have personal experience but I do have professional experience of working with people in and recovering from addiction and for that reason I would give anyone in recovery a wide berth unless they had done lots of work on themselves and not just AA/NA. Even then, I think it would probably be a no if I'd had any difficulties myself.

I have never met someone with alcohol and/or substance issues that wasn't also experiencing deep pain and trauma. There was a reason their life took the path it did and it wasn't because of the substance itself.

It's really tough to have to live with and face another person's pain. It can affect family life, it can impact how they and therefore you live and function.

Then you bring your own stuff to the relationship too and you have two people dealing with their own demons trying to co-exist.

I sound really negative and selfish here but expedience has taught me that recovering from addiction is a really long road and there are often big big bumps that aren't expected and that's hard. It would affect you differently if your relationship deepened and changed.

So, I would be selfish and prioritise myself in this scenario. I would carry on being a good friend but I wouldn't get entangled in an intimate relationship.

I am asking for specific experience from spouses or partners. I’m not interested in personal attacks. Thanks.

Just to add, 2 years in recovery wouldn't be long enough for me to ever risk it.

@takethedevilledeggs
That is helpful. I’ve since spoken to a couple of people in the profession, too & they said similar.

At this stage, I’m tiptoeing in micro micro steps. He had been working on himself long before this rehab, but it may still not be enough.

I’m pretty wary anyway - last relationship was 4 years ago now, his was 8 years. That’s telling in itself. There are intimacy issues. Im more curious to know how it would look. I think it would have to present as living apart.

Nothing wrong with negative and selfish! especially selfish - in my experience we are not selfish enough.

Yes, I think this is correct:
I would be selfish and prioritise myself in this scenario. I would carry on being a good friend but I wouldn't get entangled in an intimate relationship

I would just add “for now” & review over the years, maybe.

from what I can tell their lives are completely normal. I don’t think they go to AA. They do go to therapy though.

Its really not clear what you are asking. People’s relationships will differ because they are all different people. Their families after will depend on their families before.

If you want to know what it looks like, why don’t you contact AA or NA and chat to people there? Or ask people who know you what they think? Go ask your kids what they think. Or go chat with his wonderful solid family that produced a traumatised addict?

Or are you afraid you won’t like the answers?

I mean, you definitely sound besotted and defensive in these posts but I guess none of understand your lurrrve…

I think the fact that you're really exploring this is positive and hopefully you'll continue to do so. Not now but possible in the future is a good way of seeing it as long as neither of you close yourselves off to other opportunities that might come along in work, love, fun.

Good luck.

I ve dated men with addiction issues.

1: first continued to smoke weed daily, didn't follow advice if his weekly visit to nurse. Lived at home, never grew up despite fathering two children. Was sweet, kind and fun too. Always broke, always feeding his addictions and trauma first.

1. Second, another man child that lived at home and hid behind his "traumas", to explain away his reliance on drugs. Stole money from me, drug taking always came first. No friends, just his dealer.

1. Ex alcoholic, recently finished addiction counselling, fiery temper, took loads of other drugs, prescription drugs for anxiety etc. Whold World revolved around him and his needs. Everyone is just an extension to be used to get what he wants. Lives alone with cats, off the road, never ending student living on benefits.

OMG writing it down makes it all very real and sad. I ve read alcoholics annonimous for friends and family and see the Co dependency patterns.

Anyway, all addicts (wet and dry) are all black holes, and all the trauma is ALL theirs, they own it all, everyone else is just a support for their massive egos.

Stsy well clear.

Personally I'd steer clear, but then I married an ex addict who was clean when I met him (not long enough I now know) and he relapsed a few short years later and died from it at 46.

I have a boyfriend now who felt he was becoming addicted to alcohol (family history and he started at a young age) so became teetotal at the age of 18. Never had a drink since, but did work out a lot in the following 20 years. He's been teetotal for nearly 40 years so I'm more comfortable about the risk. I also don't see the addict personality in him that I saw in my late husband but after 40 years I guess this is his way of life now.

In short though, after my late husband I've seen every trick in the book, including the total faith they have that they'll stay clean after just a short period, so wouldn't go there again without there being a LONG stretch of sobriety that i believe actually has happened.

Just to add - the late husband had been to the priory as an inpatient, was going to groups, had a supportive family and therapy. He talked the right talk about it being totally his responsibility etc. He told me he'd been clean for over a year and in my nativity I thought that meant he was no longer addicted. Turns out cocaine isn't like that, also turns out he lied about having been clean for that long. After we were married I found out and confronted him and it was the usual "a relapse doesn't mean I'm not clean, it's just a slip up WHILE I'm clean" typical self delusion.

