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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you end a relationship over this?

86 replies

emileDon · 08/02/2023 05:25

Yesterday, my partner of 15 years asked me if I'm having an affair. I'm absolutely not and really upset he's asked me.

I go to work 3 days a week and spend the rest of the week with him and our dc. He works from home so I'm with him when I'm not at work.

His reason for it is he feels recently I've been pushing him away when he comes close and not wanting to have sex as often. This is true but I've been like this since our dc were born.

I know it isn't ideal but it's not new. I have told him countless times why I don't want to have sex or be touched.

I feel like the relationship cant continue now. For him to even think I would have an affair tells me he barely knows me.

Would this be it for you?

OP posts:
MayThe4th · 08/02/2023 07:01

If a woman posted here that her partner had told her he’d never enjoyed sex with her she’d be told to get rid of him.

It’s understandable to be frustrated if your sex drives are mismatched, but to actively tell someone you don’t enjoy sex is bloody hurtful and he deserves better.

FenghuangHoyan · 08/02/2023 07:02

gettingalifttothestation · 08/02/2023 06:56

I'd be pleased he is talking about this with me. If you don't want sex with him I think it's a valid question for him to ask. You can't expect him to be happy with no sex just because you are how are you going to fix this because it's not fair on him

Twice a week is hardly no sex.

The guy needs to look at himself and how he is with his wife and not just assume it's because she's having an affair. He might be a smelly slob for all we know. He might be hopeless at sex and think it's all about him climaxing each and every time.

If my partner wasnt enjoying sex, I'd accept that and look at what we can do together to improve it or replace it. I wouldn't be saying she's having an affair, especially when she's been honest about not enjoying it.

sparklefarts · 08/02/2023 07:06

@FenghuangHoyan you'd accept it is your husband/wife said 'actually I've never liked having sex with you at all, so please stop asking for more. I'll do it sometimes but I really don't like it' ???

This is bizarre, why on earth would you marry him OP?

BigFatLiar · 08/02/2023 07:08

Do you actually like him?

Sex is the basic physical part but there's so much more involved with a relationship and he may be getting the idea that you basically don't want to be with him.

Original poster
emileDon · 08/02/2023 07:11

We're not married.

@FenghuangHoyan you are right in what you say. Thank you for understanding.

It is something we discuss as I try to save the relationship. When I tell him I'm not enjoying sex he says ' well you used to' or say I'm lying. He doesn't try to work together and make it better.

Now I'm suddenly accused of having an affair.

OP posts:
FenghuangHoyan · 08/02/2023 07:11

sparklefarts · 08/02/2023 07:06

@FenghuangHoyan you'd accept it is your husband/wife said 'actually I've never liked having sex with you at all, so please stop asking for more. I'll do it sometimes but I really don't like it' ???

This is bizarre, why on earth would you marry him OP?

Yes, I would, because I love my partner more than just sex. And my partner actually has gone off sex (far more than the OP) and has been open and honest about it and explained why. Not once did I think she's having an affair. Instead I've looked at other forms of intimacy that they do like and how I can help them. Yes, I'd like more / some but it's not all about me.

BigSwingingJeremyClarkson · 08/02/2023 07:11

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rattlemehearties · 08/02/2023 07:13

Twice a week is loads when you have young children!

But it sounds like he's bad in bed. You don't have to ensure having sex when you don't want to. It's coercive of him at the least. I'd suggest you don't stay together, maybe in future you'll meet someone who gets you fired up and you'll realise what good sex feels like.

FenghuangHoyan · 08/02/2023 07:15

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So, if a partner goes off sex, the solution is to either have an affair or accuse the other person of having one? No attempts to understand why and try and resolve it?

She's still having sex with him twice a week, even though she doesn't like it and he's not only okay with that, but wants more without trying to sort out get lack of enjoyment.

