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Original poster

Would you end a relationship over this?

86 replies

emileDon · 08/02/2023 05:25

Yesterday, my partner of 15 years asked me if I'm having an affair. I'm absolutely not and really upset he's asked me.

I go to work 3 days a week and spend the rest of the week with him and our dc. He works from home so I'm with him when I'm not at work.

His reason for it is he feels recently I've been pushing him away when he comes close and not wanting to have sex as often. This is true but I've been like this since our dc were born.

I know it isn't ideal but it's not new. I have told him countless times why I don't want to have sex or be touched.

I feel like the relationship cant continue now. For him to even think I would have an affair tells me he barely knows me.

Would this be it for you?

OP posts:
BigSwingingJeremyClarkson · 08/02/2023 07:48

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STARCATCHER22 · 08/02/2023 07:48

The phrase “give use of your body” might be the most vile thing I’ve ever heard.

BadNomad · 08/02/2023 07:50

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Yes, it's terrible. It's terrible that so many men are happy to rut away on top of women who don't actually want to be having sex but feel like they have to.

BadNomad · 08/02/2023 07:51

STARCATCHER22 · 08/02/2023 07:48

The phrase “give use of your body” might be the most vile thing I’ve ever heard.

They have zero insight. It's awful.

Botw1 · 08/02/2023 07:51

@BigSwingingJeremyClarkson

Ah. You've never made a woman orgasm in your whole life, have you?

C1N1C · 08/02/2023 07:52

@BadNomad
There is difference between not being interested in sex, and not enjoying sex. My wife has no desire for it, and I don't push for it, but when it happens, she enjoys it. This is what you're not understanding. When she initiates it, on a whim (not being coerced or guilted), she is voluntarily doing it because she loves me and I appreciate her all the more for it.. and I have said on many occasions I know you're not fussed about it, why are we doing it... and she replies because it matters to me.

There was a post several months back about blowjobs... a good 90% of women didn't enjoy them. Of those, half were doing it because they felt pressured (and these women, I agree with you... you have every right to defend these women!); but the other half were doing it voluntarily because they wanted their partner happy... they're not being forced, or guilted into it, this is a free choice.

WeCome1 · 08/02/2023 07:58

Oh OP, having sex you’re not enjoying twice a week is awful.
Is there anything you can do about it or is there just no spark there? The only way I can think of that you could rescue this situation would be to see if you can work on how you and your partner are together. I’m wondering if there is any chemistry between you and he needs to work on what he’s doing in bed? Does he attempt to make you orgasm, for example?

I don’t think his question about an affair is unreasonable. But I do think he’s expecting sex very often. And needs to wind this back. And that’s only if you can find some pleasure out of the sex you are having.

Botw1 · 08/02/2023 08:07

@C1N1C

The op literally said she doesn't enjoy it. She doesn't want it. Has never been interested in it.

And her oh knows this.

She isn't initiating it. She's enduring it twice a week.

How typical of you to mansplain to @BadNomad and get it complety fucking wrong

🙄

BigFatLiar · 08/02/2023 08:24

I'm not sure your relationship is going anywhere. He wants a physical aspect to your relationship and you don't. You have children and let's be honest there's a lot of women here only seek out relationships so they can have children, what more do you want from this? I think a sexless marriage or one where its 'rationed' only works if both parties are willing to accept it.

In his shoes I can see where he's coming from. Usually if a woman was posting that their husband was going of sex they'd be told to get their ducks lined up and look for the other woman.

SandyY2K · 08/02/2023 08:26

No. I wouldn't end a relationship over that.

Paq · 08/02/2023 08:29

It's pretty mean to label OP's partner a "creep" on her say so, when she clearly says she has never had any interest in sex. Ever.

I would be furious if I were him, duped into a relationship with kids by someone who lied about their feelings about sex.

Of course he shouldn't pester her, no one is saying that.

They need to have a grown up conversation about whether and how they want their relationship to continue.

rainbowstardrops · 08/02/2023 08:31

I wouldn't necessarily jump to ending the relationship based on that alone but it sounds like you're quite unhappy anyway and quite rightly so from what you've written.
Your partner pesters you for sex, even though he knows you don't enjoy it and instead of working together to find a solution, you can't even have a cuddle without him wanting it to lead to more. That's really unattractive.
I feel for you

BigSwingingJeremyClarkson · 08/02/2023 08:36

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BigSwingingJeremyClarkson · 08/02/2023 08:37

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BigFatLiar · 08/02/2023 08:41

rainbowstardrops · 08/02/2023 08:31

I wouldn't necessarily jump to ending the relationship based on that alone but it sounds like you're quite unhappy anyway and quite rightly so from what you've written.
Your partner pesters you for sex, even though he knows you don't enjoy it and instead of working together to find a solution, you can't even have a cuddle without him wanting it to lead to more. That's really unattractive.
I feel for you

Really the options are:
for him to accept sex on ration with her doing it like a duty,
Sexless marriage,
Seperate

Perhaps he's just not good at the physical side and she'd enjoy it with someone more experienced but then she has said that she simply doesn't want sex so I expect it's time to go unless he will accept no sex.

