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Original poster

He's annoyed that I don't "do" Valentine's Day

102 replies

34and3 · 10/02/2023 19:21

Been with dh 11 years. I've always found V day to just be a Clinton's Cards opportunity day to be honest. I really personally don't see the need to be forced to say three words on one specific day of the year. Blah blah I could go on!

Dh on the other hand says I'm invalidating our relationship by not doing something for it.

Am I the only grumpy one or does anyone else view it the same as me?

OP posts:
WimpoleHat · 11/02/2023 12:58

Why not do away with every holiday?

It isn’t a holiday, though - it’s a saint’s day that’s been co-opted for commercial ends.

GotABeatForYouMama · 11/02/2023 13:14

emptythelitterbox · 11/02/2023 12:15

Why not do away with every holiday?

Hate to break it to you but it's not a holiday.

category12 · 11/02/2023 13:15

WimpoleHat · 11/02/2023 12:58

Why not do away with every holiday?

It isn’t a holiday, though - it’s a saint’s day that’s been co-opted for commercial ends.

So what, tho?

You don't have to make pancakes on Shrove Tuesday, buy chocolate at Easter, bother with birthdays, do Christmas or Halloween or whatever other celebrations there are.

But if someone you love likes marking the occasion or following the convention, why would you dig your heels in and refuse to join in? It's such a little thing.

ShandaLear · 11/02/2023 13:20

If it’s important to him I think it would be nice to acknowledge it. It doesn’t need to be hearts and flowers, but buying him a nice bottle of red wine as a gift and cooking a couple of steaks for dinner might be nice for you both.

LadyHarmby · 11/02/2023 13:23

Auliza · 10/02/2023 19:31

We don’t really do Valentines Day. We maybe get each other a card and then DH likes to pick something for tea, like the M&S meals.

That qualifies as doing it, sorry!

Eleganz · 11/02/2023 13:49

OP, in your 11 years together are valentine's days typically a one way affair?

I get the arguments about manufactures holidays and similar but if you've spent over a decade trying to show appreciation to your spouse on a particular day and getting little in return then I can sympathise why you might get annoyed.

Perhaps you should start viewing this in the context of your relationship rather than the wider social construct of it.

2Bornot · 11/02/2023 14:05

My DH has your attitude OP and it makes me feel so crap watching everyone else get affection while mine can’t be arsed to do anything nice.

You’re just lazy. If you don’t wanna spend £3 on a shop card, make your own, or leave a nice note on your partner’s pillow, or cook them a nice breakfast. Give them a footrub or a flower, that’s free...

If you don’t want to show any appreciation at all of your partner, on a day when traditionally most of the world does, that’s probably because you don’t appreciate your partner.

Puppers · 11/02/2023 14:20

2Bornot · 11/02/2023 14:05

My DH has your attitude OP and it makes me feel so crap watching everyone else get affection while mine can’t be arsed to do anything nice.

You’re just lazy. If you don’t wanna spend £3 on a shop card, make your own, or leave a nice note on your partner’s pillow, or cook them a nice breakfast. Give them a footrub or a flower, that’s free...

If you don’t want to show any appreciation at all of your partner, on a day when traditionally most of the world does, that’s probably because you don’t appreciate your partner.

Do you do all those things on 6th October every year? Or are you just too lazy?

For some of us (lots of us), the 14th February is no more meaningful than any other date as it holds no religious, social or cultural significance for us. Laziness is nothing to do with it.

Puppers · 11/02/2023 14:23

2Bornot · 11/02/2023 14:05

My DH has your attitude OP and it makes me feel so crap watching everyone else get affection while mine can’t be arsed to do anything nice.

You’re just lazy. If you don’t wanna spend £3 on a shop card, make your own, or leave a nice note on your partner’s pillow, or cook them a nice breakfast. Give them a footrub or a flower, that’s free...

If you don’t want to show any appreciation at all of your partner, on a day when traditionally most of the world does, that’s probably because you don’t appreciate your partner.

Also “most of the world” definitely does not celebrate Valentine’s Day. Even in countries where we do have the cards and meal deals in the shops etc, I doubt very much that a majority of adults “celebrate” it. I don’t think I know anybody who does. We all love and appreciate our partners and show them in lots of ways regardless.

CatherinedeBourgh · 11/02/2023 14:26

I'm the same, fortunately dh gets it.

ElizaGumpyLeg · 11/02/2023 14:27

Puppers · 11/02/2023 14:23

Also “most of the world” definitely does not celebrate Valentine’s Day. Even in countries where we do have the cards and meal deals in the shops etc, I doubt very much that a majority of adults “celebrate” it. I don’t think I know anybody who does. We all love and appreciate our partners and show them in lots of ways regardless.