BigSwingingJeremyClarkson · 08/02/2023 07:18

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BadNomad · 08/02/2023 07:18

FenghuangHoyan · 08/02/2023 07:15

So, if a partner goes off sex, the solution is to either have an affair or accuse the other person of having one? No attempts to understand why and try and resolve it?

She's still having sex with him twice a week, even though she doesn't like it and he's not only okay with that, but wants more without trying to sort out get lack of enjoyment.

Show quote history

She didn't go "off" sex. She was never "on". It's not something lost that needs to be found. It was never there to start with. She doesn't sound interesting in learning to enjoy it. She's having sex with him so he won't leave her. He's having sex with her even though he knows she doesn't like it. That is fucked up.

sparklefarts · 08/02/2023 07:20

@FenghuangHoyan 'Yes, I would, because I love my partner more than just sex. And my partner actually has gone off sex (far more than the OP) and has been open and honest about it and explained why. Not once did I think she's having an affair. Instead I've looked at other forms of intimacy that they do like and how I can help them. Yes, I'd like more / some but it's not all about me'

Going off of sex and talking about it is very very different (and very normal and common) to suddenly telling your partner you have never liked having sex with them at all, and you know it

Original poster
emileDon · 08/02/2023 07:22

@sparklefarts it wasn't said suddenly. I've tried talking to him about it many times and it gets brushed off and made to feel unimportant. Until of course, he suspects I'm cheating on him. The he takes it seriously.

OP posts:
FenghuangHoyan · 08/02/2023 07:22

emileDon · 08/02/2023 07:11

We're not married.

@FenghuangHoyan you are right in what you say. Thank you for understanding.

It is something we discuss as I try to save the relationship. When I tell him I'm not enjoying sex he says ' well you used to' or say I'm lying. He doesn't try to work together and make it better.

Now I'm suddenly accused of having an affair.

You're quite welcome. I think you've done more than your share of trying to keep your partner happy and he's not been doing the same in return. He's added insult to injury by then accusing you of an affair and I can understand how much that must hurt when you've been giving your body to him for so long for his benefit and not yours.

I've noticed (and I missed this in your OP) that this may have increased since you had kids. Have you looked into his that can change your view of yourself and also how it can change your hormones? I assume so, but isv your partner aware?

Anyway, I've got to get to work. Good luck with whatever you decide and with the responses you get.

YouAreNotBatman · 08/02/2023 07:27

Oh, op.

My heart breaks for you.
All those years you’ve had sex you don’t like, it must be soul destroying ans I’m sorry this all happened to you.

I just want to offer little hand hold, usually this site is brutal for people who don’t like/ want sex, so just to tell you you’re not alone.
💐

C1N1C · 08/02/2023 07:28

@BadNomad

Wow, way to twist what I said. There is a difference between being forced or manipulated into something you don't want to do, and choosing to do something you're not particularly fussed about for someone you love because you know they enjoy it. Like seeing the in-laws... many aren't thrilled with it, but people do it for the one they love.

STARCATCHER22 · 08/02/2023 07:32

BadNomad · 08/02/2023 07:18

She didn't go "off" sex. She was never "on". It's not something lost that needs to be found. It was never there to start with. She doesn't sound interesting in learning to enjoy it. She's having sex with him so he won't leave her. He's having sex with her even though he knows she doesn't like it. That is fucked up.

Show quote history

This.

There’s a lot of posters making some pretty big assumptions about the man in the situation here. At no point has the OP said that her partner is bad in bed or a stinking slob etc. She has said that she has never enjoyed sex. To stay with him for 15 years means that she must be getting something out of the situation. Her solution to the problem is tell him that she has never liked sex and expect him to be okay with that and leave her alone but stay in a relationship with her.

Personally, I’d be advising your partner leave.

FenghuangHoyan · 08/02/2023 07:32

BadNomad · 08/02/2023 07:18

She didn't go "off" sex. She was never "on". It's not something lost that needs to be found. It was never there to start with. She doesn't sound interesting in learning to enjoy it. She's having sex with him so he won't leave her. He's having sex with her even though he knows she doesn't like it. That is fucked up.

