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Original poster

Would you end a relationship over this?

86 replies

emileDon · 08/02/2023 05:25

Yesterday, my partner of 15 years asked me if I'm having an affair. I'm absolutely not and really upset he's asked me.

I go to work 3 days a week and spend the rest of the week with him and our dc. He works from home so I'm with him when I'm not at work.

His reason for it is he feels recently I've been pushing him away when he comes close and not wanting to have sex as often. This is true but I've been like this since our dc were born.

I know it isn't ideal but it's not new. I have told him countless times why I don't want to have sex or be touched.

I feel like the relationship cant continue now. For him to even think I would have an affair tells me he barely knows me.

Would this be it for you?

OP posts:
TrishM80 · 08/02/2023 05:47

Well, it must be incredibly hurtful for him to be constantly rejected, not just sexually but even just basic displays of affection. Maybe his mind is in overdrive, he's adding 2 + 2 together and getting 5.

And while I can see his question can be hurtful to you, women withdrawing from their partners is often a symptom of their having an affair, so it's not an entirely unreasonable question if you're standing in his shoes.

Zanatdy · 08/02/2023 05:54

As previous poster said maybe he’s desperate to know why you don’t want to be touched or have sex. That is incredibly hurtful, the person you married doesn’t even want you to touch them. Are you looking for a way of ending it and blaming him? Perhaps you need to address the reasons you don’t want your husband to touch you in an affectionate way / have a cuddle, as I can imagine that’s pretty hurtful. Maybe you do need to end the marriage, but not because he accused you, but because you’ve checked out already.

TibetanTerrah · 08/02/2023 05:58

You say you've told him why you don't want sex and to be touched but have you both openly communicated around the issue?

Have you explored in your own mind why you don't want to be touched? Do you not find him attractive anymore? Are you knackered from doing everything while he sits on his arse? Do you think it's temporary or do you never see yourself having sex with him again?

The reasons aren't clear in your OP and until you get to the root of the issue its difficult to say if the relationship is over or if you'd both benefit from say counselling.

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 08/02/2023 05:58

It wouldn't be a reason to end it, but it would tell me my relationship was in serious trouble and make me seek help to improve things.
Desperate and lonely people can start to believe/worry about all sorts of things they never thought they would.
My heart goes out to both of you and I hope you find good support to work your way to a happier place.

Trez1510 · 08/02/2023 05:59

I'm afraid I agree with @Zanatdy . It does sound as if you've already checked out.

Explaining why you don't want intimacy is stage one. Exploring solutions is stage two.

Have you reached stage two?

Bellalalala · 08/02/2023 06:00

I would end a relationship if I was being accused several times, with no reason.

I think a person asking once because there’s no (very little) sex or even physical affection is an entirely normal question.

Whilst your reason for not wanting sex and or to be touched, is valid. I think it’s also valid he doesn’t want to be in a relationship like that. or is trying to figure out what’s happening.

Can I ask though, what do you mean by not have sex ‘often’. Is it once a week? Once a year? Are there times you are affectionate just occasionally, you don’t want to be touched? Or do you never want to be touched?

Lots of people believe they know their partners, then are shocked to find out their partner is cheating. It’s unrealistic to believe anyone knows someone so well, they know 100% they wouldn’t cheat. People often surprise us, not always in good ways.

gamerchick · 08/02/2023 06:23

I think it's a fair question. It would be one is be asking if my partner refused to let me touch him and refused intimacy.

Maybe you need a heart to heart here. You cant force a sexless relationship on someone and expect them to go along with it forever. You can get lonely within a relationship, it's not sustainable.

BigSwingingJeremyClarkson · 08/02/2023 06:31

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
emileDon · 08/02/2023 06:35

So my issues are that he's wanting sex more frequently. I've never enjoyed it but went along with it to keep him happy. He tries to initiate it daily. The only exception is if he's too tired! I'll do it say twice a week but being asked to do something you don't like everyday is exhausting.

He's asking more therefore I'm refusing more. This is why he's felt suspicious.

Also, I like a cuddle. I cuddle my dc all the time. With parter a cuddle isn't just that. He will then try and touch me or expect sex. It can't just be left as a cuddle so that's why when he tries I push him away.

I have told him all this but it's met with responses such as ' you used to like it'. But I've actually told him I've never enjoyed sex.

OP posts:
MaireadMcSweeney · 08/02/2023 06:37

No it wouldn't.
recently my DP's sex drive dropped with no apparent reason. Last time that happened in a relationship he was cheating (ex). When I raised this with DP I did ask him if someone else had turned his head. He didn't get offended. Partners going off sex is upsetting and can feel hurtful. However the fact that you're ready to end the relationship over this suggests you are already halfway out the door?

MaireadMcSweeney · 08/02/2023 06:38

You've never enjoyed sex?! What are you doing in this relationship then? It's clearly not working, you aren't compatible. Have you never enjoyed sex with anyone or just with him?

Original poster
emileDon · 08/02/2023 06:39

MaireadMcSweeney · 08/02/2023 06:38

You've never enjoyed sex?! What are you doing in this relationship then? It's clearly not working, you aren't compatible. Have you never enjoyed sex with anyone or just with him?

He's the only partner I'd ever been with.

OP posts:
STARCATCHER22 · 08/02/2023 06:39

emileDon · 08/02/2023 06:35

So my issues are that he's wanting sex more frequently. I've never enjoyed it but went along with it to keep him happy. He tries to initiate it daily. The only exception is if he's too tired! I'll do it say twice a week but being asked to do something you don't like everyday is exhausting.

He's asking more therefore I'm refusing more. This is why he's felt suspicious.