Show quote history

@Puppers

The majority of couples who are actually happy with each other and in love in the UK do at least something for Valentine’s Day. Could be something as small as flowers or chocolates.

category12 · 11/02/2023 14:29

Puppers · 11/02/2023 14:23

Also “most of the world” definitely does not celebrate Valentine’s Day. Even in countries where we do have the cards and meal deals in the shops etc, I doubt very much that a majority of adults “celebrate” it. I don’t think I know anybody who does. We all love and appreciate our partners and show them in lots of ways regardless.

Show quote history

But if your partner likes it, none of that matters.

It doesn't matter whether you think it's rubbish or millions of other people don't bother with it, if the person you love enjoys it, why on earth wouldn't you do it to make them happy?

Puppers · 11/02/2023 14:30

ElizaGumpyLeg · 11/02/2023 14:27

@Puppers

The majority of couples who are actually happy with each other and in love in the UK do at least something for Valentine’s Day. Could be something as small as flowers or chocolates.

Show quote history

Where are you getting this information?

midgemadgemodge · 11/02/2023 14:31

To those saying why doesn't she just go along with it to make partner happy

But then
Why wouldn't he try to make his partner happy by ignoring it ?

shard5 · 11/02/2023 14:33

Has he ever taken the initiative and tried to bring you around to loving v day?
Maybe if he showed some effort he might sway you?

Puppers · 11/02/2023 14:36

category12 · 11/02/2023 14:29

But if your partner likes it, none of that matters.

It doesn't matter whether you think it's rubbish or millions of other people don't bother with it, if the person you love enjoys it, why on earth wouldn't you do it to make them happy?

Show quote history

I was responding to a PP’s comment which was basically a guilt trip revolving around the idea that everybody in the world who loves their partner celebrates Valentine’s Day.

I did actually leave my own comment much earlier in the thread along the lines of “if it means a lot to your partner it’s nice to just go along with it”. Although OP’s DP is a similarly manipulative person who accuses OP of “invalidating” their marriage by not buying into Valentine’s Day, which wouldn’t particularly make me feel very enthusiastic about the whole thing.

I just find it utterly bizarre how invested so many adults are in this…I don’t even know what it is. It’s not a holiday or anything. To the extent that it forms the entire basis upon which they judge a person’s commitment to their marriage. Crazy.

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 11/02/2023 14:37

Puppers · 11/02/2023 14:30

Where are you getting this information?

Show quote history

Yes, this thread seems to have descended into wild generalisations. If people mean most people they know do something and they like it, just say that. It's fine to offer your own anecdotal experience, it doesn't have to be exaggerated into anything else.

category12 · 11/02/2023 14:38

midgemadgemodge · 11/02/2023 14:31

To those saying why doesn't she just go along with it to make partner happy

But then
Why wouldn't he try to make his partner happy by ignoring it ?

Because to him, it's meaningful and makes him feel valued, adding something.

Ignoring it doesn't add anything, but means he misses out on something he'd like that could be given easily.

Because it's nice to do nice things for each other.

midgemadgemodge · 11/02/2023 14:40

But it's ignoring her feelings - that is a shallow commercial show not anything to do with love , a mockery of it

category12 · 11/02/2023 14:48

midgemadgemodge · 11/02/2023 14:40

But it's ignoring her feelings - that is a shallow commercial show not anything to do with love , a mockery of it

But if he's genuinely hurt by it, her intellectual objection to it seems self indulgent.

If she was traumatised like the girl from Gremlins over Christmas then fair enough, but otherwise it's just mean-spirited.

GotABeatForYouMama · 11/02/2023 14:56

ElizaGumpyLeg · 11/02/2023 14:27

@Puppers

The majority of couples who are actually happy with each other and in love in the UK do at least something for Valentine’s Day. Could be something as small as flowers or chocolates.

Show quote history

Me and him must be in the minority then, because we are happy and in love but will not be doing anything to mark Valentines day. We never have and we never will.

MrsCarson · 11/02/2023 15:14

I'm with you OP, I say it's just a Hallmark holiday. We ignore the whole thing now the kids are grown. As little kids they did the packaged cards for the whole class with a candy attached (in US)

perfectcolourfound · 12/02/2023 18:37

I understand not 'doing' Valentines day, when you're in a long established relationship especially.

Although some posters seem to think that if you 'do' Valentines day, it's instead of being shown love all year round. You can have both!

In your case Op, your DH wants to celebrate it, and it takes minimal effort, so I would go along with it. It doesn't hurt you, and he's happy. I read it on this forum a lot, when people say their OH doesn't 'do' birthdays, and people reply, very reasonably, to say they should respect the fact that the Op does do birthdays.

You don't have to spend money even, if you're concerned about the commercial aspect.

Moobae · 12/02/2023 18:40

I agree cringe but I do like some flowers

Always4Brenner · 12/02/2023 18:42

Ignoring it this year as it’s first one on my own but I’ve put the meal away in the freezer for another more appropriate day the day after my London trip.