Show quote history

Last post from me as I have got to go.

Yes she did go off sex. She says so in her OP. She was okay with it until the kids and now it isn't working for her. I also missed this pretty important piece of information when I first read it, until a PP picked me up on it.

It is possibly due to the OP having a changed view of herself as a mum now or not being happy with her body since childbirth or due to changes in her emotions (post natal depression even), but it might also be because her partner isn't the most sensitive person or has let himself go or a host of reasons. Maybe he's stopped using mouthwash. We don't know. The thing they need to do is TALK and try and work this out. If they can't, then they need to decide if they can continue as a couple or if the OP needs to forget about her feelings and just lay back and pretend to enjoy it more.

BadNomad · 08/02/2023 07:33

C1N1C · 08/02/2023 07:28

@BadNomad

Wow, way to twist what I said. There is a difference between being forced or manipulated into something you don't want to do, and choosing to do something you're not particularly fussed about for someone you love because you know they enjoy it. Like seeing the in-laws... many aren't thrilled with it, but people do it for the one they love.

Not when it comes to sex. There isn't a compromise. If one person wants sex, and the other doesn't, then sex shouldn't happen. It is incredibly degrading when someone uses your body in that way. Especially when they know you're not enjoying it. That's two of you on this thread who seem to think there is nothing wrong with that.

BadNomad · 08/02/2023 07:35

FenghuangHoyan · 08/02/2023 07:32

Last post from me as I have got to go.

Yes she did go off sex. She says so in her OP. She was okay with it until the kids and now it isn't working for her. I also missed this pretty important piece of information when I first read it, until a PP picked me up on it.

It is possibly due to the OP having a changed view of herself as a mum now or not being happy with her body since childbirth or due to changes in her emotions (post natal depression even), but it might also be because her partner isn't the most sensitive person or has let himself go or a host of reasons. Maybe he's stopped using mouthwash. We don't know. The thing they need to do is TALK and try and work this out. If they can't, then they need to decide if they can continue as a couple or if the OP needs to forget about her feelings and just lay back and pretend to enjoy it more.

Show quote history

She wasn't OK with it before children. Go back and read. She has never enjoyed it. She only ever did it for him. Never for her. Never because she wanted it.

STARCATCHER22 · 08/02/2023 07:35

FenghuangHoyan · 08/02/2023 07:32

Last post from me as I have got to go.

Yes she did go off sex. She says so in her OP. She was okay with it until the kids and now it isn't working for her. I also missed this pretty important piece of information when I first read it, until a PP picked me up on it.

It is possibly due to the OP having a changed view of herself as a mum now or not being happy with her body since childbirth or due to changes in her emotions (post natal depression even), but it might also be because her partner isn't the most sensitive person or has let himself go or a host of reasons. Maybe he's stopped using mouthwash. We don't know. The thing they need to do is TALK and try and work this out. If they can't, then they need to decide if they can continue as a couple or if the OP needs to forget about her feelings and just lay back and pretend to enjoy it more.

Show quote history

No. She did not go off sex. She has clearly said (and told her partner) that she has never enjoyed sex.

Make all the excuses you want (maybe he’s stopped using mouthwash?!?!) but the OP has been clean on this point.

BigSwingingJeremyClarkson · 08/02/2023 07:43

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BadNomad · 08/02/2023 07:45

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Give sex as a gift...
Give someone the use of your body...

That's three of you now. Disgusting.

BadNomad · 08/02/2023 07:46

It's not a hang up to not want to be treated like a cheap prostitute.

Botw1 · 08/02/2023 07:47

He sounds awful.

You shouldn't be having any sex you don't want.

Never mind twice a week with a sex pest who shows no interest in your pleasure

It's also not healthy for neither of you to spend time apart. Do neither of you have friends?

I wouldn't end the relationship because he asked you if you're having an affair

Id end it because you are sexually incompatible and he's a creep