And far from talking total responsibility, that's just what he spouted from the AA books. After he died I found his journals that made it clear it was all my fault. Odd as his addiction predated me, but in his head that's how he rationalised it. He cam across before we were married as gentle, self aware and generous, but when he'd had the commitment he was utterly spoilt, demanded the world revolved around him so he could "stay well" (even though he didn't) and the only positive was that we didn't have children.

I was in a relationship with him for 2 years. You might think that's irrelevant because we were not married but it had a huge impact on my life.

You are only dating this man currently. He isn't your DH.

You said: And if I sound harsh it's because I dated a coke addict which didn’t sound like a relationship.

I’m not even dating this guy, I’ve met him once for a coffee 🤣 although he’s a very old childhood friend. Of course he’s not my DH 😂

Thank you. I really am being very careful to explore all the possibilities - and with him, too. He is a very old friend & we always protected each other as children. There were a couple of times where we nearly got together & then fate had other ideas. I say that not to romanticise it, but to make it clearer the platform on which the friendship is built.

Even if nothing further happens, I want to know how best to support him. We have been in each others’ lives on/off for so many decades. But also, I know his family - his parents & siblings, even cousins. I’m delighted to be included by him in that network.

Thank you, yes, we are discussing every step of way which direction to go in, and considering the various options. Starting a relationship at our age us so hugely different (If we do!).

I really respect your advice. Thanks!

Read your own posts back. Even your OP says you're thinking of a future and possibly a baby.

You sound besotted and I share the annoyance of some other posts that you're cherrypicking the happy stories because they fit your fantasy and finding ways to undermine or defend against anything negative.

It also doesn't add up that he's got this incredibly solid supportive family yet has had a severe polysubstance addiction.

Ultimately you're clearly in limerance/obsession/fantasy land already and only pay attention to what you want to hear.

Addicts cast spells on people like this because they're intense by nature.

The family are all enablers too, if they weren't, they wouldn't be involved.

There is definitely a future - because there is a huge past. He is a very old friend, and we have told each other, we are friends for life. Whether we will be lovers has yet to be decided. There was one date and no kissing or anything. There has been much much discussion where we went through our feelings. So yes, we are very fond of one another. I don't think it is limerence or obsession. I've been dating a couple of other guys, he knows all about those. There is complete clarity. You're right, addiction causes other problems and both he and I are intense people, hence not rushing into stuff.

What I actually said, in response to someone who asked if there were children involved/if they were intended, was:
I have older DCs at university. He has none. I had my kids young so there is a chance for a baby but I can’t say if either of us would want to.

It would be the same for me with anyone. I might like to have another baby, or I might not. It's not been an option that presented to me before, so maybe I would prefer a partner who could give that, next time (not necessarily him).

If you read my replies carefully, you will see that your critical analysis of my posts is misguided and inaccurate. I haven't cherry picked any correct posts at all. Must be your projection. Don't be a dick. You don't need to put words into my mouth. I don't need analysis for my decisions, I asked a simple question in my title.

Obviously, it is hard for me to prove this without going it detail, but their reactions have suggested far from enabling. They are not overinvolved. They are an appropriate level of loving and supportive, and firm and boundaried.

That's helpful, thanks. That really is incredibly sad. I agree, and recognise from my own addictive personality problems, that trauma can make people seem terribly egoistic. Surviving is selfish - I mean from a preservation side.

I recognise some of my past couple of relationships from what you have written, but none have ever been as bad as this friend. I was with someone who had severe PTSD and painkiller addiction, and someone else, when I was younger, who smoked weed and drank too much and did the odd line of coke. My ex-husband was absolutely normal in every sense, even though he had had terrible grief - he drank heavily but not an addict, and we would often abstain together. Another partner was neither traumatised nor an addict.

Last partner was not addicted, either, but had pretty bad trauma. Thinking it through, mine have been more traumatised but not addicted. Maybe there is a difference, I've never really thought about it. This current guy is in a totally different league of addiction. He's the only person I've ever known go to rehab.

Ah I had a childhood sweetheart/met back up when adults relationship OP. I ended up having to move to a refuge!

I don't mind ex addicts that have done the work. I'm an ex addict. I have childhood trauma, I wouldn't be with someone 'normal' as they wouldn't get me. I wasn't physically addicted to drugs, I used drugs to escape. A lot of drugs. Drugs and that escape kept me alive, I now have much better tools to manage so I don't need to escape. I also wouldn't risk ruining my life over drugs or alcohol again. I can drink, take prescription pain killers inc diazapam for my health condition, try different things when in Amsterdam for example and then never think about continually taking anything/I don't even think about drinking every week. I drink in a healthy way - ie not a lot and not to escape but for social and fun aspects. I don't believe once an addict always an addict - I can pick up and put down things like prescription codiene/diazapam and I don't use alcohol to de-stress or escape.

It can be done. I'm definitely not the only one.

This relationship could develop OP. He may be learning better coping strategies and dealing with his trauma. Don't rush in to anything and see what happens. Just take it very very slow.