Also, I like a cuddle. I cuddle my dc all the time. With parter a cuddle isn't just that. He will then try and touch me or expect sex. It can't just be left as a cuddle so that's why when he tries I push him away.

I have told him all this but it's met with responses such as ' you used to like it'. But I've actually told him I've never enjoyed sex.

If you’ve never liked sex with him, why have you been with him for 15 years?! You do know you don’t have to be in a relationship right?

I’m not surprised he’s struggling with this. Particularly if you’ve openly told him that you’ve never enjoyed sex with him. That must have been soul destroying for him to hear.

RebeccaCloud9 · 08/02/2023 06:42

I'm sure it's rarer for women to not like having sex with a particular person than to just not like it all. It's hard to know as you haven't been with anyone else, but reading your posts, I'd put money on the fact that he doesn't really give your desires/feelings/pleasure a second thought so that is why you don't enjoy it.

Is there any likelihood of him changing his behaviour eg through counselling?

Oopsiedaisyy · 08/02/2023 06:44

I'd be tempted to have an affair just to see if you can enjoy sex with someone else 😬😬😬

BadNomad · 08/02/2023 06:46

You pretended you liked sex to trick him into a relationship and now that you've got children you don't pretend any more? I think you were very wrong to lie about it from the start. You should end the relationship. Not because he asked you if you cheated, but because you don't want to be intimate with him and he deserves to be with someone who does.

C1N1C · 08/02/2023 06:48

I believe twice a week is normal though right? My wife has never been interested in sex, and at the start of the relationship it was around twice a week, dropping to once a month if I'm lucky.
I agree though, it really hurts when a partner becomes distant and the libido drops...

I'd normally jump on the bandwagon and agree with him, but him pushing for more than twice a week since you've had a child is him just being a dick. As for him asking, it's hurtful but also justifiable, I wouldn't take it to heart... he's just trying to adjust.

Original poster
emileDon · 08/02/2023 06:48

Oopsiedaisyy · 08/02/2023 06:44

I'd be tempted to have an affair just to see if you can enjoy sex with someone else 😬😬😬

Obviously you have said that as a joke but that's not the type of person I am.

I have told him many times I don't like sex and that the way he shows affection is off putting. He's been happy to stay in the relationship too whilst knowing this.

OP posts:
LoveMAFS · 08/02/2023 06:53

It sounds like the beginning of the end of your relationship.

BadNomad · 08/02/2023 06:54

C1N1C · 08/02/2023 06:48

I believe twice a week is normal though right? My wife has never been interested in sex, and at the start of the relationship it was around twice a week, dropping to once a month if I'm lucky.
I agree though, it really hurts when a partner becomes distant and the libido drops...

I'd normally jump on the bandwagon and agree with him, but him pushing for more than twice a week since you've had a child is him just being a dick. As for him asking, it's hurtful but also justifiable, I wouldn't take it to heart... he's just trying to adjust.

You have sex with your wife even though you know she doesn't enjoy it...?

FenghuangHoyan · 08/02/2023 06:55

BadNomad · 08/02/2023 06:46

You pretended you liked sex to trick him into a relationship and now that you've got children you don't pretend any more? I think you were very wrong to lie about it from the start. You should end the relationship. Not because he asked you if you cheated, but because you don't want to be intimate with him and he deserves to be with someone who does.

Where does the OP say that she pretended to like sex until she had kids and then stopped pretending? She's also not stopping intimacy with him, she's doing it twice a week, despite not enjoying it and far from lying to him, she's been honest about not enjoying it. I think you need to reread her posts.

Also, maybe the bloke is just crap in bed and maybe he needs to read a few books on sex and realise that it's not in and out and roll over like some people think and that cuddles and massages and even just holding hands are firms of intimacy. He doesn't seem to appreciate that at least cuddling is intimacy and that if he doesn't longer at that, then the IP might want to initiate.

gettingalifttothestation · 08/02/2023 06:56

I'd be pleased he is talking about this with me. If you don't want sex with him I think it's a valid question for him to ask. You can't expect him to be happy with no sex just because you are how are you going to fix this because it's not fair on him

Original poster
emileDon · 08/02/2023 06:57

@C1N1C I think that twice a week is a normal amount.

He's been happy with the way things are up until now. It's only since he wants sex more that it's an issue to him.

Just for example say we have sex on Tuesday and Friday. Now he will ask me every night and therefore I'm refusing more nights a week than agreeing.

OP posts:
BadNomad · 08/02/2023 06:58

FenghuangHoyan · 08/02/2023 06:55

Where does the OP say that she pretended to like sex until she had kids and then stopped pretending? She's also not stopping intimacy with him, she's doing it twice a week, despite not enjoying it and far from lying to him, she's been honest about not enjoying it. I think you need to reread her posts.

Also, maybe the bloke is just crap in bed and maybe he needs to read a few books on sex and realise that it's not in and out and roll over like some people think and that cuddles and massages and even just holding hands are firms of intimacy. He doesn't seem to appreciate that at least cuddling is intimacy and that if he doesn't longer at that, then the IP might want to initiate.

Show quote history

I read it. She said she's never enjoyed sex and only went along with it to keep him happy then reduced the frequency after she had DC. She has told him since that she has never enjoyed sex with him. So now he knows she's just been faking it all this time.

Paq · 08/02/2023 07:01

Why are you in a sexual relationship if you don't like sex? That's not healthy for either of you. Presumably you lied to him at some point, you didn't start the relationship saying "I don't like sex but I'll put up with it a couple of times a week."

He shouldn't pester you but the relationship is never going to last, is it?

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