Humanswarm · 08/02/2023 08:45

Going back to your original post OP, you say you feel your relationship can't continue now as your DP has questioned whether you are having an affair. In all honesty, that's not what you should be questioning. You need to question if your relationship can work, when there are needs not being met. You, currently are having sex twice a week, you say, for what? To keep him happy? As you clearly don't enjoy it. He, wants more, he isn't having his needs met. That doesn't make him a monster. Just shows that you're not compatible. He's asking for sex more, you're refusing it more. It's becoming a bigger issue. No one is right, and no one is wrong. However, the relationship isn't going to last the distance, if neither of you have those needs met..he wants sexual intimacy, and you want intimacy. Perhaps both stop the blame game and have a frank conversation about where your relationship is heading.

Botw1 · 08/02/2023 08:50

@Paq

Op says she has discussed it with him. He doesn't listen

She's made it clear how she feels yet he Lester's her daily for sex he knows she doesn't want

He has sex with her twice a week. knowing she's not interested and doesn't enjoy it.

If that's not a creep I don't know what is

If the oh is being abused (is he fuck) then he can easily end the relationship

As should the op

SandyY2K · 08/02/2023 08:51

Twice a week is a good amount, BUT if its something you dunt enjoy as you say, then him wanting more is obviously not going to be welcome.

One of the problems is that you never said until now that you don't enjoy it.. that must have been a surprise to him after 15 years.

It sounds like you had nothing to compare him to, so you didn't know if that's what sex should be like, so you just sent along with it and he thought you were enjoying it so the time.

Having said all that, even if you do enjoy it... one can/should expect sex to reduce in a long term relationship, especially when you have young kids so him wanting it on a daily basis is too much.

Paq · 08/02/2023 09:13

@Botw1 she's sending out pretty mixed messages by (a) entering into a sexual relationship in the first place and (b) continuing to have sex.

We have her words on the pestering behaviour but from her perspective, if she is asexual, then any form of physical contact from him is likely to be viewed as pestering. It's a pretty cold place to be when your spouse never wants to be even touched by you.

It's a toxic situation for both of them and they need resolve it.

gannett · 08/02/2023 09:18

I would probably end a relationship if I was accused of cheating, though if I had gone off sex/intimacy it'd be a fair question I suppose.

I would definitely end a relationship based on everything else the OP has said. I would end it if I'd never enjoyed sex in 15 (!) years. I would end it if my partner knew I didn't want sex and yet insisted on it twice a week or more. But from the other side, I'd also end it if my partner dropped the bombshell that not only did they not want sex now, they'd never wanted it for 15 (!) years. Everything about that scenario is unbelievably unhealthy.

We don't know whether the OP's partner is a slob or shit in bed, or whether OP is asexual, or whether they're just not compatible sexually. But if she's never enjoyed sex with him, there's nothing there to fix. I struggle to see how they could have stayed together for 15 (!) years based on that fundamental disconnect but beware the sunk cost fallacy - even if the best time to split up was 15 years ago, the next best time is now.

Botw1 · 08/02/2023 09:32

@Paq

Do people not read the op?

She says she does like cuddling. But that just turns to unwanted touching and pestering for sex

But yes. She should end the relationship.

Andypandy799 · 08/02/2023 11:44

@emileDon I couldn’t make love or have sex with my partner if I thought she was doing it just to please me, it would just feel wrong. It does sound as though you are not compatible.

Would you be happy with him going elsewhere?

Equinoxsox · 04/04/2023 22:37

My ex constantly did this. I told him my libido was lower due to kids/life/tiredness doing all nights with kids by myself etc. I started to get my life back a bit after having the kids and went out every few months. He had huge issues with this - would blank me, punish me or question me for hours, send rambling texts about how I needed to think about my actions (I never, ever cheated or did anything even remotely wrong) demand to look through my phone and made such a scene if I asked to go out and was always peering over my shoulder if i was texting and wanting to know who i was talking too, he even stalked me on here! It was one of the many reasons we broke up. When I think about what he was like now, I can't believe i didn't question it more at the time.

I guess what I'm saying is this could be an isolated incident and your partners genuinely confused and feeling a bit rejected, or there's a much bigger issue here.

Maze76 · 04/04/2023 23:04

Op if sex with your partner is a chore and something you have no interest in, then end the relationship. You’re not happy and neither is he, so end it.

MyStarBoy · 04/04/2023 23:05

Not read the full thread, but have to say, he sounds like a complete turn-off.

You must feel under so much pressure.

Jesus, he can’t even have a cuddle with you without trying it on.

I think twice a week should be a happy compromise, and particularly as you don’t like it.

He’s just not listening.